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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mother in law she can't bring her dog to stay?

84 replies

cheesesandwich · 31/10/2008 09:22

My in laws have a big, badly behaved, 2 year old red setter, and we (me, DH and DD (15 months)) live in a small terraced house in London, with no garden. Last year, we asked them to come for Christmas, but told them they couldn't bring the dog. They said that this put them in the intolerable position of choosing between spending Christmas with their grand daughter or their dog. They chose the dog, and didn't come. We asked them again this year, but have been told that if the dog isn't welcome, we clearly don't welcome them into our home and so they're not coming. (Ever? I'm starting to hope so...). Of course, we could go to theirs for Christmas, but they live a long way away, and we always have a miserable time, so we'd much rather be at home - especially now we've got DD. So am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

Troutpout · 31/10/2008 13:12

No you aren't...they are
..of course

jumpingbeans · 31/10/2008 13:15

Who in their right minds would put a dog before a grandchild.

Heated · 31/10/2008 13:18

YANBU.

The ILs and dh's aunt & uncle are just like this. They rarely come to stay at our house because I don't let their dogs climb all over the furniture and the stair-gate means they (the dogs!) can't get upstairs to slob over our beds. I like dogs but I'm top dog in my house, dh a close 2nd and then the children.

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2008 15:27

Sorry for being a bit troll-like there. I don't really think that dogs and children are equal. Just thought it was an amusing comparison given the nature of so many AIBU threads.

Anyhoo - I grew up having Xmas at home with my parents and sibs. I didn't once ask 'why aren't my grandparents here', I just accepted the fact that they lived in another town. Anyway, I liked having Xmas all to ourselves with no interlopers, much as I loved my gdpts.

There isn't any need to say to a small child 'your granny prefers the dog to you' or anything like that. Most kids like having their parents undivided attention and would no doubt be thrilled with the 'win win' of being spoiled by granny on another day.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 31/10/2008 15:31

yanbu - my mum has a big dog that is not well behaved. the dog is not welcome to come. it causes issues but there is no way I am changing my mind.

mumeeee · 31/10/2008 22:27

Sorry but I think you are bieng a bit unreasonable. what are they supposed to do with the dog?a lot of kennels close on Christmas day. Could the dog stay in the car?

bythepowerofgreyskull · 31/10/2008 22:32

not her problem what they do with the dog, it is their dog! if they had other animals that needed care through the day she wouldn't be expected to have the horses over or the rabbit or parrot...

KeepInMyImagination · 31/10/2008 22:37

YANBU

Arcadie · 31/10/2008 23:06

YANBU not to want their dog and to be narked that they've chosen it above your DD.

YAB ( a tiny bit ) U to refuse to visit them, yes it's miserable but you need time together to strengthen your relationships otherwise DD won't have a great bond with her Granny and Gramps which would be sad.

Servalan · 31/10/2008 23:30

YANBU

My PIL have a dog (a very excitable cocker spaniel) and no way would we want the dog running around our house causing mayhem.

PILs adore their dog and wouldn't want to go anywhere without her - but at the same time they respect our wishes.

The compromise we come to is that PILs stay at a bed and breakfast nearby that allows pets, and dog stays in the car being regularly checked on when they are in our house.

asdmumandteacher · 31/10/2008 23:35

YANBU - agree with mamaG

I have IL's v much like that who have to phone home to a friends on the odd day of a visit to check their chickens are ok (i mean ffs!!)

Nighbynight · 31/10/2008 23:44

Cant they leave their dog with friends for a day or so?

yanbu.

Quattrocento · 01/11/2008 00:03

YANBU

We have problems with Other People's Dogs at Christmas. Everyone always comes to us. They all have dogs. My mother, my SIL and DH's nephew. They can't all bring their dogs because the dogs don't get on with one another. They don't get on with our cats either but that's a secondary issue. My solution is to ban all the dogs. Only fair. Right?

MrsThierryHenry · 01/11/2008 00:09

Bloody fools.

Sorry to dog lovers, I don't own one and never have. But choosing a mutt over your flesh and blood? I ask you.

KeepInMyImagination · 01/11/2008 08:59

Tell your MIL to send you the dog and her stay at home

Sorry, we had this one year in laws wanted to bring their dog who was lovely, but old and incontinent, and we had small baby so I said no, they make such a fuss.

UANBU in the least

ShePeeTeePee · 01/11/2008 09:21

From their perspective, they are not allowed to come to you because they have a dog. You will not come to them because... why? you can't be bothered, don't think you'll have a nice time? How about extending your definition of Christmas. Have the small family Christmas that you want in your own home (you DH, DD) and then visit IL's at some point between Boxing Day and New Year. That is at least a compromise of sorts. At the moment you haven't offered them a solution - they cannot just leave their dog at home for that length of time, kennels will probably be booked, expensive and perhaps traumatic for the dog. And if you don't want someone elses' dog at Christmas, why should someone else?

blondiep14 · 01/11/2008 09:30

We won't go to my SIL's because our dog isn't welcome.
As much as dogs aren't human, they are a responsibility and have to be considered (by their owners at least), for most dog owners they are also part of the family.

solidgoldskullonastick · 01/11/2008 09:39

I would not have anyone's dog in my house. Why should I? I don't like dogs and it's not my problem that other people choose to keep them. People who insist on bringing their pets everywhere are as tiresome as people who insist on bringing their children everywhere ie to adults-only events, or people who turn up with an uninvited partner to formal events....

Ivegotaheadache · 01/11/2008 12:56

Well my PIL would choose their dog any day. We have a dog, and she's a lovely family pet and very well trained but I don't see her as one of the children, wouldn't choose her over the children and she knows her place in the home.
PIL think we are animal abusers because we don't allow our dog on the sofa. (We do actually treat the dog nicely and love her to bits, in case you were wondering!)

So, while I would be annoyed that PIL would choose dog over GC. I can sort of see where they are coming from, we couldn't leave our dog and we couldn't bring her and leave it in the car when we in the house - well not if we're staying for a few days maybe we could if we were just there for the day.

And we couldn't put her into kennels, the dog would just die of stress and panic (she's very needy).

I wouldn't know what to do in this situation but i like to think I would try and find somewhere for the dog or someone to look after her.
I hope that if I have a dog when the dc's have their own families, I don't say I'm not seeing the GC because of the dog!

expatinscotland · 01/11/2008 13:01

'You will not come to them because... why? you can't be bothered, don't think you'll have a nice time? How about extending your definition of Christmas. '

The OP and their family have been travelling to the ILs for the past 4 years in a row because of the fecking dog.

It's a long drive and not a day trip.

Now the OP is pregnant again with a small child.

And yet somehow the dog takes precedence over this how?

ShePeeTeePee · 01/11/2008 13:07

Because from the OP "we always have a miserable time, so we'd much rather be at home", is I suspect the crux of the matter.

expatinscotland · 01/11/2008 13:08

so it's her fault she doesn't want to spend the holiday with a vile, ill-behaved dog?

ShePeeTeePee · 01/11/2008 13:14

I shall resist the MIL joke there.

The situation is what it is, the ILs have a dog. She does not want the dog in her house. DH and DD should be able to spend part of christmas with their(and by extension her) family. Therefore, unless suitable arrangements can be made for the dog, or a neutral, dog accommodating alternative space can be found, they need to go there.

expatinscotland · 01/11/2008 13:20

'The situation is what it is, the ILs have a dog. She does not want the dog in her house. DH and DD should be able to spend part of christmas with their(and by extension her) family. Therefore, unless suitable arrangements can be made for the dog, or a neutral, dog accommodating alternative space can be found, they need to go there. '

I disagree.

They've gone there the past 4 years and the DH doesn't want to go, either.

Time for the ILs to compromise or yeah, they can just stay home and share Xmas with the dog.

Qally · 01/11/2008 13:23

I have a dog, I'm dog mad. She's very well trained, obedient and friendly. But I wouldn't DREAM of inflicting her on people who aren't keen - in the park, or street, let alone their own home! How incredibly rude that would be.

Your in-laws sound as entitlement deluded as the woman on another post who wanted the OP to put her puppy outside for bonfire night, because her daughter was scared of dogs. Your home, your rules. And as for saying they are being forced to choose between dog and GD... um, I'm scared. Your in-laws are barking, to coin a phrase.

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