To ask my MIL to take a step back at Christmas?

[Rubysmom08]

I know I will get shouted down but I am going to ask anyway.

I have had countless control issues with my MIL, bit of background is that she calls herself 'mommy' to my dd1 who is 9 months, I am cntinually critized and made to feel crap but I know that is my own assertiveness issues which I am getting helpo with.. anyway its our 1st xmas with dd and me and dh have stood strong even though we have been called 'selfish' by her and are spending xmas just the 3 of us (we are havingparents and pil round for bacon sandwhichs and bucks fizz in the morning but want house empty by lunchtime).. anyway my MIL has this competition thing with my mom about who can be the best grandparent, to the point she has bought herself mugs, picture frames, key rings, mouse mats etc stating that she is the Best Nan in the World- thats not the problem though- I always feel overshadowed by her and I feel as the parent we are the ones that by the most/biggest presents, thats how it always was in my house, and she has had the xmas' with her two children I don't see why she has to relive it as a parent with my dd.. she has two huge sacks of presents already and has spent £300 which I think is rediculous. My dd won't even be 1 and I just think it is waste of money.

Now some of you will call me an ungrateful cow but I am not I think it is nice in some ways that she wants to lavish my dd however I also think she should appreciate that we are the main present buyers for our children's xmas and that she shouldn't want to be super nan all the time.

She has bought herself all those musg/keyrings etc?? PMSL - I'm sure you are supposed to have someone give them too you.

I think your husband needs to grow some and tell her how it is.

Alternatively - especially re presents, just let her crack on - if she wants to turn up with a pile of presents then let her - its not like your dd is going to know that they are from her. I know it must be annoying - but the best piece of advice I can give you is pick your battles - things like having house empty by lunch fine, presents, dont worry, its not going to cause anyone any harm

Ignore the "World's Best Gran" tat. It's not official and if you let it niggle you it will drive you to your grave.

Tell your DH to tell his mother that you have a firm limit on presents and anything over that will be Freecycled on Boxing Day.

Your DH will have to do all the dirty work or you and your MIL will end up in a lifelong war.

Sorry ... but coming from a place where my MIL doesn't buy anything for my children (or at best will ask me to get them something on her behalf but only ONE present - refuses to spoil them) ... I think you are very lucky.
Let her spoil your DD ... she's her granny after all ... she's proud of it.
Her 'competition' with your mother is their issue, don't make it yours .... You've done the right thing with deciding what YOU want to do for Christmas day ...

no you are not ungrateful at all, she sounds pathetic. She sounds like she wants to be centre of attention all the time.

Let her get on with her buying all the presents etc - it will save you money and your dd will not have any idea who the presents are from until she's older, by which timne she will probably have more grandchildren and won't be able to buy so much. she sounds incrediably controling, and is trying to buy her way to your dd. Does she have any other children

Be confident in yourself, you are her mum & if needs be have a chat with MIL and say that she's had her children, now it's your turn. Def, get you dh to get her to stop with the "mummy" and make a point of asking her if she wants to be called nanny or grandma - as you are her only mummy. I do think she sounds crazy so the only way is to be firm with her.

I think the christmas thing sounds lovely, why would you want to spend the day with a control freak - don't let her spoil your day and enjoy your dd first christmas.

Thanks geordie- and yes she bought them all for herself in the first two weeks of my dd's birth- she is the 1st gc! Shame as we had some lovely mugs designed for both sets of grandparents as well! She is mad..

It just is a bit annoying about the presents, but it's beter to vent on her then at her I suppose.

YANBU she sounds a bloody nightmare but let the present thing go this year (we never buy pressies for the babies!) Till they are about 4 it doesn't even register who presents are from.

Tell you DH to have words, and next year say no presents we're emigrating!

I think she is rather sweet actually, with buying all the best nan stuff with her first grandchild.
Can you tell I wish my MIL was a bit more involved/caring?

"I also think she should appreciate that we are the main present buyers for our children's xmas"

Let her spend the cash and save your own money for a holiday

btw i come from the total opposite like ghosty! so i'd quite like a bit of what you're experiencing. My MIL buys 1 present that i choose and hasnever once offered to babysit, take kids out for the day. She the only grandmother i know who has gone to legoland & monkey world for the day with her partner and ome back and said " you should take the kids there, they'd love it! [hmmm] - very selfish indeed.

i really worry about this as i'll be a MIL one day - without meaning to hyjack this thread! what do you think makes a good/sane MIL then? as we don't want to be too aloof with my MIL and ghosties but also OP's MIl sounds like she is one crazy lady

IF dd isn't even 1, it'll be years before she knows who's bought what, so instaed of letting it rile you, smile and think what a heap of money she's saved, after all, you won't need to buy anything Put a few £ into a bank acc for the future, dd'll get more benefit from it.

Only a power battle if you let it. My auntie has just become a granny & I bet she's like your mil (maybe she is? ) I know she goes ott, but I alos know she's just so thrilled, she doesn't mean it maliciously.

My mil used to love it if any of my dc called her mummy. On the 1 hand I admit it made me feel a bit jealous, otoh, I didn't want to spoil her delight in her gc. Now she's dead, and I miss her so much, and my dc would give anything to have their granny back. Let her be 'super gran' it doesn't have to be a power battle. it really doesn't. Maybe suggest she buy fewer things. my mil used to shower them wih gifts too. She loved them so much. Now they get next to nothing. fil can't think, we have a v. small family, so only 1 aunt & 1 nan, who they never see. I know I'd rather have mil about, any day of the week.

wrt Christams, if you want the house empty by midday, what time are the gp allowed to come? Will you be seeing them eg boxing day? Sounds like they won't have the time to spend watching dc opening present, everyting sounds rushed & stressed tbh, esp if both sets of gp coming. WOuld a quiet Christmas day, then them coming in pm be less stressful? Then you have a quiet day, when things start to flag they come, when dc tired, goes to bed & you can have more adult time & everything less rushed. maybe people coming 4 or 5 ish might wor better and less hoofing out of door on stroke of 12 noon?

Knock the 'mummy' bit on the head but don't worry about the rest. As long as she's gone by lunchtime . We ususally have to throw my MIL out .

myermay- I think you need to understand your dil if I'm honest.

I am very independent and I like to feel in control- which is my downfall really. If my mil appreciated this or at least acknowledged this we would probably get on better, as I can put up with her being mental as long as I knew there was a bit of give and take.

I think it is very difficult for any mother to allow another mother into their fmily as she will alwys see her childen as children if you get me.

I think it is a very diffuclt situation as I have been honest with my mil, sat her down with my dh about the way she behaved after the birth, for example she brought her work friends round to the house to see my dd in the first week after her birth when it was meant to be family time, we weren't even asked they just turned up unannounced as they were passing... sadly it resulted in me having quite severe panic attacks which I am having counselling for.. I am not a weak person infact I have dealt with a lot over the years but her behaviour is just omething I have found very hard to deal with. She knows all this and still carried on and refers to my illness as me being a bit mental and I heard that from the horses mouth.

Anyway I could harp on all day.. but then I do feel terrible for people that have PIL that aren't interested too x

about xmas day.. they were wanting to come in the morning as FIL goes the pub at 1pm and wild horses wouldn't stop him so we were thinking 9.30am-10am which is the usual time we would go to them in previous years, we were going to drive over to both sets of parents but that would have been a combined journey of 36 miles, plus I am going to be 20 weeks preg and really don't want to up root dd.

They wouldn't come in the evening as they would want a drink and won't pay for a taxi or I'd have to drive 10 miles to get themand then take them home which I'm not going to do this year- although I did last xmas and I was 37 weeks preg!!!!!! I'm such a push over!

We are going to have dinner on boxing day etc I don't want to hoof them out but the way I'm feeling I don't want them here at all! But I know that is wrong

I meant arrivela between 9.30am- 10am and leaving about 1pmish

YABU keep your money firmly in your pocket - at least you know what to buy her for xmas - a lovely big naff "worlds greatest gran" jumper!!! nice

My parents have always done this, for DD1 and now DD2 - we are broke this year so thank god for that!!!

Could you do boxing day for the gparents?

I would hate it if my MIL referred to herself as Mummy!

Good luck getting the house cleared on Chrsitmas Day! Sounds like you need a plan How about at 11.45 you all put your coats on and say were off, have a lovely rest of the day, and stand in a line at the door?

I too would pick my battles. Could you store them and ebay them and go to Butlins with the money? Your DC would still benefit, more perhaps?

YANBU and I sympathise

You have got to knock the 'mummy' thing on the head, i couldn't stand that on your behalf!
Keep saying grandma v loudly and clearly, as if you are trying to get ruby to learn the word, lol, and sort out what your mum wants to be called, and pick something else for MIL.

As for presents, i know it's annoying and all but i think this year let it go, breathe deeply and after Christmas sort through what you don't want and sell it/give it away. be ruthless.
Put any money you might have spent towards lovely days out with dh and ruby

i kind of like your thinking about Christmas Day but i'd be concerned that they just won't leave...how will you make them?
A later on thing might work better as they have to go home to go to bed!
I know she has severely affected your mental health since ruby was born but/and you have to pick your battles...presents not being one of them, this year at least.

Agree that is showing herself to be a loon by buying those things for herself (love the word loon!)

Good luck and keep going with the counselling/venting on here

x-posted on the timing thing. sounds perfect for the in-laws. what about your parents? will they want to stay longer? are they welcome to?
can you manage that without it being too awkward?

oh and def don't drive around, you are NOT a taxi driver!

just stand by the kick them out by lunchtime thing.

As for the gifts, just let her, yuor dd will not know the difference, and you can just buy a special gift for her to mark her forst xmas. I couldn't tell yuo what my dd got for her 1st, yet she still has a cuddly toy she takes to bed from her dad and i on that day.

The time will fly, concentrate on the gifts, hide in the kitchen 'doing' stuff, and leave dh to it.

She's ott, but don't waste your energy worrying about it, try and rise above it and 'breathe'!!!

just pipped in..what i would do (with her sackfulls of presents) on xmas day is, as they all arrive say you have arranged that you LO will open 3 presents from each of them on the morning as it will be too much for dd/dont want to rush her/let her open ALL her toys over the holidays instead of all in one day/dont have time as doing brekkie then your all being kicked out..say they can choose 3 presents(or less if your own parents have bought less) and help dd open them, but what i would do is make a fuss of what your parents buy as if mil is as you say, shell pick the most expensive things and 'expect' you to bow at her feet!
Then physically take the rest of presents and put in another room/upstairs and say you will send pics of dd opening them so they dont miss out..finish it off with im sure youll understand i mean who would expect a 1yr old to open so many presents, that would be just silly

oh and id mention your plan to your parents so you dont upset them instead of overpowering mil

Ruby your MIL does sound a bit nuts. The mommy thing would seriously piss me off too, she obviously can't let go of the fact that your DD is your child not hers. I would also feel the same about the obscene amount of gifts, you should be the main present buyers, its ok for now but if this carries on your MIL will get worse and your DD may see her as the one to go to if she wants something. I only say this cos I am starting to feel the same about my parents. This xmas they are putting money into DS bank account (he is 3 months old) but they have talked about buying him mini motorbikes and god knows what else!
The trouble is your DH should be the one to sort this out and unless he feels the same way as you it could prove difficult to solve!

justkeepscreaming- We are going to have to do he coats on thing to get rid I think, we have bought dd one of those push a long things so will take her to the park, 12pm sounds good a time as any! I thin 2.5hrs is plenty anyway. My mom and step dad will come over with my grandad who I rarely see as he lives in Newcastle- I'm in the Midlands. It will be a full house!

DH wouldn't allow us not to see them on Christmas day and boxing day instead as the MIL would kick off wildly and we just don't want to have to deal with that.

CountPinkchickula- I like your idea and to be honest I can't imagine Ruby wanting to open a mountain of presents as she will be more interested in the presents she's already got I suppose, I think it s a good idea and also would stop they camping out until every last thing thats been wrapped is opened.. she still does the sack for dh which is sweet but dh gets pissed off when she wraps things like socks indidivudally!

she still does a sack for dh, oh lordy, she's stuck in some sort of timewarp.