To ask my MIL to take a step back at Christmas?

[Rubysmom08]

I know I will get shouted down but I am going to ask anyway.

I have had countless control issues with my MIL, bit of background is that she calls herself 'mommy' to my dd1 who is 9 months, I am cntinually critized and made to feel crap but I know that is my own assertiveness issues which I am getting helpo with.. anyway its our 1st xmas with dd and me and dh have stood strong even though we have been called 'selfish' by her and are spending xmas just the 3 of us (we are havingparents and pil round for bacon sandwhichs and bucks fizz in the morning but want house empty by lunchtime).. anyway my MIL has this competition thing with my mom about who can be the best grandparent, to the point she has bought herself mugs, picture frames, key rings, mouse mats etc stating that she is the Best Nan in the World- thats not the problem though- I always feel overshadowed by her and I feel as the parent we are the ones that by the most/biggest presents, thats how it always was in my house, and she has had the xmas' with her two children I don't see why she has to relive it as a parent with my dd.. she has two huge sacks of presents already and has spent £300 which I think is rediculous. My dd won't even be 1 and I just think it is waste of money.

Now some of you will call me an ungrateful cow but I am not I think it is nice in some ways that she wants to lavish my dd however I also think she should appreciate that we are the main present buyers for our children's xmas and that she shouldn't want to be super nan all the time.

more just so I understand, do you mean you make your DC choose 3 gifts that they have just been given at Christmas to give to the children's hospital?

How old are your children? How many presents do they get?

I just cannot imagne saying to the DC (8 and 4) here are your (not that many presents) but there are more deserving children than you, you must choose 3 to give away? Which even if you don't actually say those words, and I'm sure you don't, is the message you are giving them?

We give to out local children's hospice/hospital appeal every Christmas but I get the DC to choose something they would want to give to another DC - usually in the boots 3 for 2.

We also do smile international and samaritian purse shoeboxes and have lots of fun filling them, including from unused pencils/rubbers/colouring books etc that the children have but not a newly given gift that they have written to Santa and asked for. I don't think I'd want to do this and I'm old.

When my mum looked after ds while dh and I went away for a weekend we phoned ds and he said "Have to go, my other parents need me".

Given that I never grew up with a sense that mum was in any way pleased she had me around I am delighted that she really wants to be with ds. Even if sometimes she thinks she's his mum.

She also buys an unreasonably large number of presents, so we just didn't buy ds anything for Christmas for the first 3 years and then last year we bought him one thing and gave it him right at the end. This year I have again bought him 1 thing that he really wants.

Anything that mum gives him which he looks less confounded by or is just plain stupid (like the inflatable jet ski) I put on Trade Me and sell (usually for more than mum paid for it as she only buys heavily reduced things.) I then use that money to pay for useful stuff like swimming lessons.

She continues to buy large volumes of things, I think that she likes the shopping more than the giving IYSWIM.

Your dd is only a baby, save yourself heaps of money and buy her nothing. You argue yourself that buying things does not make your MIL the world's best gran. Prove that the reverse is true.

Grans that call themselves 'mum'. She sounds like a psycho! Can you not just say to her 'But you're not MY child's mother. I am'?

I found that getting very assertive with my MIL has worked wonders over the years. She went through a little 'woe is me, my DIL is such a mean cow' stage, but in the long run, she has a grudging respect for my 'Don't fuck with me, beeatch' attitude

Bless her.

so we did it

went round on sat and when gifts were mentioned etc, my dh mentioned that we needed to find a happy medium, she got all upset and said 'fine I won't buy anything then if you're going to ruin my fun'.. dh went into kitchen with FIL who completely backed us aswell and MIL said that she felt betrayed and ganged up on and could I see her point. I said that Dh was speaking on behalf of both of us.

Then she went upstair and brought down a toy pushchair, the one which I had said I wanted to get dd when the new baby arrived in May as a present form the new baby. I was really hurt by this and couldn't see her logic in buying it but she just kept going on about it being a bargain that I kept my mother shut. By the way she was fully aware of our intentions of buying the pushchair and the reasons etc.

When we left her parting words were, ' right, me and FIL are off to see what else we can buy for dd in town.' complete disregard.

So I texted her when I got home, laying out exactly where she had stepped over the mark, how she had undermined us and was basically going to ruin xmas for us if the bhaviur continued.

It seems to have worked as she apologised and said she would set a budget etc. I know texting is a bit lame however you get shouted down on the phone and she needed to be able to read it a few times to let it sink it.

Anyway she wentout with the family that night and has since sent a message to one of dh aubties saying that she was hurt and that they cheered her up etc, so I basically assume I have been painted as the shitty DIL, but couldn't care less feel completely liberated!

Thanks for your help xxx

Really well done....

Dreadful DIL coments I'm sure you can live with ! Your Dh will always be her blue eyed n
boy!

I wiould still say given her past actions I remember you from a couple of other hreads (I think) get your e bay account ready and put the profit into a savings account for when dd is bigger DD would really really appreciate that much more!