To ask my MIL to take a step back at Christmas?

[Rubysmom08]

I know I will get shouted down but I am going to ask anyway.

I have had countless control issues with my MIL, bit of background is that she calls herself 'mommy' to my dd1 who is 9 months, I am cntinually critized and made to feel crap but I know that is my own assertiveness issues which I am getting helpo with.. anyway its our 1st xmas with dd and me and dh have stood strong even though we have been called 'selfish' by her and are spending xmas just the 3 of us (we are havingparents and pil round for bacon sandwhichs and bucks fizz in the morning but want house empty by lunchtime).. anyway my MIL has this competition thing with my mom about who can be the best grandparent, to the point she has bought herself mugs, picture frames, key rings, mouse mats etc stating that she is the Best Nan in the World- thats not the problem though- I always feel overshadowed by her and I feel as the parent we are the ones that by the most/biggest presents, thats how it always was in my house, and she has had the xmas' with her two children I don't see why she has to relive it as a parent with my dd.. she has two huge sacks of presents already and has spent £300 which I think is rediculous. My dd won't even be 1 and I just think it is waste of money.

Now some of you will call me an ungrateful cow but I am not I think it is nice in some ways that she wants to lavish my dd however I also think she should appreciate that we are the main present buyers for our children's xmas and that she shouldn't want to be super nan all the time.

Justkeep screaming- my MIL told my mom at my baby shower that she was going to be called Nanny as Grandma sounded old. My mom said not to worry that she is happy with Grandma.. MiL then went onto say that Ruby would say her name earlier because it being easier for her.. .. my mom is just like me and smiled walked away and drank two shots of vodka!!!!!!!

Justkeep screaming- my MIL told my mom at my baby shower that she was going to be called Nanny as Grandma sounded old. My mom said not to worry that she is happy with Grandma.. MiL then went onto say that Ruby would say her name earlier because it being easier for her.. .. my mom is just like me and smiled walked away and drank two shots of vodka!!!!!!!

loony competitive gran, glad you have your nice mum to fall back on!!!

On the question of what makes a good MiL - I really shouldn't get on with mine at all. We have very different views on life, politics and everything else. However, she does love my children and she makes a point of telling me that they are a credit to me and what a good mum I am. I don't know how true it is but she is wise enough to know that it is what I need to hear and it certainly softens my heart towards her.

don't see the problem with the name. I assumed dc would call their gm 'grandma' , as that's what I had called mine.

MIL kept using 'nanny' which I hate with a passion. And MY mum insisted on 'nana' which I also hate! She also said she didn't want grandma, as it sounded old!

I did the old power struggle thing and kept using 'grandma' with mil, she tired, bless her, but kept accidentally using 'nanny' Oooh it made me cross. Then I decided one day it wasn't worth it and accepted 'nanny'. It's a new name for her after all and she should be allowed to chose what she wanted to be called imo (tho it took me a while to come round to it I must admit)

It's a totally new role for her, and one that thankfully she's rejoicing in. Think it's a bit mean really to complain about everything she does or says or how she says it. I bet none of it is meant badly. Just think how it'll be when YOU'RE the mil getting bitched about for every little thing.

OMG Ruby she sounds like a nightmare. Your Mum sounds nice and normal. Does your DH think his mother is a pain the arse too?

Ruby: I had the exact same issues with my MIL & FIL.

On dd's first Christmas they asked us what she was getting from Santa. We told them everything, even showed them some stuff...

What did they do? They went & got her better things than us.. by 'better' I mean, we had got her brandless stuff, a baby doll that wasn't very expensive (she has literally just one) but they went & bought a baby bjorn doll. We also had bought a tiny buggy @ £5.99 at the local market.. they bought her a baby bjorn one too... It was obvious though to me & dh what they had done. I seethed so much I had a horrendous day.

The following year they did the same thing..They asked me if they could buy her a bike. We don;t have anywhere smooth enough for her to cycle so I said wait until next year whe we've got the place tarred. I was pg (overdue) with ds & asked them not to buy her a lot of stuff as we had got her a bit extra.. that year they knew we had got her a leap pad.. a pink one. They landed here with a bigger one, with a carry bag & 4 games.. I lost the plot. I wouldn't let her open anything at all & I started to cry. MIL said I was a 'stupid child' and they wanted to 'show the child that WE love her... because you're obviously going to ignore her when this other baby arrives'. At this point dh put them out.

DS was born 2 days later.... and on the day I brought him home from hospital they arrived up with nothing for him but a brand new pink sparkly bike for dd...... the bike I had told them not to get her for Christmas!!

We had a year in between then & now where we didn't speak to each other DH felt totally undermined by the bike incident & I just felt like they wanted to be parents to dd..... we finally overcame our differences & I am able to say to them now not to buy dd & ds too much at Christmas, it's not fair. My mum has 16 grandchildren & sometimes feels it when there are expensive gifts from the in-laws. And I hate it too, as they never visit us but when they do make an appearance they have huge expensive gifts.

TBH I do have a better relationship with them now that we both know where we stand. So I would advise you/your dh to say something to you MIL now before Christmas so you don't hit the bottle at 10am like I did that first year!!!

Just make sure that the presents gets opened but not completely (the Sick Childrens Hospital wont accept toys that are not in the original packets/wrapping) choose however many of them you want and give them to a Childrens Home or the Sick Childrens Hospital that is what we do. Every x-mas and New Year the children choose min. 3 gifts each that they then get to give to other children.

She calls herself 'mommy' and buys herself' greastest grandma' stuff. Clearly bonkers.

wall of silence - thats unreal behaviour! there are truly some crazy grandparents out there!

She is BONKERS. YANBU at all. And all the people who come on here and say - "oh you're so lucky, my MIL never wants to spend time with my DC" - that's NOT helpful, that's just another extreme. What OP wants is a happy medium.

I would:

• sit down with DP and tell him how much this upsets and hurts you
• tell him that he has to have one uncomfortable conversation with his Mum in which he says (i) no more 'mummy' and (ii) please talk to us before you buy hundreds of things - just check with us first please
• then be really nice to her whilst always remembering to think of yourself first.

Good luck! x

I think it is alright for grandparents to dictate what they are called by their grandchild as long as it is NOT anything along the lines of 'mum/mummy/mama or any variation.

Bit harsh to make them use grandmother(or word of your choice) as they are the one being called it. I don't like nanna particularly but that is what MIL called her Gran and so sounds right to her.

But I agree with littleone you must get DP do sort this out soon and let her know, she may not be doing it in a malicious way.

And at least she is interested in your DD, my FIL has only seen DS2 once and that was because we went to see him. (apparently he can't get up here, though quite easily drives past our city to see my BIL )

I have a similar problem with presents except it's my Mum that does the spoiling, and it drives my DH nuts (neither of us get on that well with each others parents).

I think the fact it's your MIL's only grandchild probably has a lot to do with it. I'm an only child and my daughter is more than likely to be one too. Combined with the fact that my parents are 10yrs older than my in-laws and feel they won't have as much with DD, it's very difficult to say anything to them (or Mum - Dad knows where I'm coming from but Mum wears the trousers!)

Providing it's not upsetting your parents, I would try and take it with a pinch a salt, if you don't think there's any other way of getting through to her. I realise it's a lot easier said than done, but sometimes you have to try and gain satisfaction from the fact that you are being the bigger person, however hard that is.

Would definitely tell her where to get off with the calling herself 'mummy' though!

As much time with DD - that should have read. Also...

...sorry to hijack a bit - but with so much talk of what names are appropriate - what about 'Papa' for grandad.

My DD has always called my dad that as she couldn't manage 'Grandpa' to begin with and it stuck.

Doesn't seem to bother anyone, although if anything I think it worries my Dad that DH if offended by it (if he is he hasn't told me)

YANBU. We always spend Xmas day on our own and see parents boxing day/Xmas eve. It's just more relaxed that way. My MIL wanted to do all 'the firsts' with DD1 too, take her abroad, first to push the pram etc etc, she would probably have fed her first if she had the chance! DH didn't stand up to her for years and visits would be her ignoring me while snatching DD and almost smothering her while if she did speak to me it would be to say DD wasn't dressed properly or something. She, luckily, is quite stingy with money so we haven't been bombarded with too many gifts. Now that we have had more kids, she doesn't bother so much, it seems like if she can't have it her way (take over totally) then she keeps her distance.

Calling herself mummy is freakishly awful tbh. My MIL said to DD when she was born 'you're mine you are' and snatched her away from me, still gives me chills!

get yourself on this site now for loads of support and coping stratges

Love your plan CountPINK! I might need that idea too

If my mum or my MIL encouraged my DD to call them "mummy/mama" etc, I would seriously never speak to them again. What on earth does she think she is playing at?!

The present stuff I would let lie. Its silly but your DC isnt going to even know who has bought her what. Its my DD's first Xmas and we have said that we dont want people to buy her much, I know my mum will spoil her but let them get on with it.

I like your Christmas day idea. We are torn at the moment and will end up going to both houses and causing upset along the way!

My MIL does the "mama" bit with my two. I just let her. They know who their mother is.
Maybe you should encourage the grans to buy one small gift for christmas and start a college fund with whatever they want to put in.
Wouldn't it be great if all those gifts that your DD will surely outgrow were invested in her future education? That is a gift she will appreciate (and you too).

Why would a MIL ask them to "mama" her. I genuinely don't understand?

Is it vindictive (?) it seems so.

Nana is just as easy to learn.

It must be quite confusing for young babies trying to make sense of the world and who we all are to have "mama" applied to people who arent his or her mama!

There's one strategy that I've seen to be effective when MIL insists on calling herself mummy/mama etc, although you'll need to get your DH on side and actively involved...

Your MIL is a mum - to your DH. So every time that she refers to herself as mum deliberately misinterpret what she says and make it refer to your DH. Does that make sense?

So, for example, say she said something along the lines of 'mummy got you (ie DD) this cute toy', then you say 'I think DH is a bit old for IgglePiggle'. Or if she gets her a little outfit and says 'Look at this cute outfit that mummy got you', DH can say something like 'Thanks Mum but I think it's a bit small for me and pink has never been my colour...'.

You know she is not going to like it when you do this but on the other hand, you don't like it when she calls herself mummy. Psyche yourself up in advance, think of it as a game, if she has some stock phrases that she uses, make up some good responses in advance and see how long it takes for the message to sink in.

And as myermay says, you need to have the conversation with her to explicitly ask her what 'grandma' name she wants to be called.

Have you got a bank account set up for your daughter that you could give her details of so if she feels the need to spend lots of money she could pay into it? there was something on moneysavingexpert.com about a Halifax account that was a good one for kids that you could put a fixed sum into up to a maximum of £100/month. (details are on their savings for kids special page). From what I can gather, you can have several of these accounts but only one person can save into it for the kid - so you could have one that is set up explicitly for her to pay into, and for the first year at least, it gets 10% interest which is pretty good. If your MIL wants to splash some cash, could you encourage her to put it into something like this for your dd ('for her uni/car/house deposit/etc when she will really appreciate it and thank you for it MIL...'). She can even play competitive granny-ing with it because she will be able to see what she is putting in IYSWIM - or at least you could spin it to her in that sort of way.

Any chance you can get receipts to take any of the stuff back/or encourage her to do so? Or get her to leave some stuff at her house to be played with (ie not used lots) because you don't have storage for stuff? Or ask her to help out looking after DD while you go and sell everything at the NCT/whoever nearly new sale...

It's miserable having a MIL like this - but if you know she is going to do it, take a deep breath and turn it into a game in your head and then you can turn it around more easily. All sorts of ways of doing it (have posted on it before but can't remember where, sorry) - have a MIL bingo card with all her nasty sayings and habits on, to cross off as they occur. Promise yourself a glass of wine/big bar of choc/ long soaky bath/new handbag/whatever when you fill up the card or get a row. Or bet with your DH to see who will get their card filled first. etc etc - you never know, you might actually be wanting her to call your DD 'mummy' just one more time so you can finish your card and have a legitimate reason to go get that pair of shoes you have been eyeing up or that bar of choc that has been sitting calling to you from the shelf...

good luck!

myermay, I have 4 boys and have asked myself over and over again what sort of MIL I would make. ( For the record, one of my Mumsnet names has been MyMILisDoloresUmbridge)
I came to the conclusion that I would just be a Reasonable Human Being! That should work out fine so long as my DILs are the same!

In seems on this thread that although mums dont like it, some dont think its too unreasonable/weird/wrong for their MIL's or mums to refer to themselves as mummy/mamma.

I am astounded.

I asked my DH (who is always Mr Reasonable/Mr Rational versus volatitle drama queen me!) and eve HE thinks it is bang out of order. He said that he would take either of our mums to task over this and consider falling out with them.

I remember once, when my niece was only a baby, my mother taking her from me and saying "Come to Mama"
I thought it was odd and told my dsis about it. Yes, probably stirring up trouble but I did think that my sis should know.
My dsis confronted my Mum who gave some excuse of wanting to be "Mammy to everyone"
I do think the truth was that my dsis was only 20 when she had my niece and my mother had always been sorry she didn't have more children and she was half-hoping my sis would hand my niece over. Which she didn't!