To Think that Motherhood has become Horrifically Competitive

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perhaps parenting has always been competitive but it seems with the plethora of How to bring up your child type books it has become ridiculously so this generation. I think too often mums aren't honest with each other for fear of looking like bad parents. I really wish there was more a sisterhood among mums and less sactimonious one-up-man-ship. We would all be so much happier and more confident. Instinctive parenting seems all but lost as a result.

I am trying to think of RL rather than stuff that is put out in the media. No, I have not noticed it is competitive. Maybe because I never did babysigning or the toddler groups much. And went back to work as soon as my dcs were safely installed in ft nursery.

Now that my dd has just started school (private and mostly middle-class it appears), I can see how could be comparisons regarding reading books and activities. But nah, I don't ask, I don't answer in too much specifics and actually don't really want to know.

I think often people are just stumped for conversation.

Take the teeth thing. People are always asking me how many teeth dd2 has as if it's a sign of intelligence. But really I think they're just looking for conversation, as so often two mothers at, say, the nursery gates have nothing in common beside the fact they have dcs. Then they say "oh, little jasper had 19 teeth at that age" purely as a response.

Having said that, I think parenting is taken way too seriously by some now and there is a big industry out there conniving with this. All the discussion of what expensive pram to buy, as if it really matters so long as it has four wheels. Totally agree with the ebay thing, nearly all my dds' stuff is handmedowns from their cousins and some mums react as if I've dressed them in rags. Just stay out of it.

I am sorry, two of my children are nearly grown up and other is nearly teenager, but what is 'baby signing'?

Is it some kind of sign language for babies?

yep, baby signing is exactly that - sign language for babies! It can be great if used to supplement language learning, (I have a 3 yr old with language delay) but generally I think it's for people who just can't wait for their l.o's to start speaking!!

And to take the teeth thing a bit further, I remembered that competitive ex-friend was even getting her knickers in a twist over the order in which her ds' teeth were coming through. Apparently it was "atypical."

I do often wonder how these competitive mummy types would actually cope if they had real issues to worry about, such as SN in their children.

I agree with Jujumaman that a lot of it is just making conversation. When you have a child you're thrown together with a loth of other women who you have little in common with other tan your children, so it's natural to ask about milestones. I don't think anyone's really stupid enough to think it matters how and when a baby's teeth come through (within reason(.

I live in a leafy SW London suburb and have never come across any of this. Even at DS's nursery which was full of 4x4 people who would probably fit the stereotype of competitive mummies, nobody did this.

I have to say that I can only think of one adjective to describe somebody who would, with a straight face, tell another mother that their own baby is advanced and that is 'thick'.

Resolves to move to a non-competitive area - I do live in very mc surrey so its to be expected really. I have to say - most people I know aren't like it - except for the odd few who I can't quite get rid of. And sad to say it is mostly prevelant in places Mums go for support - NCT groups, h.v clinics etc.. I suspect that a lot of competitive mummying is in fact pfbish manifesting itself. My PFB cannot possibly be 'normal'

kettlechip i went to signing just cos it was an easy activity nearby to us, not cos i couldn't wait for DS to start talking!

He loved signing and i found things very easy because he could tell me what he wanted and when.

Obviously i know it is perfectly possible to manage without it! But it made both our lives easier and it was a nice group. There were so many times when he made a grunt or sound and i had no clue what it was until he did the sign.

Not everyone there is an uber yummy mummy who must have darling tarquin speaking asap.

I am usually mad tree lady in style and appearance so am outside the stereotype i hope.

I have a friend who says "My DS loves his lego, does yours?" Me: "No, not really, he's more into art", her "Oh, isn't he at that stage yet then" Me (to myself) "No, he just doesn't like lego!"

Surely it is natural to be excited about your own childs acheivements, and want to share them?

I genuinely think all children are wonderful and love finding out what they are good at, and how they are developing. I also love how the differences between children become more apparent as they grow.

DD1 just happens to have always had an amazing grasp of language - talking, singing, reading, and recently more foreign languages than I can cope with. This is her strong point. DD2's strong point appears to be her quiet caring nature, and her ability to happily 'get on' with things when her health makes life so hard for her, this always impresses me just as much.

I do not want my children to hear me discussing thier shortcomings (of which of course they have plenty) with near-strangers, but rather to have pride in thier developing natural abilities.

It is also an easy topic to settle on in early years when you have very little in common with other mums. (with dd1 I was always at 10-25 years younger than other mums at mum+tots groups, but knew ALOT about child development, as was studying it at UNI so found it an easy topic).

I try not to come across as competitive, but probably have done on some occasions. sorry.

Shoot me!

(PS I live near a council estate in the north!)

I think there is a big difference between being proud of you children's achievements and abilities and the few people who think it is necessary to make derisive or mild put down comments about other people's children.

The problem for me is, that when it happens it hurts and upsets me and I cannot forget it easily!!

It's lovely to talk to another mum when they are just pleased and proud, without constant comparison.

Haven't read all replies, sorry

In answer to OP - I only really encounter the competitiveness on MN - all these stoooopid
'I was outraged/disgusted/shocked/dismayed by this example of 'bad' parenting' rants - so bloody dull.

In RL, people don't seem half as judgemental. Or maybe they just keep it to themselves. Either way, I don't have to deal with it, gladly, because I wouldn't actually want to be friends with anyone who genuinely gave a shit whether I had my child in a routine / gave them a dummy / used a buggy after a certain age yadda yadda yadda.

I think what happens is that as soon as you feel you are inadequate/being criticised/etc, you respond by being more assertive and making more comparisons which are then perceived as criticism and so it goes on.... If you are confident anyway the competition doesn't arise.

example 1: lingle was very intimidated by NCT classes, felt like the stupid girl at the back and therefore felt a bit triumphant when had terrific birth thanks to Mr Epidural: result: rest of class fed up with lingle for being unintentionally competitive.

example 2: lingle offers apples and goodie bars to DS1. other mums are offering biscuits. lingle refuses biscuit politely. lingle is branded as competitive mother who is judging other children. lingle actually has no notion who these other children are and couldn't give a toss what they eat.

example 3: lingle fails to upgrade 40-year-old kitchen and keeps filthy lino and no carpet in hall. Consequently DS1 learns to ride bike in said hall and kitchen. Result, other mothers - quite genuinely - congratulate lingle on having foresight to give DS1 competitive cycling advantage as he cycles earlier than their kids.

I'm rather fond of example 3, I must say...