To Think that Motherhood has become Horrifically Competitive

[scifinerd]

perhaps parenting has always been competitive but it seems with the plethora of How to bring up your child type books it has become ridiculously so this generation. I think too often mums aren't honest with each other for fear of looking like bad parents. I really wish there was more a sisterhood among mums and less sactimonious one-up-man-ship. We would all be so much happier and more confident. Instinctive parenting seems all but lost as a result.

in a way the SN world is so much easier. We don't compete because our kids are so sick and too many die. And if a child does manage to hold up their heads by 4 everyone is pleased.
It cuts to what is important.

that article is very good
'Oh stop ?interacting?, I'd long to cry,'

there seem to be just so many activities now, gym club, french, music, ballet, swimming ... all for the under 4's!

I think it's more about feeling you are not doing enough, as everyone else jumps on these bandwaggons you start to feel like you are falling short. i just thought relaxing at home, walking, baking and reading and playing were good enough for the pre- 3's

I think competitive parenting stems from the mothers need for approval. You normally find it's women who have been fairly succesful in their careers and then find themselves at home with a child they can't control. They then throw themsleves into being the perfect mum so they have a sense of achivement that they lack since stopping work.

"Instinctive parenting seems all but lost as a result."

I think competitive parenting is instinctive parenting. Life is a competition. It is quite, quite normal primate behaviour to look at how others are doing and to compare - and that is what spurs us all on to do better.

i don't think it is, some of my parent friends don't fit that description in some strange way traipsing week in week out to gym club or dancing has become the norm. It's not what I intend to do, I fall into the lazy, leaf collecting, baking, playing kind of parent.

I also do the 'yeah that's great' bit I feel I fall short of the total interaction in a loud patronising voice type of parenting ..

But you don't understand my ds is so utterly brilliant, he crawled at 3 months, was reciting poetry at 8months and has now penned his first opera at 10 months! Why can't your dcs do the same?

IMHO mums who obssess about how their babies/children are doing compared to others' babies (especially if they are oh so advanced) seriously need to get a life. Every child is different and will do things at different rates and ages. Comparisons are irrelevant.

I fell at the first hurdle.. routines!

It has'nt just become it, it has always been the same

Where are all you people moving to to avoid all this competitive rubbish?

Hugely competitive around here too - a lot of princess-ness amoung the mothers I notice. Uggg.

I'd love to move to the back end of no-where and get away from it (in fact Rightmove is my open on my other tab for that very purpose).

Is it generally the rural areas that are less competitive then?

Actually, even our Dr said recently 'I assume you are taking [clumsy 4 year old] to [name of very dull gymn miles away] to improve his co-ordination.

Er, no. I let him walk miles home, and clamber on every step, rock and log he comes across. Not only is he in the fresh air as little boys should be, but is having fun, exercising without knowing it, and enjoying a mother who isn't stressed from driving half way across town to drink coffee-machine coffee.

Sorry, almost off-topic, but it really niggled me.

I'm in Hampshire - home of the ubermummy you would have thought. But nope - no-one seems to want to be the least bit competitive with me (except possibly about DD2s weight - people seem to confuse babies with prize marrows round here and assume the bigger the better).

the gym stuff niggles me too, i keep getting told how great it is for them .. but its miles away and a pain in the arse to get to and it's every week, and the waiting list is a year!

i mean traipse about but don't make us country walking, tree climbing types feels guilty about it ..

don't they do gym at school..

Yay!! Common sense!! I really struggle with this and fall into the trap so many times -worrying my dd's aren't somehow normal..
One mum told me how wonderful her son was getting on ata private pre-school - how he could read and write his name at 2yrs . So I said I was really looking forward to dd1 starting playgroup at 2.5 cos I think she would enjoy it. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut - she reacted with pure horror apparently my dd was not 'mature' enough for playgroup and besides playgroups aren't as good as preschools and she will be academically behind in reception. I laugh now but at the time (only 6mths ago!) I cried for about 2 hours
And do not get me started on the comments I get about dd not being toilet trained at 2.8yrs

How sad and horrible for you scrappydoo, these type of people are bad for your health .

I get a rush of anxiety when I think about "activities" and dd is only 2.1. People are already asking when she's going to start dancing lessons!

Luckily I won't have to engage in school gate malarkey as I live opposite a school, so a quick crossing of the road and brief drop off will be all that's required then I can lurk in my window at home time .

V v competitive here affluent suburb of major British City (not London) but because it's a city there's a hugely diverse mix of people and if you root around hard enough and for long enough you can find nice like minded people.

It's taken me 2 years of living her to finally start making connections with other parents similar to us, on mat leave i would sit in horror at the baby groups dd having all day colic and screaming whilst all the local yummy brigade smiled serenely at their sleeping through the night immediately etc etc serene babies.

I am very careful about who I mix with as there are some people who always seem to stress me out with their worries about schools etc. I just think, in the long run will a lot of these stresses really make a difference to the future happiness of their children's lives?

One mum at my DS's nursery wouldn't let her son stay for extra afternoon sessions because she said "all they do at nursery is play, and if he is at home I can do the alphabet and numbers etc with him". How sad is this?

Just read my posts through. You can see that I am not competitive about spelling and punctuation either .

I don't really buy in to the 'competitive' vision of OP, I quietly want my child to be the best but am sadly resigned to a rather different reality . I just don't see competition in any other parents, either (presumably I'm blind?).

However, PERFECTIONIST motherhood, yes. You see it all the time on MN, with the "Gasp, shock, you weaned your baby when??", "You pierced your baby's ears?!" "You smacked?!" etc.

Nobody is allowed to experiment, make mistakes, take small risks any more without feeling scrutinised.

(Or is it just me thinking that way...?)

What a great thread. I can see it happening around me already. I'm the person who returned to work early as I was crap as a SAHM, used a second hand car seat, got a cot off freecycle and regularly let DD drape herself over our lovely good-natured (but no doubt full of fleas and germs) dog.

My DD is the last to do everything and I make a point of not voicing 'congratulations' or 'comiserations' over other children's 'achievements'. It does get up my nose. My DD has been terribly ill and when I bumped into another Mum in town she told me how her DD had said some words now, and was VERY nearly crawling, blah blah... I was with my DH and as we walked away I realised she hadn't even asked how my DD was despite knowing I was at home to take care of her. Another Mum asked if I was going to enrol her in baby college (WTF?) and I said no I'm paying nursery good money to do that so I don't have to! Sorry this is really long, but BAH humbug to competitive Mummies!

'One mum at my DS's nursery wouldn't let her son stay for extra afternoon sessions because she said "all they do at nursery is play, and if he is at home I can do the alphabet and numbers etc with him". How sad is this? '

The poor child!

The worst competitive mummies are the ex high fliers who "gave it all up" to bring up their darling children at home (with or without an army of nannies to help...). All their own ambition and competitiveness that they used to use at work themselves is now focussed on the achievements of their darling progeny. Lots of them in west london (and the americans completely excel at the competitive thing... shh, not generalising....)