Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....very trivial, not at all major, just a bit irritating habit of friend's child, how would you respond?

27 replies

FossilSister · 22/10/2008 18:35

Whenever my friend brings her little boy over to play, he always comes and complains to me that my DD is not sharing. This usually means he wants what my DD is playing with. (They are both 3). His Mum waits for me to sort it. What would you do?

Very trivial, I know he's only a child. Tried all the obvious "Would you like this instead?" stuff. Just don't want to be constantly taking stuff off DD to give to him.

I suppose I'm asking "How do you stand up for your child without being rude to someone else's?"

OP posts:
SugaryBits · 22/10/2008 18:37

I usually say something along the lines of..."Let (my DS) have it for 5 more minutes then it will be your turn"

Very diffcult though.

kerryk · 22/10/2008 18:37

i just say well why do you pick something that she is not already playing with. there must be something in the box you would like.

i dont really go in for the whole, every toy should be shared with every visitor all the time.

let them argue it out themselves a bit

luckylady74 · 22/10/2008 18:43

I would look directly at her(the other mum) and say 'I'm a bit stuck to what to say to him because he wants something as soon as my ds picks it up - do you want to tell him?' in a totally neutral tone - nothing wrong with being straight with people.
If she's still useless then start setting a kitchen timer for stuff - eg you have 3 minutes till the bell goes and then it's your turn. I also say very 'special' toys like their comfort bear do not have to be shared.

tooscaredtothink · 22/10/2008 18:45

They are only 3 and both have to learn to share. Of course they are going to want to have what the other one is playing with as it looks so much more exciting.

Agree with SugaryBits to say ..."Let dd have it for 5 more minutes then it will be your turn".

Yanda · 22/10/2008 19:28

Agree with the turn taking, thats what we do because you don't have to share everything immediately that someone else wants it, but it is nice to take turns.

ALMummy · 22/10/2008 19:35

I usually say in a kind voice "well dd is just having her go very quickly and you can have your turn in a few minutes", then ignore any further whinging.

bubblagirl · 22/10/2008 19:39

i just get them to play with something else and say when he is done with it you can play with it and then his sharing but his playing with it at them moment

probably a child that is used to having what he wants save a best toy and give child one your dc has and then bring outt his amazing toy and give it to yours

Liffey · 22/10/2008 19:42

It's a tricky one this, always a fine line to tread when your friends are with and you and their children are there.

I've said things along the lines of

"why don't you play with something else while you wait for my dc to lose interest in the doll/car/buggy"

harpomarx · 22/10/2008 19:42

I would try to leave the room if humanly possible... Maybe, just maybe, they will sort it out themselves. I know dd and friends tend to appeal a lot to adults to sort this stuff out but seem to handle it better on their own if they have to. Not always, obviously, but sometimes - and that way they are learning a little bit about relationships.

morningpaper · 22/10/2008 19:45

I would probably just confisacte said item so I could concentrate on my cup of tea

compo · 22/10/2008 19:47

just say 'okay then seeing as both of you aren't sharing let's go to the park' or meet at softplay maybe
sometimes kids don't play nicely just cos their mum's are friends

DesperateHousewifeToo · 22/10/2008 19:49

I agree with introducing the 'sharing negotiations'.

I would say ''dd is having a turn now and in a minute it will be your turn, won't it dd?''.

I would always make sure that the visitor has a turn (unless they change their mind!).

If, dd/ds wanted something, I would tell them to ask ''can I have a turn in a minute?''. Which, I think, gives the other parent the cue to hand it over at some point.

It's a bit of a pain when people visit who do not feel their dc's should share (although don't spend much time with many people like that ). Luckily, ,most friends are like minded.

pamelat · 22/10/2008 19:51

could you buy 2 really cheap identical toys and refuse to get any other toys out.

Flocci · 22/10/2008 19:56

My SIL was particularly bad at sorting her son out so i finally flipped and said to dd " would you mind letting xx have a turn with it in a minute because he isn't as good as sharing as you are, so you can show him what a good friend you are, and how to share properly" Thankfully dd played along quite nicely and SIL was mortified when her son just snatched the toy and ran off. Since then she has been better at sorting him out and not just leaving it to me to intervene.

But then, I quite dislike SIL so didn't mind being rude / patronising. perhaps a more polite version of this would work?

vworried · 22/10/2008 20:04

I put away any "special" toys that I know will cause problems. After that who ever has it first gets to play with it, unless they've been hogging it for a very long time and the other child is very distressed, when I would say it's X's turn now.

So the answer to your friend's child is - she had it first, you play with something else.

Twelvelegs · 22/10/2008 20:10

For most things we have five minute rules too.

CountTo10 · 22/10/2008 20:16

I do the 'well x is playing with it at the moment and then you can have a turn in x minutes so lets find something else in the meantime'. We've had this situation a lot and I have had times when I have just called it with the children be it mine or someone elses. Sharing has to be taught and encouraged but simply taking something from someone because they have what you want is not sharing and unfair!! We've had this a lot with ds1 being on both ends of it. It does get better though!!

thisisyesterday · 22/10/2008 20:18

I do not do "enforced sharing"
if either child is playing with something and the other one wants it then they just have to wait until it is available.

if a friend of ds's said that to me then I would just say "oh, ds is playing with that at the moment, you can have it when he is finished"

and that's that. no solutions, no trying to make them share.
at 3 they're old enough to understand what I have said, and old enough to find something else to play with instead

WorzselMummage · 22/10/2008 20:21

I'd just tell the child in the exact same way i'd tell my own child.. 'go and find something else to play with then, i am sure you can have a go in a minute'

Original poster
FossilSister · 22/10/2008 21:56

Thanks all for your suggestions. Seems to be some agreement on suggesting they wait a few minutes till DD has finished with it, so I will try that.

It's actually the fact that he says "DD isn't sharing with me" that gets to me! It really puts my back up, because she is quite a good sharer and will often, not always, say "Ok you have it".

I don't want her to think I think she should always give things up.

I said to her afterwards "I thought you shared really nicely today, even tho X didn't always."

OP posts:
babymt · 22/10/2008 22:04

You could just do what I end up doing which is losing my rag and not letting either of them play with the damn toy? The more often you do this the less they come to you for help! LOL

I have a friends ds who does this with my dd and I get so sick of them bloody fighting all the time. We barely spend time at each others houses anymore because it gets too stressful.

IMO my dd's are very good at sharing, they are 22 months apart and now aged 2 & 4 so have grown up used to it, he's an only child.

babymt · 22/10/2008 22:06

Not saying only children are bad at sharing btw! Just that I think he's a bad sharer because he's an only child and hasn't ever had to share. Also his mothers always saying to other kids "that is his special toy so how about you just let him have it" etc etc

saggyhairyarse · 22/10/2008 22:36

I am surprised at the responses. I usually appeal to my kids 'that so and so is our guest and so they can have the toy of they want it as we can play with it anytime'.

loobeylou · 23/10/2008 00:16

children need to be taught that sharing does not mean having the toy taken off them and given to someone else immediately

maybe this is what the boy thinks as this is what happens to him?

I am in the "it will be your turn in a couple of minutes" camp - then try to interest your child in another toy. If there is a favourite they really will not share, make sure it is out of the way before visitors come

sunnydelight · 23/10/2008 08:37

The next time he says your DD isn't sharing I would say "sharing isn't handing something over the minute you decide you want it. I'm sure if you wait your turn you'll find that DD will share the toy".

I have no patience with dobbers

Swipe left for the next trending thread