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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to contribute to my friend's 30th birthday present?

63 replies

NorkyButNice · 19/10/2008 19:32

Quick version of back-story here - my close group of 5 uni friends club together at each birthday to buy a reasonable sized present, and at "special" years (eg 30th) we all put a bit extra in the pot. The recipient gets the chance to say what kind of present they'd like - usually it's a handbag, or make-up, or a gadget...if they have no idea then we come up with something ourselves.

This year, my very good friend has asked if we'll just give her money, so that she can "make her birthday go with a bang" - which means she'll be calling her drug dealer mate for some cocaine to take on the night.

Now, personally I'm not a drug user, but a couple of my friends are, and I'd never choose to tell them how to spend their time or money (they are all child-free btw). BUT I do have big objections to MY money being spent on illegal substances.

I raised my concerns, and was informed by others in the group that she's asked her that if we give her a proper present, we also give the receipt so she can cash it in - she did this last year apparently.

THe group is split 50:50 as to whether we should follow the usual rule, that the birthday girl gets what she wants. I am being looked on as a party-pooper! SO AIBU?

OP posts:
hullygully · 19/10/2008 19:33

yes

EdwardCullenCanHaveMysoul · 19/10/2008 19:34

No YANBU in my opinion.
Can you do the usual presnt route with the other 50% who are on your 'side'?

McDreamy · 19/10/2008 19:35

YANBU I wouldn't be happy either.

hanaflower · 19/10/2008 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flightattendant2 · 19/10/2008 19:35

Eww. Not nice to cash it in, that's kind of not in the spirit of the whole thing.

I'd say enough's enough. The point is you get someone something they'll like, and they keep it to remember you by. Not cash it in to buy something to stick up her nose.

Sorry - I'm with you on this one. I wouldn't get her anything.

bandgeek · 19/10/2008 19:36

YANBU, I would be reluctant to give money knowing it's going to be spent on drugs too

Flightattendant2 · 19/10/2008 19:36

Can you just ditch the whole system now? Perhaps it's time to move on.

Just buy something small for each friend when it's their birthday - if you want to get her something as well, make it something small she can't sell.

It isn't you ruining it btw - it's her.

compo · 19/10/2008 19:37

yanbu
is she really a good friend?
she doesn't sound all that nice tbh

compo · 19/10/2008 19:37

agree with flight, maybe you've all moved on from each other. do you have kids and she doesn't?

nickytwoooohtimes · 19/10/2008 19:38

YAdefNBU.
SOunds like a lovely 'friend' cashing in her presents!

Sparkletastic · 19/10/2008 19:38

Has she no manners?! YANBU - give her a card and tell her you won't expect anything from her on your birthday as you'll both be happier pleasing yourselves.

mazzystartled · 19/10/2008 19:38

tacky

let her spend her own money on drugs

give her a gift, and i think in future i'd make it belated

Flightattendant2 · 19/10/2008 19:40

I know a lot of people like taking stuff. But personally I just think drugs are sad.

The whole point of a present is that you think it's nice and they think it's nice and it forges a link between you.

If you buy her drugs it isn't going to do that.

MingMingtheWonderPet · 19/10/2008 19:40

YANBU
I would not ant a friend of mine spending my money to buy cocaine - yuck.
Does seem as if you have all moved on with your lives in different directions and while this does not mean that you can't be friends, it does mean that you will not agree on everything.

compo · 19/10/2008 19:41

call her bluff and say you're using the money to all go out for a meal together
she can't take that back for a refund

Liffey · 19/10/2008 19:43

I would tactfully ignore her request and buy her a small gift. Asking for money for money for drugs would shock me to be honest! Tis bad for her, a waste of her friends' money and Colombianos sufren muchisimo... et cetera.... I know nobody every thnks they play a part in that.

Flightattendant2 · 19/10/2008 19:43

I used to know quite a few people who thought it was normal and interesting to take charlie. They were people with good jobs, with their own homes, children upstairs in bed. I was offered it but never took it, just didn't see the point.

But they would have thought I was a right boring sod if I'd made a big deal out of it. it was quite lucky they were too off their heads to notice I didn't join in

I wish people didn't do it.

combustiblelemon · 19/10/2008 19:45

Could you deliberately misunderstand and buy her champagne?

jujumaman · 19/10/2008 19:47

yanbu at all

Drugs or whatever, giving someone money to buy their own present is tacky

As others suggest buy her something of your own choice and lose the receipt.

Liffey · 19/10/2008 19:47

tHAT'S a good idea!

I love champagne and would love to share a bottle with friends. Why is that not enough?? Maybe I'm a smalltowngirl.

pofaced · 19/10/2008 19:50

YANBU... maybe you have all moved on and should change the way you exchange gifts from now on. I think there's a really good book on how Cocaine trade affects very poor people at the bottom of the heap in Colombia... I can't remember the title but perhaps a little pofaced to give it to her...

Original poster
NorkyButNice · 19/10/2008 19:50

She is a good friend (whilst I wouldn't choose to do the things she does).

The big present idea came about 6 years ago when we all decided it was easier than having to think of cheap present ideas.

I'm certainly not contributing to a drugs fund, so will need to come up with something else.

OP posts:
wingandprayer · 19/10/2008 19:51

I would have no objection to her enjoying her birthday in whatever way she wants to but think that YANBU in feeling giving her drugs is not an appropriate present. She should be buying her own drugs and enjoying a separate present from you all. If all she really, really wants for her birthday from a bunch of old friends when given a limitless choice is cocaine then I think that says something very, very sad about her. Taking gifts back to get the cash to buy drugs is the measure of a rather desperate and possibly addicted woman.

ThingOne · 19/10/2008 19:53

YANBU. I wouldn't give someone birthday money to spend on cocaine.

misshardbroom · 19/10/2008 19:54

YANBU.

Some people have no class. The drug-taking is her call, but the explicit cashing in of presents to buy coke is just tasteless (and a little bit desperate).

You're not the only one of your friends who thinks this, so you should all stand your ground and say no.

['especially in the current economic climate...', she tuts, stomping off to make the packed lunches]