To not want to contribute to my friend's 30th birthday present?

[NorkyButNice]

Quick version of back-story here - my close group of 5 uni friends club together at each birthday to buy a reasonable sized present, and at "special" years (eg 30th) we all put a bit extra in the pot. The recipient gets the chance to say what kind of present they'd like - usually it's a handbag, or make-up, or a gadget...if they have no idea then we come up with something ourselves.

This year, my very good friend has asked if we'll just give her money, so that she can "make her birthday go with a bang" - which means she'll be calling her drug dealer mate for some cocaine to take on the night.

Now, personally I'm not a drug user, but a couple of my friends are, and I'd never choose to tell them how to spend their time or money (they are all child-free btw). BUT I do have big objections to MY money being spent on illegal substances.

I raised my concerns, and was informed by others in the group that she's asked her that if we give her a proper present, we also give the receipt so she can cash it in - she did this last year apparently.

THe group is split 50:50 as to whether we should follow the usual rule, that the birthday girl gets what she wants. I am being looked on as a party-pooper! SO AIBU?

Mooog - I think it would be tacky, yes, especially if she wanted to return a gift in order to do so. Tacky and offensive and cheap.

Fwiw I don't think everyone who takes cocaine is 'scum', as you put it. Neither do I think it's always Ok for people to get pissed. I don't really like doing either.

I have to agree that to me the line here is between legal and illegal activity.

Handbag
Perfume
Champagne

are all legal.

If your friend said she wanted to take the money to visit a prostitute (also illegal, though many think it should not be) it would also be a definite NO for me.

If she wants to do illegal things that is entirely her choice, but I would not want to be responsible for funding it.

The drug trade is responsible for poverty and violence around the world and I would not want to actively encourage that destruction with my own money.

If she is indeed a friend, I would buy her a nice token gift (without receipt) and let the friends who want to buy the coke for her be the ones to do it. If you are against it why should you put up your money. Drugs are not just a matter of taste like a handbag, it is a moral issue which you are perfectly at liberty to object to.

Thanks for all the opinions - SittingBull, I did say that I wasn't going to do it, but was checking to see if I really am being a spoilsport, as half the group seem to think I am.

She'd call herself a "social drug-taker" - so it doesn't affect her worklife, and she doesn't have any money issues resulting from it (She always seems to have plenty of cash anyway). She would just really rather have a "good night out" as her birthday present from us. Which is rather sad I think.

Anyway, I'll be getting her a token present, and may just get it engraved/personalised so she can't cash it in.

And I have to say that I don't think all drug-takers are automatically bad people. I think her choices are bad, but she has always been a good friend.

Asking for money as a present from friends is just wrong. However if you have agreed as a group to give her money what she then spends it on is up to her. However it is totally understandable that you don't want your money being spent on drugs. So YABU and YANBU! Not much help am I. I like the bottle of champagne idea.

if she has plenty of cash, then your friend really needs to take a look at just how ungrateful she sounds asking for cash or saying she will take back whatever present you buy her. totally selfish and self-centred, what about the thought that goes into buying a present and what it represents in terms of friendship? you're not being a spoilsport.

Get her something she can't take back.

Or buy something on card, so she can't get cash back. Some places are funny about refunding only to the card used for payment.

That is, if you want to get her a gift without dealing with the issue.

YANBU. If she wants to buy drugs, she should just do so with her own money, a gift is a gift. If she doesn't need anything, they she should say so and save you the cash.

Fair enough to all pitch in and make her night a good night if that's what you choose to do, but to ask for the receipt so she can cash in a chosen gift is taking the piss!

We have a similar sort of thing with old university friends, putting money together for a nice present but there is no hard and fast rule about it, no-one would dream of saying anything if someone wasn't/couldn't/wouldn't contribute, but then, I can't imagine anyone having a 'whip-round' for birthday drugs.

Can't your friend just buy her own and be gracious about receiving a gift from friends? Very odd.

Give her a card. It is the thought that counts. And you want her best, which is not cocaine.

Why don't you get your dc to make her a present? Then she def can't exchange it

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I also think that some people on here are being unreasonable by calling her a crap friend because of her choices. While I'm not and never was into that kind of thing, I wouldn't want to judge her for her choices. I've got one friend who sleeps with married men. I can't bear it, and avoid talking to her about it, but she's still a good friend.

I agree, a bottle of champagne and a nice card sounds like a great idea.

Sometimes it's hard to be a friend, isn't it?

YANBU at all