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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to contribute to my friend's 30th birthday present?

63 replies

NorkyButNice · 19/10/2008 19:32

Quick version of back-story here - my close group of 5 uni friends club together at each birthday to buy a reasonable sized present, and at "special" years (eg 30th) we all put a bit extra in the pot. The recipient gets the chance to say what kind of present they'd like - usually it's a handbag, or make-up, or a gadget...if they have no idea then we come up with something ourselves.

This year, my very good friend has asked if we'll just give her money, so that she can "make her birthday go with a bang" - which means she'll be calling her drug dealer mate for some cocaine to take on the night.

Now, personally I'm not a drug user, but a couple of my friends are, and I'd never choose to tell them how to spend their time or money (they are all child-free btw). BUT I do have big objections to MY money being spent on illegal substances.

I raised my concerns, and was informed by others in the group that she's asked her that if we give her a proper present, we also give the receipt so she can cash it in - she did this last year apparently.

THe group is split 50:50 as to whether we should follow the usual rule, that the birthday girl gets what she wants. I am being looked on as a party-pooper! SO AIBU?

OP posts:
Dottoressa · 19/10/2008 19:55

I am obviously naive, but I am shocked by your story. Just say no!!!

imnotmamagbutshelovesme · 19/10/2008 19:56

YANBU

I would not give my money to be then used for drugs.

cantpickyourfamily · 19/10/2008 20:00

she must be taking way too much of it if she cashes in her presents to buy more, not only would I not put money towards it I probably wouldn't want to be her friend as she sounds horrible.

jammi · 19/10/2008 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 19/10/2008 20:07

Difficult one and I first thought YANBU. To me it seems strange for someone to ask for money as a present from their friends

But... whether or not you disapprove of drug-taking, it's not really up to you what she spends her money on - that's her call. If she asked for money to buy, say, a handbag which you hated, would you refuse on the grounds of taste? I hate tattoos, for example, but if a friend wanted money for one as a present from me I'd feel churlish refusing because of my views.

Sounds to me that you just disapprove of her taking coke - separate issue.

beanieb · 19/10/2008 20:07

HArd one. Is your attitude to drugs colouring your frieindship with the friend in question? Has she always taken drugs recreationally and have you never been able to talk to her about the way you feel about it?

TBH even though I have some issues around certain drug use I think in this case I would just give the money and say to hell with it. Or you could just buy her a present of your own, but if she asks why - are you able to tell her?

biscuitchucker · 19/10/2008 20:17

Tricky - I would have reservations giving her the money... why not give something like a day at a health spa that would be difficult to cash in?

captainofthemummies · 19/10/2008 20:18

She is 30? Why are you buying her a big birthday present? Surely she has everything by now? These days everyone is cutting back so a small token gift to mark 30 is more acceptable, not a big gift/money/coke.

Don;t you have your own family to spend you hard-earned on?
Go out for a drink and spend time on her, not money. that's what friends are for.

onepieceoflollipop · 19/10/2008 20:21

I personally would suggest changing the whole present buying scenario/tradition. After all, if you don't buy her a big present then she won't buy you one and she can use the money she saves on your present in whichever way she pleases.

If you don't want a confrontation, just plead it is to do with the credit crunch. Get her a nice card and token present (thoughtfully chosen, £5-£10 perhaps) and make it clear that you will be more than happy with the same.

PuppyMonkey · 19/10/2008 20:22

Get her a £10 gift voucher from Next and ditch the silly system. Time to grow up now - or will you still be buying gifts for each other when you're 40 and 50 and 60?

onepieceoflollipop · 19/10/2008 20:22

captainotm when you wrote "coke" I read it as "cake"! Sounds like we had similar thoughts anyway.

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 19/10/2008 20:25

YANBU - at all. A post above says you shouldn't have a say in how she spends her money - quite right. But this is YOUR money. Tacky in the extreme to ask for cash or the receipt, tackier still to spend your hard earned cash on her drugs habit.

Keep on refusing and if it means an end to the system, well you're all old enough now to cope without presents. I had this system with some uni friends AND another group of friends and we all called it a day once we'd hit 30. We just go out instead and all pay for ourselves.

LaVie · 19/10/2008 20:30

But once you've given the money to her it's her money to spend as she pleases. She's a grown up and is allowed to spend on what she likes, whether you approve or not.

YABU.

But I get the impression it's more about your attitude to drugs and her drug taking. Fair enough, I wouldn't be happy either but you can't dictate how someone else chooses to enjoy themselves.

If you're that bothered say so, you're all grown ups.

captainofthemummies · 19/10/2008 20:33

Lollipop - cake? Now that I wouldn't have a prob with.

NOrky - buy her a cake, a la SATC.

As a family we stopped buying each other presents when we grew up, we just buy for the dc now. I do not need a thing that I can't buy for myself and I imagine your mate is the same. Hence she is smoking it/sniffing it/injecting it? She doesn't need it. Buy her a cupcake.

onepieceoflollipop · 19/10/2008 20:37

Or even make her a lemon drizzle cake, very Mumsnetterish.

Original poster
NorkyButNice · 19/10/2008 20:38

I'd never considered that we're too old to exhange presents full stop! I will broach the subject with the group

Seriously though - it's quite true that I don't approve of drug-taking, but like I said, it's her life and it's not my place to tell her off for what she chooses to do.

To be honest, I'd have issues with her asking for money full stop, even if she hadn't told us she was spending it on drugs.

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 19/10/2008 20:45

I do a very similar thing with 3 old school friends. I know for certain that if any of us had asked more money to spend on drugs we would not have got a 30th bday pressie!

Handbag
Spa vouchers
Watch
Necklace

were our choices.

expatinscotland · 19/10/2008 20:45

YANBU.

That's tacky to ask for money for gifts and even worse to tell people you want a receipt if they buy you something so you can cash it in to be coke!

WTF?! Can't imagine a friend who thinks that's cool.

I'd give her a nice bottle of bubbly or wine and NO receipt.

Take it or leave it.

Drugs are sad, especially when you're 30.

Tinkywinks · 19/10/2008 20:46

I thought the champagne was a good idea and a bit of a compromise. Not exactly what she wanted but goes well with coke!
Or you could just pretend you misunderstood and buy her a bottle of coca cola...

sparkybabe · 19/10/2008 20:50

But I suppose you need to do the same for all your friends until they all turn 30? Otherwise some of you will be shortchanged???

Lauriefairycake · 19/10/2008 21:16

I would be totally with giving her the money so she can spend it on what she likes apart from the fact she has said she's going to blow it up her nose.

If she blew too much up her nose and od'd or became ill because of the drugs I think given that she had said she was going to spend your money I would feel pretty shit.

It is tacit encouragement, which I wouldn't be happy with if she became ill. Fine if she spent her own money or sold something you bought her to buy drugs but I would want to be one step removed from just handing over cash which I know is for drugs.

Flightattendant2 · 19/10/2008 21:24

It says a lot that she ahs cashed in a thoughtful present to buy drugs

Very rude if nothing else

I would be starting to think the charlie mattered more to her than her friends' feelings.

That;s worrying in itself.

MadamDeathstare · 20/10/2008 02:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mooog · 20/10/2008 03:17

Would you think it tacky or wrong if she wanted the money to go out and get pissed.
It has always confused me as to why people think its fine to get pissed.... but you are scum if you get your buzz another way! Why is this?

lilysmummy2007 · 20/10/2008 04:45

you and the other person who does agree with you get her something yourselves and let the others do what they want. also get something she cant sell!