To have no sympathy for DP cos he's fat?

[LetterBomb]

I am sick to death of DP whinging on about his weight. He's 6.2" and when I first met him he weighed 17stone. He used to go on about his weight then:

"Oh I'm so fat" "I'm such a fat bastard" "don't know how I managed to get someone like you, as I'm so fat and ugly" etc and I would always reply with the standard:

"You're not fat" "don't be stupid" "you are who you are" etc etc...

Then he decided to try and lose weight... however he never tried at all, just kept saying he would 'at some point' try to lose weight.

But as his weight crept up, I kept on supporting him, showed him healthy recipes, tried to put him off buying crap but he would never listen and always make stupid excuses. Now he's 19 stone and still eats like a pig (when we go to subway for instance he gets a foot long sandwich with extra cheese and extra bacon, an XL coke, a packet of crisps and a cookie....McDonalds will be an XL king size meal, usually with a standard burger as a starter).

Last week we bought one of those big bars of dairy milk each, idea was that we'd sit and watch a movie with them that night. So we got home, I told him that I was about to put tea on (this was a hint NOT to eat anything but IMO I shouldn't need to say this, its bloody common sense not to pig out half an hour before tea is served). I went in the kitchen, put some spag bol on (wholemeal pasta, low fat bolognese...trying to help him) and when I went back in the living room he'd litrally eaten HALF of the big bar of dairy milk. He didn't see anything wrong with it.

This morning he tried to put some jeans on and they wouldn't fasten and so he stood there saying "Oh, I'm such a fat bastard..." and I turned around and said "well, you know WHY you're putting weight on, it's not rocket science is it?" so he got all moody and said "oh so you DO think I'm putting weight on? thanks!" and so I lost it and told him he eats like a pig and yes he is fat and greedy.

Sympathy has COMPLETELY ran out.
AIBU?

I don't think the op is bothered that he is overweight though expat, I think it her her DP who is bothered about hsi own size and she is fed up of his whinging about it when he refuses to change it.

As I said I have the same with my DH. He was overweight when I met and has piled on tonnes more. I still fancy him jsut as much, it wasn't his weight I fell in love with, he still has the same amazingly blue eyes and sexy smile and will do no matter how big he gets.

I do get very annoyed with him when he constanly moans about his weight and how he woud be much happier if he was slimmer and would ne able to do this that and the other. My annoyance does occasionally drive me to say "Stop frickin eating then. Is there any need to have a whole packet of biscuits with one cup of tea? Of course you are going to get fatter its common sense. Eejit!!!"

I will support him as much I can but I cannot change his eating habits only he can do that. The op's DP needs to realise that his weight issue can only be helped if he helps himself and if a few home truths (even if hurtfull) help him on his way to doing so then great.

expat - you must be ready to lose a significant amount of weight very quickly sometime soon how are you getting on?

Weight builders eat inordinate amounts of carbs and protien to give energy and muscle gain. A whole meal pasta bolognaise is a great meal for slimmers. Carbs with protien are v filling. And carbs alone aren't that fattening.

oh, one for each?! i misread that. sorry! god, that would make me sick, eating the whole thing.

yes, i am getting quite miserable now with bump. he shows NO sign of wanting to clear out, either. he is very high and breech, so have scan on monday to check his position, placenta, cord, etc.

it is very hard for me to do the things i find normal - even putting on my wellies to go and peg out the wash today - and so that is frustrating.

i can see where it would be for someone who needs to lose some weight.

FWIW, i am an ex-smoker, but i still crave fags.

exasperatedmummy, what a nasty, mean-minded post. Did you bother reading the entire thread or was jumping in and judging more fun for you?

OP, I really feel for you. DH has serious eating issues, although he lost 4 stone on lighterlife he is putting it back on again because he can't do portion control or know when to stop. I don't buy chocolate, cakes, crisps etc but he goes and buys them for himself. He always goes large when we go out, wants the platter starters (and gets grumpy if I say no I don't want to share - I was a size 10 til I met him and that's effectively how I ended up an 18/20 - and I am NEVER going back!) for breakfast he will fill his cereal bowl to the top and put about 3 spoons of sugar on it, then wallop down 4 slices of toast with marmalade and then complain his tum hurts. He never liked me to say he looked overweight either, and he was in a 40 inch waist before he went on the diet. It was a turn-off, tbh, although I couldn't say much about that as I was huge too!

He's read Paul McKenna, Gillian Riley ("Eating Less" - a great book) and gone through the LL programme with our (very good) counsellor, but until he's ready to REALLY hear the messages given, he won't change. Just like his smoking - Expat is quite correct, it's an addiction like nicotine and just as harmful to health. I think he's got an addictive personality, basically

I can completely empathise with your frustration. He's acting like a spoilt baby, expecting you to enable him in his eating and normalise it for him. When you refuse, he throws a tantrum. As you said, you're not his mum, you should not have to put up with that nonsense.

One thing we did on LL was states of mind - the adult (where you eat only what you need to fulfil your hunger and make conscious choices of foods that are good for you), the obedient child (where you clear your plate because you want the approval of others/don't want to offend) and the rebellious child - where you think 'wtf, how dare they tell me what to do, I'm gonna eat what I want! I've been good, now I deserve a treat' - it sounds to me like your DP is stuck in the rebellious child phase, expecting you to take responsibilty for him but kicking against any restrictions you place on him.

Unfortunately only he can recognise this and it sounds like he's very stuck in his ways. If he wouldn't explode at you again, perhaps it might be a good idea to suggest counselling over his eating/self esteem issues? Perhaps put it like ...I know you don't like being this heavy (avoid the F word!) and I hate to see you unhappy. I'm worried about your health too. Why don't we see if there's something the GP can suggest to help, like maybe seeing someone, getting your thyroid tested etc.? and take it from there? He'll no doubt explode again, but at least you've put it out there and then the ball's in his court.

Good luck

Would he consider WeightWatchers or something like that which is supportive but separate from home? Something to be part of.

It's the 'starting off' that's the hardest part of losing weight imho. Facing it once and for all and getting started. It seems an easy step but it can seem insurmountable at the beginning. An organisation would support that early part and beyond.

Also help him find something he could do as exercise but which can be done within his day and he enjoys.

If it's hard to get to a gym or find time/money to go he won't keep up with it. But a bike ride to work for eg or a run/brisk walk after work with the dc might be possible.

he has to really want to change for hte OP to support him.

it has to come from within.

just whinging or acknowledging there's a problem is one thing, owning it is another.

expat, if my dh had a drink problem I would not be sitting down with my glass of port in front of himat the end of the day; I would try to keep alcohol out of the house and either give up my own right to drink (though I can handle it) or at least do it somewhere he didn't see.

If he were a drinker, bringing home a bottle and saying 'let's share this after dinner' would hardly be the action of someone who loved him.

Same if he were a smoker who needed to give up, say because he got asthma (as my dh did). What would you think of a wife who under those circumstances, when she knew his health was under threat, brought home a packet of cigarettes and said 'do have some of these after dinner' because she had a right as she didn't have the problem?

The dh sounds as if he has an addiction, and probably some mental health issues. I fully understand the OP's anger at her dh and he does sound very trying, but her actions are so odd under the circumstances that I find myself questioning her motives. Do you actually want him to succeed in losing weight and gaining new self-esteem LB? Or would that make you feel uncomfortable on some level? Are you perhaps so set in your view that he is a loser that it's hard to imagine anything else?

I do understand the frustrations of living with an addict. I understand that you can't physically drag him out of McDonald's. But it's the enormous bars of milk chocolate that sound suspicious, because the implication is that you brought those into the house, rather than failing to stop him bringing them in.

yes, but cory, he knew he had a problem when she married him.

i married a smoker. i was a smoker, too, at the time.

i quit. he hasn't.

there is rolling baccy and papers and fag filters at all times in the house.

i don't expect him to quit just because i have, because he's not in a place right now to do that. i don't know if he'll ever be.

MY addiction is mine. i have to deal with it.

temptation to smoke is everywhere. i can go and get fags anytime.

i have to really not want to to do that.

but i can't expect others not to live how they see fit because of my problems.

they can even offer me fags.

i can take them or say no. the choice is mine.

Much more fun thankyou. As someone who suffers with low self esteem i can totally understand the OPs DH not being motivated to lose weight. The OP was pretty scathing of her DH actually - this did not come across as the post of someone who is saying, Im at the end of my tether trying to help my DH with his weight loss. It was quite cruel in my opinion. It sounds like the man needs to lose weight for health, but she is busy making him feel like shit so its a bit of a cycle - as i said, if this were a post by a woman saying all the things she has done to her DH, despite her "best intentions" The overall theme of the thread would be "leave him, he's a cunt"

I just feel sorry for him, sorry if that lets down the sisterhood.

The op has tried pretty damn hard already. Her dh has made no attempt to help himself over the years.

Ok, she's overdone it with the size of the chocolate bar. And the quality of the chocolate . Yes, she shouldn't have insulted him, of course not. But to have this going on for years is very tiresome.

Some of you sound like saints and martyrs. Most of us are not.

Lovecat are you me? lol I was an 6/8 when I met DH far too slim for me as I am 5ft8 but I soon piled on the weight, at my biggest I was a 20. I'm now a 16 and shrinking after refusing to give into "have a pizza I can't order one on my own."
"I don't want pizza but if you are hungry and want one you get one"
"But they are bogof so you have to have one"
"I have told you I'm not hungry"
"Fine then I'll just starve"
"Fine starve then I'm sure going without crap for one night won't hurt you"

He is still struggling and getting bigger but unless he is willing to help himself I can't do anything about that. i will cook healthy dinners and that is the most I can do.

I said there is no need to give up an addiction for your partner.

But is there really a need to offer things specifically to someone with an addiction? That seems to me to be a totally different thing, actively encouraging the addiction.
Doesn't that suggest that you actually want them to carry on being addicted?

(and if I had a smoker for a partner and had to give up for health reasons, I wouldn't expect him to give up, but it would be a mark of caring attention not to leave the stuff lying around? there is no need, really, is there?)

Not necessarily. It maybe means a person is tired of trying to help and support someone year after year, knowing full well they will stuff their face anyway.

'(and if I had a smoker for a partner and had to give up for health reasons, I wouldn't expect him to give up, but it would be a mark of caring attention not to leave the stuff lying around? there is no need, really, is there?) '

it doesn't really make a difference to someone who truly wants to move on from the addiction, though.

i don't feel my husband is not caring for having fag paraphrenalia about.

i don't EVER want to be a smoker again, and can be around people puffing away but i don't want to go there anymore.

a person has to be very, very determined to lose weight, stop drinking, smoking, etc.

because there will always be temptation around.

i think she's being a bit unreasonable, because she knew he had weight issues to begin with and if it were that big a deal then why carry on dating someone, but i can see where she is coming from if he is whinging about it all the time but doing nothing to help himself - chocolates adn all.

SheSells - I think they might be related, I can have that conversation any night of the week! They take your not eating as a kind of implied insult to their gluttony, don't they?

Does yours come in from work and make himself a plateful of sandwiches whilst dinner's cooking because 'I'm hungry NOW'? Drives me insane....

I wonder how many women say the same things to their partners 'oh I'm so fat' and time after time their partners say 'no you aren't'. Then when their partners finally snap and say 'OK, you are fat!' they get upset. I know I've done it in the past. OPs partner wanted reassurance. But in the end if he is overweight it's his responsibilty to stop being overweight, not hers. She can support him but she can't do it for him.

I think yanbu. If he is damagingly fat he should do something about it and not rely on you. Perhaps calling him on it might help. It sounds as if you have tried to help before but got nowhere. He needs to find a method that works for him.

No he has a cuppa with half a packet of biscuits and then says he is always hungry on a night because his stumache is too small to fit in a whole meal so he has to eat little and often If there are crisps in the house he will eat those after his cuppa before his tea.

BTW with fags my DH finally managed to give up after years of abortive attempts, when he decided he wanted to. Endless health campaigns, endless nagging from me (and his family), endless chest infections, did nothing to help. In the end he did it himself because he made that decision. Been nearly a yr now. He's a bloody star and I am so proud of him!

If we hadn't of bought the chocolate, he would have ordered a take-away a couple of hours after tea. This would include:

"Special" tikka masala with pilau rice. A portion of chips. 2 onion bahjis, and a tikka naan bread. He does this most nights.

One time we went out and he wanted a burger king. So he bought 3 bacon double cheese burgers with XL fries and XL coke. Then we got home and he had spag bol. An hour after that he said he was 'starving'... I knew he was hinting at a take-away so I ignored the whinging. In the end he went and made himself a sandwich...then started saying he was still hungry...so he went and got 2 packets of wheat crunchie crisps which were actually for the kid's packed lunch. Half an hour later "oh sod it, I'm going to order a take-away, what do you want?"

me - Nothing, I'm still full from my tea
him - oh, so I suppose I'm a fat pig now am I?
me - I just don't want anything.

So he orders a huge take-away for himself and then orders me a portion of chips and onion rings

Now see, if after the spag bol I'd just suggested we got a take-away like he was obviously waiting for...he wouldn't have eaten the sandwich or the crisps so I really can't win.

And yes I may eat crap NOW AND AGAIN but I don't do it all day! I'll have a proper breakfast, a proper lunch, a proper tea and then yes, maybe a chocolate bar on the night...why shouldn't I?

He on the other hand will eat a massive breakfast (usually a fat dripping bacon sandwich), chocolate bars/crisps throughout the morning....something like an XL fish and chips for lunch (notice it just HAS to be XL), more chocolate/crisps/buns during the afternoon, a big dinner and THEN crap on the night too.

Oh and I exercise so burn off most of what I eat, something he refuses to do.

hm...I think I would hate my dh to say somehting along the lines that you did....however, sometimes a good kick up the backside can do the world of good...

how about really supporting your OH by doing this with him?
How would he feel about joining a group, like, slimmingowrld...you cna eat so much wiht that...and I think it will suit men especially , because of the amount you can eat....but he will need your support, because it makes it so muhc more difficult if the other half just eats whatever...or don't support the plan when they cook, prepare meals, etc...

however, I can also understand why you got so fed up with him...no good someone just moaning about themselfs without taking any action, or any notice..

hmm. I do think the poor guy needs help, but must admit that what you describe in your last post would drive me up the wall. What will give him that much-needed kick up the backside?

Have -you- he tried going to your GP?

Dh was 28 stone at his heaviest. (He ate quite a bit less than the OP's dp & is also 6'3).

I eventually dragged him to the doctor because he was utterly miserable. She prescribed appetite suppressants & 3 years later he's lost 9 stone. It became a virtuous circle - having lost a bit of weight, he's taken up exercise, given up booze...

Possibly TMI - the drugs dh was initially on, if he'd mixed them with curry & chips...well, he'd only have done it once, put it that way!

I dont think YANBU at all. You are not his mum fgs. Frankly i think you have done loads to help him but all he wants to do is whinge.

You cook healthy meals, have fruit in the house, keep yourself active and invite him along. If he doesnt want to help himself, then he will never lose the weight.

Id be at the end of my tether too, if my OH whinged on and on but didnt help himself!

Oh and i speak as a reformed whinger who finally stopped whinging and lost 3 and a half stone with just one more to go

Get him off his lazy arse!!