To have no sympathy for DP cos he's fat?

[LetterBomb]

I am sick to death of DP whinging on about his weight. He's 6.2" and when I first met him he weighed 17stone. He used to go on about his weight then:

"Oh I'm so fat" "I'm such a fat bastard" "don't know how I managed to get someone like you, as I'm so fat and ugly" etc and I would always reply with the standard:

"You're not fat" "don't be stupid" "you are who you are" etc etc...

Then he decided to try and lose weight... however he never tried at all, just kept saying he would 'at some point' try to lose weight.

But as his weight crept up, I kept on supporting him, showed him healthy recipes, tried to put him off buying crap but he would never listen and always make stupid excuses. Now he's 19 stone and still eats like a pig (when we go to subway for instance he gets a foot long sandwich with extra cheese and extra bacon, an XL coke, a packet of crisps and a cookie....McDonalds will be an XL king size meal, usually with a standard burger as a starter).

Last week we bought one of those big bars of dairy milk each, idea was that we'd sit and watch a movie with them that night. So we got home, I told him that I was about to put tea on (this was a hint NOT to eat anything but IMO I shouldn't need to say this, its bloody common sense not to pig out half an hour before tea is served). I went in the kitchen, put some spag bol on (wholemeal pasta, low fat bolognese...trying to help him) and when I went back in the living room he'd litrally eaten HALF of the big bar of dairy milk. He didn't see anything wrong with it.

This morning he tried to put some jeans on and they wouldn't fasten and so he stood there saying "Oh, I'm such a fat bastard..." and I turned around and said "well, you know WHY you're putting weight on, it's not rocket science is it?" so he got all moody and said "oh so you DO think I'm putting weight on? thanks!" and so I lost it and told him he eats like a pig and yes he is fat and greedy.

Sympathy has COMPLETELY ran out.
AIBU?

you don't sound very loving tbh.

if you were unhappy with your size would you like your dh to help? to say 'look if this is making you unhappy, shall we see what we can do about it?'

i would.

dh was feeling unhappy that he had put some weight on, and i always need to lose a bit of weight so we started doing slimming world together.
it's not like being on a diet. it's more just healthy eating . he has lost a stone and is feeling much happier, he feels loved and supported, i feel loving and loved and i am losing weight too. we both feel better because we are not eating loads of crap.

when he says 'let's go and get a burger' do you offer a solution? do you say 'tell you what, why don't we try out that new cafe..' or something?

marriage is a partnership and working as a team is much better.

I can sympathise. I have thsi with DH who if he is not carefull will have to start shopping in specialist shops for his clothes. Of course he isn't getting bigger. I'm shrinking his clothes

He whinges about his weight and about me never having food in if he wants to snack so if he is hungry he has to order take out (you shouldn't be hungry enough to eat a full meal after you have had a decent dinner imo). We do have food in. We don't have frozen foods in.

On the phone about an hour ago he said he was going out so I told him that dd1 had requested cheese stuffed chicken breast and bacon for tea and didn't he want some. He said yes. He then went on to whinge about his weight because I have shrunk his trousers. He ended the call with "shall I ghet money for take out tonight?"

I give up really I do, he is a grown man I can't manage his food intake for him. I will provide healthy home cooked dinners and that is the most that I can do. If he wants to lose weight he will have to put the effort in himself.

no yanbu. He has to want to change enough to do somehting about it. He's putting all the responsibility on to you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It's his weight problem and HE should be doing something about it. We all know that if we regularly eat footlong cheese and bacon sandwiches washed down with Coke then we'll gain weight.

I do think you should be supportive but not to the point of telling him what he should and shouldn't eat. He's an adult and ultimately he's reponsible for what he puts in his mouth. I don't think you should have to sacrifice your trips to Subway/MacDonalds because HE needs to lose weight. I'm dieting but I still go out with friends for meals. I always try to order the healthiest meal on the menu. I don't expect my friends to have fruit for pudding instead of chocolate cake though!

Could you persuade him to join a local slimming group. It's not unusual to find men at Weight Watcher meetings. He seems to find lots of excuses not to exercise but he'd be hard pushed to find an excuse not to go walking. Could you drag him around the shops for a few hours each week or get a dog that would need daily walks?

I just agree with him now dittany. Although I do sometimes point out that all of his clothes are shrinking

When my DH started reading the Paul McKenna book he was quoting the common sense stuff back to me in tones of utter astonishment - it finally made him understand why he has weight problems. I thought it was all too obvious to put into words, but it turned out that he did not know what it meant to be "full" and had to work on figuring that out [hmmm]

Interestingly, MIL's attitude to baby feeding is of the taking pride in the number of oz forced down baby's throat school. DH and his siblings all have weight issues and it has made me resolve to use baby-led-weaning.

The pleasure of finally losing weight for the first time in his life and observing how much better his clothes fit also motivated my DH to join a gym. He looks great now and has lots more energy for long walks etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - you sound at the end of your tether after years of hearing him whinge about his weight while all the time taking no responsibility for controlling his own weight and looking after his own health.

FWIW I think that I, as the person in this family who does the food shopping, have a responsibility to provide healthy meals at home and not to load the cupboards with snacks. But beyond that it is up to individual adults (children is a slightly different matter) to control their intake and to serve themselves from all the food groups.

As for going for fast food when he is town - and just ridiculous.

You might be onto something there upwind. My mil is the same. DD2 has only done well if she eats all of her dinner and DH worrys if she throws some of her dinner on the floor. The worrying started after milk told him she should still be getting her food mashed and she should be being spoon fed it all untill it is finished. She can't be getting enough doing it my way (blw) She is 17 months fgs. Why the hell would I mash her food for her? She eats what we eat but in smaller portions.

She has also told me once that DH is "a growing boy. He needs his meat and veg. You should do him a nice meat and tatty pie or a stew. All this pasta isn't enough for him. That's why he eats so many take aways. You aren't fliing him enough."

OP - you sound more like his mum than his partner.

Eat before you go to town or go to Nando's (chicken and salad) or a pub, don't eat after dinner, save the snacks only for the weekend..

Small steps that he may not notice..

Don't take responsibilty for his eating. He is an adult.

I have food ishooos and I am fat again But I have had a baby in the last year!
However I can see this from your DP's POV - I hated being fat, but the more I hated myself the more I ate - more than anything I hated my H pointing it out to me and pointing out what to do - I knew what to do I just couldnt do it - much the way a smoker knows it is unhealthy but carries on anyway...
The more my H nagged me and criticised my eating habits the more I ate - I wanted him to love me however I looked and whatever I ate, I wanted him to be kind to me and see the real me, the me he fell in love with - not the fat unhappy cow he made me ..
My point is my H making me unhappy had a big part to do with my eating habits When he had an affair and I chucked him out I quickly lost 4 stone...now I am unhappy again I am over eating again!
For naturally slim people it is very hard to understand food issues/overeating much like I don't get smokers or drinkers IYSWIM...
I suspect he is unhappy and I also suspect you are making it worse (sorry)!!
I agree Paul McKennas book is very good but really he has to want to change no one can do it for him and it sounds like you are both making each other miserable

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. You come across to me as someone who is doing their best to help and is totally frustrated and at the end of their tether that he isn't doing anything to help himself.

And it sounds like he's blaming you for his own inability to do anything about it. When he says things like "it's your fault for feeding me xxx" that smacks to me of him being really cross with himself for not doing more.

The only person who can make the change here is him. And there's nothing you can do until he decides to do that.

Maybe you need to detatch yourself and accept that until he is prepared to meet you halfway there is nothing you can do to force the situation. Easier said than done I know.

And I think there's a huge leap from being fed up with this situation to the whole relationship not being right, and from him not taking responsibility for his weight/eating to him not having any redeeming features.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I like it when my DH agrees that I have put on weight as it becomes more real to me and helps me focus a bit more on losing it. Hopefully your partner will be inspired to lose weight now that you have agreed that he is getting hefty, rather than before when you reassured him that he was ok.

yanbu in losing sympathy. but yabu in not helping him. you have to stick to diet to as does everyone in house if your going to help him. as it sounds like he's not the type to manage on his own. he needs your love and support.

Maybe you could find him a friend he could do it with? I know my DH is really competative (like most men) If he had some one else doing it with him he would be much more focused. Too focused iygwim?

You need to support him to lose weight. I stuff myself when Im down and depressed, then I put on weight and that makes me depressed- it's a vicious circle. Maybe he uses food as a crutch? I dont know. I would stop buying unhealthy food etc. as it's bound to tempt him. I cant have one chocolate biscuit, I have to have the whole packet.

i wonder if he'd have gotten as much sympathy on this thread if he'd been a smoker . . .

YABtotallyU.

Poor sod - does he know you think he is "fat". Can you just imagine if you had posted saying your DP thinks you are Fat, oh the outrage.

Why the hell did you buy two fucking chocolate bars that would keep me happy for a month to eat during a film? Thats really encouraging that.

The poor guy sounds like he suffers from terrible low self esteem - something i can relate to. Doesn't sound like you help him much to be honest.

Maybe if you were to be a bit more positive about him instead of putting him down he might actually feel motivated to lose weight.

I think you should leave him - let him find someone who will love him and make him feel OK about himself - obviously you are far to perfect for him.

I can see both sides really. As a big greedy fatty myself i can understand that he may have very low self esteem and need constant reassurance that you still love him (if you do).Also a lot of support, as I know how difficult it is to lose weight without it.
But on the other hand he is not helping himself, he cant really eat like a bacon pig and then moan about his weight and not expect you to get frustrated.
I know how awful it is to be fat, but i also know that it is in my control.He needs to put up or shut up imo.

thats a fair point expat, but would you buy a packet of cigarettes for someone who was trying to give up?

ofgs. It is the op's fault that her DP over eats? He is a grown man. He is not a child. He is more than capable of monitoring his own food intake.

I could see your point if she had posted saying "AIBU badgering my unhappy overweight DH into ordering pizza because I don't want to eat it alone." But that is not what she has said. She has tried to support him and is annoyed that he won't do anything to help himself. IMO he is behaving like a child she is fustrated and with good reason.

LMAO at bacon pig

'thats a fair point expat, but would you buy a packet of cigarettes for someone who was trying to give up? '

no, but i don't see why she should go without because he doesn't want to exercise any self-control, IYKWIM.

i see weight and losing it the same way i see smoking and stopping (or any type of substance abuse): a person has to really want to do and be totally determined before it will happen.

otherwise, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

the OP's spouse was already fat when she met and married him, though, he just gained even more weight.

for that reason, i think she's being a tad unreasonable, because it should come as no surprise that he continues to have weight problems.

but she bought chocolate "each". I am overweight and i would battle with not being able to eat if someone else were eating in front of me, thats not nice - as part of supporting him, maybe she could have thought of some more healthy treats for during the film. I would imagine it would be the same for a smoker having to be around someone smoking.

She does say that she doesn't need to lose ANY weight, well good for her - she sounds like she eats shit anyway, so she must be one of the lucky ones who can get away with it - but really, she could probably benefit from a more healthy diet actually.

Not sure that wholemeal pasta bolognase is a great meal for someone losing weight, the pasta will be loaded with carbs, which of course are a vital part of the diet but isn't pasta what the body builders use to beef up?