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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

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23 replies

StudentMadwife · 08/10/2008 23:33

lent best friend almost £2000-basically she was in hot water with bills etc and at the time I had the money to lend and I wanted to try and help her.
I agreed to lend the money as long as her dp either left her house or pulled his weight and held a job down, she promised that she would stand up to him.

since lending the money, he left, got job and held it for about 3 months, his (hers) car broke and he lost his job and moved back in with her. before he moved back in i was confident id done the right thing, now Im not so sure, shes back to square one with bills etc and in almost as much mess as when i agreed to help her.

Since hes been back they bought a scorpian(plus sand lights heater etc) a praying mantis and have been out to eat for £50 a time etc etc. he pushes, she gives in.

I told her she could start paying it back when she starts work, she hasnt found anything yet(limited, in a village, doeasnt drive, not gr8 quals etc)

Now she is telling me they are going to try and by a wii with everything with it(bout £500) for their son(5) for xmas...Im reeling tbh, AIBU to think thats taking the p*ss a bit?

Ps im not rolling in money either and my sons budgets this xmas 3+5yrs are approx £100each
any thoughts or advice welcome...

OP posts:

cupsoftea · 08/10/2008 23:35

ask for it back

Original poster

StudentMadwife · 08/10/2008 23:39

bump

OP posts:

ScottishMummy · 08/10/2008 23:39

she has abused your goodwill.taking the piss owes money buying a Wii!tell her to cough up

cheesesarnie · 08/10/2008 23:43

im sure there was identical thread recentlydeja vu(sp?)

if shes that close a friend you should be able to be honest with her.

Original poster

StudentMadwife · 08/10/2008 23:49

Its really hard, on one hand I think i feel really bad for her and the hideous situation shes in with her dp, but on the other hand i think well, you let the lazy t**t back to ruin your life again, get on with it

How do I sort out paying it back? should i buy a little receipt book or something so we both know whats been paid?
Im also a bit peeved as she said she was keeping track of what she was borrowing, after a convo the other day it appears she hasnt been as she thinks she owes me about £1000, I felt like saying and the rest-but wasnt sure myself until i totted up what i could remember.

OP posts:

soultaken · 08/10/2008 23:54

Do you think she actually intends to pay you back? It sounds strange to me that you reckon she owes £2000 and she reckons she only owes £1000, that's worrying.

ShyBaby · 09/10/2008 00:02

She is taking the piss. For years of my life I supported my friend through domestic violence and her last drug addict bf, often buggering up my own relationships as I always put her first, would spend hours every night on the phone to her.

She dumped him one time (about the 9th) (finally) and was so upset because she had no money to pay for debts he had in her name. So four of us helped out. One friend paid for her shed, another two paid for something else, I paid her catalogue. On one condition. She did not accept him back. He had beaten her up so many times and treated her kids like shit.

Guess what? She took him back and never paid us. We had actually paid for her druggie bf.

Then they went and bought new tv etc.

Tinkywinks · 09/10/2008 00:15

You really need to have a talk with her. Whether or not it's down to his influence, SHE borrowed the money off you. Tell her you NEED the money back. Tell her you have bills to pay, xmas to sort out - whatever. Write down all the information - dates/amounts and show her. You shouldn't be worried about offending her - if she's a good enough friend then she won't be. And she doesn't really have the right to be! I'm sorry, but if she thinks it's alright to be spending money (and telling you about it) before prioritising her debt with you then really she is not being a very good friend.

Original poster

StudentMadwife · 09/10/2008 00:36

She gets benefits, ctax benefit, housing bf, CTC and CB.
what do you think is reasonable to ask her to back per wk/month?

Im worried that if we dont have a serious talk about it soon and work out a proper concrete plan to pay back, she'll not get a job (or at least for a gd few yrs) and wont ever.

I hate feeling like this as Ive known her nrly 10yrs and she is always saying how much i mean to her/ what a amazing friend i am/ how she appreciates what ive done for her etc etc but I am starting to become a little resentful when theyre splashing the cash on unesscessary items especially when Im not buyingmyself or my family extravagant items. Ive got my own unpaid bills of about £2000

OP posts:

Original poster

StudentMadwife · 09/10/2008 00:37

shybaby-did you end the friendship? if so how, was it messy, do you regret it?

OP posts:

pamelat · 09/10/2008 13:34

I would ask for the money back, she is taking the mickey.

Can you get her to sign something to show how much she owes you? Maybe draw up a contract for repayments.

takingitasitcomes · 09/10/2008 13:44

You have to talk about it and just be honest that you need the money back. I agree with the people who hve suggested writing down a list of when/how much you have lent her. Take that with you and negotiate a repayment schedule and write that down too (get her to sign it... it's not a legal document but it will help make it more real for her). I think she probably flatters you about how great a friend you are as a way of keeping you sweet about the money.

Seabright · 09/10/2008 14:00

Of course she thinks you're an "amazing friend". You gave her £2,000 and don't blink when she takes back the crap BF and spends your money on luxuries.

You need to get her agree the amount she owes and start to repay. I'd suggest at least £75 per week. I know it sounds high for someone on benefits, but it's what she'd be saving to buy a wii in time for Christmas.

born2twinkle · 09/10/2008 14:39

I don't think there is much likelihood of you getting this money back tbh. especially if she is on benefits which are meant for essential living expenses not repayment of debts. You have to decide whether you want to pursue the debt in which case you will probably want her to sign some sort of agreement and negotiate terms for paying it back. You could take her to court but it will cost you and it is unlikely you would get much back, she may have other debts as well. If it was me I would take this whole episode as a lesson and if she doesn't pay up then i would get rid of her as a friend, who needs friend like that?

OLIVIASMAMA · 09/10/2008 18:15

I once lent my best pal £300, she was sitting at my kitchen table crying because she couldn't even afford to do the supermarket shop, her husbands business was having a tough time and they were up against it.

She asked me not to tell him, which I didn't and I told her she could pay it back to me when things were a little better for them.

Basically a few weeks later she started spending again in the same way that your friend is doing now. I never got the money back, she never addressed the issue and in the long run it ruined our friendship. I often think why end a friendship over £300 but it's not the amount of money that did the damage it was her conduct and total lack of loyalty.

I never felt the same about her again and we just drifted apart.

ShyBaby · 09/10/2008 21:39

SM, I did end the friendship in a way. I didnt't want to but her bf was very jealous of me (trying to alienate her I suppose)and he started threatening me. (she knew he did this and gave the pathetic excuse that she couldn't stop him) I called her up said how sorry I was, that she could still call me whenever she wanted and I would be there for her, but I would no longer be supporting her if she continued with this relationship. I would be a friend, but from a distance as my life was now being affected. I had done nothing to him, never said a bad word about him to her (even though I thought he was a complete prick tbh).

She screamed blue murder down the phone at me and that was that.

We are on speaking terms now is about all, but I dont miss her really. She was draining.

When it gets to the point that some stranger is threatening me and upsetting my children purely because I was a supportive friend to her then its time to back off.

Original poster

StudentMadwife · 09/10/2008 22:46

I gte embarrassed in asking for stuff back, how should I go about it? Im thinking i would send her a letter explaining that i need the money back and why(her spending on luxuries etc) and a approx amount i would like back per wk/month and see what happens-i guess shes either going to agree with it or stopping answering my calls etc...
I honestly dont think i can do it face to face and be as honest as i can in a letter-also a letter she can read over and let it sink in-just a wee worried that her dp will find it first or cause her trouble because of it.

what do you think?

OP posts:

kiddiz · 09/10/2008 23:26

If she is a real friend she will want to pay you back and won't mind you asking and agreeing a reasonable amount she can afford to pay you each week. If she isn't she probably won't pay you back anyway so you've nothing to lose really have you?

Seabright · 10/10/2008 00:00

A letter is a good idea. It means you can have a couple of goes at getting the tone of the wording right and you can make sure you mention everything you feel you need to, which isn't easy face to face. Keep a copy and think about sending it to her by Recorded Delivery.

OneLieIn · 10/10/2008 00:03

I think you need to do a letter and also talk to her. You need to make this sound quite friendly at first, but honestly (and I am sorry to say this) I think your friendship will quickly fade.

I suggest stating this is how much you owe me, i need it returned. i propose you paying it back this way.

I lent my best friend money ages ago, we ended up in a small claims court after cheques bounced etc. I will never ever lend money to anyone again.

Original poster

StudentMadwife · 10/10/2008 00:09

yes ive made a decision now not to lend to anyone. got stung yr ago too when lent dp cousin partner meleda bpump(£100) and never had it returned, i asked probably more than 20 times and it never was returned i gave up as I was getting embarrassed with keep asking, we now dont have much to do with them.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 10/10/2008 06:59

I wouldn't say anything about wanting it back because she's paying out on luxuries. I would keep it friendly but to the point.

You need to pay your bills
You need your money back
What is the minimum she can she give you each month.

kiddiz · 10/10/2008 10:45

Having been in your situation myself I now have a firm rule that I don't lend money to friends unless I can afford not to get it back. There has to be a realistic prospect of them paying it back too.
It is always awkward asking friends to repay a debt. But awkward feelings did not stop her asking for the loan in the first place so should not stop you asking for her to repay it. Try reversing the situation...if you owed her money how would you feel if she was asking you to repay it?
If she is awful with money and budgeting you may have to accept that she will never pay you back. That said you need to let her know that you need the money back and if she is a good friend, as I said before, she would want to repay you before buying expensive luxuries. I know I would in her situation. I agree with the letter but could you hand deliver it to her? Say something like "because I feel really awkward about this I've written it down for you to read when I've gone. But it is really important to me so could you get in touch once you've read this?" That way you know she's read it and not her dp iyswim.

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