To Feel like a crap mother for feeling this way about my dd

[littlegirlblue]

I have a 5 month old dd, who is a happy bonny sweet little thing. I also have a 4 year old dd. Dd1 was an absolutely beautiful baby, and is still rather stunningly gorgeous, (Gets commented on whereever we go) clever, advanced, lovely, all the things a first time mummy would want in a little one. All through my pregnancy with dd2 I worried that I would not love dd2 the same, or feel as overwhelmingly happy/proud about her as I did dd1. And I was right, I feel soooo awful and ashamed to admit it, and I'm fighting it at every step, because obviously I do love her, and she is totally in need of my unconditional love, but I just feel slightly sad about her. She is a little funny looking, (people say...oh look how BIG she is, and NEVER say anything really nice!). I found it hard to bond with her at first, despite a lovely home birth, and even now at 5 months I am really struggling. I feel very upset about it, as I do of course love her, but I feel very mixed up about it, and seeing other gorgeous new borns makes me want to cry with jealously. I feel a bit robbed of those proud feelings that the other mothers have. Have I gone mad?! All that matters is that she is healthy and happy, I know, I know....I keep telling myself. Is it normal to feel so odd about your own baby? (It's not ALL of the time, but certain comments/ other people's babies that trigger it). Just been in tears. How can I put my feelings back in their right place? And how will she cope in life when her mummy and everyone else thinks more highly of her older sister? I hope this doesn't sound shallow, as I really am not a shallow person, but one who is rather sensitive and feels things a bit too deeply.

which bit do you feel too deeply? comments from others?

Is the real problem that she is not as physically beautiful as your DD1?

Because these things can change (hugely).

In the mean time, make the most of your DD2's appearance. She and you deserve it.

Have you spoken to anyone?
These feelings could be indicative of PND.

IMO five months is not long. It can take ages to adjust to a baby, and bond with them. All those hormones are probably still playing with your mind and emotions!

I don't know how, but at some point I am sure that you will feel a deep bond of love for your second DD. They do gain more personality as they approach a year.

Do you spend any alone time with DD2? Massage is a nice way to feel close and doesn't require sessions for months outside the home.

Have you metioned feeling different & awkward about DD2 to your HV or GP? It can be hard to say out loud to people I'm sure, but maybe put it like, you want to feel closer to her, you want to find ways to bond with her better (rather than saying you don't find her as attractive at the moment etc!)

They do physically change quickly at this age too so try to hang in there. It's hard to be a mum...

Poor you! You are still adapting after 4 years just you and DD1 - it's bound to take time.

Plus even if your DD2 is a little "funny looking" at 5mo, the least pretty babies and toddlers can often turn out to be the most stunning children/teens. I have seen it time and again.

Could it also be possible you have a touch of PND do you think?

As for coping later in life when everyone else thinks more highly of her older sister... it's too far ahead for that - who's to say your DD2 won't turn out to be so funny/clever/amusing/charming that DD1 feels left in the shade from time to time?

Ideally they would not compared just because they are sisters. And if they were, I would say "I'm so proud of producing two amazing girls who have such different talents to each other!" It is quite an achievement if they don't turn out to be carbon copies of each other! The most amazing set of sisters I know are very very different to each other, they are unique, quite unusual, bright people who turn heads wherever they go and make a real impression on others. Viva la difference!!

Hoping you feel better soon xx

My dds were the same. DD1 was beautiful, blonde & sweet faced. DD2 came out looking blotchy & weird, and stayed that way until she was about 2 or 3. Now though, she is far prettier than her sister. She obvioulsy just needed to blossom.

I just loved dd2 for her quirkiness. As her personality shone through as she grew, i realised what a funny & adorable wee girl i had! At 5 months, Im sure you will start to notice these things in your DD. Everyday, look for something adorable in your DD2, and think to yourself how amazing she is, and that she came from you

I have the most handsome Dss, everyone says so too, and then I had a funny looking dd. She was a cute but not attractive baby, at two she has ringlets, big brown eyes, long eyelashes and is stunning. Sometimes we over think how we feel, no doubt you were expecting to feel different and it's a self fullfilling prophecy, step back and forgive yourself and just enjoy it.

It can be hard not to compare them when they are the same sex, I had 2 xDS's within 14months of each other DS1 was a gorgeous looking baby from day 1. DS2 was a very funny looking little elf like thing, even close family called him "Dobbie" from Harry Potter films as this is what he looked like.

I told them I did not like this and eventually the funny names (not done maliciously) stopped,I found an immense amount of love to protect him from then onwards. 24 months on he has the hugest dimples, most gorgeous freckles and a personality that melts the hearts of the hardest checkout assistants.

As you mentioned having a happy healthy baby is number one, looks change, personalities grow & your bond will increase with every milestone she reaches I am sure. xx

Just to add, i did used to wrry (secretly) that DD2 would alwyas struggle under the brightness that shone from DD1 - now i have the exact opposite! Id even go as far to say that DD2 far outshines her elder sister, and I have to deal with DD1 feeling inadequate!

Thanks, it is good just to admit it to be honest, because it feels like a horrible burden. It is definitely worse when I feel over -tired/ stressed etc. Yes I find the comparisons people in the family make and comments they have made very hard. (My SIL also had a baby a few weeks after me...and she is gorgeous/ advanced etc) Perhaps it is a bit hormonal. Haven't mentioned to the HV, although she was worried about me at the start as I did get myself in a bit of a state where I couldn't sleep for weeks with anxiety!

It's not just the physical thing, it's the bond that I just don't feel as strongly as with Dd1. I can't really explain it other than I keenly notice the difference in how I felt about dd1 as a new baby, and how proud I felt of her. This time I feel I want to avoid all other babies as it jsut makes me feel bad/ inadequate ...I know that doesn't make any sense.

it makes lots of sense. You are afraid you won't love her as much as her sister so you stop yourself from 'failing'.

The massage is a brilliant idea, while staring deeply into her eyes. Sometimes motherhood has to be entered into while putting fear aside and 'holding' it somewhere else and trusting to love itself.

Thanks Laurie, that's beautiful.

You sound like you need to express some of your discontent to those making comparisons, as that is definitely adding to your stress and it's preventing you from getting past this. Say something to re-frame things the next time someone's comments are unhelpful, so that the hurtful person realises that your younger DD is loved as well. Maybe: "Oh thanks, I think they are both just gorgeous" or "How interesting thank you, and isn't DD2 lovely also" or "I can't wait till DD2 catches up with her big sister" ... just ideas, HTH.

Could you do what Mummyplonk did and politely and in a jolly way ask them to stop any comments/comparisons you feel are inappropriate? Perhaps they don't realise how insensitive they are being - although why they can't just say "Isn't she absolutely beautiful!" to you (because a happy, healthy, well-fed, well-cared for baby IS a beautiful sight, I really don't know.

Or just say "Yes, we love the fact DD2 is so different from DD1 at this stage, its so exciting!" Revel in her difference instead of falling in with negative comparisons and others are bound to follow suit after a while.

For you, admitting to yourself that your bond doesn't feel as strong (at the moment at least) is a positive step because you are acknowledging how you feel. You are on the path to genuine acceptance.

I felt EXACTLY the same way as you about my second dd. Turns out, as I'd suspected, I was suffering from PND again.

Now dd2 is 17 months old and people still either comment on dd1 and her 'beautiful hair', and don't mention dd2 at all, or they say that dd1 is gorgeous, and dd2 is 'very smiley'.

It doesn't bother me anymore, they are finally both beautiful in my eyes, and I realise how lucky I am to have them. Even if dd2 is not conventionally good looking-and a little fat lol!!

Little girl blue I could have written your post myself! I found going from 1 dd to 2 incredibly hard, trying to work out how to 'split' the love between them and that whilst dd2 was very pretty, she had an enormous strawberry mark on her neck that everyone commented on. You will always feel a certain way about your first born, but as dd2 develops her own personality and you get to know her better (5 months is not long at all) it will all change. Honestly! I now have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and a new one on the way and can honestly say I adore both of them equally, differently, completely. But it did take a long time to get to this point!

I get the feeling this is more than her appearance. I think you might have post-natal depression. It's really not 'normal' to cry because your baby is unattractive, which is not a criticism of you at all, but to me it sounds like a sign that a trip to your GP might be in order. I also think it sounds as if you may have even been depressed during your pregnancy. You might want to take fish oils, st john's wort and get more exercise and sunlight, or you might need some counselling or a short course of anti-depressants, but I honestly think you should see your GP and do something as this is spoiling what could be a lovely, lovely time in your life.
And in the meantime buy her a showstopping outfit - so cute that people will stop and stare. I had a pink knitted coat and pompom bonnet that was a total old-lady magnet!

The more I read about your problems with anxiety etc, the more convinced I am that this has nothing to do with how your dd looks at all. This sounds so much like post-natal depression to me. Please see your gp and be honest.

Went through something similar with my DC's. DS got lots of comments about how lovely he was but DD was very large and chubby. I must say it didn't bother me as I bonded pretty quickly.

Don't beat yourself up over this littlegirlblue. She and you will change. My DD has lost much of her weight and at 5 is a light in our lives. she is not conventionally pretty but her face lights up when she smiles and people comment on that. She is extraordinarily kind and thoughtful for 5 and whilst not as 'smart' as her brother, she is delightful company.

Something will change for you, so don't despair for the future. You won't have the same feelings for both DD's as they are both different people, but I bet she grows up to have some qualities that make you equally proud. You sound like a lovely mum and maybe it would get easier for you if you tried to stop feeling so guilty.

This is why I am secretly glad I have only one daughter and two sons. DD is very pretty and I was scared of comparisons if the third was a girl. I recently confessed this to a pregnant friend who also has a boy and a girl and she breathed a sigh of relief and said she felt exactly the same. Both of us have an older sister who we were compared to and although in my case I have a good relationship with my sister (although it took 30 years) my friend is completly estranged from hers.

I think we are scared of mirroring the past .

snap! I have one dd and she was blotchy and purple for months, and didn't look great in photos . But, I think about 50% of how she looked was distorted in my eyes, looking back I was definitely depressed.
She is gorgeous now, sparkly blue eyes, angel hair the lot!
Do chat to your GP, you may be hormonal or depressed or down or whatever but you're fantastic to say what so many of us never had the bottle to. You sound lovely and being honest with yourself is quite painful.
hugs to you and your little ones.

You see, I think most non-depressed people think their newborn is gorgeous and it's a huge shock to get out the newborn pix months later and find your perfect peach was actually a squashed blueberry. Really - do see your gp.

DS2 looked like an alien when he was a baby, he had a huge, odd shaped head with massive ears and huge eyes.

Now he's very handsome and has done some modelling. They change.

Thanks everyone, it is a big relief to read I am not the only one to feel like this. I'm seeing the health visitor on thurs, so might mention if I have the nerve to. I think you're right mabanana, I want those mummy goggles on that make my baby seem like the best in the world, as I had with dd1. I am on the fish oils. I definitely need more sleep. I feel more hopeful now that time will change things, as she develops more in to her own person.

please do mention it - it's so common, nobody will think the worse of you. I honestly think you do sound a bit depressed, and it might help a bit to think, she's a gorgeous, it's just be being a bit down that's making me feel like this - ie it's nothing to do with her at all.
I honestly bet she is a really lovely,beautiful, cute baby, but you just have a very common condition that is in no way your fault.