To Feel like a crap mother for feeling this way about my dd

[littlegirlblue]

I have a 5 month old dd, who is a happy bonny sweet little thing. I also have a 4 year old dd. Dd1 was an absolutely beautiful baby, and is still rather stunningly gorgeous, (Gets commented on whereever we go) clever, advanced, lovely, all the things a first time mummy would want in a little one. All through my pregnancy with dd2 I worried that I would not love dd2 the same, or feel as overwhelmingly happy/proud about her as I did dd1. And I was right, I feel soooo awful and ashamed to admit it, and I'm fighting it at every step, because obviously I do love her, and she is totally in need of my unconditional love, but I just feel slightly sad about her. She is a little funny looking, (people say...oh look how BIG she is, and NEVER say anything really nice!). I found it hard to bond with her at first, despite a lovely home birth, and even now at 5 months I am really struggling. I feel very upset about it, as I do of course love her, but I feel very mixed up about it, and seeing other gorgeous new borns makes me want to cry with jealously. I feel a bit robbed of those proud feelings that the other mothers have. Have I gone mad?! All that matters is that she is healthy and happy, I know, I know....I keep telling myself. Is it normal to feel so odd about your own baby? (It's not ALL of the time, but certain comments/ other people's babies that trigger it). Just been in tears. How can I put my feelings back in their right place? And how will she cope in life when her mummy and everyone else thinks more highly of her older sister? I hope this doesn't sound shallow, as I really am not a shallow person, but one who is rather sensitive and feels things a bit too deeply.

hi little girlblue,

i have 2 dds aged 6 and 4. when dd1 was born i felt intense love and bond straight away. when dd2 was born, although i loved her straight away, the intensity of the bond was not the same - she hadnt rocked my world the way dd1 did. and i felt dreadfully guilty about it. i remember confiding in dh about this when she was 7 weeks old, but never told anyone else how i felt.

if i'm brutally honest, i have at times had to battle with comparing and analysing my feelings towards them for the first couple years of dd2's life. i've always loved them both dearly, but felt terrible guilt that dd1 had the history of being my PFB- not dd2.

i also felt upset and angry that grandparents seemed to favour dd1 (and still do )

i certainly didnt have any issues with her appearance though. i think maybe you are just looking for a reason to explain the lack of a bond that you have so far. (ie 'i dont feel the way i should towards my baby, maybe ite because she's not so pretty...')

as i say, dd2 is now 4yo and its funny how things have worked out. dd1 may occupy a special place in my/ grandparents' hearts, for being first child/ grandchild. however, dd2 has grown into the most charismatic child with the most striking eyes and captivating personality. people just seem to gravitate towards her. and my love and bond with her has grown hugely . i worried for a while that she would always be in her sister's shadow. there's no way that's ever going to happen.

Give it time...

ps i dont think you necessarily have to have PND to have difficulties bonding.

It took me quite a while to feel anything more than a basic protective urge towards my DS - he's now the joy of my life. You sound very 'hormonal' and are prob a bit low? And who cares what your LO looks like - she's 5 months old and will change beyond all recognition in the next few years! Your gorgeous daughter may turn out to be just attractive when older.

Obviously some people have what I will call "proper" PND (my friend was very poorly with it) but I think a certain amount of emotional upset and depression are normal in life.

India Knight wrote an article about 4 months back (when I was wondering whether I was struggling or potentially PND) and she said that people have to drop their expectations of new mums (including mums themselves). I think that there is a lot in that.

I think it's normal to feel like this. My DD was an absolute stunner as a newborn - long eyelashes, rosebud mouth etc.

Poor old DS was just a run of the mill blotchy newborn. However, at two he's every bit as gorgeous as his sister

Wow, just reading all these posts has made SUCH a difference to the guilt I feel- just knowing others feel the same, and it's not me being a terrible mother, makes me feel a lot better about things. Mumsnet is so brilliant for this- you can offload all your feelings and then take a step back without feeling judged!!
Perhaps my expecatations were too high, maybe you never can feel that amazing first-born bond again. Biggreypant, sorry you are feeling like this too! But it gives me hope that perhaps I'm just normal and this might just be a phase. When I look for it I can already see that dd2 is going to have a very social and happy disposition. I'm going to work on stopping worrying/ feeling guilty and try instead to enjoy this very sort fleeting baby stage. My usual HV was away yesterday but when I see her I will tell her if I'm still feeling bad. Thanks again everyone.