To Feel like a crap mother for feeling this way about my dd

[littlegirlblue]

I have a 5 month old dd, who is a happy bonny sweet little thing. I also have a 4 year old dd. Dd1 was an absolutely beautiful baby, and is still rather stunningly gorgeous, (Gets commented on whereever we go) clever, advanced, lovely, all the things a first time mummy would want in a little one. All through my pregnancy with dd2 I worried that I would not love dd2 the same, or feel as overwhelmingly happy/proud about her as I did dd1. And I was right, I feel soooo awful and ashamed to admit it, and I'm fighting it at every step, because obviously I do love her, and she is totally in need of my unconditional love, but I just feel slightly sad about her. She is a little funny looking, (people say...oh look how BIG she is, and NEVER say anything really nice!). I found it hard to bond with her at first, despite a lovely home birth, and even now at 5 months I am really struggling. I feel very upset about it, as I do of course love her, but I feel very mixed up about it, and seeing other gorgeous new borns makes me want to cry with jealously. I feel a bit robbed of those proud feelings that the other mothers have. Have I gone mad?! All that matters is that she is healthy and happy, I know, I know....I keep telling myself. Is it normal to feel so odd about your own baby? (It's not ALL of the time, but certain comments/ other people's babies that trigger it). Just been in tears. How can I put my feelings back in their right place? And how will she cope in life when her mummy and everyone else thinks more highly of her older sister? I hope this doesn't sound shallow, as I really am not a shallow person, but one who is rather sensitive and feels things a bit too deeply.

Please do say something to your HV. She can probably help you! Take a deep breath and say I'm not sure I'm bonding well with her. It's a start...

and do try massage! before bedtime just for a couple of minutes, rub her belly clockwise softly.

Good luck

Your post could almost have been written by me, except that looks don't factor into it. I just don't feel nearly as strong a bond with 7mo DD2 as I do with 3yo DD1. I'm just kinda doing what I must with DD2 - feed, wash dress and of course cuddle, but at this stage it feels more like looking after a pet! I put it down to the fact that DD1 is a real person now - we have conversations, she makes me laugh etc etc... we have a real friendship. But DD2 just poops and dribbles. I'm sure that as she grows into the wonderful person she is bound to be, I'll develop the same deep feelings for her that I have for DD1.

I wouldn't worry if I were you! I'm sure your DD2 will turn out to be amazing and your bond with her will be just as strong as your bond with DD1.

all sounds a bit shallow to me

Forgot to add - I wasn't too keen on DD1 as a baby either. I guess I'm just not a baby person!

Not sure that was a helpful comment, Custardo

custardo on Wed 08-Oct-08 13:46:24
"all sounds a bit shallow to me"

Yes, to a healthy person, no doubt. But there is a strong suspicion that the OP is suffering from PND. And that's what PND does to you; makes you feel all sorts of illogical things which you may well know are wrong, but you still can't cope with them.

I identify with a lot of what you say. I felt so flat after DS2's birth. I remember coming back from the hospital with him, seeing DS1 at the window waiting for me and thinking "DS1 is soooooo beautiful" and looking at the baby and just feeling flat.

I also didn't sleep for weeks and got pretty ill. I wish I'd known about mumsnet then.

Don't assume this is necessarily depression. Various people around me were eager to tell me I was probably depressed and ended up sending me to a consultant psychiatrist. She listened to me and then diagnosed anxiety only. She said I was miserable because I was adapting to the change from 1 to 2 children. (having said that, the half hour in her office breastfeeding was probably the easiest half hour I'd had in 3 months so no wonder I didn't seem depressed to her!)

A health visitor put it a different way - grieving for the one-to-one relationship with your precious first born. And it is special and worth grieving for. You can only fall in love for the first time once.

Your DD1 is now 4, so she will understand the comments that are made. It is therefore crucial that you brief all your family and friends to get out of the habit of comments on appearance. I think they will understand this.... they don't need to know that this will help you as well.

By the way, if I go away for work now, it's DS2 that I get goosebumps about seeing again....accept your feelings, it will settle down.... you will never have that relationship you had with baby DD1, but you may have a better relationship with pretty DD2. The massage idea is good. For me it was bathtime. I got someone to look after DS1 while I bathed DS2 and it was the only time we got together uninterrupted. He was my bathtime buddy long before I loved him like I do today.

what cory said. custardo obv has never had PND.

littlegirlblue - when my DD was born, my first thoughts were, "she looks like a prune", she was HUGE nine pound nine (natural birth, no stitches -brag!). The knock me off my feet falling in love feeling didn't happen straight away for me. I think that was because i felt worried that i would love this baby MORE than DD1. Anyway, it doesn;t have to be love at first sight.

You do sound like you could be suffering from PND, not being able to bond is a "classic" symptom. I had terrible, crippling, PND but i did bond so thought i didnt have it. I know two women who have had PND and both of them coudlnt bond. My friend, whos relationship with her DD has often made me jealous didnt bond wiht her DD for a year, she said she felt like she was looking after someone elses child. My other friend had PND twice and actually seriously thought of putting her second child up for adoption, because he had "ruined everything". She got treatment, she iwas fine and she has a great relationship with both of her children and is an "uber mummy". Might be an idea to talk to someone about it, your GP or HV would be a good start - difficult thing to "admit" to, but you DO love your DD, you just finding it difficult to let go of your anxieties. Get some help and enjoy your baby.

FWIW, my prune baby (and when i look back at her new born pics, she was a bit of a bulldog bless her) has blossomed into a beautiful, blond haired, three year old and people stop me on the street to comment on her prettiness. I am sure i would have loved her and thought her beautiful if she had stayed a prune face bulldog, but she really did blossom

Lingle makes some excellent points too - stop beating yourself up, see how you go, but there is help there if you need it. The only thing is, you do have to ask

Good luck, and enjoy your princesses.

Thanks everyone....it is making me feel much better just to read this/ write it. I have wondered to myself if it's some kind of depression, but because I sometimes get myself out of it for short periods, and feel fine again, and start to feel more warm and mushy to dd2, I think I'm fine. But then just one tiny thing, like a remark, or someone having a bloody gorgeous newborn just sets me off again. Thanks for all the kind and wise words. I think that yes, it is a kind of grief I'm experiencing for the loss of the feelings/ one to one bond I had for dd1, and perhaps you just can't expect to feel like that for the second? It does seem a huge adjustment going from one to two. I have mentioned to family members about not making comparisons, but the damage is already done in my head somehow. Outwardly though I seem fine, I expect, and I do kiss and cuddle dd1 loads, and tell her she's gorgeous, I just sometimes don't think that she really is. But I will go away and try out the massage/ looking in to her eyes more/ telling myself it's me feeling weird and not anything up with her/ and try to let go of this horrible guilt and anxiety that keeps me up at night! Thanks againx

It does sound shallow and im ashamed to admit that I rather felt the same about dd.

Ds even being two months prem was such a beautiful baby. He wasn't wrinkly (although he did have a furry little face), he wasn't puffed up, he was just a lovely tiny beautiful baby.

I expected dd to be beautiful too and I have to be honest, she really wasn't. The first time I saw her I loved her immediately but she didn't look good at all! (not even cute). She was slightly overdue. Bright red with peeling skin, wrinkly and her cheeks were covered in spots. She had a big crease at the top of her nose and looked like she was frowning. Her head was a strange shape too.

She is stunning now, a really really beautiful child, within about 5 months her looks were completely different.

I dont think her looks were really the issue with me though tbh, there was much more involved. I had her on my own and was already upset that this was never going to be the perfect family (no dad to be seen for dust)/birth I would have wanted, (another cs) hard to explain...

Ive always adored them both though, dont be so hard on yourself

Oh I forgot something. This may not be at all relevant but ds and I always had this "us against the world" thing going on. We had a special saying at night which I could never bring myself to say to dd. I said a variation, but I felt like I was betraying ds if I said "our thing" to dd.

I felt guilty for loving her I think. Like things between ds and I would never be the same. They arent the same, they are better...but it took a while to adapt. Our goodnights are all the same now

Dear Littlegirlboy

I have had exactly the same experience as you, (including the homebirth!)

I was besotted with my DS1 from day one, everyone commented on how gorgeous he was and how lovely. Like you looks aren't that important to me.

with DS2 I didn't bond for much longer, I remember having flashes of love for him but feeling numb inbetween times, I felt so sorry for him,
And like you not people only seemed to comment him on his chubbiness.

at about 3 months I realised I was a bit depressed and started talking about it, (including to the HV who arranged counselling) but by the time that came through - about two weeks- I had talked myself out of it, it was like even talking a bout it made a huge difference.

Then slowly slowly those feelings came, I did keep thinking that he was quite unattractive and though wished it didn;t bother me it did.

DS2 is now 16 months and I can say in all honesty I love him top to toe every bit as much as his brother.

I have recently been trying to sort out their baby photos and to my shock was unable to tell some of them apart.

I ask my DH about how weird this was as DS2 was so different (and a bit funny looking I even said [shame]) and he said that he wasn't. we had a huge discussion about it and I came to these conclusions:

1.My Bonding was different but ended up with the same depth of love, I now can no longer remember the difference.

1. with DS1 I was so besotted that I only heard the good comments, and being our first child he got a lot more attention from everyone,

1. with ds2 I was so worried about my feelings and his looks that I only heard comments negative comments.

(also if some said oh what chubby legs, with ds1 I thought 'oh yes aren't they just so squeezly and gorgeous'

whereas with DS2 I thought 'oh no they think he is a just a big chub' (which they both were)

1. That analogy with grief is quite true, but I promise you that I now look back on his babyhood without those pangs

I remember saying things to him like 'oh I love you' )and a little voice in my head saying 'not really'

or who's beautiful 'not you'

and I hated myself for it... but it stopped completely and utterly

It has in no way changed my relationship with him I love him an unbelievable amount and he is a well adjusted, loving funny and beautiful boy.

I think you probably are a bit depressed, talking is the first step (and may be enough) but go to your GP/HV and see if they can help if you need more

Lots of love to you, I know how difficult it is, but it will get better
xxx

" how I felt about dd1 as a new baby, and how proud I felt of her."

I only have one DC but when he was born the whole "new baby" thing was wrapped up with the "new motherhood" thing. DH and my family thought I was fantastic fr giving birth, DH was off work and doing everything for us, everyone was so impressed by how well I was doing and all those feelings are mixed into my feelings for DS. I can imagine if I have #2 that a lot of that will be missing - I'm already a mum and we'll have a toddler to deal with, which means the hours spent watching DS sleep will not be possible Not that it won't be fantastic, but I can imagine the whole experience seeming less magical iyswim.
Anyway, that rambling was just to see if any of that made sense?

I think it sounds like pnd too. I would consider ad's just for a short time and see if it helps.

Or if it is anxiety they will help with that too. You may just need a boost to get you out of that frame of mind and onto another way of thinking about the situation.

little girl blue I am feeling the same as you very anxious and I do feel as though I am going through a grieving process.

When my dd was born she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I can clearly remember the day I brought her home I sat on the sofa with her and and looked into her eyes and that was the moment i fell unconditionally in love with her. I couldn't believe you could love someone so much. I am still waiting for that my moment with my ds.

I thought having another would be like having dd all over again but instead I have a ds and the birth was completely different (one a cs other vbac)

I do think we just need to give ourselves time and soon we will not be able to imagine life without our new dc's. It is quite a change to get used to.

Can I just add that Vicky Iovine writes well on this subject. She writes the "Girlfriend's Guide to...." [Pregnancy, Motherhoold, etc]. In the UK they have changed the title to "Best Friend's Guide to...". They've wrecked her sassy prose style but the ideas are still there.

I also want to add that I clearly remember the end of grieving process for my beautiful but exclusive relationship with DS1. DS2 was nearly 12 months old. A friend had just adopted her second child and was going through the motions of saying "Of course I will love her the way I love her brother - I know I will". And it suddenly became clear and I said:
"No, you may not, I now realise that I will never love DS2 the way I loved DS1, but that does not mean that I am not the best possible mother he could have, and I may even be a better mother to him than to DS1".

And after I'd said it it felt like a weight falling off my shoulders. The other mum remembers the conversation too and says it helped her.

I identify with several of the posts above. DS1's birth was a triumph over adversity surrounded by a team of focussed helpers. With DS2, "precious vessel" status was well and truly a thing of the past. I was also self-employed so had to come home from hospital and deal with my emails (perhaps a mistake in retrospect!).

Message withdrawn

If its about thinking that she is not as physically attractive (?) I do believe that its a myth that all mums consider their children beautiful.

My DD is very pretty (and is always told so) he is only 9 months BUT I can see her physical flaws. She has my legs for a start, big chunky things.

I dont meant to make light of anything, its just that with some, if not most, babies/people it takes their personality to shine through. At 5 months she hasn't really had that opportunity yet.

Not sure what I am really trying to say. Yes she may never be as physically "pretty" as DD1, but if thats the case you can almost guarantee that she is going to be as lovable and beautiful for it once she has had time.

My DD is very pretty but I can see when other babies are "prettier" (only met 2 of them so maybe I am a bit biased) but I dont care about that. In fact I think that physically pretty may equate to hard work, think of those teenage years.

good luck for today sweetheart ((((((((((((lgb))))))))))))))))
it does sound like you have some symptoms of pnd, just talk everything over with your hv/doc - do NOT worry about them thinking of your capabilities as a mother,as i did - it just takes longer to get the help you need. you will be fine xxx

Also shybaby I think your point is excellent.

Apparently me and DD have a "us against the world" relatioship (according to my DH). I cant imagine loving another child (or anything) as much as I love her, but hopefully if/when I have another I will be able to share that love with him/her.

pamelat love the "us against the world"
dd is nearly 4 and she has said a similar thing when i was a little upset after discussion with x. bless her heart she said "we're a team now mommy"

"we're a team now mommy"

oh how lovely....

AS a psychology student, this SCREAMS PND! See someone straight away!

Have to say, as others have suggested, it sounds like pnd to me and hope your HV and gp can help but...
If looks really are affecting you then things really can and do change...
I was a Audrey Hepburn look alike until I was 3, utterly gorgeous, then all hell broke loose and I inflated in all directions and became a model for jabba the hut..and no amount of diet and excersise has ever changed me since. My brother was a fat, blotchy, carrot top baby who grew into a 6ft 3" blonde bronzed adonis.
And if you want a second case study; two of my friends, sisters, the eldest of which looked like a doll, turned heads in her pram and was district pageant rosebud as a child, (casting a shadow over her "plain jane" sibling), hit puberty and grew a nose like Punch and developed skin like a corn fed chicken with acne. The plain sister not only developed into a beautiful woman but because she had grown up not relying on her looks she had also worked hard at school and got a scholarship to Oxford!