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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dh should give me a small portion of his salary every month?

66 replies

yorkey · 07/10/2008 14:35

My dh has a good job with pretty good money. Our house and all household bills are in his name. His salary gets paid into his account. I run a small business which is not yet profitable (which he wanted me to do). I also care for our 2yro daughter (I worked right up until day dd was born and had 2wks off following birth).

My fab parents come over 2 days a week to care for dd whilst I work. I pay for dd to attend nursery one day a week (and my fab parents contribute a large chunk of this). I don't qualify for official help for this due to the level of dhs salary, but he doesn't give me any money. He would qualify for vouchers through work but won't apply because then nursery fees would have to come out of his monthly salary.

Last week dh did some ironing and noticed that ironing consists entirely of his clothes and must have felt guilty cos he took me and dd shopping.

In the past, when I have asked dh for housekeeping/allowance/whatever he has been totally furious at the suggestion and stated I don't need money from him cos he pays for everything.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to give me some money. He says we are skint (because of me) and is always moaning we don't go on holiday. However, he is always on internet ordering cds, dvds, food processor, new tv (this week and without any consultation!).

Sorry this is a rather longwinded rant but I am totally fed up!!!

OP posts:

pagwatch · 07/10/2008 14:37

Don't know what to advise.
Our view is that we are a couple/family /household and all the money coming in is shared.
It is the families money - not mine or his.
We work out how we prioritise spending jointly

MrsMattie · 07/10/2008 14:37

He is completely controlling your family's finances, leaving all the shitty expenditures to you and hogging all the decision making and 'fun bits' (ordering DVDs etc) to himself. I think you need a frank discussion about what it means to be partners in a family.

MorningTownRide · 07/10/2008 14:39

It shouldn't be your money or his money.

Dh is a SAHD and he use the account my salary goes into. He has his own account that the CB goes into to. We both have a couple of savings accounts too.

tessofthedurbervilles · 07/10/2008 14:40

He sounds as tight as a gnats bottom and selfish with it. You are partners and therefore equal, he needs to be aware of this or his behavour will continue and you will get even more fed up....

pinkspottywellies · 07/10/2008 14:40

Agree with Pagwatch. I am a SAHM and we jointly decide (oh, ok, I tell him!) what we spend where, and we have an equal amount of 'pocket money' each for things like DVDs, nights out with friends etc.

geordieminx · 07/10/2008 14:41

Sorry there is no way I would put up with this. You are married, you are supposed to share. Sounds like you are there to provide child care and home help. YANBU, but if this is the way things have always been, it is unlikely that your husband is going to change.

In comparison, dp works, good job, I'm a SAHM, we have a joint account, from which all of the household bills come out of, and from which I pay for groceries, clothes, and anything else that ds and I want or need. I also have a sole account which child benifit gets paid into and other wee bits - this is mine, normally for presents for dp birthday/christmas.

I cant imagine living the way in which you do. Very for you.

Out of interest who pays for your/dd's clothes/shopping/treats?

thesockmonsterofdoom · 07/10/2008 14:41

doesnt sound like an equal partnership to me, you need to have a proper discussion and proper arrangements in place, it is very selfish of him to be spending money on cd's and things if you have no money to spend as a family.

flowerybeanbag · 07/10/2008 14:44

DH earns a lot more than me for various reasons. We budget by looking at the total we have coming in, our total fixed expenses and the rest is divvied up fairly for non essentials. Where the money originally came from has no bearing on how it is spent.

Our total when budgeting is mostly comprised of his salary because my money at the moment is not a regular set amount at all.

A set amount goes into a joint account for all the household expenses, bills, food, etc

A separate set amount comes into my personal account for my personal spending (this is a hangover from when I wasn't earning money, it will disappear shortly).

The nanny gets her salary and DH has a set amount left in his account for his own personal spending.

What your DH is doing is completely unacceptable imo, you are a partnership.

Cappuccino · 07/10/2008 14:44

utterly agree with pagwatch

all money shared, regardless of earnings

all bills go out first - eg you do not pay nursery out of 'your share'; all money left over after bills is shared equally

barnsleybelle · 07/10/2008 14:45

Agree with others... It's not yours or his money..

You are partners and partners share..

He needs a good talking to, and sounds a bit mean to me.

Could he maybe be more skint than he's let on??? I know a friend of mine who's husband doled out the family money had run up some debt that she didn't know about. Nothing bad, just was too proud to tell her.

louii · 07/10/2008 14:47

God what a mean man, all equal in this house, one account.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 14:51

You're not in a marriage.

You're in an indentured servitude with no expiry date.

And the house is in his name, too?

You're actually in a financially dangerous position - if he were to leave you right now you would have nothing.

His behaviour is controlling and bullying (putting the blame on YOU for being skint, forcing you to work but not helping with the childcare).

Please see a counsellor to find out how best to meet your own very real needs in this relationship if at all possible.

Original poster

yorkey · 07/10/2008 14:52

I agree with all of you but can't get dh to see it that way. I've tried frank discussions but it always descends into the most appalling rows and I just can't stand it.

Unfortunately, dh had shitty relationship with his mum (who died earlier in the year), who after his father died when he was a kid, made sure he knew just how much of a burden he was to her and he is now just the same towards me.

OP posts:

feedmenow · 07/10/2008 14:57

Yorkey, I agree with what everyone else has said. But that doesn't really help, when you obviously agree with it too but just can't get him to see it from a different point of view.

I obviously don't have any idea of the rest of your relationship, but I have to honestly say that this "life" would leave me so miserable that I think I would seriously consider parting ways

geordieminx · 07/10/2008 14:57

Expat makes a very good point - if there house is in his name, should he decide to turf you out you would be in a very difficult position. Although not sure how of the legailities as you are married its a very dsngerous position to be in.

Original poster

yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:00

I have already contacted relate and plan to visit my local cab office this week.

OP posts:

Kathyis6incheshigh · 07/10/2008 15:01

This is awful.
Sorry, this sounds to me like an abusive relationship. Even if he is not abusive in other ways, he is withholding money you need as a form of cruelty.
As for your parents paying for your dd's nursery because your dh won't.... that's just not on.

Even 100 years ago this would have been considered unreasonable behaviour - the woman would have been given housekeeping. It is not a normal family arrangement these days either. He has no right to do this.

Original poster

yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:01

he says he hasn't put the house in my name because I am self-employed and business is not yet profitable and this would go against us when applying for remortgage

OP posts:

TheBlonde · 07/10/2008 15:02

why did you agree to this financial arrangement previously?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 07/10/2008 15:03

The nursery voucher thing is nuts though. This absolutely seems to have more to do with him exerting power than anything else.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 15:04

'he says he hasn't put the house in my name because I am self-employed and business is not yet profitable and this would go against us when applying for remortgage'

that's typical bullshit from a controlling wanker of a person.

completely untrue.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 07/10/2008 15:07

Re the house not being in your name - even if what he says is true, that there is a reason for it to be in his, then any savings the two of you have should be in your name, to balance it out. Otherwise one person in the couple (you) is being expected to take on all the risk.

barnsleybelle · 07/10/2008 15:07

You say, he encouraged you to become self employed?? It sounds to me like he wants you to be totally dependant on him.. Very controlling..

I know i would be desperately unhappy in this situation... Get the help you need to sort this asap.

Cappuccino · 07/10/2008 15:07

domestic abuse includes financial abuse

he is controlling you

he is letting your parents pay for childcare for his kids? because he won't apply for vouchers? what kind of a man would do this?

he should be ashamed of himself, letting others pick up the tab for his selfishness

TheBlonde · 07/10/2008 15:08

welcome to MN btw

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