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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dh should give me a small portion of his salary every month?

66 replies

yorkey · 07/10/2008 14:35

My dh has a good job with pretty good money. Our house and all household bills are in his name. His salary gets paid into his account. I run a small business which is not yet profitable (which he wanted me to do). I also care for our 2yro daughter (I worked right up until day dd was born and had 2wks off following birth).

My fab parents come over 2 days a week to care for dd whilst I work. I pay for dd to attend nursery one day a week (and my fab parents contribute a large chunk of this). I don't qualify for official help for this due to the level of dhs salary, but he doesn't give me any money. He would qualify for vouchers through work but won't apply because then nursery fees would have to come out of his monthly salary.

Last week dh did some ironing and noticed that ironing consists entirely of his clothes and must have felt guilty cos he took me and dd shopping.

In the past, when I have asked dh for housekeeping/allowance/whatever he has been totally furious at the suggestion and stated I don't need money from him cos he pays for everything.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to give me some money. He says we are skint (because of me) and is always moaning we don't go on holiday. However, he is always on internet ordering cds, dvds, food processor, new tv (this week and without any consultation!).

Sorry this is a rather longwinded rant but I am totally fed up!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:09

I am seriously considering splitting but its not what I really want to do. I have hung on in here hoping things would improve as I know he had a seriously bad time with his mum (I experienced some of it during the last 5yrs with her). He is (and you may laugh at this) currently training to be a counsellor and is receiving counselling as part of this. I encouraged him to do the course when he first mentioned is as hoped it would help him and in the long run, me.

OP posts:
VineGARISHtits · 07/10/2008 15:09

I would be seriously be considering divorce, at least then you would get half of what your rightly entitled too!

You need a joint account so you can access the money too

You need the house put into joint names

He needs a kick in the nuts

Can you talk to a solicitor to find out where you stand finacially?

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 15:10

please see a counsellor yourself.

you sound like you have very little self-esteem to have found this arrangement acceptable enough that it's gotten to the level is has.

Original poster
yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:11

he doesn't know my parents are contributing to childcare

OP posts:
wilbur · 07/10/2008 15:11

yorkey - that's incorrect about the mortgage thing. Our house and mortgage are in both dh and my name but the mortgage is calculated solely on dh's income as my freelance income is so sporadic (and practically non-existent for several years at one point). Your dh is talking out of his bum.

BTW - dh's salary goes into our joint account which I control. We both get an allowance out of it and the rest goes on bills and general black hole expenses. Any income I make goes into a separate savings and pays for holidays (Wales, here we come again!) and nice stuff. Everything, except one of our endowment policies is in joint names, including shares that dh's grandparents left him. It works brilliantly for us, but it did take a long time for dh to come round to really having joint finances. He thinks it's worth it now though, we rarely fight about money any more (which we used to regularly) and life is just way more pleasant. Although I do now have to pay all the bills, which is a shag.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 15:15

'he doesn't know my parents are contributing to childcare '

i find that hard to believe. because he knows it's not free and he knows you're not in profit and he knows you aren't getting any vouchers.

one of the things you'll learn in counselling is to stop making excuses for his behaviour, which is appalling.

stleger · 07/10/2008 15:15

Do you have wills? I would suggest that as the parents of a small child you should take legal advice on wills - and the solicitor should advise on the joint names on deeds issue. (As dh has lost a parent as a child surely he should be aware of the need for wills?)

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 15:18

he also knows your parents are looking after his and your child free of charge 2 days/week.

Original poster
yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:20

This financial arrangments with the house etc started because this house was bought by dh and his first wife. Then I moved in and we just continued with our own accounts, then I left my job to start business, we got married, but mortgage continued in his name.

OP posts:
Mammina · 07/10/2008 15:22

yorkey you poor thing this really is not on. I am mainly a SAHM but do some freelance work from home. We have a joint account which I use as and when I need. We are not well off by any means but we don't budget we just use common sense. I did have issues of guilt if I bought something for myself from the joint account but my DH says that's ridiculous bec. it is money he earns for both (or all 3) of us. However the occasional money I earn goes to my own account which I use to buy treats / DH presents. That way DH never needs to know how much my moisturiser costs !
Yorkey I am that he doesn't know your parents contribute to childcare - I would tell him so that he understands how hard up you are. It is completely unfair that you work AND work as a SAHM/slave but don't get paid.

stleger · 07/10/2008 15:22

Fair enough - but does first wife have any claim? is she off the deeds?

tiredemma · 07/10/2008 15:24
  1. Why did he and his ex-wife split up?
  2. What is the business venture that he 'wanted' you to do?
Original poster
yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:26

first wife has no claim and is not on deeds. Dh is still peeved that he had to pay her off, especially when she moved in with bloke down the road who promptly got new conservatory fitted to rear of his house and they sold his house soon after.

OP posts:
Kathyis6incheshigh · 07/10/2008 15:27

There are lots of threads on MN about different, equitable ways to manage money & bank accounts in a marriage. Some people just have joint accounts, others keep their own accounts but pay into the joint account in proportion to how much they earn. In any case, you would expect your dd's childcare expenses to come from a joint pot and any assets to be evenly distributed.

mazzystartled · 07/10/2008 15:27

i would tell him how disempowered it makes you feel
how dependent
how uncomfortable

this isn't about the money

even if you pooled all resources, accounts and mortgage in joint names and ended up with the same amount of disposable income - or even with less - then you would feel better because at least you would be on an equal footing.

gen up on the legal and practical side of things and put it to him as a proposal that will save him hassle.

LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil · 07/10/2008 15:29

expat's completely right, you need to stop making excuses for this man's behaviour. So his mum was horrible to him? So what, he's a grown man and if he's training to be a counsellor, surely he can see that he needs to break this cycle of behaviour.

He's using this as an excuse to be abusive and controlling towards you, and that's just not on.

what do your parents think about all this?

expatinscotland · 07/10/2008 15:30

'Dh is still peeved that he had to pay her off, especially when she moved in with bloke down the road who promptly got new conservatory fitted to rear of his house and they sold his house soon after.'

He is still peeved he was bound by law to give her what was rightfully hers?

This speaks volumes to me.

Original poster
yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:32

split with first wife was due to her affair and she walked out to live with new bloke as above.

Business is a franchise delivery service which would be profitable if I had time to do it. I actually enjoy it but it involves going out and getting new customers sometimes by canvassing and can't do that with 2yro, although I have taken her out on deliveries from time to time and that's ok as long as we're not out too long.

I take very small amount from business weekly to cover small amount of direct debits which come out of my account (my savings and life insurance). This also goes someway to cover nursery and of course I get family allowance and small tax credit paid into my account.

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkey · 07/10/2008 15:35

my parents know everything and are quite prepared for me to go back to them. They are totally fantastic and I may well end up back at their house but am reluctant to land on them with 2yro, dog, van and garage full of stock unless absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
yomellamoHelly · 07/10/2008 15:43

Personally I'd treat your joint account like your personal account. If you want cash, you take out cash. If you want some clothes, you go buy them. etc.etc. It's the situation he has put you in. Your childcare needs to come out of that account too. Tell your husband your parents won't be paying anymore and do it. I think it's really out of order to rely on them if he earns enough to cover it.
Fwiw my dh does give me a small amount of money each month. That way he doesn't see loads of small transactions coming out of the joint account which he can't identify and it's easier for him to manage.
Otherwise is your business something you enjoy doing? If your dh wasn't encouraging you would you still want to do it.

tiredemma · 07/10/2008 15:43

I dont normally condone affairs, but tbh- your DH sounds such an arse, im not all surprised she went off.

He really does sound controlling and a bit of an arsehole tbh (sorry)

As for getting you out 'canvassing' with a two year old......

Peachy · 07/10/2008 15:48

We control our own caqsh but family comes first every timec for us both so it works

There is a thing called financial abuse, y7ou may be experiencing it

Bridie3 · 07/10/2008 15:54

It took me a few years to cotton on to the fact that spending most of my earnings on childcare, with a few pounds left for petrol (needed to take them to nursery) and an occasional haircut wasn't exactly fair.

I just started using joint account money to buy clothes. My husband didn't say a word. It was my misplaced guilt which was the problem.

Peachy · 07/10/2008 15:57

sorryit's the welsh site, but then you may be welsh who knows!

OTOH if you really dojn't thinkits that severe, tell him its for tampons ad if he doesnt give you it you'll bleed on the carpet

Highlander · 07/10/2008 16:07

I hassled DH to get the house in my name, but it was going to cost us £2k . We're married so half is mine anyway.

I'm an SAHM at the mo (but hopefully will be self-employed from Jan) and I made DH do a direct debit into my account every month. After 2 years he just didn't 'get' that it was demeaning for me to ask for money every month.