to think my dh should give me a small portion of his salary every month?

[yorkey]

My dh has a good job with pretty good money. Our house and all household bills are in his name. His salary gets paid into his account. I run a small business which is not yet profitable (which he wanted me to do). I also care for our 2yro daughter (I worked right up until day dd was born and had 2wks off following birth).

My fab parents come over 2 days a week to care for dd whilst I work. I pay for dd to attend nursery one day a week (and my fab parents contribute a large chunk of this). I don't qualify for official help for this due to the level of dhs salary, but he doesn't give me any money. He would qualify for vouchers through work but won't apply because then nursery fees would have to come out of his monthly salary.

Last week dh did some ironing and noticed that ironing consists entirely of his clothes and must have felt guilty cos he took me and dd shopping.

In the past, when I have asked dh for housekeeping/allowance/whatever he has been totally furious at the suggestion and stated I don't need money from him cos he pays for everything.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to give me some money. He says we are skint (because of me) and is always moaning we don't go on holiday. However, he is always on internet ordering cds, dvds, food processor, new tv (this week and without any consultation!).

Sorry this is a rather longwinded rant but I am totally fed up!!!

It sounds like this guy gets it just fine, though, Highlander, if he's still fuming about having to buy his ex-wife out of their marital home years and years later.

thanks folks for words of wisdom. I am more determined than ever to get this mess sorted out once and for all and make him see that he doesn't pay for everything, we do!!!

"Dh is still peeved that he had to pay her off, especially when she moved in with bloke down the road who promptly got new conservatory fitted to rear of his house and they sold his house soon after."

what the dickens does the other bloke's house have to do with him? it's the other bloke's house, and it is nothing at all to do with him. If he thinks he owes his wife nothing from their life together simply because she hooked up with a bloke with funds to get a conservatory, he is completely off his rocker. His wife got a divorce settlement to give her what was legally hers.

he is incredibly, incredibly, tight, and I wouldn't be surprised if his first wife didn't get out for exactly the same reasons you're coming up with

I have a relative who resents how much his first wife 'cost' him

despite the fact that she looked after his kids and made his meals and kept his house for all the years he was out earning it

oh and if you're paying for your life insurance, I'd get it changed to pay it to your parents if it currently pays to him. I wouldn't want to leave money to him if I died.

All our money goes into a joint account and we both have completely equal rights to it. This has been the case ever since I started going out with dh and we've been married for 18 years now.

I couldn't have a situation where there was financial inequality within my marriage. If either of us wants to spend a large or unscheduled amount of money we discuss it with the other, but I don't need permission as such any more than he does.

I earn much less than Dh because I have been part time since DD was born and of course during that time my salary hasn't kept track with his. We combine both our salaries, subtract the bills and an amount of savings each month and we divide the rest between us so we both have the same amount of disposable income each month.
Personally I think I should get more than him every month because it is more expensive to be a woman but that's a whole other thread.

Back up what everyone else has said. I earn considerably more than dh, but so what? It's all family money, it all goes into the same account. We have separate ISAs because you have to, but the rest is joint. I manage the money as it happens (because he hates doing it) but I do intermittently wave bits of paper at him so that he has some idea of what it's all about should I get run over by a bus.

What your dh is doing is Not Okay in a major way. Once you have a child you are no longer two separate people, you are a new joint entity (and the law agrees with this incidentally). He needs to wake up big time.

I came over from Canada and could not work straight away, the first thing my dh did after we got married was change his account to a joint account.

Yorkey, you have to stop making excuses for him. What if he sorts out all his issues and he is still a jerk to you? You are assuming that he is the way he is BECAUSE of x, y and z. Some people just are jerks - they don't need a reason. I bet he doesn't even have to make excuses for his behaviour, you do it for him. I say that in the nicest way - I have been there...
good luck

i know, i know, i know...but it's nice to have confirmation that IANBU!!!

You are being taken for a ride, marriage + children = joint account.
I have had a joint account since we were married, initially he earned more that me, I had a few years at home or part time amd now I earn marginally more than him. It's always been our money. I cannot imagine any other way.

Seriously, please see a counsellor, because you keep making excuses for his behaviour and how you need to make him wake up and see things differently.

Well, sadly, that's beyond your power, to make someone change their perspective, if they have no inclination to do so.

And it doesn't sound like he wants to at all.

He's perfectly happy with treating you like dirt.

That does not a healthy marriage or parent make.

You are MOST DEF NOT BEING UNREASONABLE