To stop DD1 age 8 from coming to her little sisters birthday party tomorrow?

[J2O]

She has been getting up in a morning and taking sweets from the top of the fridge, she has already been grounded for this and knows in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to get anything in a morning until i come down, especially things like that.
I'm doing dd2 a 1st birthday party tomorrow, dd1 is usually at her dads all day Sunday, but i said she can come home early for it, in fact ex ils are also supposed to be coming too.
Anyway i get up this morning, and she has been eating the little chocolate toppings that are to go on top of the cake, and i am so angry with her, i have told her she isn't allowed to come to the party now.
The thing is she is already overweight, which i have been fighting with for a couple of years now, mainly when she goes to her dads and his parents as they still feed her rubbish (thats another story) but i am so sick of worrying about it and there being a battle of wills between myself and her and them over it.

So...am i being unreasonable to stop her from coming? and if not, how do i tell the exILs without seeming as though I'm being petty?

blimey vera - could you be any bitchier? Have you read the whole thread?

ok maybe not said in the most tactful of ways but Vera has told it like it is, even if it is painful to see it down like that.

Lazycow is also right in that it could easily be a cry for help, take it rom one who has had lifelong issues with food because of childhood stuff.

Cry for help.
Poor little girl/poor mother

Sprry but, what vera said in essence if not in form.

Punishment should fit the crime, banning her from a family event is waaay ott and will only make her feel unloved, unworthy and excluded. Not your intention I'm sure.

If you're worried about her weight why not try and get her more involved with sports and activities etc instead of focusing on her diet for now.

Right, she's your eldest - downside, she gets to be more grown up, upside, she gets privileges the other "littles" don't!

Do you have time to meal-plan with her, include her favourite food and loads of healthier stuff? Can you bear to take her food shopping (I personally avoid this as much as possible, it is such hard work) and let her choose HER treat for the week and that can live on top of the fridge?

My eldest loves food and I so don't want it to become an issue, so I've gone down the exercise route. Swimming this summer worked a treat; he's now doing football. Could her Dad and Grandparents take her to some sort of activity - horseriding, swimming, skating - anything as long as it is going to burn energy and cake!

I'm not surprised you are worried and stressed by this. Think lovely thoughts, tell her she can come to the party because it wouldn't be one without her and that you are going to sort this problem together.

Have a lovely time tomorrow.

Right for a start children do not always take food because they are hungry or as a cry for help but sometimes just to be defiant. I should know I have a ds1 who is 10 and does it. I also like J20 have a ds2 who is also 1yr old. I am not with ds1's sperm donor and he has nothing to do with him nor his family.

Now I am first in line behind J20 in saying sweets etc are not there to take willy nilly.
I do not have a problem with ds1's weight as he is fortunate to be the "right" weight for his height build etc BUT it wasn't always that way.

I stopped ds1 going to his cousins party last yr for doing the exact same thing. He is not crying for help nor attention although I don't spend an awful lot of 1-2-1 time with him.

It is very difficult to deal with these situations and coming on here asking for advice and being slated is not very productive. So please people think before you type.

J20, I messaged you on facebook hunni,try and call ok.

xxx

Evenstar - you are having a laugh aren't you

'He is not crying for help nor attention although I don't spend an awful lot of 1-2-1 time with him. '

soapbox no I am not.He wants for nothing and although I don't get to spend much 1-2-1 time with him as a family we spend a lot of time together. Doing all sorts of things. well except right now as he is on line and so am I.

J20 you are her mummy and you should do what YOU think is right hun.

I hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow and enjoy the party

OK sorry i have not been on, I am trying to get sorted for the party. Thanks for the support form everyone that has given it.

LES i will reply on fb when i get chance.

i haven't got time to reply to everyone personally atm, so i will just have to generally answer what everyone put!

I have already told dd1 that she is coming to the party, I have already spoken to her about what happened this morning and I intend to try and deal with the issues that are going on at the moment with her including the weight (which, btw, i do not make a big deal about with her and she does get lots of excersise with the various clubs she does and on her bikes, we go out for walks etc) and her feelings re dd2 and my new partner.

Veraduckworthshandbag/Veraduckwortshandbag-she is not eating for comfort, she has a healthy appetite and eats plenty of fruit/veg, i should maybe not have mentioned her weight as it is not about that, it was about doing something that she knows she was not allowed to do. Although, as Fadge says, maybe your first post has got some clout to it from dd1s perspective, although it is certainly not the way that i look at it.

Wannabe-I think you could be right about the control thing, although, when i mentioned i had spoken to dp, and the ideas he had about getting some behavioural books etc, i meant it as in he was saying he was going to be supportive of me and the route i take with trying to help dd1 be happier not that he is involved in disiplining her etc.

right, sorry that i've not replied to everyone, however i have read everyones posts, and tried to take away the advice given frm those trying to help

you have had some good advice already j20 and you are obviously open to taking it, which is great!

i just wanted to add that I think more genuine talking and communication between you and your DD will help. She has had an awful lot to process; the split family situation/new partner is HUGE for a little kid, even if you/ex/ex-in-laws are all civilised and friendly with each other.

I totally agree with the poster who said give her half an hour alone with you each night. Do you read to her? If not I would start again, it can be brilliant and there are some great books for this age group that you could share with her.

And remember not to lump her in all the time as 'the kids' - she is 8 and she can be a good friend to you if you talk to her as an equal.

Obviously she is still a child but there is so much to be gained from flipping your relationship over to a more communicative one; rather than it being 'us and them' as in you're the one who grounds her, punishes her, etc.

Good luck.

HG- I do need to spend more time talking to her, I will think of an action plan once this bloody party is out of the way and hopefully can help to ensure that she is not feeling unloved/rejected/pushed out.

good for you J20, hope the party goes well. Hats off to you though for really wanting to DO something to help her - I'm sure you'll sort something.

kimi-yes she does really well at school.
she is generally a happy little girl, and seems to let things go over her head, but as lots have people have mentioned, that is probably not the case deep down for her, and i need to have a proper open talk with her.

Good luck with the party J20. I am so glad your 8 year old dd is going to be there with you all.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think that if you had banned her from her sisters party it might have sent the wrong message about food - eating chocolate is SOOO bad that it warrents being excluded from her own sister's party. If you are struggling with her weight, it sounds as though you need to be extra sensitive about what food "means" to your dd - many weight problems stem from using food as a comfort and are completely tied into a person's emotional well-being. So you need to try to make sure that she does not see her "comfort" as so wrong that she resorts to further deception just to get it - something it sounds like she already engages in by sneaking it from the top of your refridgerator.

Glad she is going to the party.

HOw overweight is she really? Have you checked her BMI? [[https://www.purelifestyle.co.uk/Calculators.aspx?idx=7 children's BMI calculator here]
I think you totally need to ease up on the weight thing, and treat her as your beloved child. Don't buy sweets or crap, and so if she pinches a few cake decorations, really, so what? It's not an armed robbery! It was totally OTT to even think of banning her from her own sister's first/second birthday! Why on earth would you even consider that?? Especially if, as you say, she cares for her so much. I am genuinely quite shocked by that. As other posters have said, what really strikes me is how much change she has had to cope with. Do not underestimate how awful and hard all this has been for her. How much time does she spend at her dad's?

I have 2 ds's aged 8 and the other to be 1 in December and I cannot believe you would even contemplate excluding her and to actually threaten her with that is outragous IMO.

Firstly if she has a problem with her wieght why the hell do you have sweets in the house in the first place? She has so much to deal with and probably needs reassurance that she is still loved and wanted. I dont know if you do this but it is so importqant to include her as much as you can with the baby. My 8 year old is so frustrating at times and gagging for attention, like mostr 8 yera olds. I am often tired from looking after ds2 and sometimes snap at him and have to apologise because i have been unreasonable.

You said the wrong thing IMO and should apologise and talk to your dd. It is hard having such a large age gap, I constantly feel guilty for not giving ds1 the time he is used to.

JUst read your post and glad to see she is coming to party. You do need to talk to her and give her reassurance and also 1-1 time with you even for 30 minutes.

I find it hard at times to find 10 minutes spare but recently been making sure of it as ds1 has had alot of changes, house move, 2 diff schools in 3 months, was bullied at first one. Been with my dp for 5 years now so ds1 settled with him, but sees his own dad every other weekend. Ds1 also called my dp daddy since ds2 arrived. His own choice and very sweet as they are close.

mabana, no i haven't checked her bmi but last time the school nurse plotted her on the graph she was on the 94th centile, that was about a year ago. I do not leave sweets lying about usually, and wasn't about what she had taken but the fact that she knew she shouldn't, especially as the rule in my house is that she must ask before she helps herself to something.

re-a lot of posters saying i was out of order saying she couldn't come to the party-I have have already admitted being tired and snapping at her this morning, ok, not ideal, hindsight is a wonderful thing, but i regretted it and I have already sorted that out with her now.

thanks for all the helpful advice

You could check it now - how tall is she and how much does she weigh?
I wouldn't try to hide food from her but simply would not buy any sweets, crisps, processed food etc. If she only spends alternate weekends with her dad, it is unfair to blame him for her weight.
Can you not have food that she doesn't have to ask for before eating? Give her some control in a world that must seem very much out of her control? Eg a fruitbowl full of things she likes, yoghurts, breadsticks, raw veg and hummus? Also agree with a small sweets allowance that she gets and can spend as she wishes once a week. It could be something you do on Saturday afternoon followed by tea in a cafe - some kind of nice thing.
Also talk to her about how she feels. I've just had a real heart to heart about my son who woke up crying about something, and he feels that his little sister is being favoured over him. Obviously not the most ideal time to have that chat but I feel so much better he was able to talk to me and I was able to tell him that I try to be fair, that I love him so much, but sometimes I will get things wrong because I'm not perfect, and I'm really sorry if he feels I've made a mistake etc we cleared up a few things I hope...

YABU

agree with scummy

what are you about enid?
Dittany-i do not buy sweets, the only ones that we usually have are what other people have bought us, usually for birthdays, Easter etc. No, she is not allowed to help herself to other foods, i don't see how it is a hardship to her to ask before she has something, its not like i never let her have food or treats.

Mabana-I an not sure of her weight, i will check when she comes home tommorrow.

she is at her dads after school on a tue, where he'll take her to get some sweets and then she has tea at her grandmas and i pick her up when i leave college at 5.30 also on a Sat- i drop her off at around dinner time and get her back about 7 on a Sunday.