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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop DD1 age 8 from coming to her little sisters birthday party tomorrow?

86 replies

J2O · 04/10/2008 09:41

She has been getting up in a morning and taking sweets from the top of the fridge, she has already been grounded for this and knows in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to get anything in a morning until i come down, especially things like that.
I'm doing dd2 a 1st birthday party tomorrow, dd1 is usually at her dads all day Sunday, but i said she can come home early for it, in fact ex ils are also supposed to be coming too.
Anyway i get up this morning, and she has been eating the little chocolate toppings that are to go on top of the cake, and i am so angry with her, i have told her she isn't allowed to come to the party now.
The thing is she is already overweight, which i have been fighting with for a couple of years now, mainly when she goes to her dads and his parents as they still feed her rubbish (thats another story) but i am so sick of worrying about it and there being a battle of wills between myself and her and them over it.

So...am i being unreasonable to stop her from coming? and if not, how do i tell the exILs without seeming as though I'm being petty?

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 04/10/2008 11:02

If she's 8 years old and overweight you need to hide the sweets where she can't find them and won't be tempted. I think you're beintg very harsh, punishing her for not resisting picking at sweets under her nose when many adults haven't mastered that yet.

You're her mum, you're responsible for her diet, not her. YOu have to keep this stuff out of the way if she can't leave it alone.

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/10/2008 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TotalChaos · 04/10/2008 11:10

YABU. You are tired and stressed, and the eating junk food combined with her possible weight problem have pushed all your buttons, so you have overreacted. If you are grounding her for nicking a few sweets, then what on earth do you have in reserve for more serious naughtiness . Agree with Colditz and other posters about either hiding the sweets or not buying them in the first place.

Original poster
J2O · 04/10/2008 11:14

just a quickie as i am on the way out
marmaduke-i don't have CAT but if you email me on j20baby @ yahoo . co . uk that would be great. DD1 does cross country and is very active at school now too.

Colditz-you make a good point, i never thought of it like that, I guess i do expect her to act a lot more mature than she actually is, although i had stopped leaving things lying about, I forgot about the cake toppings last night.

MrsR and Abbey- thats good advice, thank you.

I have just spoken to dp, and he is all for getting some advice, buying some behavioural books and trying to get this sorted or at least make some headway with all the issues.

I have also spoken to dd1, I have told her that she can come to the party but she is being punished by not being allowed to make the buns now, so she said she will just make them at her grandmas [grrrrrr] so i said, no, I will tell your grandma that you are not allowed to make them as it is your punishment, she wasn't happy but accepted that, also told her again that it needs to stop, if she is hungry when she gets up, she can have fruit until i come down (although its not like i get up late!)

once again, thank you for all your replies, you have helped me to start seeing things in more perspective

OP posts:
MascaraOHara · 04/10/2008 11:15

UABVU.

You will make her feel excluded and that you don't want her there, effectively implying that she's not part of the family and not welcome at a family event.

Don't buy the sweets or get up with her.. would be my suggestions to stopping her eating them.

If you really can't be arsed to get up then leave a bowl of cereal with a jug of milk or even a cereal bar.

Original poster
J2O · 04/10/2008 11:18

Stewie-i didn't mean you upset me, what i realised through your post upset me

Totalchaos-you're right, i'm fast running out of punishments, i need to chill out a bit more and stop expecting her to be an adult.

On the other hand, i should point out, that she is brilliant with dd2, loves changing nappies and getting her dressed, feeding her etc. I need to remember this when i am shouting at her for leaving dirty knickers on her bedroom floor!

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 04/10/2008 11:22

yes. you must let her be there no matter how naughty she's been. Very mean to forbid it and likely to cause problems between the sisters in the future.

Why don't you stop keeping sweets in the house if your little girl is constantly tempted?

debzmb62 · 04/10/2008 11:32

hi picking up on that your daughter is overweight ! my son is 8 and also has problems with his weight he has just been on a programme for overweight kids called MEND its just for kids and was fantastic it teaches them good healthy eating and shows you what some sweets and crap food contains you;d be shocked ! its normally run alot side sainsburys we actually got a laflet from the school and all the info about the programme is on the website i highly recommend it !its a 10 week programme all the kids there are overweight so please look into it
ps sorry back to op i think you should do what you really feel ref the party

marmadukescarlet · 04/10/2008 11:35

dirty knickers/laundry on the floor is an ongoing battle in our house!

Tinkerbel6 · 04/10/2008 11:44

J20 don't buy any goodies, whether its having them in the fridge or in a cupboard its likeing dangling a carrot infront of a donkey and throwing it over they fence where they can't get to it, fill a fruit bowl constantly with fruit and keep the fridge stocked with youghurts so if your daughter does get hungry she can snack on good foods. Is there any reason why your daughter can't help herself to breakfast ? my 7 yeard old helps herself to cereals, although I wouldnt let her make toast.maybe this is something yu can get her to do to give her a little independence

debzmb62 · 04/10/2008 11:50

my son has very much changed his eating habits ! if he,s hungry now he eats fruit something he never touched before MEND he still gets treats in and out
and on a plus to i thought i,d never see him eat vegtables unless they were hidden !

wannaBe · 04/10/2008 12:03

I don?t think she?s eating the sweets because she is hungry, I think she?s eating them because she can.

It sounds to me as if your dd has had a lot of upheavil in her life, and she has had no control over any of it. You?ve split with her dad, then you?ve got together with someone else and had a baby, and you?ve split with him, and now you?re in another relationship. And all the while your dd has had to sit back and watch her family fall apart, on more than one occasion.

And now that her dad/her grandparents are letting her have her own way you?re trying to stop that too.

She has no control over anything that happens in her life, even down to the foods she?s allowed to eat, and the amount she?s allowed to weigh.

So when you leave the sweets in a place she can reach them she sees this as a way to rebel and take back a little bit of the control she has lost.

You need to talk to her. You need to bring her back into your lives, and make her feel as if she?s important too.

But most importantly you need to leave your current dp out of it. He doesn?t live with you, he?s not her father, he should have no say in what happens with her. Sound off to him by all means, but don?t give him a say in the life of a child who is clearly already confused about where she belongs.

Sorry if that?s harsh.

girlywhirly · 04/10/2008 13:35

What about not having sweets routinely in the house, but giving her a small amount of money each week to spend on them? She has the choice of what to buy and find out how much she can afford with this set amount. You don't have any input into what she buys or when she has them. She can choose whether to eat them all at once, or eat a few each day. Do not increase the amount of money or buy extras, so that she learns that when it's gone, it's gone. It can be worth so much for a child to have a little bit of control like this where they make their own choice.

alicet · 04/10/2008 13:55

Honey sorry to hear yo'e been having trouble with dd1

Mascaraohara I think you are being very harsh with your 'if you really can't be arsed to get up' comment. You have no idea f the situation and don't know the op. I very much doubt that she 'can't be arsd' - more that she is a single mum who is probably getting her 1 year old up while her dd2 is downstairs.

I agree with others who say she is probably doing this for attention. From other things you've said recently about her and your relationship with her it seems as though you have got into a bit of a downward spiral of most of the attention she gets being negative and the 2 of you not having much quality time together to make up for it.

Would your dp, a good friend or your mum have dd2 for a couple of hours so that you and dd1 can have some time to yourselves? I thin trying to do this regularly even if only for a short amount of time would be really good for you both. Also try not to react so much when she is naughty (I now this is so so much easier said than done...) and to give her more positive attention when she is epful as you describe she can be with your sister.

Think you have come to a good solution about the party.

I think it's really very hard that her dad constantly undermines you but if you have not had any luck in getting him to understand why you are asking him to do the things you are then maybe its time to back off and not get involved - for your own sanity. If you are feeding her the healthy stuf the rest of the time then it probably won't do her much harm for the 24 hours she is with him I know this isn't right and I think he is being very irresponsible but you are banging your head against a brick wall about this and maybe you will be more relaxed if you can let it go.

Sounds as though I am criticising you a lot - I am not meaning to do so at all - just trying to suggest some things that might help. FWIW I think you are doing a great job with them both xxx

stitch · 04/10/2008 14:01

yabu, to the op.

Theladyevenstar · 04/10/2008 15:34

J20 Hunni ignore the nastiness you do what YOU feel is right, You are doing a brilliant job with both dd;s.

Oh and for what its worth ds1 (10) is the same with sweets, crisps, yoghurts etc. But I am not getting up at 6.30 with him to stop him.

Veraduckworthshandbag · 04/10/2008 15:52

J20, of cause you should stop your daughter coming to your new daughters birthday party, I mean an 8 year old doing something they should not do, unheard of!

Pack the old child off to her dads and have a lovely day with your new DP and your lovely shiny new child/family.

By the way it was good of you to say she could come home early from her dads for the party in the first place, she must feel so love and special.

I think maybe she is over weight because she is unhappy, no wonder your Ex and in laws feed her crap.

Also just a thought either stop buying the shit or hide it, then she cant eat it

glitterchick · 04/10/2008 16:17

I think she should go to the party but I would definitely not let her away with her behaviour. I would think of another suitable punishment.

Myblueheaven · 04/10/2008 18:04
Shock
Lazycow · 04/10/2008 18:13

I think wannabe is spot on

I always feel really when I hear about children at this age who steal food like this. It is such a cry for help and is completely a sign of a child who can't express her feelings. I used to get so angry when my mother tried to restrict my food and would eat in secret to get back some control. You do really need some help before your daughter develops a lifelong problem with food. Speak to your GP

Saturn74 · 04/10/2008 18:13

Your DD1 has a lot to cope with at the moment.
She's only 8.
That's tiny really - it probably doesn't seem like it in comparison to DD2.

She has a new sibling, and you have a new partner.

She's had a lot of change in her life.

Don't punish her re taking this food.

Get together with your ex and ex PILs, and discuss how you are going to all make a concerted effort to tackle any food issues.

Don't buy sweet food that she is likely to want to take.

Build things into your week to help her, and to reinforce how much you love her. Take her swimming, go to the park etc.

Telling her she can't go to her sister's party will serve only to make her feel excluded, and isn't dealing with the problem at all, imo.

Original poster
J2O · 04/10/2008 18:18

thanks to all who have replied, I am stll trying to sort things for the party tommorrow, so am not going to be on for long.

I think some people have got the wrong end of the stick, I do not leave sweets lying around anymore, It was cake topping, and it doesn't matter what it was, it was the fact that she'd done something she knew she wasn't allowed to do.

Mascara-it isn't that i can't be arsed to get up, i do get up with her, i was bathing dd2 at the time as she had been sick all over her cot and bedroom, and i can't be downstairs all the time when she is.

Vera-not sure how your post is meant to be helpful, but maybe you're having a bad day, just like i was this morning, whatever, i hope it made you feel better.

to everyone that has given support and advice, thank you, I am grateful. To those that have made unhelpful comments, maybe you should read all the posts before posting.

OP posts:
Veraduckwortshandbag · 04/10/2008 18:26

Good God it get worse, so you are not with her dad, you are not with your DD2s dad and your new DP is not living with you.
Her own dad takes her to the pub and his parents try to get her love with cake.
Your child must be so confused with the comings and goings, she is acting up to get your attention she is overweight and eating for comfort, then to top it all off you want to ban her from a family party.

She will hate her half sister with a passion if you play her like that.
She is 8 not 18, she is a baby herself.

I think you need to talk to her one to one and find out how you can help her, not punish her.

lottiejenkins · 04/10/2008 18:29

vera if you cant say something helpful dont bother eh?

Kimi · 04/10/2008 18:33

How about keeping "treat" food well hidden and rewarding her with a mini milkyway or something? I think the issue here is not sweets or cake topping really but why she is behaving badly in the first place.

Is she doing well at school and so on?
8 is still very little, I have an 8 year old too.

Hope the party goes well.