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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset because only MIL bought me some flowers

27 replies

mumsway · 02/10/2008 15:48

ds was born on sunday night by em section and it was quite traumatic, I was hoping for VBAC. My MIL was the only person to bring me some flowers when she visited on Tues. My parents visited yesterday with my sister, they brought presents for ds but no flowers for me which I found very surprising. Nothing from dh either. When I had dd 2 years ago after another em section my mum and sister and dh all bought flowers. They seemed to be all over the place which was lovely

I know my hormones are all over the place at the moment but AIBU to be a little upset.

I came home last night, and i am just debating whether to order some from interflora and send them to myself then when people see them I can tell them what I have done, then they might just feel a little guilty.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 02/10/2008 15:50

congrats on your DD

i know that a lot of hospitals don't alllow flowers so perhaps they were aware of that

ruddynorah · 02/10/2008 15:51

yes lots of hospitals don't like them.

there's some advice not to have flowers round newborns at all as it stops them being able to 'smell' their mum so well.

Original poster
mumsway · 02/10/2008 15:53

thank you. everyone else in the ward had balloons, flowers, cards etc. It was the same hospital I had dd in 2 years ago and they all brought flowers to the hospital then. There is no policy for no flowers at the hospital.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 02/10/2008 15:53

DS1 - place looked like a florist, couldn't move for flowers.
DS2 - Think I got one bunch

TBH, I would have preferred vouchers/money than all the expensive flowers I got with DS1 anyway.

Congrats on your new arrival! How are you both?

Pah · 02/10/2008 15:54

i expect you'll get some more flowers once you're settled at home.
they were probably more concerned about seeing you after the traumatic birth.
i hope you are soon recovered. congrats on your new baby boy.

TillyScoutsmum · 02/10/2008 15:54

Congrats on ds - sorry you didn't get your VBAC

YANBU (no woman who has had a baby 4 days previous is....ever...) but maybe they thought it was a waste to bring them to hospital and may bring some when they visit you at home ??

Original poster
mumsway · 02/10/2008 15:55

thank you lizzylou we're both doing fine.

OP posts:
cat64 · 02/10/2008 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

yomellamoHelly · 02/10/2008 15:56

I have to say with ds2 I got nothing. With ds1, like you, I was surrounded. We even had flowers in our bedroom and the nursery.
And because he was born at Christmas we hardly had any congratulations cards either. Have kept the Christmas cards which included missives re ds2 though.
All part and parcel of number 2 not being really big news I think
CONGRATULATIONS! though
Would have a splurge on the joint for a massive bunch and thank dh after they've arrived

Tommy · 02/10/2008 15:58

try not to worry about it - doesn't mean people don't love you - maybe you'll get some at home?

I didn't have any in hospital for DS2 and 3

Sycamoretree · 02/10/2008 16:02

Well, this exact thing happened to me. Overwhelmed with flowers for DD, nada, not a pip with DS (thought admittedly, DD was the more traumatic of the c-sections). I think people just naturally make more of a fuss with a first baby - sad but true. Also, your DH might have become to tangled up emotionally in the birth itself to have given too much thought to it.

I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatic time with DS's birth - tbh that probably has something to do with why your fixating on the lack of flowers - you need someone to acknowledge what a terrible time you've had. So try and prioritise achieving that from your loved ones, regardless of the fleurs. And sometimes, it's better to just blurt it all out than to let it fester. In the end, I actually just turned round to all my family and asked them where my feckin' flowers were. They all looked a bit non plussed - quite clearly it hadn't occured to them at all. Then they were suddenly like - Oh, yeah, flowers! Still only got one bunch though I think. Take care, and hope you're feeling better soon (and drowning in peonies).

hambo · 02/10/2008 16:07

Mumsway - Congratulations and I hope you are feeling well...!!

Just to let you know - I received NO flowers or pressies at all! My DS had large sackfulls of course! Sad to say, things have remained the same and when I visit rellies I am quite often ignored while he is fussed over.

I think your idea of ordering yourself a huge bouquet is a brill idea - go for it!!

Original poster
mumsway · 02/10/2008 16:12

Thank you all, dh has just said he's going out. Think I know where he is going!

OP posts:
mumof2222222222222222boys · 02/10/2008 16:29

YomellamoHelly - are you me??? After DS1 it was like being in a florist - I think I had about 20 or 30 bouquets. With DS2, more like 2. And yes christmas meant that the cards were few and far between.

YANBU - order some flowers if you want!

babymt · 02/10/2008 16:37

Unfortunatly it seems to be the case that people care alot less about your 2nd (3rd, 4th, 5th). No matter how they were born.

I got ALOT less help with my 2nd. It was a total shock after having an emcs with the 1st and everyone rallying around and helping out for weeks on end. Huge amounts of flowers and chocs. Help with shopping and cleaning and all sorts. Everyone we knew rushing down to see her. Etc etc

With my vbac alot of people didn't even bother to come visit us even some of dh's family!! And alot less flowers and fuss. It was a very upsetting time. Even more upsetting when SIL had her baby 7 weeks later (a much wanted girl after 2 boys) and everyone made a huge fuss. I felt more sorry for dd2 than myself. It seems so unfair on her. She also got alot less presents and people turning up at her christening.

So I really feel for you. Its harsh. Its a bit like "your old news now". I'm so sorry you've had a traumatic birth, having experienced PTSD from my 1st birth I know what it likes. Give yourself time to grieve the birth and ask for help if you need it

babymt · 02/10/2008 16:39

And yes I agree order yourself a bloody fantastic bunch of flowers and stick a card on it saying "To me. You are fab. Lots of love, me"

And mumof2 - 20 or 30 are ya kidding me?!?!?

georgiemum · 02/10/2008 16:39

Congratulations!

Don't worry about it - people expect that new mums get millions of bouquest and have no-where to keep them. And when you get them in hospital what are you supposed to do with them? Lug them home of give to the ward?

I bet when you get home, you'll be spoiled rotten!

Fimbo · 02/10/2008 16:43

congratulations mumsway

I do know a little how you are feeling. When dd was born all I wanted was a helium balloon (I blame pregnancy hormones). I was very upset at not getting one

Fast forward 5 years, dh certainly didn't forget 2nd time round - but I had gone off the idea by then!

OrmIrian · 02/10/2008 16:46

Same here mumsway.

I'm afraid that baby no#2 is much less exciting for everyone I felt quite neglected after all the fuss with DS#1.

Strangely when I had DS#2 DH finally have me some lovely flowers. Shame it took him three babies to get there

ditheringdora · 02/10/2008 16:48

Congratulations! tbh, I think people don't feel the need to fuss when no 2 comes along. I found it better when having a tough day a few weeks along to get a surprise bunch!

Of course, you've had a tough time so I would apply the mathematical principle of allowing yourself to be 75% mad at everyone, 25% sorry for yourself.
Book yourself a treat as soon as you can, and well done!

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/10/2008 16:55

I think I got one bunch of flowers when ds1 was born off my friend.
I was the bed with no flowers or balloons when ds2 was born by csect 16m later.

Congratulations on your baby, but I think that if i hinted at my dp till he went out for flowers I would be feeling a bit sheepish when he got back. I'd rather have them as a gesture that he thought of himself sorry. (In fact my dp would probably have been out doing the shopping to make the tea, not getting me flowers).

Why on earth should you want to make visitors who have come to see you, and brought presents for your new baby, feel guilty??

LuLuMacGloo · 02/10/2008 17:22

Congratulations!!!
YANBU. As someone else said I think your upset has as much to do with the trauma of the birth as lack of flowers. I felt exactly the same after ds was born (crash section, similar circumstances). When everyone came to visit the next day I didn't get a look in never mind any flowers AND IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Not a card. Nada.
Virtual flowers coming your way.

clam · 02/10/2008 17:33

You have just had a baby. Therefore, you can do WHATEVER YOU LIKE. So, order yourself the biggest bunch you can find. And stick it on DH's card while you're at it.

Congratulations!

FlirtyThirty · 02/10/2008 17:35

for you...I think guilt-trips are necessary for close family!

I told my husband not to buy me a birthday present this year (long story) ... but I have to admit that I was sad that he didn't manage to buy a card!!! FFS!!! I have since pointed it out to him to avoid the same thing happening next year...

balanomorey · 02/10/2008 19:21

Congrats on the new arrival. Know exactly how you feel. I did get flowers from some members of my family, but not from dh which I found so upsetting and I told him so!!
I felt that after 9 months of carrying his child, and the trauma of giving birth that a bunch of flowers was the least he could manage!! Still, all forgotten now, kind of! But I was really narked at the time - maybe hormones did play a part, but the thought would have been nice! So, YNBU!

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