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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I am being treated differently for formula feeding?

85 replies

discriminatedagainst · 01/10/2008 20:32

Name changed, don't want any of them to recognise me.

Of my NCT groups of 6 I am the only one who is formula feeding. I get on ok with most of the NCT girls but there is one who is a bit funny with me.

Anyway, we were at her house and two of the other babies were sick and it went on her sofa. "Oh don't worry my DS does that all the time" so they just wiped it with a muslin.

Anyway, my DS was sick and I said sorry and she made a huge fuss about it - went to get a bowl of water and some spray and a cloth to get it out and just looked really pissed off.

I really feel as though I am being singled out as DS is ff. AIBU?

OP posts:
preggersplayspop · 01/10/2008 22:02

I've been in a similar situation with my NCT group, its just life that some people you get on with better than others but everything feels so much more intense when you are on maternity leave and these relative strangers suddenly become quite an important support network for you. She doesn't sound like she is much of a support to you!

Over time, you will probably find the group meets less as a whole group and it will be easier to meet up with some of the others that you have more in common with (and prefer to spend time with).

Can you expand your circle of friends through other activities? Look in your library for mother and baby groups where you can meet other people or perhaps do something like a baby massage course where you can meet other mums?

Salleroo · 01/10/2008 22:10

I didnt get to do an NCT course and feel left out as I cant say 'oh, my NCT friend said this' or 'I met my NCT friends for lunch'. I feel like I've missed out on the little ready made bunch of friends. Now I'm not so sure. It's taking me a long time to make some friends who also have babies but at least I know I'm making friends with people I like and not snide bossy britches.

Poor you, ignore her. Once you are all more comfortable with your babies, dont worry she will no longer be queen bee.

As PPP says, join some groups, you'll meet more people (although they do often turn up in their little NCT cliques)

mummypoppins · 01/10/2008 22:23

go back to work............avoids all this crap completely!

notinlimboanymore · 01/10/2008 23:09

Why don't you branch off - is there anyone who you could meet from the group speratley? NCT groups are funny things - I went to one for years (formula fed 1st baby)- everyone was lovley then I moved and the NCT group in my new area was cliquey and bitchy.

Go to as many groups as possible until you find ones you like - toddler groups are usually welcoming to mums with babies. Grab the opportunity to meet like minded people.

MinkyBorage · 01/10/2008 23:14

It took months for my NCT group to form the lasting friendships. If you can avoid her and make sure you see the others, but things will find their natural level anyway. The others are probasbly thinking what a bitch she is anyway, but maybe no one has the confidence to make the break yet. Don't lose the potential friends, and don't let her drive you out of the group. She'll fall by the wayside.

Or. you could hit her

notinlimboanymore · 01/10/2008 23:16

Shes has probably got a crap life really and it makes her feel better to be mean.Sit back and watch.

spottyzebrahasthelurgy · 01/10/2008 23:18
Sad
notinlimboanymore · 01/10/2008 23:19

Why ?

EyeballsintheSky · 01/10/2008 23:21

I have this with one of my ante natal group. She has taken agin me for some unknown reason. I don't meet them all for coffee or anything but sometimes bump into them at the clinic. All the others say hi and chat. She just glares. I used to give a toss, now I just glare back. Miserable cow. Unfortunately she is the only one that goes to the same church and so her kid will be in DD's class.

Just kick her shins when you walk past her.

AramintaAlice · 01/10/2008 23:24

Formula milk sick does smell really bad compared to beastmilk sick, which hardly smells at all.

However, from the other comments you make, she comes over as a real bitch. Like others have said, she's probably insecure herself.

Just invite the others over without her, individually if you're worried about being seen to openly exclude her.

What a pathetic cow.

notinlimboanymore · 01/10/2008 23:25

I'd be more worried about bodily fluid on my sofa.

moondog · 01/10/2008 23:34

I just can't fathom that women are competitive about giving birth and pain releif. I've never met anyone who did this. What on earth would be the ppoint of it? I suspect it is new mother paranoia and nowt else.

nooka · 01/10/2008 23:37

I think that it is worth challenging when people make silly statements. Everyone's experiences are different. My group all had interventions (in fact c-sections) except two. In fact several had really awful experiences, and needed lots of support with the emotional fall out. In some ways it must have been hard for the two who sailed through (one very fast home birth, and one very carefully managed hospital birth). But soon enough we all had our different troubles, babies are a good equaliser. I'm sorry that none of the rest of the group have the confidence to object to the dominant lady, but they may feel if you don't they shouldn't rock the boat.

Re the formula yes it does smell much worse (I did both). Dunno why!

At my local NCT group one lady had a planned c-section in a private hospital, and bought a job lot of ready made formula in cartons. Everyone else worked for the NHS and were much more lentilish. But she was so completely different we had to admire her for it. She was just very brazen about her choices that there wasn't any point in challenging them . A bit of a mix is a good thing, but no point in spending time with people who make you feel uncomfortable.

MollyCherry · 01/10/2008 23:49

Are there any other mum/baby groups you could get involved in? I'm in Sussex too - whereabouts are you?

chipmonkey · 02/10/2008 01:09

moondog, my work colleague had a very difficult labour culminating in a forceps delivery. Her SIL said to her "Do you feel bad that you didn't have him yourself?" ( She had pushed her own baby out without assistance, apparently!) So yes, these women do exist!

discriminatedagainst, is it possible that if the other babies had puked up already, that it was nothing to do with ff but more that 3 babies in a row had puked up on her precious couch? Can't honestly say I've ever had a ff baby puke up on my couch but my breastfed babies have certainly made shoite of it!

And some women do go on about baby-related stuff without meaning any offense. I'm sure I do but I certainly would hope that my friends don't think I'm making digs at them.

If you are sure that she's definitely singling you out, I would just try to meet up with the other mums individually, rather than always in a group with her.

mindalina · 02/10/2008 01:20

discriminatedagainst i am in sussex also (though it's quite a big place to be fair ) but anyway, feel free to bring your baby over to mine and he can puke wherever he likes, i don't give a toss if it stains frankly

some people just need to feel superior and it sounds like she's one of those people. ignore her and enjoy your baby

sunnydelight · 02/10/2008 03:16

These groups normally splinter after a while, once people start going back to work and others realise that apart from pregnancy and childbirth they have absolutely nothing in common!

I was the only bottle feeder in my group, but 4 of us from the original 8 stuck together (and through lots of subsequent pregnancies) because we were grown up enough to respect each others' choices.

ghosty · 02/10/2008 03:22

I've been told that "You are not a real mother unless you give birth naturally"
Yes, people like this exist. I don't associate with them however.

fruitstick · 02/10/2008 07:08

ghosty who was this woman? I have a burning torch in one hand and i large stick in the other and I'm ready to go!

McDreamy · 02/10/2008 07:24

ghosty that's outrageous! I'm glad I've never met anyone like this after having 2 sections. After my first I think I would have burst into tears but now I'm a bit more hardened into motherhood I would very politely tell her to feck off!

Bumperlicious · 02/10/2008 07:48

What a load of crap! Having had a completely natural birth I'm going straight for the epidural next time!

SoupDragon · 02/10/2008 08:00

Get over it and move on.

You aren't being "discriminated against" for ff. She's not made you sit in a separate room to feed, feed in the toilet or insisted you cover up has she?

Do you feel bad about ff? If not, she has the problem not you and don't let her make you feel bad.

Don't organise stuff for the others and leave her out - you will come across as petty and spiteful (doing something like that is far more noticeable than a verbal comment or cleaning up sick. (and personally I think you've over reacted about the sick incident).

You are tired and hormonal, she is tired and hormonal, you are both tied up in the maelstrom of rearing small babies.

Rangirl · 02/10/2008 08:13

I would try and ignore her nastieness,she is maybe insecure,a lot of people would say to her I am glad I had a big bouncy baby and not a very small baby but you will not go down to her level!!Some women seem to want to turn birth into a competitive sport,in my experience it is normally down to the way the way they feel,they have a need to make themselves feel better by puting others down
My 2 dc were born by CS and a woman i met at playgroup once said to me I would hate to have children without the labour as i would not feel like areal muumy .Having delivered my DS1 still born at term I thought (but did not say Try doing the labour and not having the baby.As others have said just because you have had a baby at the same time does not automatically mean you will be friends Its like anything else some people you meet will be come really close friends while others ...

ChairmumMiaow · 02/10/2008 08:13

OP : it works both ways - we had originally one FF in our (lovely) NCT antenatal group and she tried to BF but got sent home to pump and bottle feed, so didn't have much of a chance IMO. She has been sensitive about it at times - nobody has ever criticised about FF (and in fact with babies from 8-10 months I'm the only one not giving any formula, although most are still BF some times) but we have naturally talked a lot about breastfeeding and she's ocassionally made comments like "why don't we get a formula feeding support group" when I was talking about wanting to train to be a Peer Supporter and I've felt like I've had to drop the subject.

The point is, we all had very different births, we all bring up our babies very differently and at times we've disagreed, but we've been meeting up for 11 months now, and haven't lost anyone, and that is worth all of the disagreements. Now we're going back to work/ending the maternity pay etc the support is even better because we just send out a text message when we're feeling bad and there's almost always someone to come round for a cup of tea now we can't afford to go out all the time! Or there's someone else to reassure you that going back to work isn't so bad...

If those couple of comments/incidents are all she has made, she's probably being thoughtless rather than nasty. If she makes more epidural comments, its easy to make a light hearted comment about 10lb babies and long labours to let her (or at least the others in your group) know that its a comment that bothers you.

From what you've said, I'm guessing you're probably feeling somewhat hormonal about this all and I'd just keep going. As I said, my group have been invaluable, and while I get on better with some than others, they're all friends now and I'd hate it if any of us lost touch.

moondog · 02/10/2008 08:52

Ghip, she is obviously barking then.

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