to have just screamed at my mum. i suspect i am

[ethanchristopher]

background info: i take my sister (year 1) and ds (pre-school) to school every day and back - fair enough im going anyway so you would expect me too. i also take my sister to all her school parties as they are generally on a saturday when mum has pilates and i stay and supervise her. whenever i take ds out i have to take my sister too. mum NEVER babysits if i want to go out expects dp or me to babysit my sister if she wants to go out. i share the housework, share the cooking & am basically a surrogate mum to my sister.

my mum said to me earlier after i asked her if she would babysit for me and dp to go cinema on friday: "no, when you had a baby you had to give up being a teenager, you've got a child now,"

at which point i lost it and started shouting at her that she was a hypocrit and that i never went out and that she should have learnt by now how to be a mother and that even though im a mother im also her SISTER not her other mother because i've got a child to look after and schoolwork to do e.t.c. and alot of swearing and general hysteria.

i suspect im just pmting and that what i said was a bit uncalled for

but at the same time i think what i said is true

YANBU.

If your mum wants you to babysit so she can go out she should return the favour. She is right that if you have a baby they are your responsibility not her's but then your sister is her responsibility not yours. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Unfortunately you probably haven't helped your situation by screaming, swearing and losing your rag - this will just make her think YOU are unreasonable. But I understand why you did.

Do you have friends who would babysit for you? From reading some of your other posts I think you are a teenage mum so that might not be as easy as it sounds...

Hmmmm maybe screaming at her wasn't the answer but I understand your frustration - doesn't really seem fair to me.

Maybe the next time she asks you to babysit for her/take your sister somewhere you could come straight back with your request of going to the cinema. It may be harder for her to turn you down IYSWIM

I can understand why you lost it if you think she's taking advantage a bit. It doesn't matter how old you are when you have a baby, you need a break and your family should help you out. Have you calmed down any? Can you talk to her and point out how often you have your sister so she can do her pilates etc, and that you just need a break?
Sorry I can't be of more help

"whenever i take ds out i have to take my sister too."

Have you asked your Mum WHY you have to do this?

im just fed up with her giving that excuse cause she cba to cancel her plans. most of her plans involve meeting up with other mums and taking sister so why on earth cant she take ds aswell?

since beginning of september ive been out with dp once shopping on a saturday without ds cause mum (for once) took him to a party with sister.

o it sounds so petty but its really grating with me

she just acts as tho because her and dad are providing the most financially that they can get away with me babysitting or doing them favours all the time

you are not being unreasonable, and all your points are valid. unfortunately you lost ground by screaming, but i can see that you must have been really frustrated

as your mum is being totally hypocritical

she is a mum, has she given up all her rights and her personality and her needs?

how old is your mum?

I was a mum at 19 and used to get that from her anytime I asked her to babysit.

However, I do remember spending EVERY Saturday with my gran who also took us to and picked us up from school.

What alicet said: Pot, Kettle, Black.

FWIW now that we don't live with her she is quite happy to babysit all 3 of her dgc's so hope your situation resolves itself given time.

When you have calmed down go and chat with your mum and say that you are happy enough to babysit your sister but you expect her to babysit for you on an equal basis. You don't have to be doing anything. Even going for a walk / window shop without a baby is a break ffs!

If it helps to formalise it print out babysitting tokens that you have to swap for 2 hours of bebysitting or whatever you choose

well because her and ds play together all the time at home like siblings, which doesnt bother me at all. but at the same time sometimes i just want to be ALONE with my child without my sister

i think ill just let it blow over and speak to her calmy tomorrow

she is being very unreasonable and treating you like a child

you are (sorry) acting like one (totally understandable that you lost it) - give her what for by not acting like she'd expect and screaming in future but act quietly with dignity and stop looking after your sister, she has fecking responsibilities too.

and hire a babysitter

mum is 48

can i have some suggestions for how to get my point across calmly. i do understand its hard to listen when your being screamed at

i have a short fuse...

make a list before you start. and be calm, stick to the point and don;t rise to the bait. choose a time you can talk uninterrupted.

so, your mum is maybe feeling like she is still young too and wants to live her life as much as possible.

as there is a big age difference between you and your sibling, maybe she feels taht it is unfair that you and her are at similar stages in life. IFYSWIM, so she is trying to shift the repsonsibiliyt more on to you?

you might be best to do that, things are usually better in the morning.

can i just say to you - you must be one of the bravest Mums there is, you've got a lot of responsibilities, and am I right in thinking you're (quite) young?

if so, YANBU, you're probably just knackered!!

im 15

how about:

i realise that your tired (they both work full time) but so am i and i made the choice to continue with my education and bring up a child which is hard enough without having an extra child that i have extra responsibilities for too. i know that when you come back from work you just want to relax but its not that difficult getting ds into pj's and bed once every month so that me and dp can have some space.

rather than: FFS its not that farking difficult to get ds into his pj's and put him in his cot!!!

I think that'd work. The first, not the second. How old's yr ds?

21 mnths. he's 2 on december 27th hes growing up so fast

bloomin' eck ec, you must be knackered.

tell you what, if you lived near me, i'd babysit you little man, you need a night out with dp.

is there any other relatives nearby you can have on your side?

YANBU. I think because your are such a young mum that your mum should be helping you out a bit more. Have you thought of writing a letter, it seems fair that if you do so much baby sitting for her then she could do the odd stint for you.

Good luck xx

my mum won't help me look after my two dd. She says that she reared her kids and that I should do the same ???
Anyway that would be fine except we were my aunts or my grans almost every weekend until we were teenagers
Tell her to cock off until she reciprocates and a bit of shouting always gets a point across better imho

pmsl at ronaldhino thats EXACTLY what my mum says "i brought you up so you should do the same"

ive calmed down now but i still think i should wait till tomorrow

all my family live in wales or up north except us lot so i cant get them and i think a babysitter would find it weird to be babysitting we my parents in the house

i think she tries to get away with it because they provide us with a home (well they should cause im still under 16 and their child) and financially offer well over half the money we need although we do budget ALOT

I don't think YABU but I think if I were you I would phrase your conversation/message differently.

How about :

I apologise for shouting at you. I know that I made the decision to have a child and that he is my responsibility.

I enjoy spending time with my sister and giving you a break, but in a similar way it would mean a lot to me to have a small amount of time to spend with DP and relax. Do you think that would be possible for us to discuss ?

Maybe too grovelly but I think your tone above is confrontational and unlikely to get her to agree to anything.

Oh BTW it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job.

you've a lot on your plate, but you are a family and you need to have mutual support, not feel dumped on

definitely have that talk

YANBU.
Do you have any relatives eg aunts who might either have a word with your mum,or do a bit of babysitting, or both?
you mention dp, does he have parents who could help out.
sounds a bit like your mum is punishing you, by not giving the support any mum should be able to expect, an evening or afternoon off evry now and then.
what about yur dad?

rookie - that sounds good.

i have compiled a list of things to say but i shall not bore you with it.

i will keep my cool tomorrow, and keep a bar of choc in my room that i may only have if i keep calm - that should help my mood :D

Good luck, let us know how it goes

Keep a cool head