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Original poster

Please help me with this letter to DH and tell me if any of these points are unreasonable

77 replies

totallypeedoff · 29/09/2008 09:45

Ok, to set the scene - DS is 8 weeks old, been mixed feeding him on Dr's advice (don't ask - big mistake) for 6 weeks.

DH has been gradually getting on my wick with the way we share caring for DS. I'm sure this is a bit of an old chestnut but this weekend he really upset me and I'm still pissed off so thought I should tell him really. I can't face an argument though, I really can't. So I'm going to put it in a letter. Please can you tell me if any of these points are unreasonable as I just want to get to the stage where things are fair.

Dear DH,

I'm afraid I'm still a little bit upset with you after Friday night. I know we hadn't made an arrangement long in advance that you would get up with DS the first time he woke that night. I understand now that you were confused about the arrangement we made but instead of arguing with me about it while the baby lay crying I don't think it would have taken much for you to recognise that I could have done with the break and just gone and fed him.

I know you work full time but I try my very hardest not to disturb you when he wakes in the night, and I don't ask you to do anything for him in the night. For the first time in 8 weeks I thought I had a chance to sleep through while you fed him but you refused and started an argument.

I understand that you are finding new fatherhood hard. I find it hard being a parent as well but I have to be honest with you - the hardest parts for me have been pregnancy, childbirth, getting up in the night and breastfeeding. I accept that you've tried to support me through these things, and that watching the birth was understandably distressing.

However, you don't seem to acknowledge that
these are things that I have to deal with alongside the general day to day care of our child. I amsick of arguing the toss with you over who's turn it is to change a nappy.

I'm fed up of you claiming that it's not your turn to give him a bottle as you gave him one 6 hours ago despite the fact that I've been breastfeeding him for 3 hours in the interrim.

You seem to be determined to split the load down the middle without acknowledging the many hours a day I spend feeding him and the broken nights that I spend with him.

This probably doesn't sound like much to me you but it is making me feel as though I am increasingly on my own.

I do appreciate the other things you do, especially the cooking. But please could you try to be more supportive and involved.

Sorry, v long...

OP posts:
ruthosaurus · 29/09/2008 13:27

Totally! Please let us know how the discussion goes, I'm rooting for you!

suey2 · 29/09/2008 13:30

you poor thing. I think you can tell that everyone empathises. Division of labour is always a necessary and difficult conversation to have, but if you don't get it sorted now, it will keep coming up. Even if you do have a discussion and he starts pulling his weight you are likely to feel better and before you know it you will start doing more and more and you will be back to square one.

I did every night shift for 3 months after our night nanny went (we had her for 6 weeks after the birth) and eventually got pneumonia. DH was very receptive after that and started to put in much more effort. However we are going to have to have the conversation again: he is now working hard and not getting home until 8.30pm and was away on business all week last week. He was jet-lagged on saturday so he went back to bed whilst i did the weekly shop, cooked lunch and dinner and looked after dd all day (she is now 9 months).He did help a lot yesterday, though.

And do you know the first thing he wanted when he got home on saturday morning? I'll give you one guess. (he didn't get it BTW)

I started the conversation yesterday by saying that we needed to change the situation to stop me being so tired- then i would be more up for it.

My point is really that from now on you will have to find a way to communicate unemotionally so that you can find the best solution: as every couple is different your solution will be different to eveeryone else's.

Original poster
totallypeedoff · 29/09/2008 13:31

OMG - He has just come home for lunch, changed ds' nappy and brought me a cup of tea and a dairy milk

Do you think he reads mumsnet??

OP posts:
HeadFairy · 29/09/2008 13:32

How lovely

suey2 · 29/09/2008 13:34

message received and understood i'd say?
You still need to talk, though

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 13:38

sorted, see she didn't need to rip into him and cut his bollocks off just yet..

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 13:40

I don't think you still need to talk that's making big issues of things, this one is resolved, deal with the next incident when it happens and don't let it build up.

policywonk · 29/09/2008 13:42

The cup of tead and chocolate is nice and all, but it's not a substitute for him doing his fair share. We'll know it's resolved when he voluntarily gets up in the middle of the night to deal with the baby, and totallypeedoff doesn't even know anything about it until she finds the empty bottle the next morning.

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 13:51

yeah but that was cos he realised he was in the wrong, you should take one problem at a time not build it into a huge issue and both get defensive.. it does seem to me he is working hard too and isn't sat on his lazy arse, he aint being sensitive which is different to not doing share

ruthosaurus · 29/09/2008 13:52

Especially if he says "But I made you that cup of tea, why are you still not happy, woman?"

I wonder if he thinks that's it, chococlate solves all ills (to be fair, Haribo actually does, but that might just be me).

Agree with Wonk - it's when they do stuff and don't expect a bloody medal or even think it's out of the ordinary to pull their weight that you can then call the problem sorted. I have occasionally caught DH saying that he will "help" with things - I try to say firmly "No, there is no help, just do" (like Yoda).

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 14:00

I don't think you should make it so 'us' and 'them' - my dp and I have very different perspectives it's much better to just reason the point, reach a resolution and move on!

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 14:00

or them out

ruthosaurus · 29/09/2008 14:09

I do agree up to a point but it's when the perspectives are so very different and there's a danger of ending up as the household drudge and maid of all work with nary a moment off that I take isssue.

Most blokes are pretty okay but it's sometimes hard to avoid ending up with the major share of the work, perhaps because girls are trained to be nice and do stuff for people from quite an early age, whereas boys are less likely to be expected to muck in. My MIL came round the other day and pretty much told me to make the coffee while DH was stood there as he'd just got in from work (so had I, and he's not 7.5 months pg!)
Anyway, gender studies 101 essay over...

Plus, raging hormones and sheer fatigue can make it hard to see both sides in a calm and rational manner even before the baby arrives IME, IYSWIM

policywonk · 29/09/2008 14:13

Of course it's us and them!

Seriously, I agree with ruth. The problem with not making too much of a fuss is that everything tends to slide back towards the normal state of affairs, which - for most couples - is that everything 'domestic' gets left to the woman, who becomes completely exhausted and yet somehow feels that it's all her own fault.

However, everyone's relationship is different. If a woman feels that she'll get a fairer deal in the end by the softly-softly approach, fair enough.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/09/2008 14:15

It annoys me when I am told I am lucky as DH does as much as he can with the children, it is how it should be.

I BF for 6 months. He would bring baby to me, doze while I fed and then wind the baby and put them back to bed. When I went on to using bottles and the baby was on food he really wanted to do it as he enjoyed it and they were his children.

I wish everyone would stop believing all this crap about how the H has been out at work all day. You have been at work all day too, just in a different venue.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/09/2008 14:16

And wrt nappies. I didn't change a nappy from Friday night until Monday morning. He just did it.

ruthosaurus · 29/09/2008 14:21

I think men need better role models than their own dads and single/child-free mates. Does you man want to put on some motivational new dad courses?

Turniphead1 · 29/09/2008 14:35

My DH's Dad used to say "oh the children were "MIL"'s department" and although DH fights against that, sometimes there are parts of him that feel the same.

He brandished an empty tub of DD's special non dairy butter at me the other day (actually kind of waved it in my face....). I replied -" please look in the fridge and you will find a full one. But if you ever do that to me again I will slap you"

(not of course that I advocate violence in the home )

suey2 · 29/09/2008 15:00

agree turniphead. I think it is more difficult if their own role models were pish

Salleroo · 29/09/2008 15:03

Poor you, as they say the first 3 months are the worst, and they are. Everything is so new and you have absolutely no time to yourself. The best bit of advice I got was to enjoy every minute ot it as they grow up so fast. My dd is almost 11 months and she is a toddler now and not a little baby any more : (

He sounds like he may be afraid of the change this baby has brought on his life. But tough, it took 2 of you to make it. Just talk to him, tell him that if you have to look at another nappy today you'll run screaming from the house. My DH was ab fantastic but there were days where I needed to ask for more help and I'm sure if you do then he will.

Re night time, make it the last thing you discuss before sleep at the w/e. Who is getting up to dc tonight.

I breastfed exclusively for 4 mths so it was just me and the nipper every 3 hours. Enjoy it, it will be over soon. I used to read books, fall asleep with her in the afternoon all snuggled up. Soon your little ds will be pushing you away when you sneak in for hugs. To hell with the housework, just relax and sleep when he does.

Just talk to your DH and let him know that yes you are at home and bearing the brunt of the baby care. But it is his baby too and he should want to spend time with your ds, whether its changing a nappy or doing the fun stuff.

Dont be the expert is brilliant advice and if dh doesnt do things your way, so what, as long as your ds is healty and happy just overlook the backwards nappy, wrong outfits etc etc

Good luck

georgimama · 29/09/2008 15:03

Don't send your husband letters (other than love letters) unless they are on your solicitor's headed paper informing him you want a divorce.

If I was your husband, despite the fact that you have genuine gripes, I would think "F* off" if you gave me that.

Have you tried having a conversation with him?

bossykate · 29/09/2008 15:09

policywonk, for once we are in total agreement. i have a "no surrender" policy on the domestic front.

ruthosaurus · 01/10/2008 14:11

Hey, totallypeedoff, how did it go? Any progress?

mumeeee · 01/10/2008 21:25

It's not normal to split looking after the baby down the mifdlle and argue about whose turn it is ti change his n Nappy,
Although I think your letter is reasonable. I think it would be better to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling.

abbierhodes · 01/10/2008 22:46

I agree with not sending the letter. You need to sit and talk, but I can understand why you don't want another row.
I do have a couple of pieces of advice...things that helped us in the early days!
Firstly, if you are off on Maternity leave, this is so that you can care for the baby. This is a full time job, and it doen't include housework. Once he gets home, you split everything, just like you'd have to if you both worked full time. The only exception we made was that with our first I did the night feeds, as I could sleep in the day when the baby slept. Once we had two children, the night feeds were split, as there was now a toddler to look after and sleeping in the day was impossible!
Secondly, we agreed that what happened in the night stayed in the night! We were usually both so unbearably tired that could get very nasty if a dispute arose over a night feed. We eventually agreed that it was just the tiredness talking, and didn't refer to it the next morning...it was very liberating.
Finally, rather than trying to divide the work equally, we pretty much work it so that we're either both working or both resting...ie, he baths the kids while I hoover/he watches a film while I'm on mumsnet! We stop either when it's done or we're too tired to do anymore!!!
Hope this helps!
Sorry it's so long!