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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm resentful - am I unreasonable to be?

60 replies

susia · 27/09/2008 22:42

of my brother and his wife. I know I shouldn't be but I've been a single parent since I was pregnant and had to do everything on my own without any support from his father.

My brother is my son's godfather and my son is now 5. He loves having sleepovers but never once has my brother offered to have him which means I have a VERY limited social life or opportunity to meet anyone new. I have asked him and he has always had a reason to say no. I have offered to have both their children to stay but they don't really need me to as they take it in turns to go out or away for a weekend or they stay with her mother.

I know it is not their problem that I am a single parent but I feel bitter about the lack of support (my own parents are quite old and not in good health so although they help when they can, it isn't often).

I feel so fed up with being in all the time and having no social life and can't understand why once in a blue moon my brother and his wife couldn't help. We live a 10 minute drive from them. Tomorrow we are going to my parents for lunch and my brother will be there as he is collecting his wife from the airport as she has been away with some friends.

Even when my son was very ill as a baby and I had to take him to hospital in the middle of the night and my parents were away, I asked my brother to come over and he did for about an hour. Then his wife rang and said he needed to be back to put his kids to bed. I am sorry for sounding bitter and maybe this is just me but I do feel hurt by the lack of support.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 22:44

anyone?

OP posts:

bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 22:50

YABU. I can totally understand where you are coming from and it must be hard BUT your situation is not your bother and his wife's responsibility. It would be nice if they helped you ou but getting resentful is only hurting you. Is it possible to swap babysitting with friends? Don't keep offering to have their kids they don't deserve it.

jamesmac · 27/09/2008 22:51

I think I would be pissed off too, it sounds like they have no empathy or cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes.

jamesmac · 27/09/2008 22:52

bloomingfedup - but the children are cousins and the OP said her brother was the godfather

pooka · 27/09/2008 22:53

I don't think YABU. It must be hard particularly when your offers (even though not taken up) are not reciprocated.

But I suppose it all depends on how close knit the family is. I have never offered to have our nephews or nieces to stay (dh's brothers' children) and my children haven't been to stay with them. DH and his brothers have a familial easy relationship but one without massive closeness, and while I like his sisters-in-law, again we are not massively close, not as close as some of our friends for example.

My brothers have no children as yet. DD has stayed with my brother and his wife (they offered, ds stayed with us because he's still young) and had a whale of a time.

But still, would be nice to have a night off once in a while. I think dh and I have been completely childfree for about... well never as a couple, but he has been away a couple of times. I went to a funeral with an overnight stay, and also to a memorial service with overnight stay. I know how to live the high life!

bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 22:53

Jamesmac - They could help out that would be the nice thing to do BUT they have duty to do so.

lilysmummy2007 · 27/09/2008 22:53

yanbu, sorry about your situation, its looks like things are really hard, and as a godparent myself, i always make the extra effort for my god kids who arent exen related to me, just my best friends kids, who are disabled and twins, and i always have them at least for one weekend every months where it permits. have you spoken to your brother about more support?? it could be the wife that is disuading him from spending more time with your ds or does not waant the responsibility of another child, but once in a while wont kill them! hope you find a solution soon. maybe try to make some friends as family sometime let you down when you need them the most

bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 22:54

do NOt have

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 22:55

I understand that my situation is not my brother's and it is unheathly to be resentful but they have done nothing to help and I do feel bitter about it especially as they are the first to accept help from her mother, paid babysitters etc

I know that is bitter and I'm sorry I wish I didn't feel that way.

OP posts:

bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 22:56

Try and let it go - move on and try and make some useful babysitting contacts/friends etc. They are not worth you getting bitter over.

thumbwitch · 27/09/2008 22:57

I don't think that unreasonable is exactly what you are being here - I understand your resentment but your bro and SIL are obviously selfish arses - what was your SIL thinking, to drag your bro back after an hour that time, why couldn't she put the kids to bed? for you.

As BFU says, stop offering to do stuff for them. If you are anything like my sister, there might be an element of "if I offer to do it for them, they might offer to do it for me" involved, which naturally leads to resentment when the other party doesn't "keep their end of the bargain". My sis has had to stop doing things for other people like that to avoid the resentment.

As for the social aspect, BFU had a good suggestion - forget your useless bro and SIL and if you don't have any useful friends, go and join mum-type clubs and make some. BUT let them offer to do stuff for you FIRST otherwise you run the risk of creating the same situation with the friends as you have with your bro and SIL.

HTH

fryalot · 27/09/2008 22:58

I can totally understand why you feel bitter, I would defy anyone not to in your circumstances!

I'm sorry, I can't think of an easy way out, but I wanted to let you know that I don't think you are BU at all.

Quattrocento · 27/09/2008 22:58

I think it sounds as though your brother's wife has issues about him spending time away from his children/wife and that is at the root of the problem.

You are being very human to be annoyed but it doesn't sound like it is your brother's responsibility really.

Why don't you organise a regular dinner/lunch at your home for your brother's family and try to bring them all a bit closer?

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/09/2008 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 23:01

I agree it may be his wife is stopping your DB from helping out more. I would'nt wast anymore time than you need to on them - keep contact for your DC but don't expecr help. They sound self absorbed.

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:02

yes you are right - I try my best to get out if I can not because I want to be a wild party animal but because I am sick of being single and having noone to talk to in the evenings etc. I am not unattractive, solvent etc but never meet anyone because I never go out!

I do have paid babysitters but they are so expensive, difficult to organise and make a short evening.

My son has started having occasional sleepovers that are reciprical and I am always very happy to do this for other people partly because it means I can also have a night out but partly because my son is very sociable and loves staying at people's houses and having them stay here.

I am also jealous if I'm honest, my SIL has regular spa breaks with friends, hen nights, week breaks with friends none of these are possible for me and I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am.

OP posts:

fryalot · 27/09/2008 23:03

It may be that they don't realise that your situation is different, as stewie says.

When dd1 was little and I was on my own with her, my parents used to babysit quite a lot so I could go out and I overheard a conversation between them once, when my mum was having a bit of a whinge to my dad, she was saying that her mum never looked after us as much as she was looking after dd1.

My dad replied and told her a few home truths which I genuinely don't think she had thought about and I noticed her actually offering to have dd1 sometimes.

Of course it won't work if you tell them, someone else would have to, so this doesn't help either, but I suppose it may help you to feel different about them...

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:05

babysitting circles - someone suggested -don't really work as a single parent unless the child sleeps over.

This is starting to become possible as my son gets older but when he was younger wasn't really.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/09/2008 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:10

thing is my mum has tried to tell them. Last year I was horribly ill with brochial-phenonia (not sure how to spell it) but it was awful. I had three weeks off work and was nearly hospitalised.

I couldn't ask my mum for help as my Dad was really ill at the time and I felt too ill to even ask friends although I certainly would again. BUT I did ask my brother, I texted him asking him to have my son overnight so I didn't have to get up to take him to school . His school is right by their house. He didn't reply but brought some food round from their deli (that they own). I didn't need food, I couldn't eat, I was coughing to the point of throwing up and had a high fever.

My own doctor knowing my situation suggested a short term fostering and admitting me to hospital but I managed to not have that thank god.

My brother knew how ill I was as my aunt (200 miles away) and my Mum both told him and that is when he brought the food round.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:13

I have to see my brother tomorrow as he is picking up SIL from another weekend away. They will talk about her going clubbing, meals etc ... I feel angry and pissed off with myself for being so needy and feeling constantly rejected

OP posts:

fryalot · 27/09/2008 23:14

why do you have to see him?

do you mean you are looking after his children?

I don't think you are being needy tbh, I think they are being quite selfish and twatty

oranges · 27/09/2008 23:15

are you sure he got that text? it sounds weird that he would just ignore you at that moment.

thumbwitch · 27/09/2008 23:20

Susia, he does sound like a blinkered, self-obsessed twat. Perhaps he feels somewhere deep down that you got yourself into your situation and so it's up to you to deal with it (DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS but my bro was like this with my sister, so it is possible).

Give yourself a break - they are being very obnoxious and unfeeling, you have a right to be pissed off, but again, don't create any situations where they have an opportunity to reject you. Leave them to their spas etc. Find other people who are NICE to talk to. In fact, after tomorrow, try and avoid going to see them and see your parents on your own, when they are not there.

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:20

yes he got that text. That is typical of him - to hear what he wants to hear.

I have to see him tomorrow as we are going to my parents tomorrow as my mum is going into hospital next week. My brother is going to be there as well and then he's picking up his wife from the airport which is very near.

I feel really guilty because when my Mum said he'd be there I said I wanted to go earlier/later as I was pissed off with him (she knows why and said she'd have a word) but she's unwell so I don't want to stress her out.

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