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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm resentful - am I unreasonable to be?

60 replies

susia · 27/09/2008 22:42

of my brother and his wife. I know I shouldn't be but I've been a single parent since I was pregnant and had to do everything on my own without any support from his father.

My brother is my son's godfather and my son is now 5. He loves having sleepovers but never once has my brother offered to have him which means I have a VERY limited social life or opportunity to meet anyone new. I have asked him and he has always had a reason to say no. I have offered to have both their children to stay but they don't really need me to as they take it in turns to go out or away for a weekend or they stay with her mother.

I know it is not their problem that I am a single parent but I feel bitter about the lack of support (my own parents are quite old and not in good health so although they help when they can, it isn't often).

I feel so fed up with being in all the time and having no social life and can't understand why once in a blue moon my brother and his wife couldn't help. We live a 10 minute drive from them. Tomorrow we are going to my parents for lunch and my brother will be there as he is collecting his wife from the airport as she has been away with some friends.

Even when my son was very ill as a baby and I had to take him to hospital in the middle of the night and my parents were away, I asked my brother to come over and he did for about an hour. Then his wife rang and said he needed to be back to put his kids to bed. I am sorry for sounding bitter and maybe this is just me but I do feel hurt by the lack of support.

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Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:22

I do avoid them more nowadays but my son loves his cousins and they love him and as an only child I think it is really important that he has that bond.

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bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 23:24

"I am also jealous if I'm honest, my SIL has regular spa breaks with friends, hen nights, week breaks with friends none of these are possible for me and I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am."

I am in a relationship and I rarley have these either! We can't afford and don't have much support either. Your SIL is probably smug.

cupsoftea · 27/09/2008 23:24

Just read the bit about having short term fostering arranged just in case you had to go to hospital - the fact that your brother wouldn't look after his nephew when you weren so ill, imho, is really awful. Does he know how you feel?

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:24

I think you may be right that they think I created this situation therefore I've got no right to complain (but that isn't true).

I also think my SIL resents the time my brother spends with me for some reason and I wonder if they she may be jealous of me for some reason? I know that sounds bizarre but I have coped ok, got a good job etc -

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Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:25

there have been times I have said to my brother in a moment of anger how I feel but not much. I don't think he really knows or cares to be honest.

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QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2008 23:25

The way I read this situation, is that your SIL is possibly the reason behind all this. She goes away on spa breaks, weekends, etc, leaving the kids with your brother. HE had to come home and put the kids to bed. It is odd that she couldnt do it. Maybe she has problems, maybe THEY have problems as a family that you are not aware of? Your brothers loyalties are first and foremost with his children. If he thought his wife capable to put their children to bed, he would not leave you and go home! He may potentially be in a very difficult position.

Looking back, what is your SIL like with their children? A loving, hands on mother? Is it your brother who is mostly caring for them, responding to them? Could your SIL have mental health issues?

Or, do they have any employees at their deli? Is it open late? Does the deli require that ONE of them is always in work?

I dont think you can rely on them for support.

thumbwitch · 27/09/2008 23:27

yes that's a bit more tricky, isn't it.
Can you just zone out and ignore them when they start talking about their oh-so-fabby lives?
Sorry, that's not too helpful, I'm trying to think of something useful you could say to them without it making you sound all bitter and "S'not fair!" - not happening just yet.

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:33

no I dont think my SIL has mental health issues. She is happy and intelligent. She does the accounts for the deli so works from home 3 days per week. My brother does work quite long hours.

I think my SIL does cope fine with the kids but is one of those women who likes alot of time away from them for herself. I might be a bit like that given a chance (although never have one!) She does jump at an opportunity to go on a weekend break, wedding without kids etc!

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Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:41

thank you all for your messages. I know that they are being selfish and it isn't me and I also know that I have no right to expect them to help me just would be nice.

Tomorrow will see them and will find it hard yet again...

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thumbwitch · 27/09/2008 23:48

good luck tomorrow, hope they aren't too obnoxious. Perhaps you could start a random convo about someone you read about on MN who is a single mum with no help, whose family can't be arsed to put themselves out in the slightest to help her, despite the fact that she regularly offers to help them...

Original poster

susia · 27/09/2008 23:56

lol thumbwitch - think it would look a bit obvious though. Sometimes I just wish they would have an inkling of what it is like for me and any other single parent.

I think they think, well this is my life, that is yours...

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thumbwitch · 28/09/2008 00:04

funny isn't it (not in any kind of humorous way you understand) - when I read books set about 1-200 years ago, and even more recently, it seems that families felt they ought to help out their relatives, sometimes to a ludicrous degree (new husbands bailing out their BIL's gambling debts, for e.g.), because it was their family duty - now it seems that one member of the family can be doing ok and leave the rest to starve (extreme) and no one bats an eyelid... and

Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 20:57

ok so I went along, the atmosphere seemed really tense between me and my brother. After lunch he said he was going to local sports centre (200 metres away) to teach his oldest to learn to ride a bike. His oldest is 8 but not got the hang of it and he was going with his 5 year old too.

I said my son could go too (as otherwise he'd be disappointed about not playing with his youngest). He said he couldn't look after all three but my Mum stepped in and said 'surely the younger two will just run around the field when X is riding his bike'. So they all three went with him. I didn't want to go as theres no way I'd want to spend an hour with my brother at the moment but didn't want my son to miss out.

Really, is it that hard to be with an 8 year old and 2 five years olds on a football pitch for an hour? why is he so mean? he is my son's godfather and his uncle?

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mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 21:05

I would invite myself round whilst his other half is away at one of her events and ask him directly, face to face

Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 21:09

I think he just feels 'each to himself' sort of attitude. What I find odd is that, if I was doing the same, ie going to sports centre with my son I would invite his two along as I would want my son to have company and it would be fun for everyone.

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mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 21:13

What about having the cousins over on their own?
Would he agree to that?

Ronaldinhio · 28/09/2008 21:15

I think that sometimes it's hard to come to terms with the fact that people and their allegiences move on and that seems to be the case here.
I don't think that it's fair to blame your SIL for their behaviour (although it's easier to accept) as your brother would help you out if he was interested in doing so. That's a hard message but the truth.
I also know from experience that if you give something with the expectation that the same courtesy will be extended to you you are just setting yourself up for a whole world of dissapointment. Now I only give freely and I mean that and anything I get back is a pleasant bonus.
Their world is the only thing that is important to them except when it's on their terms. Don't rely on them or expect the to help out ever and you won't ever be disappointed.
Build truly supportive friendships elsewhere...because someone is your family doesn't mean they will treat you well.
It's a pity because they are missing out on a much closer relationship wit your DS and you

Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 21:17

probably but wouldn't offer to do it in return.

I now have the major problem that my Mum is going into hospital on Wednesday for a major operation. The hospital is in London and for Thursday she will be in intensive care. I have Friday off work and want to visit her. If I catch a train straight after dropping my son off at school I can get there, see here for about an hour but wouldn't be home till about 4.30. His school is right by my brother's house and his wife picks up their two at 3.30, if I spoke to the school, he could leave at 3.45 or so so she could easily pick him up and I'd be back by 5pm.

However, I desperately want to see my Mum in hospital but am scared to ask my brother and SIL in case they say no/are difficult about it etc

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Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 21:19

ronaldinhio I agree but what would you have done in the circumstances? kept my son at his grandparents house when all he wanted to do was play with his cousin?

And what about my Mum's operation? that is the main problem.

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Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 21:23

I have tried my best not to rely on my brother but do feel so pissed off about it. Of course my brother is visiting my Mum on the Saturday and it looks like I can't visit her in hospital at all.

My friend's children go to school further away as well so I can't ask them.

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LittleDorrit · 28/09/2008 21:25

YANBU
But don't let it get to you.
I am in a similar situation to you. I don't have any siblings, but I have other relatives who don't bother to ever help out. I might get flamed for this comment, but I think we live in quite a selfish society, and I think people often think "it's not my problem".

Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 21:27

little dorrit - what would you do about the situation with my Mum - ask and possibly be rejected or not?

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Ronaldinhio · 28/09/2008 21:28

I'd have said something to him and shamed him in front of everyone but I'm an arsey cow and I think he needs shaming.
The other thing is have you ever told him what you need from him and how his behaviour makes you feel?
Then it's out in the open and if he slids away again you can remind him. Maybe he has some things he wants to air with you as well???

mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 21:29

Can't you send you son on a playdate? Get the parent of a freind to collect him and give him dinner?
TBH I would back off from asking them for help, have the boys round for my ds and not expect anymore.
It is hard to do but build up friendships you can rely on and let it go

Original poster

susia · 28/09/2008 21:30

he's not a confrontational or even very talkative person. Would probably use sarcasm to end the conversation and make me look stupid.

Just need some advice about my Mum's op if any of you could help please?

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