I'm resentful - am I unreasonable to be?

[susia]

of my brother and his wife. I know I shouldn't be but I've been a single parent since I was pregnant and had to do everything on my own without any support from his father.

My brother is my son's godfather and my son is now 5. He loves having sleepovers but never once has my brother offered to have him which means I have a VERY limited social life or opportunity to meet anyone new. I have asked him and he has always had a reason to say no. I have offered to have both their children to stay but they don't really need me to as they take it in turns to go out or away for a weekend or they stay with her mother.

I know it is not their problem that I am a single parent but I feel bitter about the lack of support (my own parents are quite old and not in good health so although they help when they can, it isn't often).

I feel so fed up with being in all the time and having no social life and can't understand why once in a blue moon my brother and his wife couldn't help. We live a 10 minute drive from them. Tomorrow we are going to my parents for lunch and my brother will be there as he is collecting his wife from the airport as she has been away with some friends.

Even when my son was very ill as a baby and I had to take him to hospital in the middle of the night and my parents were away, I asked my brother to come over and he did for about an hour. Then his wife rang and said he needed to be back to put his kids to bed. I am sorry for sounding bitter and maybe this is just me but I do feel hurt by the lack of support.

thankyou - there is a friend I could ask, I'll call her tomorrow night. Just seems so weird when they live literally round the corner to have to ask a friend a big favour.

YANBU

it is very normal to be jealous of your sibling even though you know that it is unjust to feel so;

I am jealous of my sister as she has two sets of grandparents living close by who help her and her DH out loads

where as we have none

I am always hearing about how hard she is having it from my mum because she is there helping out and can see that having little kids is difficult

I do have a Dh but he works really funny shifts so for a long time it is me and the kids, I have some rubbish longterm illness and it is a struggle

I have built up a network of friends who are in a similar position and we try and help each other out - but it is difficult because in the middle of the night/day when I am ill and DH is working there literally is no one to turn to

sorry for ranting, never really thought about how resentful I am before!

sometimes I have to say I actually feel like hatred towards them. I know it is awful and really bad for me and I need to let go of it but being with them makes me so angry and resentful.

I wish he wasn't my son's godfather and I wish he wasn't my brother

I don't have siblings, so I don't really understand how it works. Are/ were you and your brother close? If so, I can see why you would be upset. If not, maybe he just doesn't think. Or maybe he/ SIL think that if they offer once it will set some sort of precendent and they will end up helping out more than they actually want- not saying this would happen, it might be a fear of theirs. Does your SIL have siblings, and if so do they look after their kids??

Thing is, it's not good for you to let yourself get so bent out of shape with jealousy and resentment. Whenever I feel a touch of the green-eyed monster starting I ask myself- would my life be any better if the other person DIDN't have the thing I'm envious of. eg, would YOUR life be easier if your SIL never went on another night out/ hen weekend/ spa day? Would that help you? I agree with others who have said that concentrating on building a circle of support with people who actually WANT to help you and be helped is the best course of action.

Susia, Just let him go. My DS is an only child with cousins that are old enough to be his father(okay very young fathers) He plays with his mates. I don't go any where alone 1, We don't have the cash and 2, DH has to work. At weekends I always feel like a single Mum and its not even DH's fault. I have a few single parent friends and as a friend their kids can stay over. Friends can be closer than family. You choose your friends etc... I have too admit (as you don't know who I am) the other side of it. I was a horrible sister for a couple of years when my sister got pregnant with a mad man. I was so cross that she could have done better for herself, not been so poor etc... I had also started a training course and job that was very demanding. After two years I came around and then had my nephews over all the time. I'm not proud but she forgave me.

susia, one thing I have learnt is that your family can be real PITA and that you DON'T have to put up with it and think "oh he is my bro so I have to love him"
My bro is a total tosser at times and I have "let him go" as Starbear suggested.

So don't feel guilty about it - he is being a tosser. You could have a "make or break" situation in your head - ask about the Friday, whether your SIL could pick up your son, and if they say no again, think "well that's it, never again, they have had their chance and they blew it." And let them go their own way.

And just as a confidence thing - he can't make you feel stupid, it is the way you react to him and you can change that - don't give him that authority over you, if he says things that would have made you feel stupid in the past, think "you are a tosser for trying to upset me and I am better than that."

You have asked for help on many occasions and it hasn't been forthcoming so I think you need to accept, however painful it may be, that they have made a conscious decision not to be your support. You can't force them to be, so you need to move on and find what you need elsewhere. It's a bit of a cliche to say "friends are the new family" but for a lot of people it's true.

I do wonder if the SIL is not a big part of the problem. The fact that she got him back after an hour that time...

Had a interesting situation with friend of mine. He had previously been very close to his family, but then started not wanting to join in, not contributing to family presents, not turning up or bringing his children to major family events. Turned out in the end that his wife was unhealthily jealous of his family and did not feel at home with them: she basically held the threat of leaving him over his head whenever he showed signs of wanting to do anything for them. He was quite a needy person with a desperate need to be in a relationship so that lever worked for years. In the end, he left her.

If the brother came over in the middle of the night, why weren't his children already in bed then? And why did OP need him to come over anywhere if she was heading to hospital, or was this for moral support / another opinion before the decision to go to hospital?
Sorry, I'm probably nitpicking...

He sounds like a lousy God-father, and not so great brother. Is there an after-school club your DS could go to during the hospital visit, Susia?

I'd ask the brother, then when he says no ask a Friend about picking the DS up on the day you want to visit your mum.