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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to phone dd at least once a day when he is away on holiday?

60 replies

lilymolly · 26/09/2008 19:15

Was on other thread yesterday asking if it was right to be bitter about dp going away to magaluf for 5 days leaving me (pregnant) and dd 2.7- General conscenus was he was ok to go, but that I should make sure I get some time away too. Fair point

Any how- he went away Thursday am- and has not rang home at all to either speak to me or dd

Its really made me upset and I am trying hard not to cry.
FFS he has a mobile phone and its not as though its difficult to call from a pay phone.

OP posts:
lingle · 26/09/2008 19:31

ooh lilymolly, I get so when DH goes away. much sympathy.

JuneBugJen · 26/09/2008 19:34

Not too fussed!! Feel for you but personally don't need to hear from DH every night when he's away.

Hope he is having a good time so that he can make up lots of childcare and pampering for you to make it up!!

HonoriaGlossop · 26/09/2008 19:39

DH was away on a course last week and I arranged with him that I would phone his mobile each evening so that he could say goodnight to DS. Why not phone him tonight? Seems like he's thinking in a very male 'switched off because i'm away' mode. phone him, tell him DD wants to say good night to him and that you'll phone again at the same time each evening

Doesn't have to be a biggie - don't sit there getting upset, phone and make arrangements!

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 19:42

DD already gone to bed.
Maybe being petty- but if he doesnt give us a single thought whilst he has all the stress of sitting in the sun and drinking beer then fuck him

I have looked after dd all day walked dogs, and cooked meals and shopped all with a 16 week nauseous pregnancy and I have managed to think about him.

So going to be petty and not ring him and see how long it is

God do I sound like a child?

I am sooooooo angry though and sad x

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 26/09/2008 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 19:52

Yes Ruby, although he did ask permission and it was granted

I have been told on another thread that It was my fault for letting himn go away, but I still think he should call me/dd

OP posts:
JuneBugJen · 26/09/2008 19:54

That is petty Lily. Perhaps its the baby talking?!

I would hate it if DH begrudged me time away with my friends. It sounds as though you weren't happy about him going away in the first place which is why you aren't happy about it now.
Look, stop festering and go and get a big bowl of something which wont make you nauseated and curl up on the sofa. Text him about how much you love him and he will get a lovely glow from it and look forward to coming home.

With men I'm afraid it is often out of sight, out of mind! They are arses, but you know that so dont let it spoil your night.

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 19:57

you are obv a much bigger person than me JuneBugBear

the thing is I fester on things like this, and use this behaviour as a reason for me to doubt that he cares about me and dd iyswim?

Eyes filling with tears now

Like how can he not speak to dd

It makes me think he does not give a shit about us.

OP posts:
JuneBugJen · 26/09/2008 20:02

He does care...totally. Its just that he has testes and is therefore a fuckwit about the finer points of these things!
I'm definately not the bigger person (after all, I'm only 5'0''), just cant be arsed to hear the minutiae of all the jolly drunken japes DH and his friends get up to blathered onto the phone.

I bug the life out of my DH whenever we go away for a night or so by insisting on phoning my mum to hear how the dcs are (usually it is v mundane!) He would happily call 5 mins before end of holiday.

Don't be sad, give the baby a hug and just think of the minutes you have saved having avoided listening to drunken crap on the phone!

SlurZoom · 26/09/2008 20:02

try not to fester that will only make things worse.

It isn't necessarily an indication of whether he cares or not. He is probably just busy and caught up in things.
Phone him and reassure yourself

But maybe don't phone if you are think you're going to get cross and upset with him over phone, because then he'll have a shit time and it won't have helped you either.

Don't be sad, surely if he didn't give a shit about you he wouldn't have even asked how you felt about him going?

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 20:07

Did you make your expectations explicit? Because I find we do this. We expect something without saying it, and then turn it into a test of love. It isn't.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 20:08

Ooh - I sound harsh. Sorry

But I'm right too

PootyApplewater · 26/09/2008 20:09

yanbu

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 20:10

No TfallenMad we did not

Yes you are harsh

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 20:13

The thing is, he obviously behaves differently to how you would in the same situation. Just because you would call every day doesn't mean he doesn't care because he doesn't.

Without being too stereotypical, this is what men are like, they compartmentalise much more succesfully than most women.

He's on holiday with his mates. This doesn't mean he suddenly doesn't care about you or DD, just that he doesn't feel he has to show that he cares by calling.

He probably has the assumption that you already know how much he cares and loves you both and therefore doesn't need to call and validate you.

Don't make this into a big issue.

If you want to speak to him, call him. He's not a mind reader is he?

Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 20:15

TheFallenMadonna is right.

Helsbels4 · 26/09/2008 20:16

Yanbu I don't think. Even if he's having the time of his life, surely he'd want to speak to you and DD? How tricky is it to find time during the day to text or phone? I don't get all this "Well he's a man". Yes he is, with a dp, dd and a child on the way - he was adult enough then . I go camping for the weekend once a year with some girlfriends but although it's great to have a break and be away having a laugh, I miss DH and DC's like mad and am always texting and ringing. Give him a ring and tell him you're missing him

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 20:18

Oh helsbels4 now you sound like me and we may share a common forename
You speaketh the most sense so far

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 20:21

you mean her opinions match yours as closely as possible so far?

So, did you come here for advice or just to have your own preconceptions and opinions validated?

2point4kids · 26/09/2008 20:28

It does sound a bit like you didnt actually want him to go so now you are unhappy more with that than with not phoning iyswim although the not phoning cant help.

He only went yesterday so thats not too long for him to have not spoken to you or DD.
It's a shame that he hadnt called or texted to let you know he landed safely, but on the other hand you could call or text him too...

Try not to spend the whole week thinking in terms of 'I've done ALL this today and he's sitting on a beach grr', try to have a fun week with DD and make the most of your time alone together.
Call or text your DP and say hope he got there ok and can he call DD tomorrow as she missed him tonight.
and.....When he gets home make sure you get a break too!

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 20:30

Oh overmydeadboby I was only joking hence the

Actually the more posts I read its nice to hear other peoples points of views and its interesting to hear their view- and sometimes can be comforting to look at it from another perspective including your own opinion.

Surely the whole point btw of posting on an internet forum is to get a bit of both advice and validation no need to be about it at all.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 20:35

Well glad you where only joking.

It just gets a bit annoying sometimes when you post good advice tryiing ot help the op and they seem to just dismiss what you say because it doesn't fit with what they've already made their mind up to think, that's all. Ignore the now.

It must be frustrating for you, but try to remember that you have the power and decision as to whether you make this into a big deal (which won't be nice for either of you and will only end in tears) or make the decision not to make it into a big deal, and not have a go at him simply vecause his expectations are different from yours.

Original poster
lilymolly · 26/09/2008 20:38

Ok good advice given by both you and others

I think you are right to question my expectation and yes he prob does not think the same as me.
But please forgive me for being I will blame the pregnancy hormones

OP posts:
Bramshott · 26/09/2008 20:42

Do you normally speak every day when you're apart? I know some people do, but personally DH and I have never really called each other when we're apart unless it's to say "coming home now, expect me back at..." I don't know what I'm trying to say really, just that different people have different expectations, but it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

Overmydeadbody · 26/09/2008 20:42

You're allowed to be sad! Don't take it out on your DP though, just make sure he returns the favour and lets you have some time off once he is back!

I hope you feel better soon