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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to make my idiotic son apologise

26 replies

nametaken · 26/09/2008 17:17

last week on the school bus a boy who was bigger and older than my son hit him, so my son hit him back once and really hurt him. Fair enough, I thought.

Today, a girl on the bus is being annoying, saying stuiped things to him, calling him a jew, and my ass of a son hit her in the head. twice. and made her cry.

I can't let that go can I, even though she was being annoying. I mean, boy's can't hit girls can they? It wasn't even self-defence.

He is grounded for the week-end and I am going round the girls house whose mother is a friend of mine (FFS, it's always a friend they embarres you with isn't it) to make him apologise later.

I have put the fear of God into him now by saying, and so-and-so's Dad will probably have a go at you too.

AIBU? Is this enough punishment, or should there be more. If they misbehave on the school bus they can be banned from it for a week then yours truly has to make a 25 mile round trip twice a farking day.

OP posts:

Lazarou · 26/09/2008 17:24

Is it terrible to say that she sounded like she deserved it? She was mocking him and generally being a twat by the sounds of it.

Oh, I don't know, sounds like the punishment you've doled out is enough.

Original poster

nametaken · 26/09/2008 17:26

But that's what I'm struggling with.

Does being a twat and mocking someone mean it's OK to hit them hard enough to make them cry? Shouldn't he rise above it?

OP posts:

Lazarou · 26/09/2008 17:27

How old is he?

Wizzska · 26/09/2008 17:27

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I think that should be enough punishment though if he knows what he did was wrong. I would try to slip in to the conversation with her parents why she got hit though, if at all possible. The little girl wasn't being very saintly either.

MrsDougRoss · 26/09/2008 17:27

Sorry but I think he should apologise, but then he may be confused, if it was ok to hit the big boy who was upsetting him why not the girl.

ComeOVeneer · 26/09/2008 17:28

Sorry nametaken, but I would expect an apology to be said in both cases. Hopefully the first boy would apologise back, but hitting whatever the provocation is a no-no in my book.

OrmIrian · 26/09/2008 17:28

Hmmmm....I've always found it a bit annoying, that rules that says boys can't hit girls if they can hit other boys. I think the rule should be no hitting.... easier said that done I know.

However, I think the girl needs to be told not to say offensive things too and made to apologise to your DS. And your son needs to be made to apologise to her, and if her dad wants to have a word that's fine. And that has to be the end of it.

But make it clear to him what it would mean if he is banned from the bus. Make him pay for your extra petrol with his pocket money perhaps? Or do some job around the house to earn money for it.

Original poster

nametaken · 26/09/2008 17:30

He is 11 and in the other incident with the bigger boy, he hit my son quite a few times before my son warned him and then eventually wholloped him hard - that's why I didn't make him apologise.

Oh God, why does being a parent have to be so flipping hard.

OP posts:

staranise · 26/09/2008 17:30

Agree I would expect him to apologise as hitting is never permissible and he has to learn not to rise to the bait (if only because in doing so he'll only make more trouble for himself like getting banned from the bus).

But he was provoked and I think you've given him sufficient punishment. How old is he?

Chequers · 26/09/2008 17:33

I think you should bollock him for hitting her. Otherwise he might learn that hitting is an acceptable response to being called names. What happens then if in the future his wife calls him something he doesn't like, should he give her a slap?

Combustiblelemon · 26/09/2008 17:35

Hmm. A big part of me thinks that she got exactly what she deserved for being so horrible, but it's not ok to hit people in response to verbal provocation. Yes to the apology, though also to letting the girl's parents know what she said.

For your son, possibly a chat about the different ways of sticking up for himself. If someone keeps hitting him, he knows how to deal with it, but perhaps he doesn't get how to defend himself from verbal bullying, which can hurt just as much.

Lazarou · 26/09/2008 17:36

I remember when I was about 11 a friend of mine had a big fight with an older boy. I think when you are that age you don't really think about the rights and wrongs of the situation. It's more to do with protecting yourself.
In your ds's case I imagine she wouldn't stop goading him, and if it was in front of people on the bus they were probably having a little laugh as well.
So, he lashed out to shut her up. I'm not saying it's right, but it can't have been pleasant for him.

ComeOVeneer · 26/09/2008 17:37

Had the first incident not occured do you think he would have resorted to hitting her? It seems strange that you say he resisted retaliating with the boy putting up with being hit several times, warning him, then hitting him (once), yet he hit this girl twice for name calling.

Perhaps letting him get away with it the first time has clouded his judgement?

Twiglett · 26/09/2008 17:39

yes he certainly should apologise for hitting her

but she should apologise and also be taught that using creed, colour or difference as an insult is so incredibly out of order that she should be ashamed of herself

ComeOVeneer · 26/09/2008 17:40

Oh and I do agree that she should apologise to and be made aware how offensive she was being.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/09/2008 17:41

I would certainly make him apologise. I would also ensure that in the course of the apology the 'jew' comment came to light, at which point, if I were the girl's mother, I would be planning a pretty stern talk with my daughter.

Tortington · 26/09/2008 17:42

i take it the girl was 11 too?

i take the stance that you shouldn't hit until you have been hit first - if you are going to hit at all

so thats number one. she didn't hit him first.

number two.

i think girls and boys are pretty much the same until puberty.

puberty is a wide area so in my books i define that as senior school

so if a girl hits a boy he can hit her back - until puberty ( senior school)

thats what i call fair and square.

i had always brought my son up not to hit.

then circumstances meant that we had to move to a really rough council estate - suddenly my lad was being dragged around by girls.

he wouldn't hit them and they took advantage of this fact.

hence My own personal interpretation above

pagwatch · 26/09/2008 17:48

you shouldn't hit someone unless it is self defence.
the factthat she was being a pain inthe arse does not entitle him to hit her. You are handling it well.
But i think that in takingthe moral highground and apologising to your friend you should make sure that they know what provoked him.
It doesn't excuse it but she should def be in trouble for her behaviour.

noonki · 26/09/2008 17:56

she shouldn't have been name calling (racist name calling at that) he shouldn't have hit,

maybe talk to him about how he could have differently handled the situation

they should both me made to apologise.

I don't go for the girl/boy thing, just should all not hit. (unless hit first... until they get past puberty then sorry boys)

Original poster

nametaken · 26/09/2008 18:07

OK after I've made him say sorry I'll explain why he did it.

We're not jewish by the way - so no need for him to feel that offended, it was just silly name calling by the girl.

OP posts:

Combustiblelemon · 26/09/2008 18:11

I hate the use of it as an insult regardless. I'm not jewish, but people often assume I am. I've had 'jewish bitch' muttered at me by a girl in a train station- I hadn't even looked at her.

dittany · 26/09/2008 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 26/09/2008 18:29

Well, I think your son should apologise but her parents should be informed of why he hit her. If I caught my boys saying stuff like that I would be very angry with them.

onebatmother · 26/09/2008 18:33

Shocked that the girl thinks that 'jew' is an insult... Where on earth has she got that from?

I think never hitting unless in self-defence is the rule. Not sure about the girl-boy thing, it's difficult.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/09/2008 19:32

exactly what Twig said.

I would certainly make it clear that as Twig says, she SHOULD be ashamed of herself, when you go round to the friend's house later.

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