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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel betrayed by and concerned about DP?

98 replies

cryingbuckets · 26/09/2008 14:54

Sorry should really go in relationships. Just not thinking right. Please don't slate me.

DP is taking his children from previous relationship on holiday. No problem with that and no obection to not going as think its good for him to spend undisturbed time with them.

He told me where he was going and is flying out from Heathrow. I just looked at the departure board to see if plane is flying on time and there is no flight to the place he told me. I checked Gatwick just in case I got the airport wrong and again no flight. I phoned him and asked him to tell me again where he was going as I couldn't see the flight and he told me not to "interfere with his kids" and dropped the call. He's now not answering at all.

I just don't know what to think. He's not back until next Saturday and could be going virtually anywhere at all.

OP posts:

hecate · 26/09/2008 19:16

does she? Oops. I'm in trouble again!

Original poster

cryingbuckets · 26/09/2008 19:48

Firstly I am not a troll. I'm a regular poster who's name changed as I'm so stressed about this situation. Also DPs ex knows my normal posting name and runs regular searches to see what I've been posting on.

Secondly I think I've made it clear why I hate DPs ex but just in case it needs to be clear: She has attacked me in the past (hit me over head with a vase thereby hospitalisng me for anyone who cares) and has stalked us and we're fairly sure though haven't proven it that she's responsible for regulary cutting our phone cables. Therefore its not unlikely I'd hate her. She allowed DP to take the children provided I didn't go too - something I didn't object to too heavily as i don't get on well with them anyway despite my best efforts. It appears that she had decided I was going too anyway and therefore turned up at the airport to try to take the children back.

Thirdly I did say that DP was with police when he phoned me back, they hadn't just let him swan off with the kids.

Matters were resolved and once everything had calmed down DP and kids were eventually allowed to board a later flight (cost a lot to get transfers as well but don't know the full detail yet).

I hope that puts peoples mind at rest and reassures that I am not a troll

OP posts:

loobeylou · 26/09/2008 20:11

CB, what a relief, lots of us did fear there was something terribly wrong here, hope your mind is at rest now

BTW I have just read my last post and i was not saying I thought you were a troll, just explaining the word as someone had asked

lucyellensmum1 · 26/09/2008 20:29

blimey CB, what a terrible situation. Im glad its all resolved now - the ex partner does seem to be like a bunny boiler though. What i can't understand is, why was your partner being so evasive with you?

wannaBe · 26/09/2008 20:31

if this is for real then I'd go so far as to say that he's probably long gone and will never be back.

And that the reason you don't know where he's gone is to ensure that as few people as possible know.

Now that he's out of the country, I would put money on you never hearing from him again.

sorry.

lucyellensmum1 · 26/09/2008 20:38

please ignore my message from 5.59, i thought that the OP was talking about HER ex DP, not her current partner. It all sounds very strange.

lucyellensmum1 · 26/09/2008 20:39

wannabe, heavesn above, tahts a bit harsh

SlartyBartFast · 26/09/2008 20:44

oh dear

Easycar · 26/09/2008 21:28

I am not a bloke but I think having read this thread I do feel that something needs to be said in defence of DH who seems to be being accused of all sorts yet I'm not really sure he's done anything wrong!!!

Picture the scene. You set off on holiday with your two DCs from previous relationship. You have told current partner you are flying from Heathrow to particular destination (all perfectly true). You did not feel it entirely vital to explain all the particular twists and turns of your journey and did not mention it was not a direct flight to destination (you are a bloke and do not feel any of this nit picking detail is relevant).

You arrive at airport looking forward to a nice break with your DCs. Harrigan of ex partner turns up beleiving that you are actually holidaying with much hated DW contrary to express instructions given by exP. There is a huge scene upsetting DCs resulting in Police being called.

Then whilst all this is going on your DW, who obviously has trust issues as she has felt the need to check up on your travel arrangements is now ringing you up basically to accuse you of lying about your whereabouts. You snap at her. What person wouldn't!!! I don't think from this that he is being evasive. I think he is caught in a situation between two women who bascially hate each other and don't trust him (rightly or wrongly).

I pity the poor DCs who thought they were setting off on a nice holiday with their Dad!!!.

wannaBe · 27/09/2008 09:46

lem maybe. but...

op's dp of 10 years, and father of her child says he's going on holiday with his children. He gives her flight details etc and when op checks that flights on time it transpires that said flight does not exist. Upon asking her dp what the actual details are she is told it's none of her business and she has nothing to do with his kids. That in itself would ring alarm bells for me.

No-one is saying he needs to give her a details structure of his entire week, but to know where the father of your child is (as in what country and what part of said country) is not unreasonable. Telling her that it's none of her business is unreasonable.

This is a man who has threatened to take his children away from his ax for ever, and who then goes to destination unknown telling his now partner that where he is is not her business.

Suspicious? too right I would be.

Aside from the lying/shouting/abuce, what if something happened while they were on holiday? What if there was a plane crash for instance? It's rare but it happens. Op would have no idea that her dp was even on the plane presumably until she was contacted several days later by the authorities.

Of course it's her business where her partner is.

And I stand by what I said in previous post - if my partner who had threatened to take his children away then did so and refused to tell me where he was, became abusive about it in fact I would be wondering whether he was ever actually coming back.

noonki · 27/09/2008 10:04

Why does your DP run regular searches on what you say on MN ?

that sounds worrying to me, verging on controlling, what do you think crying buckets?

does it bother you?

detoxdiva · 27/09/2008 10:07

The op said it was her dp's ex who runs searches on mn - not her dp

detoxdiva · 27/09/2008 10:08

cryingbuckets - how are you this morning?

Have you heard from dp?

clam · 27/09/2008 13:37

It's none of my business what a casual friend or acquaintance does, unless they are the friendly type who chooses to tell me. My DH/DP however, is a different matter. I would consider it totally my business, as an equal partner, to know if, when and where he was going on holiday, particularly if he was expecting me to stay home in charge of our child.
I don't know the history of the OP's relationship, or whether he considers her the possessive type, but I would say it wasn't unreasonable for her to take a look at the flights to see if they were on time. His response when she queried it was unreasonable and unfair, I think, even if he was in the middle of a scene at the airport. None of her business???!!! I don't think so.

Easycar · 27/09/2008 14:43

If the tables were turned and the OP was going on holiday having told DH where she was going and he then decided to 'check' her flights and then rang up accusing her of lying about arrangements you'd all be up in arms at his 'contolling' behaviour. I don't see why you would need to 'check' on an outgoing flight. What difference does it make to you. If you were that bothered why not just ring or text him direct??? I just think it says alot about the relationship that the OP felt the need to do this and if you were getting accusiations from all sides you need the patience of a saint not to snap. It would really be her business if they were her kids and they're not. He's a grown adult not her possession.

My DP has gone on trips abroad without me leaving me to look after two DSs and hold down a full time job. I would only think to check the return flight so I know when to expect him back. If he's told me he's going to stay with his mother for a week in the Carribean (as he is going to at the end of Oct) I certainly would feel need the need to check up on him as I trust him. I would expect him to text that he'd arrived safely and maybe a call in the week for the sake of the DSs but that's it.

Whoopee · 27/09/2008 15:12

I'm not a paranoid or bunny-boiling type, but when my partner flies without me, I check the online departures just to make sure his flight took off safely, because I love him. Most flying accidents occur at take-off or landing and I like to know those have gone smoothly. So there's a perfectly reasonable reason to check the flights.

Also, the OP's husband has talked in the past about taking his kids somewhere where their mother (his crazy ex) can't find them. So with that in mind, and having found there was no flight listed to his destination, I don't think the OP was being 'controlling'. Be fair.

clam · 27/09/2008 15:23

I agree with Whoopee. We had some friends from the US staying with us recently and after they left, I browsed the airline website to check they'd got away OK. It's nothing to do with being "checking up," being controlling, or "needing to," just curiosity/concern really. And that's without the background stuff going on here.
And when my DH goes away on business, I don't just expect him to call because I don't trust him, it's because we're an integral part of each others' lives and we miss each other, and the kids, so try to make contact most days. What's wrong with that? And if he ever responded by telling me not to interfere with his trip and to mind my own business, that would indicate a serious problem.

Easycar · 27/09/2008 16:11

There's nothing wrong with it as longs as all parties are happy with it. I work shifts and DP works away so I prefer to catch up when we see each other rather than over the phone. Otherwise we use text or e-mail so obviously I'm quite chilled out about it separations. I would never think to check on
something I can do nothing about and will find out in due course anyway.

Obviously there is something not right in this relationship but I just found it strange that everyone jumped to the conclusion that male is running away with his kids on v little evidence.

According to the OP it is the ex who sent the text message about it being non of her business not DP.

LittleBella · 27/09/2008 21:58

But she didn't ring him up and accuse him of anything. She rang him to let him know that the flights he thinks he's getting on aren't showing up, and to voice her confusion and worry.

And I don't believe the ex sent the text message. Why would he have allowed her to have the phone for long enough to do so? Simply doesn't ring true.

Easycar · 27/09/2008 22:25

?? She rang him up to tell him that because she can't find his flight listed then the flight doesn't exist and she needs to let him know???? I don't think so. I think the subtext of this call would be that he hadn't been telling the truth and she wanted to know where he was??

I'm not saying I beleive his story just that that is what the OP said.

littlelapin · 27/09/2008 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maretta · 27/09/2008 22:47

This thread has become a classic example of when mumsnet goes wrong.

OP has explained a misunderstanding.

No wonder she hasn't come back, the thread is now dominated by hysterical doom merchants predicting the end of her ten year relationship. Think we all need to get a grip.

clam · 28/09/2008 16:05

cryingbuckets.... you heard from him yet? Any more news?

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