to be planning to drink tap water at a Hen celebration

[becstarlitsea]

I don't drink alcohol (recovering alcoholic, sober 12 years), so would only be drinking coke or somesuch anyway. The problem is, my friend is having her hen celebration at a posh venue - daytime. I've written a cheque for £85 which includes 3 course meal and admission to venue. But it's suddenly occurred to me that there will be drinks too, and the £85 is more than I would normally be able to spend on myself over 3 months or so, never mind in one day. And I've realised, stupidly belatedly, that I need to get a train ticket too. So I'm panicking now about what other costs there'll be. Would it be incredibly rude to drink tap water with the meal, and not to contribute to the drinks bill? Should I ask my friend first? Or should I just put up and shut up, and not have any money for a few months? MN jury please give me your verdicts now. She's quite a good friend, and we've been friends for a long time. We're not going to the wedding, because it's a 'no kids' one and it's over Xmas 100s of miles away from where we'll be at Xmas, so it would mean DS would spend his whole Xmas holiday in the car.

Talk to your friend. if she's a good friend, she'll have a tactful way to help you only pay for non alcoholic drinks etc.

Although the £85 surely includes the drinks bill?

No, not at all. AFAIK venues can't refuse to serve tap water anyway.

If you feel embarrassed about it, why not buy an orange juice, and nurse it all evening and then ask for a jug of tap water for the whole table?

YANBU, just talk to your friend. Be honest.

And I agree with BlingLovin..£85 doesn't include drinks!?

I would tell her, that in all honesty you can't afford the hen night but you want to celebrate with her so are coming.. however you are worried about the drinks bill and so would she mind awfully if you just got your own drinks but could she be a discreet about it.. be a bit grovelly about it too maybe?

If I were you, I would buy a coke and just nurse it..

oh sorry, x posts with loads of people

Your friend may have an arrangement that drinks will be paid for at the bar or time of purchase so a tab won't be run up on the table bill. I don't see why you can't opt out of rounds if you don't want to subsidise others drinking.

Gosh, you have more than good reason to duck on sharing the drinks bill. When I was pregnant and going out for meals, friends were always very considerate about working out a non-drinkers share for me and DH. It's not really like the I-didn't-have-pudding irritating bill quibbles.

Sounds to me like there are two issues here. First with the alcohol; you could ask your friend beforehand if she minds and she'll probably say no, but if I were her I wouldn't feel particularly great getting boozed up in front of a friend who once had alcohol issues. I'd also feel I was leaving her out.

Second, sounds like you're panicing a bit about the cost and would rather not go, do you really want to? Maybe explain all this to her and arrange to meet up another time when it's just the two of you?

Phew! This is v. reassuring! I hate being stingy. I'm meeting her for coffee before the hen thing anyway, so can talk to her about it then. She's a lovely person, I'm sure she'll be kind about it, but didn't want to be unfair to her and have people muttering about what a stingy bitch I am. Especially as we're not going to her wedding. And because I don't say 'Hi I'm an alcoholic' as an opening conversational gambit, and won't know everyone at her party, those who don't know me might have been thinking 'Oh she's no fun.'

X Post discantus, sorry!
No she won't mind getting boozed up in front of me - I've carried her home before now! When I was newly sober it was an issue, but not these days, I'm pretty comfortable amongst other people drinking nowadays. It's not like I was ever a social drinker (pissed in public - yes, social drinker - erm, not so much!) so she knows I'm not missing out on something I used to enjoy.

The cheque has been paid to the venue, so the £85 is gone either way. I should have thought about it more seriously before saying I'd go tbh, but now it's done, I'll go and make the best of it. Who knows, I might make some new friends

Also, I think most people are realistic about these things, if they know in advance. So nothing more irritating than someone who after an entire evening announces, when everyone else is pissed, that she's been drinking soft drinks and won't be paying. But when the organiser tells the gang in advance that drinks will be split a certain number of ways because Becstarlitsea is on soft drinks, no one minds.

IME anyway.

That's a v good point Blinglovin, I've never tried sorting it out in advance before, it does sound more likely to work out. I usually end up paying my share somewhat resentfully