to want not only negative feedback on my DS from his teacher?

[helpfulornot]

DS is 4, and he has just started Reception. He goes from 9 till 4, he went to pre-school at the same school for those hours for most of the last year.

For the past week and a half he has been playing up, and the teacher has been commenting on this in his homework diary. He did have one "good" day last week but no comment from the teacher

There was no comment in it yesterday, and he says he had a "good" day, but he said that the day before when he bit another child on the ankle because he was still hungry.

I don't know what to think about yesterday as the teacher didn't say to me he had been a problem, nor was there a note in his diary.

AIBU to think that given his past history of having behavioural problems for more than a week that it would be helpful to me and DH to know from the teacher if he played up or not?

I know teachers are very busy, but I think it would help everyone, including DS, if we all knew what he had got up to behaviour-wise at school, or is it "normal" to only report on problems?

Thx (ready to take it on the chin...),

Its really important that she gives postive as well as negative feedback. You mention he has a history of behavioural problems - has he been assessed by an EP at all? What strategies are the school using to help him behave appropriately?

In our school there's only a comment if there's a problem. I always asume if I don't get the 'chat' at pick up time that everything's been fine

He hasn't been assessed by anyone, we are going to see the teacher next week. We were never alerted to any "problems" in the pre-school. He seems to be doing academically fine (he says school is too easy if anything).

The teachers exclude him from play time. On Tuesday after the biting incident, he was asked why he did it (because he was still hungry), then they asked him if we eat people (and he said no)

We do now have a list of rules at home and he can recite them, but it seems that once or twice a day something in him snaps...

Am very sorry but i have just roffled heartily at
"he says he had a "good" day, but he said that the day before when he bit another child on the ankle because he was still hungry."

Good Lord! Are you not giving him breakfast??

Seriously though, he's only been there a week. Reception is a little different from pre-school because it's not just playing anymore, lots of kids find it hard to settle and socialise appropriately (ie not bite).

Teachers are really busy, especially i think with the younger classes as loads of the parents want reassurance etc. Would it be helpful if you could write the teacher a short note just to say that going forward you will be available at hometime every night if she wants to make you aware of any issues. And further add that you are working with DS on his behaviour and would appreciate her support by letting you know any positives as well.

I think wanting a daily update on behaviour would be difficult but if you could get the teahcer to perhaps let you know on a weekly basis that may help?

I am waffling i think so will stop now.

So was this past history at preschool helpful?

I have upped his lunch since Tuesday's incident. Apparently I used to give him too much - he used to get bored trying to get through it all, but maybe he's grown in the meantime and so needs more.

I see the teacher every afternoon, and we do write comments in the book ourselves about our approach.

Apparently DS is not the only playing up, there is another boy who was also in his pre-school class, maybe they are just finding it hard to be in such an intense environment for so long every day - I did start school later (5), and our days were shorter...

Yes you are right teachers are very busy, maybe I should just accept that if she doesn't say or write anything, she simply has nothing to report

Dustystar ?

I think that's a good idea. Say you try and practice positive parenting and would like to hear about his good behaviour (or even better behaviour than shown to date even if not "good") so you can discuss it and reward him at home. Maybe you could fill in the book at weekends so you are working in partnership with the school rather than just her seemingly grassing him up to his parents. I would make an appointment with the teacher and let her know how you feel and that you are happy to work with her on it but you need to both be having the same approach. try to draw a line under the biting incident and move on and try to catch him doing something good.

Sorry helpful I can see why that last post was confusing Its just that you mentioned he had a past history of behavioural problems and i wondered whether this was from preschool.

Ask them to put a sticker or a smiley face on a chart for each day so you know if he's been good or not. It would take them a matter of seconds to put the sticker on (or not!) and would be a good motivator for him - its important he gets good feedback not just a bad report.

Dustystar, we never had any negative feedback on his behaviour in preschool. The only "history" of his "bad" behaviour is from Tuesday last week.

Apparently he got a sticker from one of the teachers today for helping them, but he did something wrong with making beads (can't establish exactly what, whether he was bored with it, couldn't do it, but he was making fireworks out of them), and another teacher took the sticker away from him.

He then lashed out, apparently (based on what he told me) he kicked other students.

I always was under the impression once you gave a child a "reward", you never took it away.

I know DS was not blameless, but it sounds to me like the teacher (actually the assistant) inflamed the situation.

I'd take him out of the school over this, but unfortunately the options round here are dire.

Anyway, now DH and I have to go see the teacher, and the principal is going to sit in too.

Doesn't sound like a great idea to take away the reward, but i wasn't there to know reasons and nor were you. If you are saying you would take him out of school based on an incident that you don't really know the details of, then i can see why there might be problems.

Sometimes kids just do need to be told to behave themselves, rather than trying to excuse bad behaviour with a reason e.g he was bored / hungry/ didn't know what to do. Sometimes kids are just 'naughty'. Doesn't make them bad kids, just needing to learn the ropes and settle in and this will happen much quicker if you are singing from same hymn sheet as school. It's hard sometimes not to take 'criticism' of DS beahviour as criticism of us and our parenting but unless the school are terrible they would much rather work with you.

Re. the lack of comments for good days, i don't know how many kids in his class but a family member who teaches reception has 31. How can a teacher possible write a comment for everyone who is good everyday?

If he's only been 'naughty' for a week it's hardly irredeemable.

Ah well in that case its not really a past history of behavioural problems but a current difficulty with settling into school. I wouldn't worry too much at this stage as he's still very young and its early days. Lots of children take time to settle down to the routine of school. I'm not surprised that at this atge the teacher has only flagged up the negative behaviour in the diary but I would be concerned about taking away a sticker that was given for prior good behaviour. Very confusing for such a young child.

Its good that you have a meeting to discuss this. Hopefully you will get some answers.

Hopefully. Hopefully they won't just say he's on his way out...