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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a midwife should not be so bl**dy judgemental

25 replies

Reallytired · 19/09/2008 20:16

I had an epidural when my son was born six years ago. I had had a really long labour (33 hours) and after 28 hours I was shattered. I just could not take the pain any longer.

Inspite of the evil epidural my son was born healthy and I had no complications. Why should a midwife be so anti epidurals? Yes, I know they increase the risk of complications, but they do have a time and a place.

I do not think that I am lesser person/ mother for caving in to pain and having an epidural.

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 19/09/2008 20:18

You're not. Did a midwife say that you were?

Chequers · 19/09/2008 20:18

Sorry, what did she say?

Flossish · 19/09/2008 20:19

second time around is usually a lot easier... Just go with an open mind is all I'd advise.

LaVie · 19/09/2008 20:21

Did the midwife say she was anti epidurals or was it just because you had to wait so long for one?

I wanted one but couldn't have one because another emergency happened. My mother is convinced that this emergency was made up and that they just didn't want to give me one because they are too expensive I choose not to listen to my mother otherwise my memories of my son's birth would be even worse

You are not a lesser person for having an epidural!

findtheriver · 19/09/2008 20:22

What a strange OP! What exactly did the midwife do?!

callmemitey · 19/09/2008 20:23

Ours are all very pro "natural" birth here too. However no one ever said anything disrespectful iyswim? I did not have one but through luck in the end really.

A midwife should respect your choices and not judge you - has she/he said anything specific?

eddiejo · 19/09/2008 20:25

I once met a mutual friend who is anti everything in labour when I was 36 weeks preg., and she boldly said "you are having a drug free labour then?" to which I replied "no - I'm having everything on offer thanks" This is the same woman who gave her dd medised and piriton (suprise surprise) on the night she was having a chocolate party! Very opinionated and very stupid woman.

I bet your midwife either hadn't given birth or was completely unable to understand quite how bad some labours are.

You are no lesser person for having had one. I did for both of mine and they are amazing. (despite the drugs!!) You did really well to have a healthy son after a labour that long.

Why is it still bothering you?

mumof2222222222222222boys · 19/09/2008 20:39

I had a similar hideous labour (no sleep for a week, then all went well and "he'll be out in 2 hours" then he got stuck for another 8? hours and I began to lose it) with DS1 which ended with an epidural and thank god it did - I couldn't take it any more (mind you not too sure what alternatives I had!) He was fine but the forceps and episotomy weren't too pleasant.

As DS2's arrival approached I was started to stress about the whole thing again. Yes everything was going well (but it had with DS1) and I was just convinced that he'd get stuck like his brother. Therefore I WANTED an EPIDURAL. So I went into hospital at midnight (demanding an epidural). The midwife was fine, but said they would see how things were going...no epidural just yet and anyway the anaesthetists were busy . I was shouting for the epidural almost non stop. Then she wanted to break the waters which hadn't gone...and I said, "What are the implications of that. Will it speed things up so I won't be able to have my epidural???" You can tell I was a bit obsessed!

About 5 mins after she broke the waters, I started pushing, and 8 mins later, DS2 popped out at 3am. And I stopped shouting! It was obviously the right thing to do. I didn't even tear which I thought would be automatic.

peacelily · 19/09/2008 20:53

NOTHING whatsoever wrong with having an epidural, I had one at 11.00pm after being in labour since 6am, the pain of the contractions truly terrified me, I thought I would die and went into shock.

Luckily they acted promptly at the delivery unit, I arrived at 10.30 by 10.45 it was all sorted anaesthetist everything no quibbling.

They should respect your decision and not question and discuss what's available to you non-judgmentally, if there's a next time for me I will be very clear about what I want!

Elasticwoman · 19/09/2008 20:59

I was told off postnatally by a hv who told me I SHOULD have had an epidural.

As always, a mother's place is in the wrong.

Original poster

Reallytired · 19/09/2008 21:06

I had a booking appointment with a midwife today. I am so tired I didn't make it clear.

Anyway mothers are always considered to be stupid and ignorant by health professionals.

OP posts:

Original poster

Reallytired · 19/09/2008 21:06

I had a booking appointment with a midwife today. I am so tired I didn't make it clear.

Anyway mothers are always considered to be stupid and ignorant by health professionals.

OP posts:

fedupandisolated · 19/09/2008 21:18

Not by me RT. Was a midwife and now a HV. Mothers are anything but stupid and ignorant.

What did your midwife say?

My opinion of epidurals is that they can cause difficulties BUT when a labour is long and a woman is exhausted they are the BEST things in the world. I can think of several women I cared for in labour who welcomed them with open arms and who benefited from utter relief of pain after many hours of long labour.

No midwife should be negative about them.

fedupandisolated · 19/09/2008 21:20

... oh and many female anaesthetists opt for them right from the start of their labours.

I had one too - long exhausting labour and then em CS. Thought my one was brilliant after several hours of slow progress.

poppy34 · 19/09/2008 21:28

you go for it.. epidural was best thing I had and enabled me to go for normal birth (plus I ended up having assisted third stage so would have needed one anyway!)

All I can remember thinking (in the way you do when on gas and air)..is why be a hero -no one gives you a medal for not having one ..

some hv/mw should get a farking grip

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/09/2008 21:30

I had two evil midwives from hell - no chance of them being on here as they hadn't had children themselves. First one told me she had never met anyone as incompetent as me looking after a baby "and we might have to take baby back into hospital if you don't improve." I wasn't incompetent, I was tired - I had a screaming angry baby who wanted to feed every 30 minutes.

Second midwife was a Nigerian nun who never uttered a word to me beyond "Ah ah! What is she doing to you now now?" to DD2. This was my second baby, so I did feel I had some experience.

In hospital with DD2 I had a student midwife, who said to me post birth, when prodding my stomach "I can't find your uterus. You haven't passed anything large, have you?"

My cousin is a midwife and she put up with all my traumatic tales and was the voice of sanity, and made me realise that not all midwives were mad, I was just unlucky.

poppy34 · 19/09/2008 21:35

would agree re some mw being ok -mw I had at birth was lovely and I don't like to think where i'd be without the wondrous post natal mw

dilemma456 · 19/09/2008 21:38

Message withdrawn

pudding25 · 19/09/2008 22:29

I was induced and had an epidural (best thing ever) but I was always planning on demanding an epidural the minute I got to hospital. Epidural will be top of my list again next time.

I actually don't get why anyone would suffer like that when you can have drugs to relieve the pain. You wouldnt get your appendix out without drugs...

MoChan · 19/09/2008 22:33

Well, there can be undesirable side-effects, of course, for mother and baby.

Which is why it's good if you can avoid it, but not the end of the world if you don't.

Original poster

Reallytired · 19/09/2008 22:33

Epidurals do have their downsides. They can go hideously wrong and women can suffer dreadful head aches and back problems.

My ideal senario would be to see how I got on. Every labour is different. Some women do not need quite that level of pain relief.

OP posts:

GreenMonkies · 19/09/2008 22:45

ReallyTired,

I don't think YABU, I think the MW should have been much nicer at your booking appointment.

However, don't make assumptions about how your second labour will go. I had a gruelling 50 hours start to finish labour (two complete days without sleep!) with DD1, but DD2 flew out in under 4 hours (dspite being a pound heavier than DD1). I didn't have any pain relief, I stayed upright and mobile and relaxed into it all (sounds odd but it worked for me!) but I was so tired I was barely able to understand the things the Dr was saying to me (she had a very thick foriegn accent) and desperately wanted to be left alone to sleep. In the end she was born by ventouse, and that bit was traumatic and stressful and painful.

However, second time around I had a homebirth and again no drugs, it all went so fast and was so easy I was truely stunned! The MW's had been expecting fretting about another long labour, but again I stasyed upright and mobile and relaxed and let my body do what it wanted and it was awesome.

Do some reading to help you feel positive and confident. The more you know the better you will be able to handle the objections and obstacles that the MW's and Dr's may try to put in your way. I would recommend "Birth Reborn" by Michel Odent and "Birth Your Way" by Sheila Kitzinger (actually anything by her, she's utterly fab!!) and then you will be able to decide what you want and have the confidence to assert yourself without the MW's/Dr's being able to undermine you and make you feel like an idiot who doesn't know what she's talking about.

Good luck!!

daffodill6 · 19/09/2008 22:47

Not sure of the point the OP is trying to make.
10yrs ago I was advised by 2 midwives to have an epidural as I needed to be induced 3 weeks early. I took their advice and am very grateful... induction was difficult and ultimately took 48 hrs, but my experience was Ok - had a high block but it was managed very well with lots of attention and care.

I was on such a high after the birth the doctor wanrted to put me on temazapan... fortunately there were female midwives around who put him straight!!!! ( frightening thou...)

KatieDD · 19/09/2008 22:58

Do you know if I have another baby I'd be tempted to not even tell them I was pregnant until the 12 week mark, they really do nothing but upset you at every appointment, the least contact the better.

joy30 · 20/09/2008 11:50

My DS2 is now nearly 8months old and my midwife made me feel stupid when I asked for epidural her response was why do you want an epidural. I think it was pretty obvious why I asked for one but ended up just with gas and air but in the end needed spinal in theatre as sufferred 3rd degree tear which had to be repaired in theatre. The same happened with DD but everyone said it wouldn't happen again but it did. I Know someone who is a midwife and she said that the reason they don't like women to have epidurals is that they have to stay with them when they have had this and they expect complications alot more.

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