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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do a 4 hour round trip to collect canadian cousin's daugher from airport? YOU DECIDE

80 replies

troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 21:34

I will totally act on basis of mumsnet jury.

I hava a close extended family.
My canadian cousin ( age 46) has a 22 year old daughter studying at a scottish university . About to go into 4th year and arriving in Scotland next friday to continue studies.We are all great frineds, very close and chummy.I LOVE the daughter; I am her second mum.

Cousin emailed me to request I or another family member collect her from arriving airport and deliver her to her lodgings.

This is 3-4 hour round trip for any of the family who might avail themselves.

it is max 2 hours by ( good ) public transport for the arriving student.

It is my one day off from official work in the week (still have 2 primary kids to take care of). I COULD do it , with help from friends who could collect kids from schooletc.

BUT aibu in thinking it is not a reasonable request aand she should get the train?

OP posts:
moondog · 14/09/2008 23:32

Aye, Americans seem to take huge trips in theri stride. Remember dh driving 12 hour round trip to heathrow on Boxing Day to pick up friends. We love em, but stil...

elkiedee · 15/09/2008 00:00

Say no nicely. You could say that something you need to do closer to home has come up that day.

A lot of North America doesn't have great public transport, and sometimes they overlook links which do exist. And more of them live in car dominated suburbs.

If she can do the journey to where she lives in 2 hours from the airport on a straightforward connection that seems quite reasonable.

My mum lives in a town outside the city where I was brought up now, 45 mins or so drive from Leeds, but also on a good local train route. So if we go to visit she's happy to come to Ilkley station to pick us up (short walk, 10 mins max but up a steep hill) but doesn't drive all the way in, and we have a toddler and another on the way. She will drive us for journeys which would be harder by public transport eg Harrogate, slightly different direction but only way to get there otherwise to go all the way in and out of Leeds again. I don't feel unloved, it's about what's practical.

squiffy · 15/09/2008 01:00

I'd do it.

alarkaspree · 15/09/2008 01:12

I wouldn't do it. My parents wouldn't have picked me up at the airport at that age and it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask, unless the time of the flight made public transport impossible.

Dh would do it though. In fact he has and no doubt will again got a taxi to the airport to pick up a member of his family and then got a taxi back with them so that they don't have to travel in a taxi by themselves.

HarrietTheSpy · 15/09/2008 01:12

That's a point actually - DOES she in fact know about how good the public transport links are? Would it be quicker for her (sounds like it might be by 1/2 hr.) In that case I would jsut say, well I could but did you realise it's quicker if you just take the train etc...

This is just the sort of thing DH and I end up doing...but I grumble and wish we could figure out a way to say no. It's always about the karma.

susiecutiebananas · 15/09/2008 01:19

YANBU.

Don't do it. Decline nicely with a full explanation of why- ot that you should need to, but if you are all close, then they realy will understand why you can't.

Arrange to catch up with her really soon instead. That you'd rather spend some good quality time with her, rather than havig to rush back when you drop her off.

YANBU

oh, did I say that?

I know my family would totally understand, MORE so if there are good train links too. Don't worry or stress about it, really think its fine on you part to say sorry but no.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/09/2008 06:41

She will be very jetlagged. I tend to collect (by public transport, even) people of any age coming in on overnight flights, because they are just such space cadets. (And when we come in on an overnight flight, we have a car service collecting us.)

JJ · 15/09/2008 07:03

We don't. Our visitors are from the US, so flying overnight, but it's so easy to get from airport to house (involves train then cab) that we just don't do it. Not even for our own dear aged mothers, much less my cousins with whom I'm very close. Actually, I think we did pick up my MIL last time but that was because it was, maybe still is, hard to get from Heathrow terminal 4.

My favourite part of the journey home is the cab ride in the early morning from Victoria!

That's not to say you should or shouldn't though. It's just what we do for our friends and relatives.

cupsoftea · 15/09/2008 07:07

yanbu - she's 22 & she can take the train. You will be taking all her things you've stored so you'll see her then.

cornsilk · 15/09/2008 07:10

I would say no.

FourArms · 15/09/2008 07:20

Just invent a prior appointment on that date. You could possibly change it if necessary..... but there are these fantastic trains which fit the bill exactly (insert train times here!).

YANBU

4 hours is a long drive, and if she's delayed, you might not know until after you've left meaning a long wait too.

TracyK · 15/09/2008 09:14

I think you need to talk to them - honestly.

Get the public transport times to hand and then explain that you will pick her up - BUT - explain it's a 4 hour round trip, you will have to arrange extra childcare and does she know that train x, y or z will get her there in half the time?
They prob. just don't know the situation. I've found in the past that I can moan on and on about something and the other person is completely oblivious to my situation.

You have to talk to them. Then they can put their point across or agree with you.

But tbh - I think I'd be grateful for a friendly lift with all my luggage after an overnight flight. One less thing to worry about iykwim. But maybe not if I knew what hassle it would be to someone else.

elliott · 15/09/2008 09:47

Why not offer to collect her from the train station and help her get settled in to her digs?

Janos · 15/09/2008 09:50

Hmmm, I think given your situation YANBU to say no, sorry and explain why not - nicely of course!

I was expected to cart myself around by public transport at that age so really should be no trouble for her.

90 mins is a reasonable journey time too. Is it on a train?

belgo · 15/09/2008 09:53

I think you should do it. Favours to family members you love are always a good thing to do, and in a way, an investment for the future.

belgo · 15/09/2008 09:53

it looks like this thread is split down the middle

Crunchie · 15/09/2008 10:03

IMHO I think that you shouldn't do it. If the journey is easier by public transpport you are NOT being unreasonable in pointing thtat out.

FWIW I am going to Athens in a coupleo fweeks and dh has offered to coolect me from heathrow. This is a 2 hour drive from home - 4 hour round trip.

Train takes approx same time, so I will get teh train. I can't see the point of him driving really. Although I may change my mind once I have checked out engineering works!!!

Blu · 15/09/2008 14:53

Don't do it.

This possibly sounds like a bit of a Canadian-ism (drive for 5 hours, think nothing of it..)

SAy you are way to busy, then visit her at a weekend asap in her new term and take her out fo a pizza to catch up on family news, make sure she is OK in lodgings etc.

No need AT ALL to collect 22 yos.

Quattrocento · 15/09/2008 15:04

I'd do it - but then again I am soft and even go to the airport to collect APs, never mind second daughters ...

Original poster
troubledfriend · 15/09/2008 20:13

By a narrow margin...
The nays have it!

I emailed to explain about the great train service and that I could not do it.

they were absolutely fine with that.
I am relieved!

OP posts:
GentleOtter · 15/09/2008 21:53

Feet up and enjoy your day off!

Waswondering · 15/09/2008 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerdressesandlacyboots · 15/09/2008 22:06

Wall to wall Jeremy Kyle then for those 4 hours

No feeling guilty now (if you are anything like me)

babbi · 16/09/2008 12:46

Do it !! When your Dcs are older you can send them to your cousins in Toronto for the whole summer !! Thats where I got sent when I was younger - totally loved it - on reflection probably not as much as my parents did . (was too young and selfish to think that they were getting a benefit ! )

But points in the bank for you to do this and keep good family relationships - one day you will get a benefit !!!

kitkat9 · 16/09/2008 13:54

Canadians think nothing of long car trips, so your cousin won't be thinking she's asking anything out of the ordinary.

Can you imagine how nice it would be to have someone you love picking you up after an uncomfortable overnight flight? Or how rotten it would be to have to then negotiate public transport?

However...I can see where you're coming from, totally. It would be different if you had loads of free time and nothing else to do that day...I think I would explain it all to your cousin, say the timings just don't fit in with the dc's etc, and have a detailed route planned out for her so she knows exactly which train etc to catch. As you say, she's been in the UK for the past 3 years, so it's not likshe's a stranger in a strange land.

Then I would invite her to stay with you for the following weekend (or whenever suits) and spoil her!