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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do a 4 hour round trip to collect canadian cousin's daugher from airport? YOU DECIDE

80 replies

troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 21:34

I will totally act on basis of mumsnet jury.

I hava a close extended family.
My canadian cousin ( age 46) has a 22 year old daughter studying at a scottish university . About to go into 4th year and arriving in Scotland next friday to continue studies.We are all great frineds, very close and chummy.I LOVE the daughter; I am her second mum.

Cousin emailed me to request I or another family member collect her from arriving airport and deliver her to her lodgings.

This is 3-4 hour round trip for any of the family who might avail themselves.

it is max 2 hours by ( good ) public transport for the arriving student.

It is my one day off from official work in the week (still have 2 primary kids to take care of). I COULD do it , with help from friends who could collect kids from schooletc.

BUT aibu in thinking it is not a reasonable request aand she should get the train?

OP posts:
Kbear · 14/09/2008 21:57

Just tell your cousin you can't do it this time and explain why. She'll understand. Maybe she doesn't realise how far and awkward the journey is for you. Don't agonise over it, you don't want to do it so tell them.

Original poster
troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 21:59

Bowdee that's cheeky!

I am stating my case.

I said I would stand by the jury's decision and I meant it.

You are confusing me with another

OP posts:
plantsitter · 14/09/2008 21:59

Don't do it. It's not an unreasonable request. It's not unreasonable to refuse it if it's such a pain. Just say 'no sorry but can't wait to see you for dinner when you've settled back in' or whatever.

morningpaper · 14/09/2008 21:59

lol no YANBU if you are busy and stressed ATM

If you are stressed then you won't enjoy it anyway

Tell her no but arrange to meet up soon

hana · 14/09/2008 22:00

I would do it. If you're like a mum, dont we do things for our kids that we'd really not rather do?? it's these things that people remember about us

Pannacotta · 14/09/2008 22:03

I think she should make her own way there, though it sounds like that is what you have already decided, so not sure why you need to have the backing of MN just to say no.
I too have fanny all time to myself and if it were me I would say sorry but no (esp as its her fourth year), no need to feel bad about it.

Tiramissu · 14/09/2008 22:04

YANBU
If it was her first time maybe yes. But, 4th year and 22 years old she can find her way.
I know it sounds harsh to some but i have big extended family too and if every time someone comes we go to collect them from airport and drive them around then we would have to leave our jobs and do this full time lol

Original poster
troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 22:05

panna you are right- I think she should get the train - but I am such a jelly I question my own judgement but if the weight of opinion was against me I would go and get her

OP posts:
plantsitter · 14/09/2008 22:11

I can't imagine anything worse than having someone pick you up for a 2 hour journey if they were annoyed about it. I would rather get the train. I realise we're only allowed 1 vote each and this is my 3rd so I'm going away now...

Original poster
troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 22:16

But why would you ask someone to go well out their way to pick you up when there was a great train service?

I can't stress eough our family always bend over backwards for each other, but this particular request seems ill judged.

I don't think they appreciate how frantic my life with a job and kids is!

her student life invloves a LOT of lolling around in friends' bedrooms drinking wine/coffee

OP posts:
GentleOtter · 14/09/2008 22:18

I would not do it.
She knows the route by now given that it is her fourth year and for you, it is not only four hours of driving but the whole palaver of getting organised, getting everyone else organised, the petrol etc.
It is difficult to say no sometimes especially to family but this time I would say no and not feel guilty about it.

Twelvelegs · 14/09/2008 22:21

You love her but can't decide whether to help or not?
I pick up my Mother from Heathrow at five in the morning (leaving my house at 3am) without a thought.

summerdressesandlacyboots · 14/09/2008 22:22

YANBU given that she is 22 for goodness sake. In her 4th year, and it will take her 90 mins of student time as opposed to 4 hours of busy working mum time.

BitOfFun · 14/09/2008 22:24

I'd say no, in the nicest way possible. It sounds like you don't want to do it, and I don't blame you. It's a fair enough request, but YANBU to say no, given your feelings and the hassle it creates for you. The petrol alone will probably cost what the train would, and I bet you'd feel awkward asking "daughter" for the money too, so you will feel all harrassed, skint and knackered.

rookiemater · 14/09/2008 22:24

YANBU.

Perhaps she ( mother or daughter) aren't aware that the public transport connections are so good.

I'd find out the costs and the timetable for the train and email them to them. Volunteer to pick her up at the train station. Explain how difficult it would be for you to pick up in person. If they are truly good friends they will understand.

brimfull · 14/09/2008 22:27

I do a 4hr round trip to pick up friends and family from the airport after their overnight flight.
Sometimes it's a pain if ds has to come and I have to listen to him asking if we're there yet the whole time...but on my own it is 2 hrs of lovely time on my own listening to what I want on the radio without others moaning about it.And two hrs chatting on the way home.

Pick her up.

vitomum · 14/09/2008 22:29

it almost seems like doing a favour for the sake of it. for a 22 yearl old woman, who has spent 4 years in the country, is able bodied and travelling with a normal ammount of luggage what could possibly be the issue with getting the train?? it doesn't sound as though you picking her uo will even have any paraticular advantage for her, other than it would be a 'nice' thing to do. But IMO a 'nice' thing that causes you way too much hasstle

YANBU

Original poster
troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 22:29

summerdress that is my exact point.

Bitoffun the petrol will cost quite a bit more than train fare , but it is more about the time/ energy / puting other people out to look after my kids

twelvelegs tell me why a fit 22 year old should not get the train?

OP posts:
Loshad · 14/09/2008 22:36

YANBU, 22 more than old enough to use train, and it's your only free time.

Original poster
troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 22:39

vito I thought that too - no partic advantage for her

OP posts:
summerdressesandlacyboots · 14/09/2008 22:44

Have you totted up the "yeahs" and "nays" yet? What's your final answer?!

ilovemydog · 14/09/2008 22:54

What is it with North Americans and driving?

My step dad asked me to drive him and my mother from Bristol to London. Not even the airport, but to central London where they were staying with friends. It was explained to them by their friend, that most people will take public transport to and from London.

The thing is, your cousin may not understand how much easier it is to get on a train/bus from London to Scotland. Much faster than you could do it...

petetong · 14/09/2008 23:14

Haven't read whole thread as I often don't reply as when I have read thread I lose interest. Will go in guns blazing and say don't do it. You obviously have a full life. Offer to meet half way or to have her for the weekend at some other time.

CoolYourJets · 14/09/2008 23:29

hmmmm.

Is it the old not understanding that in a country this small, crappy roads system a 4 hour minimum round trip is not a normal request?

22? Overnight flight - I would think she would be sleeping like a single person not trained to wake up at every noise.

Tell her to get the bus/train and you and the kids will come and see her when she is refreshed and it is convenient for everyone.

handlemecarefully · 14/09/2008 23:30

Sorry, just read your OP and no intervening posts but on the basis that you have said that you love the daughter and are her 2nd mum, you should pick her up!