re DH (and the world's) attitude to work?

[needtofeelinlove]

DH has been away for the last week on business. He left last Monday and got back midday Saturday. This meant he missed our son's third birthday party. He spent the rest of Saturday recovering from jetlag.

This week he goes away from Tuesday till Friday on business. So I was doing meal planning for the week and asked if he was going to be here on Monday night for dinner (incidentally DS2s 3rd birthday) and he said: 'Well it's the only day I'm going to be in the office this week so will probably be back late.'

I understand. He's been away for a week out of the office and will be away again this week so needs to catch up, but why is it acceptable that because he's not going to be in the office for the week ahead, he should work late rather than say: I'm not going to be with my family again all week so I'll get back early?

This isn't even a dig at my DH. It just seems to be the way people are expected to work - work comes first, family comes second. And it pisses me off.

I probably am being unreasonable but it just doesn't seem right.

(biting my tongue)

that's ashame you take that view, sadly not all jobs are like this. my dh does shift work and he clocks on and clocks off, does the shift he has to do then leaves for home. i feel sorry for people that have to do so many hours because if they don't they feel they'll lose their job or not progress up the ladder.
in saying that dh does OT, but only when it suits him, not the employer.

Have only read the first couple of posts.

I sometimes wonder if people use the office as an excuse not to come home, don't ask if they can leave early for special occasions, or just would rather be at work.

I used to work with people who stayed late at night because they thought it was expected of them. It wasn't really but they thought it looked good. I have worked with other who have openly admitted that they did it to avoid their children. Some people just don't get small children which is a bit sad when it is their own.

Others find the work/life balance difficult - it takes a lot of effort to get it right and you either upset your boss or upset your family. I think some people chose to do the work because they assume their family will be there for them no matter what, so it is easier to let them down.

Some industries and some countries are worse than others. DH did lots of travelling and worked silly hours when he worked for US companies which seemed, the whole, rather inefficient. They love to talk and waste loads of time doing so. He gave up working for them when the children were born because he wasn't happy with their take on the work/life balance.

He still works silly hours but he works for himself and is home for tea in the evenings and to put the children to bed before he does another 2 or 3 hours at home. He says he would like to change but I can't see him ever doing it. I can't complain when he does make the effort to be here for important things like birthdays. What he does with the rest of his time is up to him after that.

I sympathise. My dh works silly hours (though he does show up for special occasions, and deal with some dr appts and things if I can't). I know it's not his fault. He can't work differently in his office and neither of us think changing careers now would make sense for him. He does take dcs to school, meaning that I can get in and out of the office earlier, which improves things imo.

The time I do get cross with him rather than the office is when, on rare occasions that he gets home when dcs are still awake, he then disappears to the loo for 20 minutes or to make some long phone call, rather than taking the opportunity to read a story or have a chat with them or whatever. I think that is a symptom of working really long hours - you just get completely out of the habit of thinking of doing child-related things in the evening.

I agree that never being there is rarely good for loving long term relationships. We bond with the people we spend time with. But what is enough time varies from person to person. I have always liked about 1 - 2 hours a day with the children. That's suited me very well for 24 years. I suppose if add in morning, breakfast time etc it's probably well over double that and then weekends more time.

We mustn't discount some women and men with children who do at times prefer the work to the children. I am happy to admit that at times. It depends on the task involved - the work task and the home task and it's good to delegate both work and children at times. I doubt the 25,000 Lehman employees worldwide are particularly glad they now have time to spend with their families.... Bet many are wishing they had a spouse in work too.

"By Pillow on Mon 15-Sep-08 23:57:43
Xenia - I read something else by you on gender equality today and thought,spot on. -" I thought it might be something I wrote recently but I couldn't find it on-line. Was it recent (but without identifying me please)?)

I am sure that we all at times prefer not to be around our children. Sometimes even the nicest child is really not very pleasant to share space with. But I think there comes a point when a parent can become frankly neglectful, and those of us who have exciting careers should be careful about the balance. Children do need their parents, and I suspect most parents would feel at least a little sad to become irrelevant to their child's life.

Yes and this applies as much to men as women. It is also a protective measure for parents on divorce too as courts preserve status quo by and large. So the absent mother or father is unlikely to get an order the children live with them if they virtually never see that parent.

Xenia, yes recent - that Monday, read it in print.

I don't have it. That's annoying. What are the first two letters of the publication?

(pillow, I found my article last night on-line - thanks for pointing out it was out otherwise I might never have seen it - it was slightly edited to remove some of my more complex points but was a reasonably accurate description of what I said).

Not unreasonable to be cross. Personally, I would be a bit miffed with DH re missing two bdays though. Work were probably unaware, even though they may not have been bothered, but I sometimes wonder if people (men and women) actually ask for a bit of slack, it can always be made up later in the evening or the following day.

YANBU-I think we have a ridiculous work culture in this country. If anyone has to work those hours it shows that it is too much work for one person and they ought to employ more people to share the work realistically.

This thread has made me realise how lucky I am in some ways - DP runs his own business and is often away for one or two nights at a time. But the days he is here he is almost always home at 6.30pm to do bath and stories with DS, and although he does none of the housework, he does cook a lot.

I know it costs him dear in anxiety about work to do this, but I've seen the difference in DS when Daddy has had to be away for longer or has worked late, and I have to say I think it's worth it.

I currently work three short days a week for DP but am about to start a new f/t job, and am a bit concerned about how the childcare's going to work. DPs solution is a bit like the OPs - throw money at the problem, get a childminder/nanny to pick up DS from nursery and bring him home so it doesn't matter if we're later than 6pm. He doesn't seem to understand that I think it's important for one of us to pick up DS every night and give him his tea, otherwise we'd never see him!

But we need the money, and also the security in this climate of both of us working.

We didn't collect children from school, the first three children when they were little as we both worked full time and on an early day their father a teacher was home at 6 and often was home after 10 (because of his work as a music teacher) and I don't think the children missed out. They got school coaches home and we had a nanny for the younger ones. But one and more usually both of us was always there from about 6.30 or 7 for bed time and as children get older bed time gets later.

I know someone who went to work in the Isle of Man and if people arrived early at work they sat in their car and read the paper, they all went home at 5.30 prompt. I wish my DH could do that! It is the way it should be IMO.

Here I am on MN - while dh is working downstairs. In theory, I could be working too but I really hate working after dinner.

We are both trying very hard to be around for dd but we need to work a bit harder on having time with each other. It seems it's one or the other.

YANBU. Family should come first if at all possible.