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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re DH (and the world's) attitude to work?

93 replies

needtofeelinlove · 14/09/2008 21:30

DH has been away for the last week on business. He left last Monday and got back midday Saturday. This meant he missed our son's third birthday party. He spent the rest of Saturday recovering from jetlag.

This week he goes away from Tuesday till Friday on business. So I was doing meal planning for the week and asked if he was going to be here on Monday night for dinner (incidentally DS2s 3rd birthday) and he said: 'Well it's the only day I'm going to be in the office this week so will probably be back late.'

I understand. He's been away for a week out of the office and will be away again this week so needs to catch up, but why is it acceptable that because he's not going to be in the office for the week ahead, he should work late rather than say: I'm not going to be with my family again all week so I'll get back early?

This isn't even a dig at my DH. It just seems to be the way people are expected to work - work comes first, family comes second. And it pisses me off.

I probably am being unreasonable but it just doesn't seem right.

OP posts:
anniemac · 14/09/2008 23:42

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expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:44

'There are lots of nice easy going ways of making money in this country'

Oooo, give us some details! I'd like to know of a nice easy going way of making money in this country.

I've been looking for years!

My dad made money, but he earned every penny of it, too.

handlemecarefully · 14/09/2008 23:46

That's so crap. He might, arguably, not be able to do anything about being away Tuesday - Friday, but he sure as hell can do something about being home on time to see your ds on Monday evening.

You need to tackle him headlong, no messing (my husband needs me to help him...errrr...reevaluate his priorities from time to time )

anniemac · 14/09/2008 23:48

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solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 23:50

One of the saddest things about this level of work-demands is that so much of it is so utterly unecessary: most office jobs could be done in about half the hours per week that the employee is supposed to sped in the offece scractching his/her arse and waiting for emails to be replied to. Unfortunately a lot of shitty badly paid jobs demand this sort of enslavement to Work as well. The idea that 'work' is in itself virtuous has a lot to answer for.

ScottishMummy · 14/09/2008 23:55

a lot of this is people demanding because they can,they fail to provide info but demand resolution NOW

handlemecarefully · 14/09/2008 23:57

Here's an analogy to get Xenia's blood pressure off the scale ...

I've tried to say to dh that his work is a bit like housework (hear that death rattle in Xenia's throat at the mere mention of domesticity ) - it is never 'done'.

Just as it is futile for me (and sadly it is largely my domain) to expect my house to be immaculate and everything completely in order (because there is always something else that could be done), equally it is unrealistic for him to expect to be completely up to date and his in tray empty - there is always another call he can make, another client to contact etc.

That being the case he might as well do as I do and leave the ironing (me) / paperwork (him), have a glass of wine, spend time with his loved ones and chill.

I've made some headway over the years...

twinsetandpearls · 14/09/2008 23:58

You are not being unreasonable to feel frustrated and to want dp at home. However at the end of the day he and probably you have chosen that career.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:58

see, this is where being skint and just learning not to give a fuck about much stuff has its advantages .

thumbwitch · 14/09/2008 23:58

it is such a shame that high-powered work environments demand such long hours from their employees, either explicitly or implicitly. And such a shame that said employees have to conform, to keep their job "safe" or be seen to be ambitious and wanting to move up the ladder etc.

In the end, a job is a job, the work will still be waiting but it won't ever be your DS's 3rd birthday again and he should be able to see that and make your DS his time-priority, even if he has to make up the work time at some other point.

I can't help feeling that this extreme prioritising of work over family has in some way contributed to the "family breakdown" stuff that seems to be so prevalent these days . I know that work is important at many levels but seeing your DCn grow and letting them know that they are just as important to you has got to be a priority.

Tinker · 15/09/2008 00:02

Agree expat. I can't relate to these attitudes to work, tbh.

handlemecarefully · 15/09/2008 00:02

I don't really agree Twinset.

I am sure the OP's career requires a lot of commitment, but ultimately I believe that workaholism is a disorder and that needto's dh is probably suffering from it.

Doubtless he has to put in the hours - but all those hours? I expect his world and his work would not implode if he make a few changes around the margins and had perhaps even one guaranteed early night per week

handlemecarefully · 15/09/2008 00:03

I meant the OP's dh's career!

ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 00:05

completley agree.progression etc seen as dependent on 24/7 availability unfortunately

mortgage,etc the rub is that you need your wage to pay all of this.so yep we are all wage slave to an extent

anniemac · 15/09/2008 00:05

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expatinscotland · 15/09/2008 00:06

i'm still looking for these plentiful nice, easy going ways of making money.

because i'd be all about that!

anniemac · 15/09/2008 00:07

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ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 00:08

i could have it easier,less stress,earn less.but don't fancy it frankly

anniemac · 15/09/2008 00:09

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handlemecarefully · 15/09/2008 00:10

What is it you don't fancy about it Scottishmummy?

ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 00:13

work ft because i want to.do fancy more money less work but damn employer wont agree.

i am happy with my current arrangements.

handlemecarefully · 15/09/2008 00:22

Employers are like that aren't they the buggers!

twinsetandpearls · 15/09/2008 02:33

I am a worka holic but recognise that I choose to be that way and have recently chosen to make changes to lessen the effect of my choices on my family. I do think that Xenia does have a part although I do earn more than dp and I still feel a lot of pressure. dp has no real interest in his career or climbing the ladder so it does all depend on me. I know if we want a better lifestyle I do need to fund it and I think that drives some of my workaholic tendencies.

nooka · 15/09/2008 02:44

Well dh and I both (usually) work full time. That full time is a 40 hour week, and we structure it so that we are there for the children as much as we can be. I don't regard either mine or dh's jobs as being nice and easy, but we have (had) got a good work life balance. One of us takes the children to school every morning, one of us is always there for assemblies etc. We used a childminder four nights a week from school closing time until 6ish, but I worked from home one day and staggered my hours to be there that afternoon so they can have playdates etc. We earned about 90k between us, which is plenty for a good lifestyle without any financial worries IME.

However dh still felt that the balance was wrong, and so we moved to the US. It is amazing what a much more rigid workplace and a longer commute does to the day, it feels like dh is never home (this may be because I am currently a SAHM because my work permit took four months to arrive). Now we are looking to move again as dh's office has been closed, and we are looking to shorten that commute down again.

Surely we should all be working to live, not living to work, otherwise what's really the point? Do all these people working such excessive hours really prefer their work to their families? I am sure if you asked them they would say no, but in effect that is what happens when work gets all the priority.

Original poster
needtofeelinlove · 15/09/2008 10:01

Sorry - have only just had a chance to get back onto this.

I work too - run my own business. I don't earn close to what DH earns but it is still a full on job. But I purposefully set up on my own so that I could work around the kids. I think DH has an element of job responsibility and therefore needs to put in the long hours but I do think he's becoming increasingly workaholic. It never enters his head that he'd miss his son's birthday. I genuinely don't think it bothers him. I could be wrong. I know that if I raised it, it would turn into a row about the pressure he's under etc etc.

My business is at the point where I really need to scale it up but it would mean me putting in more hours. DH's response to this was: Get an au pair and start buying ready meals instead of cooking everything yourself. That was his way (genuinely) of trying to be helpful - telling me to take a load off. What he doesn't realise is that I want to spend time with my children and cook decent food for them - and be able to do work. It's about balancing it.

sigh. need to work now

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