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Original poster

help - my friend called my other friend a thief

60 replies

alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:22

I have started a thread on this ages ago.

Basically at my son's christening 6 months ago my friend's son's shoes got mixed up with another friend's shoes and they ended up taking home the wrong (identical looking) shoes. My first friend who has very little money was very upset as she feels hers were the better condition. So I asked around who had the same shoes on her behalf and gave her my other friend's number.

Anyway, it turned out the other friend thought she had picked up the older pair of shoes. I know the other friend very well, she is 100% honest and I'm sure she just made a mistake and would have gladly swapped them had she known how much it would have bothered first friend. Somehow that didn't happen though.

said to first friend I would phone 2nd one on her behalf as there had obviously been a misunderstanding. She said to leave it.

3 months later I was in the pub with first friend, she had had a few drinks, called 2nd friend a thief and said she hated her (also called my other friends snobs). I was really upset and we talked about it later and she apologised.

BUT today I showed first friend some photos and forgot there were some photos of 2nd friend and 2nd friend's son in there. Said 'oh this is xxx who you don't like!' meant it as a joke...anyway she said 'he's wearing the shoes, she nicked them etc...'

I said I don't like you calling her a thief, she is a friend of mine, she wouldn't have taken them intentionally etc etc. Anyway she said I was still going on about it after all this time but I am really upset, 1st friend is meant to be my best friend, we are meant to be staying with her tomorrow evening and I would never dream of calling her friends a thief.

I totally understand 1st friend has no money, therefore it is a big deal to her. But both children have since outgrown the shoes and I really object to her calling my friend a thief and saying I was going about it when although I said 'this is xxx who you don't like' because I was embarrassed about showing her the photos and she started saying again about she nicked the shoes!

Please help, I don't want to lose her, she is my son's godmother, I have known her for 20 years but my other friend are also important to me.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 11/09/2008 20:23

she needs to drop it!

sounds like an innocent mistake and she is blowing out of all proportion

Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:27

yes but she is pissed off with me because she thinks I started it off again. God I wish I had just rung 2nd friend at the time and spelt out the problem. But it is too late now.

OP posts:
lulumama · 11/09/2008 20:29

i actually cannot understand teh thread, but i get the gist of it

she is going waaaaaaay over the top

you need to have a strong , firm word with her about letting it go now.

she sounds very bitter and upset about her personal circumstances, which is understandable. but calling someone else a thief is not going to help her feel better or more accepted.

RubySlippers · 11/09/2008 20:29

well, she is mis-interpeting you then

is she very young?

Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:31

I wish I could have a strong word with her, the reaction to that would be cutting me out of her life for months...She's my son's godmother, she helps me out in many ways as I do her and our children adore each other. So I don't want that to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:31

No she is not young, she is 42!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 11/09/2008 20:34

argh, you know what it would piss me off too, if shoes had got mixed up and I had been left with the wrong ones.

BUT she could have sorted it out and didn't. she could have spoken to the other friend and swapped them, but she didn't.

I would talk to her and say that you understand that this was a big deal to her, but you couldn't have done more than you did and it hurts you that she thinks badly of your other friend.

she really needs to forget about it now though, it's over and done with.

onepieceoflollipop · 11/09/2008 20:34

She sounds to me that she is one or more of the following:

quite petty and immature and/or

Battling with much bigger issues in her life but the shoes have become the "scapegoat" and/or

jealous of your relationship with friend 2 and/or your other friends who she described as "snobby"

Close friend or not she is going to destroy her friendship with you with all this carry on.

onepieceoflollipop · 11/09/2008 20:36

"she would cut you out of her life for months" - if you had a strong word! Is this her usual behaviour if there is a minor understanding - she throws a mega sulk?

At best (imo) this is immature, at worst it is emotional blackmail.

Also I thought that godparents were meant to set a "godly example" to their godchildren? [wink}

Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:42

yes this is her usual behaviour at the moment. It is all her way.

I agree onepieceoflollipop it could be one of those things but don't know. What really annoys me is that I make a big effort with all her friends and she says she doesn't like mine.

the thing is she has managed to twist it round so she now implies that I have not let it go but I just said that they were in the photo and she started off again about how she nicked the shoes...

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:49

thing is we are meant to be staying there tomorrow night. As I went today, I went to hug her and said I don't want to fall out with you over this. She moved away and just said she'd call me tomorrow.

OP posts:
lulumama · 11/09/2008 20:50

shes' 42! and behaving like a spoilt teenager
agree tis not very godly.

you can;t not say anything, just in case she kicks off.. that is how she has got away with being a big mardypants for the last 42 years !!

lulumama · 11/09/2008 20:50

so, that won;t be at all a stilted and awkward evning... yikes !

RubySlippers · 11/09/2008 20:51

don't go

it will be awful

she is very manipulative

onepieceoflollipop · 11/09/2008 20:52

alice sorry to sound horrid but your friend sounds very manipulative and not a pleasant woman. All these mind games over a tiny mix up with shoes.

If she does have other "issues" then perhaps she needs to learn to communicate with you more appropriately.

I understand that she is your son's godmother and that you have known her for a long time. Is it a case of familiarity breeding contempt - i.e. she thinks you will put her with this dreadful behaviour just because she is his godmother?

Quite honestly I would have a firm word with her and at the end say nicely but firmly that it is her choice if she takes offence and that is not your responsibility.

Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:52

I can't say anything though can I? my son is looking forward to it as was I. If I say anything, it'll all start again and I feel at her beck and call if the evening'll happen at all

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 11/09/2008 20:53

Don't go

xposts with Ruby about her being manipulative.

Please don't let her treat you like this - it is really horrible and disrespectful.

Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:54

thing is she knows that as a single parent I don't go out much but she has a 17 year old that babysits so we stay over at hers and she and I go out. It's the only chance I have of going out practically and I really rely on that. So falling out with her means never going out for me and that is a big deal for me as it happens so rarely.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 11/09/2008 20:56

Your son need not really know - young dcs are easily distracted. Just say vaguely that you are not going to her home, and produce some sort of treat as a distraction. No need for him to know even a bit of this.

Don't be at her beck and call. Ring her and say politely but firmly that you don't want to go tomorrow. Say something like you feel that she hasn't been very happy lately and you feel that a break would be best. (alternatively tell her a version of what you have told us, but it sounds as if she will twist it or go sulky on you)

traceybath · 11/09/2008 20:56

i remember your other thread.

you were a bit mad to say what you said about your other friend to her as you knew your 'best friend' was seriously pissed off about the shoes.

wasn't she also struggling financially so losing a decent pair of children's shoes was a big deal to her??

onepieceoflollipop · 11/09/2008 20:58

alice only you can decide if the benefits of trying to stay friends outweigh the fact that she is manipulating you and playing mind games with you.

For me I wouldn't put up with it, but then I am not a lone parent and it wouldn't have the same impact on me.

Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 21:01

want I said though tracybath was said spur of the moment cos I was caught unaware...she is struggling financially that's why I understand the situation of her being upset about the shoes. But it WAS a misunderstanding and my other friend did not steal the shoes.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 21:12

feel like I am being held over a barrel by it. I know I should just say, you're not ok calling 2nd friend a thief and until you see that I dont want to see you but feel dependant on her and she knows it.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 22:41

just spoke to another friend about it and she thinks that my friend is behaving really oddly. I hope that if I do go tomorrow that the atmosphere isn't awful.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 11/09/2008 22:48

1st friend definitely has some issues... she also sounds very chippy; that bit about calling your other friends 'snobs'....