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Original poster

help - my friend called my other friend a thief

60 replies

alice123 · 11/09/2008 20:22

I have started a thread on this ages ago.

Basically at my son's christening 6 months ago my friend's son's shoes got mixed up with another friend's shoes and they ended up taking home the wrong (identical looking) shoes. My first friend who has very little money was very upset as she feels hers were the better condition. So I asked around who had the same shoes on her behalf and gave her my other friend's number.

Anyway, it turned out the other friend thought she had picked up the older pair of shoes. I know the other friend very well, she is 100% honest and I'm sure she just made a mistake and would have gladly swapped them had she known how much it would have bothered first friend. Somehow that didn't happen though.

said to first friend I would phone 2nd one on her behalf as there had obviously been a misunderstanding. She said to leave it.

3 months later I was in the pub with first friend, she had had a few drinks, called 2nd friend a thief and said she hated her (also called my other friends snobs). I was really upset and we talked about it later and she apologised.

BUT today I showed first friend some photos and forgot there were some photos of 2nd friend and 2nd friend's son in there. Said 'oh this is xxx who you don't like!' meant it as a joke...anyway she said 'he's wearing the shoes, she nicked them etc...'

I said I don't like you calling her a thief, she is a friend of mine, she wouldn't have taken them intentionally etc etc. Anyway she said I was still going on about it after all this time but I am really upset, 1st friend is meant to be my best friend, we are meant to be staying with her tomorrow evening and I would never dream of calling her friends a thief.

I totally understand 1st friend has no money, therefore it is a big deal to her. But both children have since outgrown the shoes and I really object to her calling my friend a thief and saying I was going about it when although I said 'this is xxx who you don't like' because I was embarrassed about showing her the photos and she started saying again about she nicked the shoes!

Please help, I don't want to lose her, she is my son's godmother, I have known her for 20 years but my other friend are also important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 11/09/2008 22:59

I know she made that assumption on no real grounds - one friend she mentioned as a 'snob' is in exactly the same position as her but she doesn't know her.

OP posts:
2beornot2be · 12/09/2008 10:34

Why didnt they just swap the shoes when they realised the mistake???

2beornot2be · 12/09/2008 10:35

O and my best friend don't like some of my friends and I don't like some of hers but I don't say that to her even thou she knows

ginnny · 12/09/2008 10:54

Can't you just agree to disagree. Can you see these friends separately and be good friends with them both.
I have 2 friends from college who fell out years ago and who now cannot stand each other. After trying for years to get them to make up, I now see them both on their own and we have an agreement that they don't bitch talk about mention the other one in front of me.
It would be a shame to lose a friendship over something that is nothing to do with you.

Original poster
alice123 · 12/09/2008 21:56

2beornot2be - because the conversation they had got confused - I think 1st friend wasn't assertive enough and 2nd friend just said 'oh I thought I'd taken the older looking pair' and hadn't realised how strongly she felt. I'm not sure.

Anyway she texted me tonight saying she wasn't well and therefore wasn't going out tonight but not sure I believe that...

ginnny - I will see them separtely but 2nd friend has absolutely no idea there is any problem. Also the problem for me is the way she spoke about her when she must know deep down that she is not a thief.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 12/09/2008 22:01

I think it she should also not put bad memories in my head of my son's christening when she is a godmother so I am quite angry

OP posts:
more · 12/09/2008 22:05

If someone phoned you up and said that you had taken their son's shoes instead of their of son's shoes, would you not arrange to swap them back over. I fail to see how there can be a communication problem here, unless one of them does not speak english??
This has got nothing to do with being assertive. Your 2nd friend sounds like she should have just got her act together and swapped the shoes back. Your first friend would not have called her if it was not important to her to get the right shoes back.

traceybath · 12/09/2008 22:14

I just don't get the whole shoe thing. My DS came out of pre-school one day in the wrong shoes they were the same as his but a lot older.

I knew whose they were as had noticed the little boy wearing them - just spoke to mum and we swapped them.

If someone said to me - you've got my childs shoes - i'd swap them. I wouldn't just vaguely forget about it - so i can see why your old friend is a bit p'd off to be honest.

I think though that theres a lot more to this than just shoes and you have to think if you want to maybe just take a break from your old friend for a while. I know i sometimes find i get irritated by people for nothing really, take a little time off from them and then its fine.

Also its quite normal for not all your friends to get on - just see them separately and don't talk about them to each other.

Hope you feel better about it all and don't worry about it too much.

Original poster
alice123 · 12/09/2008 22:32

to be honest I'm also confused as to why the conversation didn't end with them swapping the shoes back again. I don't understand it either. My 2nd friend is really approachable and would not as far as I know be at all precious about stuff like shoes - so I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 12/09/2008 22:34

do you think I should say anything to 2nd friend? 6 months has gone by since the christening but I saw her tonight and almost told her the whole story.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 12/09/2008 23:28

God, alice, is this still going on? She really is being very petty about it. I know her finances aren't great and she was miffed about the shoes but to bear a grudge for that long! What I would find annoying is that she is automatically thinking the worst about your other friend and not giving her the benefit of the doubt. It is unfortunate that you brought it up but really she is the one at fault here for not just dropping it.

1dilemma · 12/09/2008 23:47

Sounds to me a bit like you prefer your second friend now and feel you have moved on, however the free babysitting provided by first friends child together wiht a night out appeals so you keep the friendship going. I suspect first friend senses this and doesn't know what to do so ends up doing the wrong thing.

Sorry probably not what you want to hear and a bit deep for me but that's what I thought.

Can't understand why second friend didn't return shoes ASAP, she's at fault if you ask me.

(I had a really wonderful coat knicked from a wedding one freezing, cold wet December night a few years ago and I still talk about it. (only occasionally and tongue in cheek) It really was a wonderful coat and I can't get over someone stealing someones coat on such a night. How sad does that make me?)

Original poster
alice123 · 12/09/2008 23:52

No I definately don't prefer the 2nd friend. 1st friend is by far my better friend but unless we go to hers it is not easy for her to see us as she has three older children and they wouldn't want to do day trips younger children do or come to ours. So sometimes when the the older children are away she comes to mine, otherwise we go to hers. And going to hers is usually a night out.

I also don't understand why other friend didn't return the shoes and the more I think about it wonder if I should ask her? But am still hurt by the whole thing.

OP posts:
1dilemma · 12/09/2008 23:54

so if first friend is your 'better' (sorry) friend why aren't you more upset on her bahalf? Why does what she thinks of your second friend bother you so much?

(sorry you can tell my coat is on my mind!!....)

Original poster
alice123 · 12/09/2008 23:58

cos all my friends are important to me and none of them are thieves! I really don't understand why the shoes weren't swapped back but I do know that if it were me and I was that bothered by it (e.g if it had been my favourite coat!) I would have insisted we meet and then insisted they were my shoes...

I do know I am quite assertive though and she might not have been able to do that though. But I do think she oughtn't call a friend of mine a thief and say she hates her etc when whatever happened was a misunderstanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice123 · 13/09/2008 00:01

1dilemma - do you think I should ask 2nd friend? at the time I did ask 1st friend if she wanted me to speak to her but she said no. But wondering if I should now - although both children have outgrown shoes now.

OP posts:
1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:02

I do miss my coat

1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:04

tbh I think second friend (who just doesn't seem to get the whole shoe/coat thing) would probably think you were a fruitloop if you mentioned it now.

Did she know about the shoes soon after? did her ds wear them? did she try and return them but a bit late? IYSWIM

could she have done it on purpose? ignore that last bit it is my coat speaking

Original poster
alice123 · 13/09/2008 00:04

I've had things that have gone missing and I've been really pissed off about them. It's usually the things that are irreplacable! once I went on holiday and left an old pair of tracksuits on the bed, the cleaners came in and changed the sheets and they were gone ...never traced them. But although they were old they were so comfy and in a style they don't make now. I was really pissed off and still miss them now!!

OP posts:
1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:05

I must say thanks you took my amateur psychoanalysis so well I was obviously quite some way off the mark

1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:06

maybe your tracksuit and my coat are together

It was a black swingy short coat, it looked soooo good (a rare thing for me)

1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:06

maybe your tracksuit and my coat are together

It was a black swingy short coat, it looked soooo good (a rare thing for me)

Original poster
alice123 · 13/09/2008 00:08

no she couldn't have done it on purpose, she has enough money to easily buy her son new shoes.

She knew about the shoes within a few days when I phoned around to see who had similar shoes.

Yes her Ds did wear them as I put in the post when my 1st friend got really annoyed again when she saw photo of him wearing them a month or so later. (2nd friend said he was outgrowing them anyway).

No she didn't try to return them as she had the conversation in which she said 'oh I just picked up older pair'. I think she thought nothing of it, didn't realise what a big deal it was. I should have intervened and offered to but 1st friend said no.

OP posts:
1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:10

maybe first friend does feel a bit threatened by your 'rich' new friend and you should just sit down and say something along the lines of 'look I'm sorry she got your shoes and it was wrong but I can't do anything about it now and mention some way in which your old friend is better/nicer etc and say but look don't keep going on about it it makes me feel so bad and I don't want you thinking about the shoes when you see your godson'

1dilemma · 13/09/2008 00:12

sorry I thought he had worn them when I posted.

I guess she just doesn't get it so she would think you were a fruitloop if you mentioned it.....

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