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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want XP to take DD to Australia?

59 replies

Aimsmum · 11/09/2008 10:24

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CostaRicanCod · 11/09/2008 10:43

but lisa he is her dad
its no aims job to vet all holidays fgs

MrsSnorty · 11/09/2008 10:43

YANBU -I can understand why you're worried. He's never looked after her alone for more than one night and now wants to take her to the other side of the world for a few weeks.
Agree with above suggestions that he practices by having DD for a week first. Also, could he give you a bit more info about the friend he wants to visit eg is he someone with his own DCs/family or a single bloke who might not be much help with DD?

harman · 11/09/2008 10:43

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Blu · 11/09/2008 10:43

What was it that he couldn't cope with? was she distressed and homesick and not used to being with him?

Don't mix up your (understandable) frustration about the regular payments with a decision about this holiday.

Have a friendly chat with him (if possible) about what sort of hol it willbe, what activities he will do with her, does mate have kids etc.

Then talk to your dd about it. If she wants to go, it would be really destructive of you to obstruct it.

Blu · 11/09/2008 10:48

I understand your anxiety, too. I would be anxious. I was anxious whan DP (not ex...current!) took DS to NY to visit his sister. I knew he would feed him some unsuitable food, let him stay up late and be gribbly in the day...all of which he did, but...no lasting problem.

Unless your ex is seriously irresponsible in his general behaviour, he will have to cope and will. Knowing he could summon help got the better of him in his panic or laziness, perhaps!

TwoWindyDays · 11/09/2008 11:08

I would suggest to him that he wait till she is a little older, maybe the summer before secondery school, as its a long way from home when you are 8. I went when i was 8 and I was home sick, and i had my parents with me! It will also give them loads of time for planning what to do (saving up) and antisipating, and you wont be such a badie for saying no.

TwoWindyDays · 11/09/2008 11:09

sorry bout the spelling

AbbeyA · 11/09/2008 11:17

YANBU it must be a big worry. Have you talked to your DD about it? If she is excited, happy and comfortable with the whole idea then you perhaps just have to let him get on with it.
I don't think that I would have been happy to do it, without my mother, at that age.
There are a lot of questions. Is the friend single or has he got a family? If he has a family with children of a similar age it could work weel because at least the whole trip will be child orientated. If he is single with no children I could see problems, they will want to do things that are not child orientated and how would they manage to go out in the evenings?
I would get him to sit down with you and talk the whole thing through. If you aren't happy then suggest waiting until she is about 11 or 12. I think going away for a longer period with just the two of them before they go to the other side of the world would be a good idea.

jellybeans · 11/09/2008 11:21

YANBU I wouldn't like it. 1. The mate staying idea sounds too casual. 2. It's so far away and for a few weeks, DD may miss you. 3. Can't he take her somewhere nearer and for less time.
I don't think she will resent you for not letting her go. A holiday anywhere is just as good, what's so good about Aus? He is probably better going on his own tbh and taking her somewhere nearer.

Original poster

Aimsmum · 11/09/2008 11:23

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Original poster

Aimsmum · 11/09/2008 11:25

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AbbeyA · 11/09/2008 11:32

Based on what you have said Aimsmum I would get him to wait until she is older.
I have a friend whose XH went to live in US. Their DS wouldn't stay with him until he got to about 16, it was his choice. He felt his mother was 100% reliable but his father might not have even got to the airport on time to meet him.

Buda · 11/09/2008 11:32

Whilst I am sure that if I were in your shoes my initial reaction would be no way is anyone taking my child that far without me, I would calm down and consider the practicalities.

You say he couldn't cope with her - what exactly was it that he couldn't cope with?

You are well within your rights to know where they will be staying and who with. Is the mate single? Will DD have her own room? What will your X do abut DD if he wants to go out at night?

I think I would email him back with a list of questions and tell him honestly that you are not keen but that you will consider it.

AbbeyA · 11/09/2008 11:37

I presume that you don't want to tell her beforehand in case she wants to go. I am fairly sure that if she were to be told of the plan she would be the one who didn't want to go. I wouldn't have gone so far away from my mother, for so long, at that age. I would have been in total panic.I think that if you did decide she could go you should tell her before he gets the tickets.

Original poster

Aimsmum · 11/09/2008 11:42

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DesperateTooDyson · 11/09/2008 11:43

I agree with all those who say you need to know more about what he is proposing to do whilst in Oz.

Has he thought out where he would visit? Are these places suitable for children? Will he stay in every evening that he is away? What if his mate wants to go out in the evening and suggests someone else to babysit, what will he do?

I can understand why you would be reluctant to say yes to this trip but maybe if he can answer all your questions, it might put your mind at rest.

Although it is a lovely idea and might give him the chance to build an even better relationship with his daughter, I guess you need to know whether he has actually thought this through or not.

Original poster

Aimsmum · 11/09/2008 11:45

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VinegarTits · 11/09/2008 12:02

Ok my initial reaction was yabu, but after ready your posts i have changed my mind, only you know your dd and what she will cope with so go with you instinct.

jellybeans · 11/09/2008 12:02

'And everyone saying it's a great oppertunity for her, do you really think so? '
I don't tbh. I bet she would have a much better time in Cornwall/Spain for a week/end just her and dad. Don't see what is so good about a specific place, especially one miles away, there are as nice/better places much nearer.

jellybeans · 11/09/2008 12:05

I also would worry that an 8 year old could be very distressed being so far from home/mum for so long. Recipe for disaster really. Sounds like it is more about him than her tbh. He can take her when she is a teenager anyway, there is no rush to go so far.

AbbeyA · 11/09/2008 12:07

I don't think she would be keen, from what you have said Aimsmum, so her feelings should come first. I think she would get more out of a 'trip of a lifetime' if she was older.

Buda · 11/09/2008 12:15

I agree that she is to young to go that far without you. My DS is 7 and went camping last Friday night with DH and although he was desperate to go, he did sneak back to be for a big cuddle as DH was loading the car and then was a bit clingy when they got back on Saturday. Wouldn't admit that he had missed me of course but wanted to be with me all the time.

pamelat · 11/09/2008 12:18

could he pay for you too? and you could stay at a hotel a few miles away, that would be nice .....

On a more sensible note, I think its too far without a test run.

anniemac · 11/09/2008 12:19

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Original poster

Aimsmum · 11/09/2008 12:43

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