...to be pissed off with DH for ogling teenagers in Starbucks while I breastfed our baby right next to him?

[badwife]

..even though I don't want to have sex with him at the moment? I didn't realise what he was looking at and then was really shocked and upset. Baby is 5 months old and we have only had sex once since he was born. I don't really want to, combination of low sex drive anyway (once a week was fine for me in the old days), exhaustion, still bf every 3 hours, not much opportunity (baby sleeps in our room). I think it will be different once I am bfing less and once DS is in his own room, but for the time being am just not up for it. Sitting up close on the sofa, holding hands, sleeping curled up together, hugs and kisses all fine...just don't want sex.

So, AIBU to be annoyed with him for leering at teenagers? They were about 15 or 16 and wearing tiny shorts. Made me feel about 100 years old and ugly.

He was upset with himself and apologised, said he didn't think they looked that young and he also realises it was pretty disrespectful to me, but also says he feels awful all the time because he is so frustrated.

again at the risk of being slaughtered i do agree with posters that 5 months is a very long time to go without sex

COMPLETELY separate to that statement - i would be very upset and angry with dp for ogling a teen at any time with or without me there

it is the domain of a saddo bloke imo and at that age used to show my contempt by grimacing at the leerer

I don't think it's a big deal, if I see my husband glancing out the window at a woman, we both just laugh. I think it's normal. As for not having sex, that is a long time esp if you are all healed up. I had zero sex drive whilst breast feeding but you need to get over that and force yourself back into the saddle. This will be an unpopular truth with posters but that is a common reason for men straying.

sleepycat you make a lot of sense, I agree with your posts entirely.

Isnt' it a basic case of communication [rpblems.

If she explained her feelings in I statements - 'I feel really hurt and humiliated when you do that in front of me' instead of an accustatory 'you' statement 'What do you think you are doing' 'You are so insensitve' - it gives him the chance to do somehting about it without getting on the defensive.

Talk to your partner.

and Battters, some if us haven't said those things.

Batters - in a subsequent post the OP said her DH actually looked twice at the girls. I think it is natural to look twice at attractive people. I've found myself admiring teenage girls and I consider myself heterosexual. I think it is an over reaction to be upset about it but he deserved to be laughed at.

Sex whether or not you feel like it is a completeley separate issue, but explains the OP's overreaction. In a relationship there will always be times where one persons libido does not match well with the other's. Should the person with the higher sex drive be left permanently frustrated? Have you never had sex you did not especially feel like so as to please your DH? I have on occasion and I've never regretted it - even when I am too tired to be properly turned on - the intimacy and closeness are important. My DH has done the same for me.

I don't think that she should have sex to stop him looking at girls, I think they're separate.

I think people often look at attractive people
and I think most people like sex. But I don't think the two are related really.

And sex releases lost fo feel good hormones that help keep a couple close - it's not just about de-spunking, it's about intimacty with the person you love.

agree totally WWW

I also think that a married man is simply just that, a married man. He's not dead and he will still look at attractive women.

It's not a crime.

Blimey, yesterday in my office we had a IT man from head office yesterday and he was so gorgeous it was unreal. The amount of oggling by WOMEN was hilarious.

I don't think it's such a big deal. Men will always look at cute women/girls - they're hard wired for it and it really doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive. If he's got a high sex drive, he really can't help his raging hormones, and at least he was contrite.

DH and I have very sporadic sex since DS was born (he's 12 months) sometimes not for a month, then 3 nights in a row. I just say listen, if you want rumpy pumpy, then do the get ups the night before so I'm not knackered, and make sure we get to bed earlier. If I'm not in bed by 10pm there's no chance I've got energy for sex olympics. So it's his choice really - Dexter or my fandango.

And as many others have said, he does have a hand and what goes on in the shower between him and his chap doesn't have to be any concern of yours....

Came back to this thread as it just brought back so many memories of being a teenage girl. I really did feel so scornful of any 20+ yo who looked twice at me. Which they did, 'cos I was rather a looker in my day

If I'd seen a bloke looking at me while his wife was breastfeeding I would have just thought he was just so unspeakably pathetic. Which is why I would point and laugh at DH if he ever did such a thing. Really OP, he was just humiliating himself - the girls will have laughed at him, not you.

Why are (some) men so tragic? It's like those old boyfriends who get in touch after googling you and then when you reply saying 'oh hi, yeah, very happily married with kids' suddenly they don't want to catch up any more. Sad, sad, dick-led, brain-dead, kings of tragedy.

Also I think a healthy sex life is a wonderful thing.
But I think trying to live up to other people standards of what constitutes a healthy sex life can be a recipe for feeling inadequate. We're all different. It ebbs and flows in a long-term relationship, doesn't it?

Oh, and I would also agree with other posters that once you make the effort, even if you REALLY don't feel like it, it's a big like riding a bike - you'll suddenly realise there's something in it for you, and you'll feel closer to DH and be reminded a bit of who you are other than a mother. Others may disagree, but I am a firm believer there's something to be said for just getting on with the first post baby shag - get it out of the way otherwise it builds up into something imposing and scary. Sorry - not very romantic I know but it worked for me in terms of getting my mojo back.

Tit! they all do it, the girls were a bit young for oggling really he should know better, and my problem would be that he shouldnt really be doing that when you are sat there, ask him to show some respect for you next time.

But to be honest the best thing about this is that those girls will think hes a right sad wanker eyeing them up, which he is! So no you are not being unreasonable. And he looks like what he is, so alls well1

Blimey when I was 15 I would have been oblivious to an old married man oggling me, I'm sure it happenned but I'd have never noticed.

I was too busy willing Nick Cope from 6th form to notice me!

hi everyone
well, it's 5 months since the baby was born but we have had sex since then. Just not much. As in..once. And once we hav put the baby in his own room and I'm bfing a bit less I think we can get back to it, so...

Also, we did talk about it and I didn't accuse him in an angry type way at all. That's why he apologised.

In fact, everything is fine now - I guess what I was looking for was some sympathy and assurance that I wasn't overreacting, and I don't think I was - I was pissed off that he was looking at these girls while I was there sitting right next to him, that was the point really. Not because he looks at girls (the teenage thing is a bit weird for me but they weren't 13 - more like 15 and he thought they were older) or women because I think that's quite normal, but that it didn't seem to make any difference that I was sitting right next to him - and THAT made me feel like crap.

I think sex is important in a marriage but I also think that it would not be great for either of us if we had sex even though I really don't want to. I would feel horrible and I don't think he would feel too great about himself either. And I am not going to lie and pretend I am up for it even though I'm not because I don't lie to my husband, ever.

I'm giving us till the baby is 6 months and then he's going in his OWN room and our room will be ours again...!!

Absolutely, a marriage is an equal partnership of giv and take (ideally) and not about fulfilling duties that make you feel terrible.

And I think on average, most of us agree with you abiout the looking when your there and breastfeeding, even if we do think it's normal for a bloke to look - there are times and places when you just shouldn't be seen to be looking - just after baby defo one of them!.

Awwww bless 5 months after having ds if I caught dp oogling other women let along teenagers I would not have been too happy either.
Though having said that previous to pregnancy and about a year after having ds (basically when hormones were't raging) dont really care. Actually I would probably admire them with him.
Men just don't understand the hormone effect I think

that should read "let alone"

Newsflash!! New research shows that men do not die without sex badwife (and you are not) Unless his response was the following you are not being unreasonable....

BW: "what are you looking at?"

BWsH "I was just looking at those girls and thinking how more womanly and attractive you are than them - I could never love you more than when I see you feeding our baby"

or similar!

and for any guys that are wondering.. this is the correct answer to that question every time! We don't mind what is going on in your heads but a little respect and understanding please!

I'm so glad you've sorted things out badwife

This thread has made me cry though.....I'd sort of pushed it to the back of my mind but my DP was 'eyeing' up other women and the drive back form the hospital with our newborn son, after I'd just had a c-section and our baby had nearly died

What makes it worse is that he never usually does

He can't really love or respect me can he, so so now