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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be pissed off with DH for ogling teenagers in Starbucks while I breastfed our baby right next to him?

103 replies

badwife · 10/09/2008 17:40

..even though I don't want to have sex with him at the moment? I didn't realise what he was looking at and then was really shocked and upset. Baby is 5 months old and we have only had sex once since he was born. I don't really want to, combination of low sex drive anyway (once a week was fine for me in the old days), exhaustion, still bf every 3 hours, not much opportunity (baby sleeps in our room). I think it will be different once I am bfing less and once DS is in his own room, but for the time being am just not up for it. Sitting up close on the sofa, holding hands, sleeping curled up together, hugs and kisses all fine...just don't want sex.

So, AIBU to be annoyed with him for leering at teenagers? They were about 15 or 16 and wearing tiny shorts. Made me feel about 100 years old and ugly.

He was upset with himself and apologised, said he didn't think they looked that young and he also realises it was pretty disrespectful to me, but also says he feels awful all the time because he is so frustrated.

OP posts:
nobodysfool · 10/09/2008 18:32

YANBU.
Teenagers?????

My rule is - one look you he can get away with but if he looks a second time when i'm with him then that's out of order and hurtful IMO.But, i am very black and white about this kind of things.

Blu · 10/09/2008 18:35

A grown man openly leering and ogling at teenagers is yuck anytime, never mind who is sitting next to him. Yes, he may well fond them attractiv, but openly leering is not necessary.

When I was a teenager I used to have huge contempt for saddo 'old' (aka anyone over 21 to a 16 yo) men leering at us, slathering away. Do men not realise this, amidst al this 'hardwiring' ?

He is the one who has made an idiot of himself, badwife, whether or not you have a newborn. And he was rude and insensitive to you, too.

Doubly bad of him to blame you.

Janos · 10/09/2008 18:44

Now at the risk of creating an argument I was the one who mentioned hardwiring..without getting into some big debate about the 'rightness' or morality of it men do find young women (in fact women in general) attractive.

BUT BUT BUT

In the situation OP described it was as you say, rude and disrespectful and OP was not unreasonable to be hurt.

nobodysfool · 10/09/2008 18:46

Sorry i meant to clarify that i think eyeing up teenagers is NOT acceptable at anytime.

smallwhitecat · 10/09/2008 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pamelat · 11/09/2008 08:46

It would have upset me, especially as you probably feel a bit vulnerable at the mo? I know I do when we aren't having sex regularly.

Its good that he apologised.

I wouldnt worry about them being teenagers.

My DH commented the other day "why do teenage girls wear such short skirts" - hes only 37 (!) but I think he feels bad for it "making" him look. Am sure its harmless rather than anything sinister to do with young girls!

morningpaper · 11/09/2008 08:49

Blimey are you all crazy? Have you opened a magazine lately?

I would be depressed if my DH DIDN'T eye up attractive teenagers. Do you all carry your husband's bollards around on your keyrings?

Who DOESN'T want to eye up teenagers - they are perfect and beautiful and the epitome of perfect sexual beings.

Cappuccino · 11/09/2008 08:52

oh ignore morningpaper

she is having gin and pastries for breakfast

morningpaper · 11/09/2008 08:56

Only another 17 bagels to go

batters · 11/09/2008 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonifacio · 11/09/2008 10:00

IMO its no big deal, I would be concerned if DP didn't look and wander what was wrong with him! I always point out good looking girls to DP, in a "wow look at her she is gorgeous" kind of way

So what he looked at another female! Its not like he went over and started chatting her up!

And men are useless at guessing womens ages so that fact that you thought she was 15 / 16 he probably thought she was 20 / 21

I agree with MorningPaper, and i'm not having gin for breakfast!

mayorquimby · 11/09/2008 10:05

"A grown man openly leering and ogling at teenagers is yuck anytime"

yes but lets be honest, "leering" was the term used by the op to paint him in the worst possible tongue hanging out banging on the table light so as to get people on her side.
within less than a page she admitted he wasn't really leering he just looked twice.

i agree it's bad manners when with your partner, but i think that there has been an over reaction by some on here.

the guy is sexually frustrated and happened to look at some scantily clad teenagers when he maybe shouldn't have.

Cappuccino · 11/09/2008 10:12

I used to drool over a waiter in the cafe we went to a lot when dd1 was a baby

"look at his arse!" I would say to dh, who politely declined

Janos · 11/09/2008 10:17

"..they are perfect and beautiful and the epitome of perfect sexual beings"

Umm, really?

I sit next to a 17 year old boy at work and I can assure you they are NOT!

Cappuccino · 11/09/2008 10:19

mp is a renaissance artist

Monkeytrousers · 11/09/2008 10:19

Men leering at teenage girls is an unfortunate fact of life, I think.

It doesn't mean they are bad men though - or that they actually want to do anything.

Upwind · 11/09/2008 10:20

I wouldn't have been upset if my DH looked twice at pretty and scantily clad teenagers. Actually, I would expect any man to do that, though I would mock them for being obvious about it.

WideWebWitch · 11/09/2008 10:22

I think it's pretty difficult for men and women to NOT look at very attractive members of the opposite sex. Teenagers are peachy and gorgeous and I often want to go up to those awkward teenage girls and say "honestly, you're beautiful, really, so stop thinking you're not" because they often look as if they are angst ridden and insecure with it. OR some are enjoying wielding their new found sexual power (I was one of those tbh).

I think there are two things here and they're separate: the eyeing up and the sex and I don't think they're really connected although it might feel like they are. If a STUNNING woman is walking across the road in front of our car and dh is looking I will raise an eyebrow and acknowledge that she was attractive and so he was bound to be looking. It doesn't make him love ME any less, he's just LOOKING. Ditto if a v attractive just-my-type kind of man were to do the same, dh would look my way with a 'you fancied him, didn't you?' look. He wouldn't be threatened by it and neither would I. It's normal imo.

The sex tihng, well, it's normal after a baby to not fancy sex much, yes, but it's also normal to be married and want to have sex so of course he wants sex. Most people do want it in their lives, so I think that's an issue for you as a couple but his looking at another girl doesn't mean he doesn't love or fancy you, it just means he was looking!

IMO anyway, I can see I'm in a minority here!

thebecster · 11/09/2008 10:29

'perfect and beautiful and the epitome of perfect sexual beings' hahahahahahahaha!

I can see three teenage boys out of my window, kicking the brick wall of the house opposite (no, not kicking a football against it. Just kicking the wall.)

Hoods up - check
Acne and the pale stolid complexions of a non-vegetable eater - check
Skinny arses hanging out of baggy jeans - check
Perfect sexual beings - erm, no, sorry, can't see it.

bring me Sean Connery any day. Actually today is fine, I don't have any plans.

If DH ogled teenage girls in front of me I'd laugh at him. And point. And laugh again. But teens are not his thang, thank god. Is more likely to be caught ogling the LFC website. Liverpool are the Other Woman in this household.

Overmydeadbody · 11/09/2008 10:29

I'm with morningpaper on this.

The only thing the OP's DH did wrong was to have been insensitive to his wife's feelings, although he probably didn't realise how blatantly obvious he was being, and at least had the decency to apologise.

I'd ogle teenagers in little shorts, it's hard not to.

YABU. He apologised.

Nothing wrong with a little eye candy every now and then.

Janos · 11/09/2008 10:30

Yeah but WW I think the issue is more that the OP is feeling a bit vulnerable and this made her feel worse (forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth here OP. I mean come on! I felt AWFUL about my appearance, was knackered and suffering from PND when DS was 5 months, did no-one else feel like that? Really and truly?

I would agree that looking is normal behavior, having a good leer isn't.

And I stand by my opinion that if you are doing in front of your partner very openly is bad manners and pretty insensitive.

Monkeytrousers · 11/09/2008 10:31

I agree WWW

But I have told DP off before for doing it in front of me when I am feeeling fat and ugly!

Now he tries not to do it when he is with me - but FFS, when I see a really beautiful girl I think I stare - and I'm not bisexual.

Isn't it natural to want to look at beautiful things - whatever your sex?

MrsMattie · 11/09/2008 10:32

YANBU. I don't fid myself ogling 15 yr old boys in front of my DH (or at all, actually) when we haven't had sex for a while

I don't see how being a man is a get out clause.

Tell him to have more sense next time.

Monkeytrousers · 11/09/2008 10:33

and teh holidays are over and the weather is colder now so Strebucks won;t be full of scantily clad teens.

We were once just so peachy remember - it doesn't last forever - pity them in their ignorance! [grin}

DoubleBluff · 11/09/2008 10:35

I think Op may be overreacting, if i catch Dh looking ( not dribbling) at pretty girls i jsut laugh at him! I think OP is prob ffeeling insecure as she knows Dh wants sex and he is not getting any.
I have to say 5 months is an awful long time.
Could you not try and make the effort for him?