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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect DH to back me up on this issue with DD(7)

22 replies

sandyballs · 08/09/2008 21:54

She came home from school with two big holes in the sleeves of her brand new school cardigan, with her thumbs sticking out of them [anger].

She said she had to do it because her friend wanted her to and she said she wouldn't be her friend if she didn't.

I've told her that this week's pocket money is for a new cardigan. She threw herself on the floor and had a big hissy fit. DH, in front of DD, told me I was being too harsh and he understood the peer pressure 7 year olds are under . I've chatted to her about doing what she thinks she should do, not what her so called 'friends' think she should.

It's wound me up, DH is so soft with our DD's. They are growing up not cherishing or looking after anything, they think it can just be replaced.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 08/09/2008 21:55

I would sew it up

It'll look crap but there you go

AbbaFan · 08/09/2008 21:57

I would of done exactly the same thing, and would be really annoyed with DH.

AvenaLife · 08/09/2008 21:57

I don't think you are being unreasonable. A child should look after their things. I moan at ds if he wipes his mouth on his clothes, I'd go ballistic if he did this. Could you sew them up and send her to school in them?

anyfucker · 08/09/2008 21:57

I'm with you sandy.

I bought my dd a new brolly for school.

She let her daft mates break it on the 1st day. Cue removal of money from her purse to pay for it. She is nearly 13 fgs.

BroccoliSpears · 08/09/2008 21:58

I can understand why you're cross about the cardigan.

Going solely on what you've written here, I would be concerned about why my dd was so eager to please her 'friend'. Is her friend a bit of a bully?

TequilaMockinBird · 08/09/2008 22:01

I think this must be a new trend as DD did the exact same thing to her cardigan last year

Apparently all the girls in the class have their sleeves like this and she would've been the odd one out if she hadn't done it to hers aswell!

my mother I sewed them up for her (after telling her that she must look after her things!) and a couple of weeks later she did the same thing again.

I stopped her pocket money until she'd paid for a new one.

I don't think YABU either with regard to your DH, of course he should back you up!

IDoEverything · 08/09/2008 22:14

Sorry - have to go against the grain here by the looks of things.

I don't think that 2 holes in a cardigan is worth being 'the odd one out' for when you are 7 years old.

That's not to say that I would be replacing the cardigan all the time and I probably would be a bit miffed as it is currently brand new and all that, but I would just let he go in to school with the 2 holes in her cardigan.

That's what she wants after all. And if all the kids are doing it.....

Also, surely the holes aren't that big if they are just to put her thumbs through.

A few months into the school year this probably wouldn't have you annoyed to such an extent, when actually it would still be the same crime IYSWIM.

ravenAK · 08/09/2008 22:18

Yeah, but they'll fray & look a state.

I would sew holes up (if dd contrite) or fine her for a new cardie (if dd defiant). Explain that buying new school cardigan is boring use of funds that might otherwise have funded fab trendy garment of her choice

& your dh should jolly well back you up - if he disagrees he should discuss it with you privately.

roisin · 08/09/2008 22:30

Bottom line dhs and dws should always back up their spouses in front of the children. If there is something to be discussed that can happen later in private, and if necessary you can collectively retract statements/punishments.

Dh is brill. If he disagrees with me I can tell instantly, which is a signal to me to calm down and re-consider. But we always back each other up, otherwise children will try to play you off against each other.

Original poster
sandyballs · 09/09/2008 09:41

Thanks for replies. I might try and sew it up although that isn't one of my strong points! Not sure if I even posess a needle and thread to be honest . Interesting that other kids have done this, obviously is some sort of 'in thing', but bit odd!

Don't think the other kid is a bully really, I just get the impression that she is the cool kid of the class and everyone looks up to her so when she says jump the rest of the class say 'how high' iyswim.

I think me and DH need to have a chat about our parenting ways as we are so different. He will let something like that go yet come down on them like a ton of bricks over something I find completely trivial.

OP posts:
cory · 09/09/2008 09:47

While I would be sympathetic with a 7-yo yielding to peer pressure, I would be very wary of giving her the message that this is something that has to happen; your dh might want to watch the messages he is sending out. Remember, by the time she is 14 it won't be holes in the cardi but something altogether more dangerous they'll be trying to talk her into: does he still want her to believe that you can't be the odd one out?

Anyway, you need to talk about backing each other up.

And I would be livid about deliberate damage done to clothes; particularly cardigans which will start unravelling once the first hole is made.

TheHedgeWitch · 09/09/2008 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cupsoftea · 09/09/2008 10:12

yanbu - get your dh to resolve the situation - when it happens again he might consider telling her to say no when her friends tell her to do silly things

LazyLinePainterJane · 09/09/2008 10:21

Regardless of whether the right route is to sew, or make her pay.....your DH should have backed you up in front of her, even if he disagreed later in private.

hecate · 09/09/2008 10:41

Bugger the cardi, a hole is no big deal, sew it or leave it, it doesn't really matter. She's the one who has to suffer the consequence of her actions by wearing a cardi with holes in it, or that's been sewn back up.

What would piss me right off is the lack of unity in front of the kids! I think you should never undermine each other in front of the children. I think it is very important to present a united front. The time for debating is when the kids have gone out/to bed. You just don't turn to the other parent and dismiss them like that, or basically say "never mind what your mum/dad thinks/said, do this instead" It's wrong wrong wrong.

imo, if you have to have it out there and then, you say "can you give me a hand in the kitchen for a second" then you discuss in private.

hecate · 09/09/2008 10:42

oh and I think you should be passing that needle and thread to your dh...

more · 09/09/2008 15:41

To me it is just a cardigan, and it is her that has to wear it not you.
I would let her do it, because that is the "fashion" in her school at the moment, and to young people that means a lot.
I would have a look round school to see if the majority are indeed doing the same to their cardigans.
I would not do anything about it unless the school wrote to all the parents about it. Then you would also have something in writing to show your child saying that school policy dictates bla, bla, bla.
Sorry, my verdict is that YABU.

Tortington · 09/09/2008 15:43

kick him in the manjo

nob jocky

notwavingjustironing · 09/09/2008 15:45

concise and to the point as ever Custy!

Tortington · 09/09/2008 15:45

thank you

debzmb62 · 09/09/2008 16:52

first and formost i,d be angry ! and pending how bad the hole's look i,d sew them back up ! explain its a stupid thing to do speak to the teacher or better still the head they might say something to the whole school youg kids listen to teachers better !

MmeLindt · 09/09/2008 16:55

I agree that the cardy is not the issue, the fact that your DH did not back you up is. That is not ok.

Do as Custy says

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