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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a good friend to keep her anti-baby feelings to herself?

68 replies

GYo · 08/09/2008 16:33

Am possibly overeacting to something a friend said today/ in last few weeks. Sorry this is abit longwinded....

I?ve know her for 4 or 5 years or so but she has this habit of not knowing where the boundaries sit when she is offering her opinions.

Im 13wks prengnant and when we told her I knew she wasn?t keen on babies (she refers to them as aliens) which is fine as I know its not for everyone so I was really pleased when she was sounding quite enthusiastic about it, while I'd never expect her to be hands on or even hold the baby, I do hope she doesn?t call my baby an alien to my face?.

After the scans I?ve had, she has made a point to saying a couple of times that she doesn?t want to see the picture - when I wasn?t going to send it to her anyway. She made this point again when I said we had a reasonable picture from Friday?s 12wk scan (she asked me how it went, I didn?t offer information).

Today she asked me if I?d have a bump by November (when we have something planned) I said ?maybe but I have a tiny one now if I feel in the right place? ? she responded to this and said "well I wont be feeling it if you don?t mind" I certainly wouldn?t invite her or anyone other than my DH to feel it at any stage!

I am now borderline offended by her and think she is plain rude. AIBU?

This isn?t the first time- she was similarly rude about the features of my wedding venue that I particularly liked- saying it wasn?t her taste?.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 08/09/2008 16:35

Yes she's rude. A friend should be able to remain silent on things that she's not keen on.

kitsmummy · 08/09/2008 16:36

errrm yes, she is quite rude. Sounds like she has proper issues, as opposed to just not particularly being into kids.

Ledodgy · 08/09/2008 16:38

I think maybe it's time for a friendship cull.

FioFio · 08/09/2008 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe · 08/09/2008 16:39

her reaction is quite rude, but...

If you're not into babies then it can be a bit dull having to listen to other people going on about them.

JacobsPrincess · 08/09/2008 16:39

YANBU she is just rude. Find something to criticise about her and see hoe she likes it (blowing raspberry emoticon)

Original poster
GYo · 08/09/2008 16:40

True- but I've deliberately not gone on as I know what she is like. She asks the questions, gets the replies and then says stuff like that.....

OP posts:
wuzzlefraggle · 08/09/2008 16:41

imo that is quite rude...yanbu

mummy5bellies · 08/09/2008 16:41

she's very rude and clearly has no concept of how her comments can hurt. I suspect she says unthinking things about many people/things/places all the time. the important thing is that if she upsets you while you're pregnant you should seek out new/other friends to spend time with, ones who are positive and supportive. Here endeth the lesson......

Niecie · 08/09/2008 16:43

I think she doth protest to much actually.

She keeps bringing up the baby not you and I wonder if she is secretly feeling a bit broody herself and but is trying to kid herself she isn't interested/doesn't want a baby.

Even so, whether she has hang ups or not she does sound very rude.

cmotdibbler · 08/09/2008 16:43

I do think you are a bit unreasonable. It sounds like she is just being clear about her feelings and letting you know. She's not uninterested, just has clear limits on what she will do.

I have a friend who is child free and makes her feelings clear. When I was pg, I never talked to her about it all unless she asked and then kept it to a minimum. Unfortunatly she has had experiences where people go on and on about it all, try to get her to touch their bumps (it seriously freaks her out to see the baby moving, let alone touch it) and want her to get excited about their scan pictures.

I value the honesty of this friend about everything - she's the first to tell you that the frock you like makes your arse look huge, or indeed drop dead sexy. If this isn't a quality you value in your friend, then maybe its not a friendship to continue.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 08/09/2008 16:45

She sounds as if she has ishooes.

Although all 3 of mine did look like aliens. They were the spitting image of yoda as newborns.

branflake81 · 08/09/2008 16:47

Yes she's rude but I suspect it's for "honourable" reasons. She is probably scared she will lose you as a friend. Your relationship will change as you get more pregnant, have kids and socalise with mummy types. I think she is probably worried about feeling left behind and excluded.

Original poster
GYo · 08/09/2008 16:47

cmotdibbler - you have a good point here and your friend sounds like a good friend. As is mine- most of the time. I've tolerated her directness for a good few years, sometimes its good, sometimes not.

Thing is we agreed boundaries when we first told her about it- I said I wont go on, and wont expect her to hold the baby etc or be involved and she continues to ask the questions, which I answer- then I get unwelcome comments....

ho hum

OP posts:
Original poster
GYo · 08/09/2008 16:51

Good point branflake - I felt a bit odd when my really good friend got PG this time last year. Worried I would lose her- but I guess it was better as I knew I wasnt that far behind her.

JimJam- I was amused aboutyour babies looking like Yoda.. suppose they all do---but its ok to insult your own family but its not ok for someone else to do it.

OP posts:
foxytocin · 08/09/2008 17:00

I would outrightly tell her that she does not have to remind you at every turn that she is not a fan of babies, pg, and children and that even without her prompts, you intend to keep the blow by blow acct of your pg out of her face.

Try to do it with a smile. Not easy but it will help.

2beornot2be · 08/09/2008 17:09

R u sure your friend has not had a miscarriage or any problems relating to having a child in the past?? Very strange the way she is acting maybe she is jealous that your having a child espeically if you go out alot together maybe she thinks your friendship will kinda end once the baby arrives I would talk to her and find out what the real problem is.

poppy34 · 08/09/2008 17:15

she does sound like she may not be that tactful (based on wedding venue comment) but tbh lots of people do find the whole pregnant bump/scan photos a bit weird like cmotdibblers friend - I know I did. I wasn't mad about my own scan photos and have always felt a bit odd about baby bumps esp those celebs who show them off - and I'm afraid that didnt change with my own pregnancy.

I would just keep off the subject of babies - question is if you overlook some of her tactless ways is she a good friend in other ways?

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/09/2008 17:17

sounds a bit jealous to me

LiittleMiiss · 08/09/2008 17:19

it's a bit strange that she makes comments like that when she started talking about it! YANBU she is being rude!

Jux · 08/09/2008 17:27

I think she's asking how things are with you because she is concerned about you. When she asks how the scan went, you can just say 'fine' or 'great'. If you tell her there's a really good picture she'll think you want to show it to her, so she is telling you straight away that she doesn't want you to.

I think she is a friend to be valued while you can.

BigBadMousey · 08/09/2008 17:36

I immediately thought exactly the same as 2beornot2b. I knew someone very much like this and I found out years later she could not have DCs herself. She had been putting on a front to convince herself that she didn't want any anyway .

I have other friends who really don't like kids but they are no way near as extreme in their responses as your friend.

I agree with those who say she has 'issues'

Servalan · 08/09/2008 17:46

Golly gosh! Sounds like your friend has biiig ishoooos!!! In fact it sounds like she's bordering on phobic. I would personally feel very, very sorry for her before being offended.

However, of course it is hurtful to you during this really exciting time and of course she should be trying to exercise some tact!

If you want to continue the friendship, is it worth trying tactfully to find out why she feels like this and what would make her feel more comfortable - and in turn give her your groundrules about the kind of comments you really need her to keep to herself so that you also feel happy and comfortable in the friendship.

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 08/09/2008 17:46

GYo, I had a friend like this when I was pg with my first. You'll be astonished to hear the friendship didn't survive!

My old friend used to mock me for being 'broody' when I was pregnant. I wasn't actually broody, longing to hold a baby etc.. But she made out I'd been secretly reading baby mags for years

When I told her my daughter's name she put her hand over her mouth and collapsed into fake laughter, saying "oh sorry, I can't help it". But she could help it, she was doing it on purpose.

As bigbadmousey said though,,, my 'friend' had had an abortion (years earlier though) and I think she persuaded herself, brainwashed herself into believing that she found children and babies repulsive.

ipanemagirl · 08/09/2008 17:52

Gyo, I'm torn between thinking how totally weird/rude of her to feeling a bit sorry for her.

As she's being so honest, maybe you could say something along the lines of:
I know you find a lot of this distasteful and I'm happy just not to talk about it but I find it a little upsetting when you're acting all revolted about something that is actually quite special to me. Or something along those lines. If she's that hysterical maybe she'd welcome an agreement not to talk about it!

I don't think you should just leave it, it's not at all nice to be on the end of that.

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