To expect a good friend to keep her anti-baby feelings to herself?

[GYo]

Am possibly overeacting to something a friend said today/ in last few weeks. Sorry this is abit longwinded....

I?ve know her for 4 or 5 years or so but she has this habit of not knowing where the boundaries sit when she is offering her opinions.

Im 13wks prengnant and when we told her I knew she wasn?t keen on babies (she refers to them as aliens) which is fine as I know its not for everyone so I was really pleased when she was sounding quite enthusiastic about it, while I'd never expect her to be hands on or even hold the baby, I do hope she doesn?t call my baby an alien to my face?.

After the scans I?ve had, she has made a point to saying a couple of times that she doesn?t want to see the picture - when I wasn?t going to send it to her anyway. She made this point again when I said we had a reasonable picture from Friday?s 12wk scan (she asked me how it went, I didn?t offer information).

Today she asked me if I?d have a bump by November (when we have something planned) I said ?maybe but I have a tiny one now if I feel in the right place? ? she responded to this and said "well I wont be feeling it if you don?t mind" I certainly wouldn?t invite her or anyone other than my DH to feel it at any stage!

I am now borderline offended by her and think she is plain rude. AIBU?

This isn?t the first time- she was similarly rude about the features of my wedding venue that I particularly liked- saying it wasn?t her taste?.

I started out reading this thread thinking she had isseus, and was quite agreeing with cmotdibbler, till I read your latest posts.

It seems to me you are threading on eggshells with this friends now. You are guarding what you are saying, you are so aware of her and her reaction, this seems to come between your friendship. You are no longer yourself with her. It means the friendship is doomed already, in my opinion.

Most women who fall pregnant will at least have ONE such friend or aquaintance who is "the antibaby friend". I have had my fair few. One such friendship I maintained until this year, and my oldest is 6, and tbh, it has been 6 years of justifying myself, my parenting, my lifechoices, as she was so far from me, even we are both now in our late thirties, it became a real strain. Others, dropped me like a hot potato when I fell pregnant a few years after starting my career. These were mostly just young free and single drinking buddies, so it was ok. Another friend, who I cared a great deal about, just feels repulsed by mums, motherhood, babies. I have not seen him since the birth of my oldest. No Loss, really.

Friendships change. Motherhood changes a great many friendships. Some of my best friends also dont have kids, and have been supportive through my pregnancies, loving towards my children.

Now is the time for you to decide which friends to keep on, as seriously, you dont need the grief and criticism and the constant second quessing the antibaby friend will give you. Be kind to yourself: Let her go.

The end is in sight for this friendship GYo - her loss.

I'd hang onto her - you have no idea how refreshing it will be in a few months' time to have someone around who doesn't only want to tak about your baby/compare their baby to yours/discuss different approaches to bringing up babies. Accept that she isn't that interested in your baby/pregnancy and find something ele to talk about.

Most of my really good friends are childfree, single and not particularly interested in kids. None of them are rude and say childish things like 'don't bother showing me your scan pics'. She sounds like a prat, and possibly a bitter, jealous one at that.

Can't you find a nicer friend? She sounds like hard work. Does SHE have any friends of her own?

It sounds to me like she is one of those people who have barely suppressed dislike of certain things and wants an opportunity to let rip. You are not giving her that opportunity by going on about the pregnancy and she is creating opportunities for herself.

Next time she asks any baby-related questions just ask her, 'Are you really interested?', or 'I thought you weren't interested in babies'. Then when she says she isn't ask her why she is constantly bringing the subject up.

She may not like babies but things like this can spoil the experience for you and that is unfair of her and not the behaviour of a friend.

Are you sure she doesn't like babies?

I was very rude to a friend when he was showing baby photos around - it still makes me shudder now, to think what I said. At the time I was 5 years in TTC and it was a defense mechanism on my part - to make people think I was childless because that was the way I wanted it.

I think I do need to find a nicer friend. I've got lots of single/ not married(or in serious r'ship)/childless friends and none of the others are making me feel odd. Most are very enthusiastic and supportive, saying the 'right' things etc

I've no idea if she is 'faking it' re not liking babies. She is slighly eccentric, lives alone, no serious relationships in past etc. She is very controlling so may have an issue living with anyone now after years of being single anyway. I guess its possible that she actually craves marriage, kids etc but sees its unlikely so is rude about it all instead.

As I mentioned in the OP, she was similarly rude about aspects of my wedding venue so maybe there is some truth it in.

Either that or she is plain rude and cant keep her comments to herself!

Reading all these makes me realise that moving to being a mother is a big change - im only just understanding this at 17wks preg - and I will gain/lose friends during this time. If I stop worrying about her views/comments I will get on better. Besides I've got some great mates that I want to see much more who are lovely - some with and some without babies etc!

Bit of an update on this one..

After a lot of discussion, friend eventually confessed to having phobia of small dependent babies. She is ok with kids over 3 but babies/ pregnancy she doesnt like. Bit odd, but thats her I guess. I explained I wasnt going to ask her to look at scans, come and see new born (and if she does I wont ask her to hold it etc). I also explained I was really hurt and upset by her reaction and said she had been really quite rude in making her anti baby feelings so obvious to me.

She said she is pleased for me but doesnt want details of anything pregnancy related.
So for sake of not losing a friend I decided to accept this and I only give info when she asks but generally just reference safe stuff my SPD issues and preparation of nursery etc. All fine.

Tomorrow we are going for 4d scan. She asked what my w/e plans were so I said what we were doing. She asked what it was, so I explained and said it was quite clever and meant you can see the baby's face etc. She just said "thats really freaky"

Not that bothered by the comment itself (maybe it will be freaky ) but bothered that she thought it was ok to say something like that after the conversations we had before and when I was clearly looking fwd to scan. BAby will be here in 9wks. Wonder if she will consider newborn face too freaky to look at too!

Probably isnt an AIBU now but felt need to rant!

Feel free to ignore...

suppose its something you either except from your friend and still see her or something that would annoy you and eat away at you and she's best avoided

FWIW I found out one of my friends "hates" babies, tells everyone, but actually for her its easier than admitting she'd have loved kids but never met the right man

Hate the way threads die and you often never find out what happened.... (also v bored at 3am feed

So, update here is that I've had the baby, beautiful baby girl born on mother's day . She is now 9wks.

"Friend" came down to meet DD last week. Lots of good intention. Small gift for DD and previously she'd sent me a massage at home voucher (straight after the birth) so very kind.

But she is still behaving so oddly towards the baby. Wont call her by her name, still says "bun" which is what she refered to her as before she was born. We spent 2hrs having lunch in a pub. She wasnt remotely interested in seeing her, asking about her or how I was getting on at all. It was like the pram next to us wasnt there. Fortunately DD slept all that time so I didnt have to embarrass both of us by feeding DD in front of her (I dont care who sees me BF but she would squirm if I did it in public- have seen her do this before to another friend)

We talked about life (her latest holiday etc) as things were pre baby. I really dont expect or want the world and conversation to revolve around me and my baby (I am pleased to talk about something else tbh!) but surely its polite to show interest.

She is what she is and clearly has issues on this subject but im always shocked by how direct she is......

Perhaps she has some social communications issues? It doesn't sound as if she is very adept at reading social clues. In some ways if she is really freaked out by babies she is showing you that she cares about your friendship enough to want to get past that and stay friends. That doesn't mean that you will want to remain friends of course, but it might be more than simple rudeness. I think some people find small babies positively scary. It might not be rational, but then how many people are frightened by spiders?

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, GYo!

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

This will sound harsh but I only say it because I had a friend like this when my DD1 was born and to be honest my own sister was similar too!

But some people just are not interested in your baby. I know, hard to believe!! But they just do not know what to say or how to act. The fact that she has met up with you both and given a thoughtful present means she does care.

I would just accept that she is not interested and leave it at that, carry on with your friendship and move on.

It will be so different when/if she ever has a baby, trust me i know

Congratulations , I have read this thread all through, realised it was an old one and assumed we wouldn't have had an update
Nothing to add that hasn't already been said but it seems as though you're keeping to your end of the 'bargain' and she's not. And I agree you should tone it down with her (as you already had) but not to be able to mention or talk about the biggest thing in your life at the moment is a false friendship IMO

newpup, fair enough, I have colleagues who when I talk about DS their eyes glaze over and I need to remind myself that not everyone appreciates his wonderfullness but the OP's friend asks questions and then makes remarks when the OP answers!

Definately a good point newpup. I really respect that. This situation is just weird though. I dont push the issue whatsoever though.

Hard not to feel bit put out when she visbly turned away from looking when I transfered DD from pram to car.

An example of her kindness/ oddness is that her mum knitted DD a cardi. Not met her mum but v kind of her. Upon receiving this before dd was born I was enthusing and expressing my gratitude. I asked for her mums email address so I could drop her an email with a pic of baby in the cardi once born by way of thanks. She replied with, "oh dont- my mum really dislikes newborns too"....

Really think she has baby related history or really wants what she is unlikely to ever have.

There is no point to my saying all this but it makes me feel better.

Thankgoodness for my lovely nct friends!