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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a good friend to keep her anti-baby feelings to herself?

68 replies

GYo · 08/09/2008 16:33

Am possibly overeacting to something a friend said today/ in last few weeks. Sorry this is abit longwinded....

I?ve know her for 4 or 5 years or so but she has this habit of not knowing where the boundaries sit when she is offering her opinions.

Im 13wks prengnant and when we told her I knew she wasn?t keen on babies (she refers to them as aliens) which is fine as I know its not for everyone so I was really pleased when she was sounding quite enthusiastic about it, while I'd never expect her to be hands on or even hold the baby, I do hope she doesn?t call my baby an alien to my face?.

After the scans I?ve had, she has made a point to saying a couple of times that she doesn?t want to see the picture - when I wasn?t going to send it to her anyway. She made this point again when I said we had a reasonable picture from Friday?s 12wk scan (she asked me how it went, I didn?t offer information).

Today she asked me if I?d have a bump by November (when we have something planned) I said ?maybe but I have a tiny one now if I feel in the right place? ? she responded to this and said "well I wont be feeling it if you don?t mind" I certainly wouldn?t invite her or anyone other than my DH to feel it at any stage!

I am now borderline offended by her and think she is plain rude. AIBU?

This isn?t the first time- she was similarly rude about the features of my wedding venue that I particularly liked- saying it wasn?t her taste?.

OP posts:
lingle · 08/09/2008 18:09

I have a similarly rude friend, C. But when a mutual acquaintance's baby died, it was C who spent day after day with the bereaved mother, controlling her drinking, taking her phone calls - this went on for months. Those of us who were more skilled in diplomacy did not pull our weight as much.

You friend is rude but try to remember the positive reasons why you made friends with her - I'm sure she was rude then too!

And it's a no-brainer that your pregnancy makes her think about her own childless state more intensely, and perhaps makes her defensive.

nowirehangers · 08/09/2008 18:13

Hmmm
She is being weird
TBH - some friendships do not survive the birth of your pfb. Sounds to me as if this will be one of them. If she's so revolted by a scan picture and a bump what will she be like about baby puke and nappies? I think she's a bit jealous, a bit scared of losing you but she is dealing with it badly and I suspect you'll find when you're busy with a newborn that you have better things to do than keep up with someone like that who ain't gonna be understanding of the new reality of your life. It's sad but it's the way it goes ime

Original poster
GYo · 08/09/2008 20:20

Thanks for all your comments- I really wasnt sure whether to post this here but Im glad I did as its made me see all sides of the situation. I will think about how to handle it....

I think/ know she has a bunch of insecurities but she'd never own up to actually wanting to get married/ have kids even if she does want to.. she is just that kind of person.

thanks again.

OP posts:
Bewilderbeast · 08/09/2008 20:24

I have a friend like this. Turns out she had had to have an abortion after falling pregnant after a rape by an abusive husband and didn't think it was a good situation to bring a baby into. Sometimes that kind of attitude can be a defence mechanism.

solidgoldbrass · 08/09/2008 20:24

It depends if her other good qualities are worth more to you than her tendency to be tactless and/or rude. I have one or two rude friends who are valuable to me in other ways: I just remain aware that they are rude and don't let it bother me.

noonki · 08/09/2008 20:30

my friend is like this

the first time she met my DS1 she ignored him and spoke about our dog

turns out her DH is impotent and infertile

she is one of my best mates still, she doesn't do kid talk, and is quite refreshing to be around

tell her it upset you, and let her know how precious mums are about their baby's (don't invite her round till you are on your feet)

noonki · 08/09/2008 20:30

my friend is like this

the first time she met my DS1 she ignored him and spoke about our dog

turns out her DH is impotent and infertile

she is one of my best mates still, she doesn't do kid talk, and is quite refreshing to be around

tell her it upset you, and let her know how precious mums are about their baby's (don't invite her round till you are on your feet)

cmotdibbler · 08/09/2008 20:59

I should have said actually, that what I would have said to my friend if she asked about the scan was 'great, thanks' and that would be it. She was incredibly supportive when I had 3 miscarriages in a row - much more than other friends who had children/ wer pg/ttc and just didn't want to think about it, also dropped everything to come visit us in hospital when he was prem and in SCBU unlike any of our family. And she's great with the toddlers - its not that she doesn't want to be around them at all, just does things on her own terms.

Anglepoise · 08/09/2008 21:04

Haven't read all the replies but I had a friend who similarly was adamant she had no interest in scan photos and seemed very anti-baby etc. It wasn't until I was pregnant myself that she told me that she had had a termination years earlier and now had ongoing problems and couldn't conceive as a result.

So YANBU but there may be more to the story than you realise.

Original poster
GYo · 08/09/2008 21:18

Hi Anglepoise, that point is really interesting and has made me wonder now... Not sure I can just come out with it and ask her! but might be worth talking to her more....

OP posts:
Original poster
GYo · 05/10/2008 17:00

I was the OP-er for this thread, I started it a few weeks ago, I wanted to make an update after another "incident"

I have managed to avoid any baby conversation with this friend (who has been really clear about not liking babies etc since I told her about pregnancy) unless she brings up, then I provide minimal responses.
As I dont want to delve into her baby related issues nor do I want to make it worse so Im avoiding the subject for now- probably not the best idea but still...

Today she has asked me how things were re pregnancy? I said fine thanks but thats all.

My DH is very busy til xmas with a study course as well as full time work - baby due march. She asked about this, so I said we were both (DH and I) looking forward to life after xmas when we have more time. She immediately said "what, in the 3months before the baby?" followed up by "its a shame he (DH) wont get very long to have time to himself before baby".

She seeems to think having a baby is a big issue for us- something we dont want or planned.

AIBU to be furious now and think she damn rude?

I know I should probably move on to friends with more in common but right now Im quite annoyed!

OP posts:
AstroPup · 05/10/2008 17:10

She's being an insensitive so and so.
Whatever her issues are, she is making you feel uncomfortable - and imo there is no way she isn't aware of how she is making you feel, in fact I think it's her intention.
Take a step back from her if you can, hopefully you have other, more supportive, friends and she won't be much of a loss.

chequers · 05/10/2008 17:17

I have a friend who doesn't like kids much either.

I loved seeing her after dd was born as she was the only visitor who actually had a conversation with me rather than cooing at dd and ignoring everything I said.

Does sound like your friend is being rude though - I would just call her on it if I were in your shoes, give her a chance to either explain or make amends.

I can see her point regarding your DH too - she just hasn't phrased it very well.

knockedgymnast · 05/10/2008 17:18

Sorry, not read all the thread.

Perhaps she's had a termination and feels awkward about babies. A good friend of mine acted like this for a long time, until she told me the reasons behind it

ShyBaby · 05/10/2008 17:21

She is rude. I dont particularly like kids apart from my own and my friends.

I also have one friend who doesn't particularly like kids (doesnt have any) yet she loves mine.

I would never take a job like childminder, nursery nurse etc because it would be hell for me but im not nasty about kids.

My colleague shocked me the other week when one of our managers brought his little boy in. He was going, told the little boy to say "bye bye" so I waved to him. Little boy then said "im going home now" colleague said loudly "GOOD".

Bitch. No need for that. This girl was a teaching assistant? shudder

hecate · 05/10/2008 20:55

next time she asks you anything, why not say "why are you asking me, we both know how you feel about babies, I don't fancy any more comments from you, to be honest!"

mytetherisending · 05/10/2008 21:00

YANBU she is rude.
With friends like that who needs enemies. Friends are supposed to take pleasure in each others happiness, even if they wouldn't be happy themselves.

MsSparkle · 05/10/2008 21:17

In all honesty i think this friendship will fizzle out when your baby comes anyway. You will be so preoccupied with your new baby as well as making new friends with children, so she will just fade from your life anyway.

StayFrosty · 06/10/2008 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 00:30

I'm with Hecate - I think I'd laugh and say to her "We're handling the whle thing fine thanks, I'm a bit worried about how you're handling it though!" In fact I would laugh a lot and make it clear that I fnd her attitude very amusing.

Or bin her.

mindalina · 06/10/2008 00:32

She sounds like a crap friend imo. Sorry to be blunt, but that's just my humble opinion.

My very best friend in all the world is not into children even a little bit and I should imagine she thought I was absolutely barking when I announced my pregnancy, but she kept her gob shut with regards to her personal feelings about it, and made a massive effort to maintain our friendship.

Oh and my friend had a termination at 17 fwiw - I really don't think that's an excuse to behave like crap towards a good friend.

Original poster
GYo · 06/10/2008 08:58

Thanks for all your views. Its hard for me to be objective when it so close...

When she made the comments yesterday I did call her on it, well I told her very bluntly having a baby wasnt an issue for us... Although it was over MSN so might have not had as much effect as face to face.
She has a skin of a rhino which doesnt help.

Think i will cool off and the next comment I will tell her straight.
Think you are right MsSparkle, things will change post baby anyway.

I have another friend who is completely single and though would like marriage/ kids etc she doesnt have that. She is very excited about it for me and that is how it should be- regardless of how she is feeling....

OP posts:
twinkle3869 · 06/10/2008 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMattie · 06/10/2008 22:11

What kind of friend can't be gracious and happy when her supposed mate is pregnant for the first time? She sounds like an immature bitch.

Original poster
GYo · 07/10/2008 08:13

I think this friend did "try" to be enthusiastic. When we first told her she was shocked. Almost put out as we'd always said to everyone we'd wait until Jan 09 before even trying to conceive. Assumed it was an "acccident". Then she was a bit enthusiastic, said lets go out for a meal as celebration. I was pleased she suggested but not really physically fit enough to go out (had been at early preg: had been at work all day/v tired/sick) but we went out anyway. She asked all the questions, I didnt tell her stuff without being asked.

That was that, weird comments ever since. Friendships are weird, not like a relationship where its easy to say its not working and not see each other again.

Im sure she'd come and visit but again not sure i'd want that anyway. She was once here when a good friend of mine was here with husband and baby. Good friend was BFing baby and she practically left room re embarrassment (she more or less put hand over eyes) re breastfeeding. Made ALL of us uncomfortable.

The writing is on the wall with this one...

OP posts:
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