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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be totally and utterly fed up of people constantly telling couples that their relationships are inferior if they are not having sex at every opportunity

76 replies

fairywing · 05/09/2008 10:41

Grrr this is something that has really annoyed my for a while now but i have just been watching the phone in on the topic on The Wright Stuff. I am in a very very happy relationship of 9 1/2 yrs. My husband an i met when i was 15 and he 17 and we married last year. In the early years we were admittedly at it like rabbits! However over the last 5 years sex has been less important. I don't have a particularly high sex drive and work hard as does my husband although he has a higher sex drive. Sex simply isn't the most important thing in our relationship. We are currently TTC so have made a conscious effort to spice things up a little and are enjoying that but if we weren't TTC we wouldn't be doing it as much. Or relationship is very strong, even when we aren't having a lot of sex we kiss, we cuddle and most importantly we talk. To me those are the most improtant parts of our relationship. I spent a good few years thinking that all of this meant that there was something wrong with me. Thinking that the fact that i could sometimes have a couple of months without sex without particularly noticing meant that there must be something wrong with our relationship. After a while i came to realise that this wasnt the case. I talked to my husband about this and we both agreed that although he moght ideally like sex a little more we are both happy with the way things are. We both fancy each other and both enjoy sex when it does happen. Surely thats what is improtant rather than how often you do it?? I have since had similar conversations with friends who have said that they are exactly the same. For me sex when it does happen is special and spontaneous and rarely not good rather than being part of the routine. So why do the media constantly reinforce this message that if you are not having sex at least three times a week there is something wrong with either you or your relationship and you need counselling

So i really don't think i am but AIBU or is it about time the realy picture of sex in long term relationships was revealed and the fact that a lack of sex does not make your relationship stale or meaningless.

Rant over

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 05/09/2008 10:44

If we did and there was no contraception can you imagine how many children we would have? Aren't they the ultimate contraception? ..

rebelmum1 · 05/09/2008 10:46

Yeah it's such a nonsense about sex 3 times a day, totally different when there is excitement in the air, when you live together in domestic harmony it peters out a bit. Best way to get things going is to live seperately !!

singyswife · 05/09/2008 10:48

I agree fairywing, a good relationship is not built on sex it is built on trust, laughter, understanding and the ability to communicate. You are allowed to rant. Carry on!!!!!

MorningTownRide · 05/09/2008 10:49

YANBU - There does seem to be a media thing that if you're not at it like rabbits your realtionship is doomed.

High days and holidays...

Dropdeadfred · 05/09/2008 10:49

But your husband would like it more...you said so yourself...

Chuffinnora · 05/09/2008 10:51

I agree. DH and I hardly get down to it these days but it doesn't mean we are about to split up. We've been together for 15 years have 2 children a full and a part time job (with a long commute) and he spends a least 2 nights away on business. Phew! Who has the energy??

AbbaFan · 05/09/2008 10:53

I agree OP, and like you most of my friends feel the same.

The only thing I do notice though, is that if it's been longer than about 3 weeks, my DH does seem to get extra grumpy and then we start bickering. So it needs to be fairly regular to avoid that, but not like 3 times a week. Who has time for that FGS!!!!

kiddiz · 05/09/2008 10:54

I never have got the fascinatiion with other people's sex lives and how often others have sex.
I think that these people probably have crap sex lives and are just looking to be reassured that others are the same.

rebelmum1 · 05/09/2008 10:56

yeah but i fancy it less when it gets to grumpy point, fancy it even less after i have washed his dirty socks.. might fancy it more if he did more washing up though

kiddiz · 05/09/2008 10:57

Also IMO a relationship based only on regular sex is probably doomed anyway. If 3 times a week is the benchmark then DH and I should have split up years ago!!!!!

babyinbelly · 05/09/2008 10:59

I dont think that yabu. We had sex marginally more when ttc but now that we have we have only had sex once. (Am 14weeks pg)

We are very happy. Happier now then when we were having sex every day (in the early days)And I think that as our love has grown the need to be having sex constanly has reduced.

The media is crap and doesn't actually see what goes on in real relationships.

Whats more. My dp goes to work at 6am and I work evenings until 11pm. Hence the reason we dont have sex that often. One of us is always asleep!

clam · 05/09/2008 10:59

I grew up with my dad constantly (well, occasionally) tutting about couples who slept in single beds/separate rooms, whose marriages were, according to him, clearly heading for trouble. But, having been married to an insomniac who cannot sleep if there is ANY noise (like breathing on my part) or movement nearby (like me turning over) I would say that the spare room has saved our marriage. He trots off after an hour or so, gets some sleep, comes back first thing for a cuddle, and is not a grumpy old sod through sleep deprivation like he used to be before we resorted to this plan. Others might be horrified, but it works for us.

MrsMattie · 05/09/2008 11:00

I agree with you@OP. If both of you feel this way.

babyinbelly · 05/09/2008 11:02

Excellent thread I think.

DaphneMoon · 05/09/2008 11:04

Abbafan, I thought I was the only one who had a DP who gets mardy if he goes without. His mood gets worse and grumpier each day. When he has had a bit he is like a teenager the next day!! Fortunatly having only been together 4 years it is still fairly regular, however his sex drive is higher than mine. Think that is the case with most people.

Janni · 05/09/2008 11:09

The three times or more a week benchmark is fine for young, energetic, fairly new couples without children.

Successful long term relationships which have resulted in children, are based on SO much much more than how often you have sex. Sometimes it's loads, sometimes it's not at all, depending on what else is going on.

It's so simplistic to take weekly frequency as a guide to the health of a long term partnership.

Original poster

fairywing · 05/09/2008 11:18

Dropdeadfred my husband would in an ideal world like more but i would like more sex, i would in an ideal world like more flowers bought for me but it doesn't make our relationship any worse for me not getting them, nor would it make it any better if i did, and for that matter nor am i any less happy without them! It woudl just be a bonus if i did. Its simply not that important. Probably a bad analogy

Very refreshing though to know that me and my friends aren't the only ones in relationships where sex isn't the be all and end all

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 05/09/2008 11:18

As long as it is at a level you both want I think there isn't a problem. It does become a problem when one partner wants sex more than the other and you don't discuss it or compromise.
I think loads of relationships split up over arguments about sex and money and because of this I make an effort to be honest and open about it.

Dropdeadfred · 05/09/2008 11:19

Janni - DH and I don't fit into that category - we have been together over 12 years and have three children...I would be if we thought like that!!
Who has time? - Dont most couples go tobed together at night?

peacelily · 05/09/2008 11:20

Dh gets nasty and irritabe after about a week, got a much higher sex drive than bit of an issue TBH.

i don't know about the nedia but I have a "friend" who for 13 years has gone on and on about how amazing her and her dhs sex life is. Fair enough at Uni when she first met him and she was 21 he was 19 but still now it's just irritating, immatue and well, a bit wierd I think. she brings sex into the conversation at every very tenuous opportunity.

I feel like screaming at her, yes xxxx I know you're still a red hot couple (even tho your dh looks like penfold), I know childcare and feeling stressed, worn out, sleep deprived and anxious about work and the house don't inhibit your amazing sex life but they do the rest of us so f**k off!! (and my dh is a lot more manly so there).

thelittlestbadger · 05/09/2008 11:23

No YANBU. It is the media (usually) getting confused by the difference between no physical contact or proper conversation for weeks on end and couples who cuddle/ kiss/ talk etc but who don't have sex very often.

Chuffinnora · 05/09/2008 11:24

I think as long as you are still talking and laughing together and you actively want to spend time together then a relationship can take a sex drought and survive. In many ways I feel more cherished and loved after a good conversation and a laugh than I do after sex because of the mental connection.

(That sounds a bit lentil weaverery and that's really not me but...[bush])

Anna8888 · 05/09/2008 11:25

I don't agree.

I quickly get really unhappy if I'm not having sex often enough.

Chuffinnora · 05/09/2008 11:25

Not bush but

Janni · 05/09/2008 11:26

DropdeadFred - I'm delighted for you, but I have a feeling you're not in the majority, to be having sex three times a week after 12 years and 3 kids.

Guess we'll never really know though

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