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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be totally and utterly fed up of people constantly telling couples that their relationships are inferior if they are not having sex at every opportunity

76 replies

fairywing · 05/09/2008 10:41

Grrr this is something that has really annoyed my for a while now but i have just been watching the phone in on the topic on The Wright Stuff. I am in a very very happy relationship of 9 1/2 yrs. My husband an i met when i was 15 and he 17 and we married last year. In the early years we were admittedly at it like rabbits! However over the last 5 years sex has been less important. I don't have a particularly high sex drive and work hard as does my husband although he has a higher sex drive. Sex simply isn't the most important thing in our relationship. We are currently TTC so have made a conscious effort to spice things up a little and are enjoying that but if we weren't TTC we wouldn't be doing it as much. Or relationship is very strong, even when we aren't having a lot of sex we kiss, we cuddle and most importantly we talk. To me those are the most improtant parts of our relationship. I spent a good few years thinking that all of this meant that there was something wrong with me. Thinking that the fact that i could sometimes have a couple of months without sex without particularly noticing meant that there must be something wrong with our relationship. After a while i came to realise that this wasnt the case. I talked to my husband about this and we both agreed that although he moght ideally like sex a little more we are both happy with the way things are. We both fancy each other and both enjoy sex when it does happen. Surely thats what is improtant rather than how often you do it?? I have since had similar conversations with friends who have said that they are exactly the same. For me sex when it does happen is special and spontaneous and rarely not good rather than being part of the routine. So why do the media constantly reinforce this message that if you are not having sex at least three times a week there is something wrong with either you or your relationship and you need counselling

So i really don't think i am but AIBU or is it about time the realy picture of sex in long term relationships was revealed and the fact that a lack of sex does not make your relationship stale or meaningless.

Rant over

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 12:26

i can see how things can go awry if one you is under the impression that having regular sexis fine at the start of a relationship but expects it to dimish to occasionally later and the other had no such thought or inclination

or fine lots of sex while ttc but little the rest of the time

that does seem like it could be fraught

DaddyJ · 05/09/2008 12:28

If I said to the missus
'ideally, I would like to have more sex'
and she said
'ideally, I would like to receive flowers more often,
but that's not gonna happen, so let's just agree that we are both happy',
I am not sure I would be. I mean happy.

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 12:30

for some women sex seems ver closely linked to having children and once they are here they dont see the point any more

if your partner finds that a revelation its a bit unfortunate

it seems not unusaual from posts on mn

BarbieLovesKen · 05/09/2008 12:31

Think sex is very very important.

Without would feel that dh is just friend/ brother type.

Obviously not 3 times a day but I would get very very concerned about my relationship if we went without for months

Dont see why 3 times a week seems extreme almost?!!

Original poster

fairywing · 05/09/2008 12:32

I think those that have said that each relationship is different are right. The thing i find frustrating is the constant suggestions that there must be something wrong if you are not having what they define as regular sex. Sometimes it is a problem, sometimes it isn't. For those that it isn't they shouldn't be made to feel that it is.

As for me and my hubby. It honestly isn't an issue. It was when i, possibly we to some extent, were stressing about it not being normal. Now though, if my hubby feels he isn't getting enough at any time he lets me know one way or another and we set aside some 'us' time.

OP posts:

DaphneMoon · 05/09/2008 12:34

My Ex was not a particularly affectionate either, holding hands or anything like that. He is what I would describe as emotionally retarded! Recoils if his mother tries to kiss him etc. Only really shows affection to our DS. It was a very cold marriage in the end!

Oblomov · 05/09/2008 12:35

We are similar to OP. We might not have sex for a while, sometimes even a couple of months. But we do trot along, very affectionate. And I do like giving BJ's !!
I am pg, but last month on our wedding anniversary we had sex 4 times.
I think my dh would like it more. Every time I do have sex, I am reminded how much I enjoy it and tell myself off for not making more of an effort, more often.
I do not see our realtionship as doomed at all. Last night my dh really really snogged me and told me how much he totally loves me.
Doesn't sound like a relationship on the brink of break up, as these tv programmes suggest, to me.

MissVictoriaNSqualor · 05/09/2008 12:35

Cod, apparently, psychologically, the reason some people have sex when extremely depressed or grieving or a tragedy has happened is because it makes them feel alive?
I read it somewhere once, can't think where though. Possibly about 9/11?

PoorOldEnid · 05/09/2008 12:36

the less you have, the less you want it

and vice versa

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 12:37

i think people are sometimes reluctant to admit that they know that the gradual departure of sex from the relationship is a part of the problem either symptomatic or the cause even when at heart they do know it..and they do deny it and get defensive about it

it is a very sensitive thing

i think it is good that its openly discussed now

MissVictoriaNSqualor · 05/09/2008 12:37

That's another good point Oblomov, I think often the longer you haven't had sex for the less you miss it , so it becomes a chore, an effort, rather than enjoyable so sometimes we almost have to make the effort to remind ourselves it's good iyswim.

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 12:38

and i agree with enid last post

Original poster

fairywing · 05/09/2008 12:43

oops cross posted wit loads of people there!
DaddyJ I think the flowers thing was a bad analogy, couldnt think of a better one as i was writing, what i meant was that while my hubby might sometimes like sex more often it isn't to the extent that it caused a problem. Take last night for instance. OH tried to initiate sex after we had gone to bed, i was wiped out after a really busy day and couldnt even keep my eyes open so we 'settled' for some sleepy kissing and cuddling with the promise of an early night tonight. No biggy. I just feel that our relationship is about far more than sex, and while is does have an important role in our relationship there are other things we value more.

I don't actually think 3 times a week is excessive, it just seems to be what is quoted as being the benchmark of a normal relationship and if you don't met that standard thats when there is something wrong. Sometimes we have sex every day of the week, more often once a week, sometimes once a fortnight and yes there have been times when its been a couple of months. Those have been times when other things are happening that take priority for a little while and although not ideal our relationship didn't suffer any for it.

Thats our relationship which will be very different to other people here. That doesn't make us any better/stonger/worse/more doomed than anyone elses relationship.

My probelm is purely the fact that media and to some extent society can make people in perfectly healthy, strong relationgships feel that they need to look for a problem because they are not having what other people judge to be enough sex and that if they don't change that then there relationship is doomed.

OP posts:

DaphneMoon · 05/09/2008 12:44

I agree, sometimes when I don't fancy it I make the effort because I remember what my marriage was like and if you don't make the effort and it diminishes it could affect your relationship. Once we get started though I'm usually glad we did!.................

Well enough of the sex talk I'm off to shag hoover upstairs

squilly · 05/09/2008 12:44

I like the bush rather than the chuffinnora and love the name.

Me and DH have been together 17 years. When we do get around to it, sex is fantastic and I wonder why we don't do it more often, but work and kids have their own stresses, so it's bound to take a back seat sometimes.

I don't think our relationship is better or worse depending on our sex life...I'd say without sex at all things might be dicey, but as you get older, other things are definitely more (or at least equally) as important.

YA so NBU to be annoyed with these people who nay say relationships where you're not bonking every 2 minutes. IME these are the kind of relationships that fizzle and burn. Nice and bright, but ultimately quite short lived.

FrockHorror · 05/09/2008 12:45

Dh and I haven't had sex for almost a year but neither of us are sad about it or on the verge of splitting up. I found out I was pg in September last year and from then on, the thought of sex made me feel ill, not in a DH repulses me kind of way. I don't know why I feel like that, but I just do and then I can't actually bring myself to do it.

This went on for the whole of my pg and DH was totally understanding (as much as he could anyway) and supportive. Then I had DS and the recovery time is still ongoing so again, the thought of having sex atm just doesn't fill me with joy. I was desperate for it after DS was born but as I'm still healing from the birth I don't want to do anything to ruin me any further.

Dh now is gagging for it and keeps asking me when I'm going to be ready. He went through a stage (and quite rightly so) of wondering whether or not I still found him attractive/loved him. We have since had a long discussion on it and I have assured him he is still the love of my life and that when all is well and the bleeding stops we will resume our sex life again. This discussion was probably the most honest I've ever had about sex and actually felt that it has strengthened our relationship despite the lack of sex. So I would agree that sex is not the be all and end all, but that yes, it is important. I also agree with those who have said talking, laughing etc is important too.

DaddyJ · 05/09/2008 12:53

Fair enough, fairywing, I was barking up the wrong tree,
I suppose your OP made me think you were protesting too much.

I agree with all who have said that communication is key
and there really is no one size fits all answer.

Elasticwoman · 05/09/2008 13:37

I get more flowers from fil than from dh. That doesn't make me want to shag fil. He is 86 and probably not up for it anyway.

Ideally I should spend less time on MN.

wehaveallbeenthere · 05/09/2008 13:57

Fairywing, People aren't all the same. How often (or not) a couple has sex shouldn't be decided by others or the media. You and your significant other still desire each other. That is what is important. You are both happy. Look at the time you have been together? Who do you want to listen to? Each other or the media? Who do you trust?
The only thing you are missing is the message you seem to need to hear from other than yourselves. Try to trust your inner instincts and stop basing your relationship (sex encounters with your partner) on what the media or other says is normal. You are already doing what works for you and your partner. Oh, btw, the being able to talk to each other is what is important!

LittleMyDancing · 05/09/2008 13:58

DaddyJ - if your DW said 'I'd like flowers more often' in response to you saying you'd like sex more often, would you buy her more flowers?

DaddyJ · 05/09/2008 14:03

I would move the family to Holland

WhatFabNewNails · 05/09/2008 14:07

I think we all go through several different stages of sex drive, some lasting years. If you're lucky, yours will tally up with your partner's

Here are mine (so far)

Age 17-21 - very high
21-25 - quiet
25-28 - hot,hot,hot!
28-32 - virtually non-existent (1st child)
32-34 - hot, hot, hot!
35-37 - virtually non-existent (2nd child)
37-39 - hot,hot,hot (post vasectomy)
39-41 - quiet, sometimes v.quiet (v.tired)
41 on - noticed an increase recently so who knows!

We also have a definite monthly pattern which, oddly, doesn't tally up with ovulation.

Week 1 - period
Week 2 - raring to go! And go again!
Week 3 - Bedtime quickies.
Week 4 - Post-row quickies (I have PMT!).

Sex drives are weird. But I do believe that good sex won't make a relationship, but bad sex can break one.

3andnomore · 05/09/2008 14:15

lol @ chuff...

I agree with OP....it is ridiculous to think that sex is a way to measure a relationship.
Of course sex is important to some extend...but it is not the only important thing.

zippitippitoes · 05/09/2008 14:24

but if people are having problems in their relationship then the sexual relationship would be an essential factor to look at just not the only factor

i think to some extent the op is unjustified because she is in a long tern happy satisfying relationship not one that has hit the rocks

advice and angst is for those for whom its not gpoing as well

not looking at your relationship and thinkling of we dont have as much sex as the average i should have noticed we are falling apart

OrmIrian · 05/09/2008 14:29

I do remember many years ago a supplement in on of the red tops about 'how to spice up your love life' or some such guff. It had a picture of the cover of a couple in bed reading books . All I could think of was that DH and I reading together in bed is some of the happiest times we spend together. And it doesn't preclude sex at other times. It's about being comfortable with each other as well as attracted to each other.

However I agree with zippi that in some cases a dip in sex can be an indicator of something else going wrong.

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