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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that our dog sitter should not have told me about child abuse?

27 replies

bratnav · 02/09/2008 18:37

We have a fantastic dog sitter for when we are away on holiday, we came back from camping and were having a general conversation and she mentioned that she had worked as a carer in a childrens home. We chatted about some of the poor children she had looked after, and then she explained before I could stop her about a baby that had been sexually abused.

I now constantly feel sick and can't stop thinking about it, I managed to ask her to stop before she got to more details, but I really think that considering we have small DDs she might have thought that we didn't want to know about such things.

OP posts:
cheeset · 02/09/2008 18:44

Sounds like she off-loaded on you. Put it out of your mind if you can, prob difficult because no one knows what you heard but you cant do much else can you?

Sounds like she didn't think about the- you having kids senario in that sense, maybe that you'd understand more how precious kids are because you have kids.

Does that make sense?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/09/2008 18:45

It's my personal feeling that it's better to know the risks than to stick your head in the sand. Surely you already knew that such acts happen? Does having daughters make you more squeamish than having sons?

(I have sons)

Original poster
bratnav · 02/09/2008 18:49

This was within a family, and it was a 6 week old baby boy.

The other older children were taken away at the same time as the same had been happening since birth.

I know awful things like this happen and probably far more frequently that we all imagine, but I did not need details of how someone sexually abuses a baby

OP posts:
spicemonster · 02/09/2008 18:51

In my experience, people who do cat and dog sitting are a bit odd.

Not that I ever make sweeping generalisations or anything ...

Backgammon · 02/09/2008 18:55

As a total aside do you always leave the dog behind when you go camping? Am toying with the idea of camping with the dog and wondered if you'd ever tried it?

CrushWithEyeliner · 02/09/2008 19:04

Jesus

objectivityislivid · 02/09/2008 19:06

I am prone to giving too much detail - it comes from being rather unshockable personally. I always think, however, that we should not shy away from hearing these things. Head in sand and all that...

nametaken · 02/09/2008 19:13

The poor thing just wanted to offload. Imagine working in that profession (and, obviously, someone has too) and bearing all that sadness and cruelty without ever being able to speak to anyone about it.

Original poster
bratnav · 02/09/2008 19:20

but she doesn't do it now, this was 10 years plus ago

OP posts:
CNFT · 02/09/2008 19:31

You can't just pretend child abuse doesn't happen. Search my posts from yesterday to find out how easily it can happen under your nose without you knowing.

cheeset · 02/09/2008 19:35

Life hard, just have to get on with it.

imananny · 02/09/2008 19:50

how sad for that family

unfortunally abuse does happen just because you dont know of someone who has been abused doesnt mean it doesnt happen iykwim - no one wants to think about their children in that situation - sure she didnt mean to upset/offend you

I would, if you could, to try and put the converstion out of your mind

QueenofAllWildThings · 02/09/2008 19:58

She's not putting her head in the sand, fgs - why on earth does she need to know that??? There are millions of horrific things going on in the world; do we need to know about all of them? Some people are more sensitive than others about gruesome/upsetting things, and I think the dogsitter should have been a bit more subtle - you can imply things without going into detail.

Original poster
bratnav · 02/09/2008 20:44

thanks Queen, that was what I thought

OP posts:
pamelat · 02/09/2008 20:56

My works in helping victims and families of child abuse. She tells me horrible stories (I never ask). I think its her way of dealing with it and I don't mind her off loading, but shes my mum, not my dog sitter!

onepieceoflollipop · 02/09/2008 21:04

People need to be careful re confidentiality imo. Obviously in the op's example the woman hadn't worked there for 10 years, but even so.

I am a nurse and would never disclose issues of this nature. If people work in difficult jobs then as part of that role they should receive debriefing/supervision/appropriate means of offloading.

Tbh the dogsitter seems to be almost gossiping about a deeply disturbing and upsetting situation.

ChukkyPig · 02/09/2008 21:06

Some people are just like this. My mum is always telling me upsetting things, even while I say "this isn't going to be sad is it, it's not going to be sad is it" at the beginning and then "I don't want to hear I don't want to hear lalalala" further on in the story.

I think it is a macabre form of verbal diahorrea (sp).

onepieceoflollipop · 02/09/2008 21:10

I have been thinking about this a bit more and I really think this woman is in the wrong. If she has such a need to talk about this (because it still upsets her) then she needs to access appropriate counselling or support.

Otherwise I am afraid it just sounds like boasting in a kind of "oooh I had a really interesting and exciting job, lots of really awful stuff happened, let me tell you something terrible that happened..."

There really is (imo) no justification for her telling you what she did. It is so very

I could tell all kinds or tales about traumatic situations I have experienced in the course of my work, but out of respect for myself and the clients I never would gossip about it.

cheeset · 02/09/2008 21:12

onepieceoflollipop- The dogsitter is only human.

Re confidentiality, it did take place 10yrs ago and the op hasn't said names were metioned just the incident itself right?

If I were the op, I would just fill my mind with happy thoughts, know the dogsitter made an error of judgement and try to forget.

onepieceoflollipop · 02/09/2008 21:17

Yes that is true cheeset, and I did say in my first post that I was aware it was 10 years ago.

Even 10 years ago (certainly ime) people would have had the opportunity to talk about these issues in the appropriate environment. That is just my opinion though.

TheGoddessBlossom · 02/09/2008 21:25

I think it was unfair of her to tell you, considering your young family. I agree with previous psoters that she clearly has little in her life if she needs to drop information of this kind into casual conversation to appear interesting.

She sounds like a sad individual if you ask me, I don't stick my head in the sand about issues but who needs to drag up ten year old baby abuse stories? Hideous. Avoid her at all costs.

cheeset · 02/09/2008 21:38

TheGoddessBlossom- 'Avoid her at all costs' Bit dramatic isn't it?

Gosh some of you lot are so friggin perfect.

The dogsitter possibly, for all we know, sits dogs for a living now because she has been deeply affected by this sh*t in the past and doesn't usually spend time with her clients because she is sitting the dogs!

Dog sitting is a worthy valid career before someone pipes up

She may prefer to spend more time with dogs because they are less judgemental lets say?

fondant4000 · 02/09/2008 21:49

She obviuosly hasn't really got over it herself and feels the need to go over it with whoever will listen. Not fair on you though.

Just think at least it was discovered and baby removed when it was a baby - so situation has at least been resolved to some extent. Maybe that will make it easier for you?

If it comes up again, you could say that it's lucky for children that there are people like her who did care - even if only for a short while. It's not the sort of job that most people can do for very long. But let her know it makes you sad to hear about such things and you'd rather not talk about it.

cheeset · 02/09/2008 22:29

Well put fondant4000.

Original poster
bratnav · 02/09/2008 22:48

agree fondant, well said, will try that if she brings the subject up again

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